Tag: chronic pain

Pain is NOT my Friend

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain

Pain is not my friend

Most people have pain for a good reason. They break a bone, there is an infection, they stubbed a toe. But my pain is not because of that. It is because my nerves were damaged by a disc fragment that I am hurting and even though the disc is no longer pressing on my nerves, I still have the pain.

Tonight this pain is keeping me up. I think it has to do with the temperature change and thunderstorms that have moved into my area. I am like a human barometer. I am so tired that I am kind of falling asleep while typing this but the pain is preventing me from actually going to sleep. I have not had this type of pain in a few weeks. I almost forgot what pain was like. Now I remember and I don’t like it. I want it to go away again and let me live my life even if I was depressed and unhappy. Being in pain is horrible. It drains what ever energy you feel.

Even though I felt ok for a few weeks, I kind of missed the pain. Not in a masochistic sense. Just that after dealing with this for over two years, it felt weird NOT being in pain. Felt like something was missing and I just couldn’t figure out what that was. I had gotten so used to the pain being there all the time that without it, I was lost. Could I walk a little farther than I wanted to? Sure and I did. No pain afterwards. Today I walked a little farther and I think that is what caused the flare up. I don’t know if this pain is staying or going. I hope that it is going because I was really getting used to not being in pain again. Now I have to worry about things, like how long it will take for a shower. Just how many spoons it will take to do my daily routine. Even now I can’t find a comfortable spot to rest my foot without pain. And my foot/ankle is screaming at me. I am not doing anything to aggravate it. It is just resting on a pillow as I am typing this. I don’t have it elevated as I probably should because it will make typing a little difficult. But even then I don’t have relief. I wish the pain was telling me something but it is not. There is no bruising. No redness. Not even so much as a little swelling to indicate to me what I should do to relieve the pain other than to take pain medication as I have done. That is the MOST frustrating part of this whole complex regional pain syndrome. It is a difficult diagnosis to explain and I don’t even know the beginning to try to explain it. Other than my nerves have become so damaged it doesn’t know anything else except to hurt. And you can’t touch it with anything. Socks or even your hand will make the pain worse. I tried putting on a brace to steady it because it just felt like it needed it. It did help for a little while but then the pressure of the elastic was too much and I had to take it off. Soon as I did, the pain intensity increased. My ankle hates me and all I did that set it off was moving my big toe to stretch it out. Stupid I know. But really? Probably not. I am sure lots of people can move their big toe without pain or causing their entire foot to go haywire. But that is what I deal with. Every day. Every night. Pain is not my friend.

End of Story

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression

I had a difficult day, though I slept through most of the day. I still have bad cramps and after taking a shower tonight, my leg is not acting up. I thought I was done with the pain and dreams of going back to work were filling in my head. But I guess I stood too long in the three song shower. Literally it takes me three songs to take and be done with a shower, four if one of the songs are short. I brushed my teeth.

It has been a hot week so I have taken a shower nearly every day. But today I guess my foot had enough. I just took pain meds. There isn’t a baseball game on tonight so I won’t be up late.

I am thinking about calling my cousin Paul but I don’t know if I want to talk. I kind of am discouraged and feeling really bad with the menses and the cramps are really getting to me. I still can’t believe that I got my menses. I really thought the patch was going to work. I will try again after. I only have about a month and half to live so I don’t see the point in making an appointment with my endo doc.

Been feeling down since last night. I think the good mood that I was in evaporated with the heat. I have been trying to feel good today but it has been such an effort. I got my hair cut from my cousin but he didn’t cut it short enough for me. I might go to the barbers on Wednesday like I was planning. I don’t know. I know a good hair SHORT haircut always makes me feel good.

I had therapy this morning. I don’t remember much except that I fibbed. I told my therapist that my plan was off but she didn’t believe me. I just couldn’t take talking about it with her anymore. She kept on asking stupid questions. She wants me to see a consultant. What am I going to say to him, really? I am going to kill myself and there is nothing you can do, have a nice day? Why bother involving him? Doesn’t make sense to me. Not like he is going to help me. He doesn’t have anything useful that I could use. I would have found it by now. I am tired of being in pain. END OF STORY. And by the end means taking my life, so be it. I am kind of scared though. I never have meant it like I mean it now. I just want relief. I want to be pain free. I don’t want to be stuck taking pain pills for the rest of my life. Funny how I am comfortable taking my psych meds though. I know I need those for my well being, not that they work the greatest. It is just enough to keep me out of the hospital. But I still get psychache at points in my life and it brings me down. I want reprieve. I don’t think I am asking too much. I know a lot of people suffer every day, but I am now one of those people and I can’t bear it anymore.

Enduring the unendurable

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I thought I would try and write a little bit about my thinking about suicide and what it means. I have spent the last hour reading up on Shneidman’s psychache, the psychological pain that encompasses you to think only about ending the pain, even if it means ending your life. Then I read some more about the factors that go into psychache and suicidal thinking. It was a refresher course in knowing about suicide as psychache.

In getting to what my therapist wanted to me to write about constriction, there really is nothing to write. It is a term concocted by Shneidman that basically means you are fixated on one thing to ease your pain. But what I did come across, that is interesting, is what the Emperor of Japan said to his people after the end of WWII. He basically told them to “endure the unendurable and suffer what is unsufferable” so as to contain any suicides as the Japanese are an honorable country. That thinking is the formula for outliving a suicidal crisis.

I have been feeling good the past few days and don’t know why. I don’t know if it is hypomania or what but my mood has totally did an about face. It is eerily weird to feel so carefree. Yet in the back of my mind I am scheming and plotting to end my life in two months. Least that is what I think I am thinking. But then my friend from Nebraska reconnected with me. I am thinking that maybe I can take the Emperor’s advice and try to keep enduring the unendurable. I know I say this now that I am not experiencing any dysphoria or physical pain. I just can’t think that I can stop thinking about killing myself is somehow contributing to my euphoric feelings because I know I have a way out of my suffering. It is a funny place to be, and I don’t mean the ha ha kind of funny. I never have felt good for more than a few days at a time and this go round will be almost a week that I have felt up.

Since reconnecting with my college friend, I feel that I must tell him that I might not be around that much longer. I think he has the right to know as we have been friends for almost fifteen years now. But will I cause worry? Will he believe me when I tell him this? Or will he just chalk it up with the myth that talking about it means you won’t do it? I won’t know until I tell him. I rather he find it out from me than from someone else, though seeing as we have few friends in common, the likelihood of him finding out will be slim/next to none. But then I wonder how many of my friends will find out that I have died. I thought of writing a note to someone to tell them what to do as I don’t think my family would be able to do it but I don’t think that I can do that. Most likely that friend would ignore me or think that I am just talking.

games and suicidal thinking

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Woke up feeling energetic today but after my therapy appointment, my throat was hurting from talking for an hour and I lost my zip. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and then went back to bed, though I didn’t sleep. I just kind of played on the computer. I am still playing Pioneer Trail, though I don’t know why. I think only about 10 of my 150 neighbors are still playing, which makes it difficult to get things for your homestead. I am also playing the dreaded Candy Crush saga. I had to see what the hype was about and wish I never did. I started playing on my phone then moved on to the computer. HUGE MISTAKE! So after I am bored with twitter and checking status updates on Facebook, I will be playing candy games. One thing I HATE about playing it on my phone is the dreadful music. It sounds like a funeral march or something. I have to turn the sound off to avoid it but then when I play my MP3s and no sound comes on I am like WTF till I remember that the sound is off.

I read my therapist my last blog entry. I think I really have a bozo for a therapist. She didn’t get the point of the blog. Think we spent like 5-10 minutes talking about it and then she wanted me to write a blog about constriction. I was like, where did that come from. She really thinks that I am in this blinders thinking about my plan. I know I am, that is why I am planning on killing myself! DUH! You don’t have to tell me I am suicidal when I am planning on killing myself. I can’t seem to be able to talk myself out of it. I am going to be true to my word this time around. How can I not be? I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of fighting everyday. I am tired of struggling. Why should I continue my lousy existence?

I tried again with my psychiatrist to get an appointment though I am feeling what is the use? Not like she has some radical new drug for me to try to help this ache I feel inside. I doubt a pill would help cure me of my suicidal tendencies. My therapist has threatened to tell her what is going on with me but has not. I can’t bear to tell her for fear of her throwing me back in the hospital and it’s not like the hospital is going to do anything for me except piss me off, and screw up my pain meds.

I see my primary tomorrow. I hope that he can do something about this throat pain that has been bothering for almost two weeks now. Every time I think I am getting better it flares up again. I still have a cough that likes to kick up every now and again. My sides are killing me from it. It is annoying. I am kind of thinking I will be placed on antibiotics but I am hoping not as I hate taking them.

My writing friend is in England right now. She will be there for a week. She said to write emails to her about my writing progress but I kind of don’t want to. It’s not that I have to or anything. I don’t think she is going to respond as she doesn’t have internet connection up there. I guess she is in the countryside of England so why bother when I know I won’t be getting a response. Much like my psychiatrist that doesn’t respond even with all her gadgets. I get frustrated with her when she doesn’t return emails, in a reasonable amount of time, like a day or two. I know she is busy and might not get the email right away but come on, it has been almost a week since I last emailed her and still NOTHING. So I sent her another email today asking for an appointment. I still have not heard anything. FRUSTRATING!

So maybe I will write a blog about constriction over the weekend. Not like my therapist is going to read it anyways…