Tag: chronic pain

I’m up late again

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m up late again

Around 2100, I started to feel sleepy. I knew that if I laid down, the chances of my pain increasing was high so I stayed up a little longer until I couldn’t. So I must have been down for about maybe twenty minutes when the pain kicked up. I took some pain meds and I have been up since.

I wrote my friend a letter thinking it would get my mind off things and it did, and I laid down once more only to be hit with more pain. Then I got hot. I checked my room temp and it was just above 70 degrees. I turned the ceiling fan on to cool down. I had both feet out from under the blankets to feel the cool air. Once they turned cold, maybe I could sleep. I am still hoping. It hasn’t happened yet.

I have been talking with the voices most of the evening. They are my regular voices, not the mean ones that tell me I am an addict and that I should take all the pills because it will be better for me. It’s funny because when I tell my psychiatrist or therapist this, they don’t say anything to contradict the voice. I guess they assume I know I am not but it would be nice for them to say it so it counteracts the voices inside my head that I am internalizing.

I know part of the reason I am not asleep is because the magic hour of 2 am hasn’t hit yet. Seems that hour is when I can finally go to sleep. Or soon after. It’s been this way all week. The last two days I have slept really late. I hope to sleep late today too but I forgot to get one ingredient for my cake that I want to make Sunday.

It’s only been a few days time, but I already miss my Sox playing. There is still baseball being played but I am not really interested in it. I am interested in the National league game because I wonder if this is the year for the Cubs. We’ll see.

Psychache Unreal

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psychache unreal

I was listening to a few of my favorite songs and then psychache hit. Psychache is the emotional pain that you feel when basically every thing sucks. I was thinking about my father, the Sox, and other stuff and the psychache just became unbearable. I feel like I should take something for it but there is nothing for me to take. Pain meds, even Tylenol, are useless. Doesn’t help that my ankle is throbbing. Nothing like it was last night but I just noticed that it’s swollen and painful. Not a good sign.

I hate when my heart feels like it is being torn apart. It’s the worse feeling in the world. I had a temporary break when some things on Twitter and Facebook made me laugh. One was about a great dane that was trying to escape his house through his skylight. The picture was really funny. The second one was about Pavlov. It was a psych joke that really had me busting out laughing. I don’t remember how the joke went. I am never good at remembering jokes. I usually tell them in the wrong order.

I don’t really know why I am hurting so badly. Sure the sox season is over and I am still grieving for my father. I just feel like that has been old news for a while and why should it be bothering me tonight? I have been thinking of suicide again. While I was typing up my previous blog, I read about the treatment for BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). The article said that CBT is effective in treatment in most patients. Great. Another thing for me to have CBT. There is a book on it but I don’t plan on getting it because I just ordered one for managing chronic pain. I will have three books on CBT, all on various conditions. I don’t really believe I have BDD. Maybe some symptoms of it but not the full disorder. One of the examples they gave was about a person who felt there nose was crooked and people were staring at them. I don’t feel that way. I just think I am ugly and every body knows this. They know I am fat because I am definitely not skinny by any means.

Growing up, I was always compared to my cousins who were thin. They always said to me, why don’t you be like so and so. I couldn’t because my father kept calling me fat so I felt like I had a reputation and permission to be fat. I couldn’t let him down. And because he called me ugly all the time, I just assumed every body else thought so too because he was my world.

I had a surprise when I came home today. I found out I had leaked urine in my pants. I stunk really bad. I was so embarrassed. I changed and felt immediately down. I guess my mood has been sinking since then. It’s so tough because I never know when I am full and lately between all the meds I have been taking, it’s been hard to pee some times or know when I am full. Plus I haven’t been drinking too much so that just makes things harder and stinkyer. It’s because of my nerve injury that I don’t have a sense of my bladder like I used to. I lost it back when I got it the second time around 10 years ago. I always feel a loss of dignity when this happens. You would think that after 10 years I would be used to it by now but I am not. It still hurts my pride. It makes me feel ashamed. It really sucks.

9 Oct 16 Morning Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

9 Oct 16 Morning Blog

I woke up early because I had to use the bathroom and now I can’t go back to sleep. I hate when that happens. So now I am thinking about food because I am hungry but I don’t know what to make. I know I want bacon and pancakes but I can never seem to make both because they are messy to make and I hate clean up. I also want eggs. I wish there was an IHOP near me. That would solve the problem because I could order what I want and not have to worry about cleaning the dishes and pans afterwards.

Yesterday, I got a reminder that my prescription was ready. I thought it was kind of odd because I didn’t put in anything for a refill. My doc called in the medication. I was bullshit because she didn’t write it as twice a day like I take it. She wrote it for once a day. I am so upset. She knows that me taking it once a day doesn’t work all the time and that I need a second dose. I have enough medication to last me until I see her next. And I am going to yell at her for not writing it the way I take it. I know she wants me to take it just once a day and I really wish it worked but it doesn’t. As long as I am not having side effects, which I am not, I am okay with taking it twice a day. I thought she was okay with it, too. There is some miscommunication and I hope to clarify it once I see her again.

It’s raining today. I don’t know if I am going to go out to get my pumpkin that I need to make my cake. I should have made the cake rather than the fluff. Oh well. I like the fluff but it’s too much and there is no way I can eat it all. I will be giving some to my therapist when I see her on Tuesday.

My back is still hurting me. I am getting spasms around my waist that really hurt and paralyze me with pain. It makes it difficult to move. It’s getting better as it’s not as painful but it still bothers me. I don’t know what brings it on as I never experienced this before. I hope it goes away soon. It’s not pleasant.

I have my football and baseball game today. I got to find out when time the football game it. I think it’s at one but I could be wrong. I know the baseball game is at 4. The baseball game is more important to me than football. If the Sox don’t win, their season is over and I will be sad. My favorite pitcher is on the mound today but he hasn’t had a good year. I just hope he doesn’t get walloped.

Saturday Blog 65

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 65

I woke up not even an hour ago. I can’t believe I slept all day. I got a notification from Walgreens that my prescription was ready. I thought this was odd as I haven’t put in any refills. My doc called in a refill but not for twice a day. I am so bullshit. She still thinks taking 4 mg a day is helping me when it’s not. Doesn’t matter, now I have enough pills to last me a month taking it twice a day. When I see her next, I will yell at her. She actually responded to one of my emails late last night. She wants me to keep in touch.

After I got back from Walgreens, holy hell unleashed. I got wicked hot and currently have the AC on. I don’t know why I overheated but I did. I was in wicked pain with my back so I think the walk just exasperated things. My foot/ankle exploded soon as I came home. So I am in pain once again. I didn’t wear my brace because I didn’t think I would need it and I didn’t bring my cane either for the same reason. I did fairly well, though I was really hurting on my last block home.

There is no baseball game today. It’s an off day for my Sox. I hope they use it to regroup. OSU is playing now. The score is tied at 3. I’ll just “watch” it via Twitter. I don’t feel like watching it on TV, not with my ankle hurting me the way it is. Buckeyes just scored! 10-3!! Scored again! 17-3! Whoohoo!! Nebraska has a bye week so it will only be OSU that I will be paying attention to. Tomorrow NFL games, my Pats are playing and I can’t wait to see Brady’s return.

I haven’t eaten anything all day and I don’t really know what to have. I kind of want pancakes but I don’t feel like making them. I really want pizza but I don’t have any cash on me for it. If my back wasn’t hurting me, I would have gone to the grocery store and get my pumpkin so I can make my cake. I will go tomorrow. Maybe if I go tomorrow I can also get French bread pizza to satisfy my pizza craving.

My sisters are in Vegas for the weekend. My middle sister will turn 40 next month and she wanted to do something big. I don’t blame her. She is always the optimist. All I wanted to do for my 40th was to be six feet under or be in an urn or something. I certainly didn’t want to live to see 41, which it looks like it is going to fucking happen whether I like it or not. My crazy bitch therapist is going to make sure of it.

I need to start doing the paperwork for my LTD. I am not looking forward to it as it is just boring. But it needs to be done. I meant to publish this hours ago but I fell back to sleep. I have been having a hard time staying awake today. I hope that doesn’t mean I am going to be up all night. My back is still hurting me. I don’t know why. It feels like I have a band around my waist that tightens and it really hurts when it tightens. It only happens when I am lying down.

I didn’t make pancakes. I just had a big bowl of cereal. That has been the only thing I have eaten today. I am not that hungry. OSU won 38-17. That is I think their 5th win in a row. I am so happy for this team.