I am tired. So very tired and don’t know why. I didn’t sleep last night. I didn’t go to bed till six in the morning because my brain just would not shut off.
I kept on thinking about my TG issues. I finally came out to my group to call me Mike. I also changed my name on Facebook to call me Mike. So far everyone has been so supportive I am almost tempted to try my real family and see if I still get the support but I am very afraid to. I am so afraid of rejection that I know it will send me to a tailspin suicidal crisis. I don’t think anyone understands the pain that I am feeling. Maybe that is what is making me exhausted. I could take my meds now and fall asleep. Another day will rise and maybe this would all be a dream.
I am cold. I still have this bloody cold and cough for the past week. I hate being sick.
I also been thinking about what I wrote last night about Shneidman. Maybe he wouldn’t be rolling over in his grave because there would be less man hours going over hundreds of notes. The hard part of this study is that all of them have to be inputted by hand into computer. Now that is a lot of man hours!! But if it helps the greater good so be it.
I was talking with a fellow blogger who was suicidal and he/she wanted help yet when they got it, rejected it, saying that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I got really mad. Telling me I don’t know what depression is like is telling me I don’t know how to breathe. This dude has some serious issues. SO I walked away. Obviously he didn’t want to be helped and so be it if he wanted to kill himself there was no way I could stop him. I was trying to be there for him and he was rejecting my help so fuck him. Let him stay in his own miserable world, thinking he is the ONLY person that feels pain. I never seen such a case of stupidity but then again I am new to this blogging thing. I can’t help everyone I guess.
Tag: chronic pain
a Cold at Christmas time sucks!!
Today was another awful day. I forced myself out of the house to get my license renewed and nearly collapsed in exhaustion when I came home. I hardly ate anything today. I just ordered Chinese and didn’t even eat a small portion of it. I just have no appetite even though I have been thinking about food all day. I still am coughing and wheezing. I feel so drained. I am congested and I just feel awful.
Tomorrow is Christmas and I don’t think I will join in the festivities. I haven’t even wrapped my gifts or finished my shopping. I guess it will have to wait till I am feeling better. I don’t care. This cold has forced me to think about things. Yet not to think about them at all. Am I being selfish because I have not done anything? I don’t know. I just want to stay in bed where it is nice and warm and I don’t have to deal with anyone.
I am losing the sense of smell. My tastebuds have already flown the coop as my dinner didn’t taste as good as I thought it would.
I am pissed off at Walgreens for not filling my prescription because they need to have it clarified by my doctor. I don’t understand it. It says take as directed. How can that be misunderstood?? My doctor has told me how to take it so why is there a problem?? And it’s Christmas which means I most likely will run out of my script as the new one can’t be filled yet. I am so mad and when I went to voice my disgust with my mother I lost my voice because she couldn’t hear me because of my raspy voice. Nothing like trying to talk sense to a deaf person when you are ill. I hope they get this straightened out soon because I need my meds. I will fight with this stupid pharmacist if I have to. She is a good person but I hate that she has to verify every prescription she gets!! That just takes too damn long in my book!!
I just realized I have not written anything in my journal in over a week now. And there are only six more days left in the year. I guess I will start a new journal sooner rather than later. I just haven’t had the energy of writing a blog and then writing a personal journal entry. It’s taken a lot of energy just for me to write this much.
I was supposed to go over my Aunt’s house but I never do on Christmas Eve. I have always done my own thing. Or I have worked. This is the first Christmas that I am not working. I got asked today what my job is and I told them I was disabled. How depressing.
Don’t know if I told you about my neuro opthalmalogist appt went. They still don’t know what is causing my eye changes. I still have to get new glasses as it was recommended that a new progressive lenses might help. I had to return my other ones as I could not see out of them at all, or I could for a little while and then all went blurry. I hated them. I have worn glasses since the first grade but these I absolutely could not stand. I liked the frame and all but there was just something wrong with the lenses. So my Christmas gift to me is to buy some new glasses. Course I will only go shopping if I am feeling better!! This cold sucks!!
why the stigma in preventing suicide?
People always scramble when there is lightening but not for suicide prevention. Lightening takes less lives each year than suicide does. I think people don’t scramble because there still is this stigma that it won’t happen. People don’t want to acknowledge that suicide exists and if it doesn’t exist, why prevent it? The stigma is that you run into the old “every man has a choice”. People believe that suicidal people are just going to do it anyway so why bother preventing the inevitable. It happens to those that see it in the ER. Most people cannot fathom why someone would want to take their own life. They think life is so grand that nobody would want to take it. They believe in this bubble that if it doesn’t happen to me, it doesn’t happen at all. I have a cousin who thinks this way. She thinks that if she doesn’t pay attention to the bad stuff, maybe it won’t happen as often. She just wants to be happy all the time. There is nothing wrong with that but not acknowledging serious mental illness is a problem. They have to believe that there is always good things in their world for their sanity. Thomas Joiner, a psychologist that deals with suicidality believes that most suicide prevention would cost less if people actually believed it exists. In his book why people die by suicide, he proposes the risk of a bicyclist getting hit by a car over the prevention barrier of the SF bridge. More people die by suicide (30 per year) than someone dying by getting hit while riding a bicycle.
I think I understand why people are afraid. They still have it in their mind that suicide should not be talked about. If it is talked about then it is real. And if it is real, then something should be done to prevent it. Unfortunately, not enough people think that suicide is real despite it climbing and it being in the top 10th percentile in the U.S.
another Vent
My cousin wrote on FB that there should be better “laws” for commitment of mentally ill than gun control. How pathetic. People who are suicidal can’t get the help they need and so turn to a gun for help. They don’t hurt anyone but themselves, yet she wants better commitment laws. There are more suicide in this country and it goes up every year. And she wants better commitment laws.
I wrote a rant about it. Ending sentence that I would commit suicide. I couldn’t help it. I got caught up in the moment. How is it that I can eat, live, and breathe suicide yet I am not cured of it. How is it that I read and can quote but yet not stop myself from committing it.
I have a busy week. Meetings with doctors that are supposed to give me the help I need. Yet I don’t receive it. I’m still depressed and suicidal. There is no help for me. I just have to live because society wants me to. I am a follower of what is right and suicide is wrong. But why is it wrong? Why is taking my life wrong? I am not hurting anyone but myself, not physically anyway. I’m not threatening thousands of lives. Just one, my own. What makes my life more valuable than another’s. Do people not see that mental illness takes many forms other than violent ones?
I just posted this paragraph as my Facebook status and got 7 likes, no comments. I wanted to put the whole paragraph about my cousin but I did not want to alarm my sisters with “I’m going to kill myself”. I have many friends and family on Facebook and I bet the ones from the UK are going to be the first to respond, if they do at all.
Mental illness doesn’t always have to be violent. It can be silent and nonviolent like I am. They say that most people employers watch social media now. I don’t care. If I don’t work again because of my mental illness. It won’t be the end of the world for me. I’ll be in private practice anyways.
I got 1 like. We’ll see what else happens if anyone actually gives a shit about me.
Pdoc’s visit will be the same. Too bad I didn’t get her chocolate. I do have to get my MRI report for Hedges on Thursday. I have to be at MGH very early. Going to suck. I just hope I am awake enough to be coherent.
No one has responded yet. I just have a few likes. I guess that is better than nothing.
Just pisses me off that people who obviously don’t understand what mental illness thinks they know what to do with the “problem”. It’s not going away. I’m resistant to treatment but others are not. Why am I still alive while others are dead. I have many risk factors yet I’m alive. I should be fucking dead but I’m not. So why do people pretend to be educated about mental illness yet can’t do anything for them. Feeling pretty hopeless right now. Even if I did see my pdoc she probably would commit me. My therapist would want more sessions. My PCP would just want a promise for me to call him if I got suicidal. How does that keep me alive???? There is no magic drug that I can take to keep me alive. There is no magic talk-therapy. So what am I left with? You might as well give me a loaded gun so I can end this misery. Give me 100 seconals to die with dignity. That is what I want. Pain is up so I am going to stop here. Back is cramping all of a sudden.
midnightdemons7 
You must be logged in to post a comment.