Tag: chronic pain

Sunday Blog 06092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 06092020

I am post op day 10. I had surgery to remove and repair a csf leak. I thought it would be safe to shower and I was careful not to have my back on the water for too long as I still have stitches. I felt so much better after I washed up. I shaved and took a chunk of skin off my cheek. I don’t know how it happened. The razor wasn’t my friend. I got three nicks. Sucks. I had to use the nick stick twice for the nick I took skin off. Damn thing wouldn’t stop bleeding.

After I showered, I made coffee and then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I came back home knackered. I am just so tired. Today was the first time I left the house since coming back home from the hospital. I did okay but it still is tiring to go up my street. Those five houses from the corner to my house is so damn tough to walk up that hill. I get winded. But then I get winded when I go up the stairs, too. I am not in too much pain today other than a headache that just started to get worse. I took some Tylenol when it first started. I might take some ibuprofen.

I got Tim McGraw’s new album and have been listening to it. It is pretty good. There isn’t any duets with his wife on this album. Sucks. I love their duets.

I weighed myself for the first time in a month. I lost three pounds. I haven’t been eating so great since coming home from the hospital. I haven’t had much of an appetite. Depression has been bad the past few weeks. I was OK a few days after surgery but then the anesthesia wore off and my mood plummeted. It has been low since. I have been resting because my back needs it. I am so tired of having nothing to do. I got a few appointments this week. I get my stitches out and see my therapist. I don’t know if seeing her the same day is going to be good but we’ll see. I also see my psychopharm this week. She finally agreed to put me on citalopram. I started that on Friday. It is going to take a few weeks to work. I think it will work better than sertraline as I don’t recall it giving me stomach problems in the past. I am hoping for the same this time around. I only stopped it way back when due to it being ineffective after years of taking it.

Day 8 Post Op

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Day 8 Post OP

I am still feeling sluggish and my back keeps cramping up on me. I am just going to take it easy today. I thought I would have my stitches out but the secretary called and said it was too soon. I will have it out next week. I don’t know if my surgeon will do it or the NP that works for the office. I will be glad to have them out so I can shower again. I was looking forward to it this afternoon but now I got to wait till next week. I got to wash my hair as it is grimy. I am glad it is short so it doesn’t feel dirty as fast. Also doesn’t smell. I will try and wash my hair later this afternoon. Back is hurting me too much right now after I brushed my teeth. I hate that I have a limited number of spoons a day to do things.

I want to get a new electric razor, a different style than the one I have. I found one that is wet/dry but it is $80. I can’t afford that right now so I will get it next month. I might have to budget for two months. Depends on how my finances go when I get paid next.

Most of the day I’ve been in a gender dysphoric mood. I kept thinking about if only one of my doctors or therapists had asked me about how I felt about being female if things would have changed. I dressed as a male all the time so I don’t understand why they didn’t ask. I remember when I got diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and had to go on the pill to treat it. I was terrified of what the hormone was going to do to me. I remember asking the psychiatrist and she laughed at me like it was the funniest thing ever. I hated taking such a female thing. I was highly suicidal at the time. Having this diagnosis only made me want to kill myself more. What is really getting me dysphoric today as well is that during surgery, my breast was positioned improperly so was bruised. Every movement I make with my arm, my boob hurts. Pain is driving me crazy because there is nothing I can do about it. I have always wondered if things would have been different had someone asked me about being female. I have always thought I am a male but the incongruency comes with my body being different than how I think and feel.

Back has been smarting all day. It has been spasming most of the day which has caused me severe pain in my lower back. I am taking a muscle relaxer every eight hours as they had prescribed me this while in the hospital. I am prescribed this at home as well so I didn’t have to go to the pharmacy for any of my meds. I told them I didn’t want them prescribing my pain medication because last time they screwed up the timing. I no longer get both medications at the same time, which sucks.

this is me trying

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

This is me trying

I have been having a hard day. I hardly slept. I was able to get to sleep okay last night but I woke up around midnight and found it very difficult to get back to sleep. I got a headache around 4 and I finally took something for it around 5. I then slept until my surgeon’s office called and I was cursing the phone. I didn’t answer it. I let it go to voicemail but man I was not happy. I stayed in bed until my bladder said I had to leave. I used the bathroom and then went back to sleep till around 1pm or so. I have been in a grumpy mood and memories of last year at this time have crept back. I had my last psych hospitalization last year, on International Suicide Prevention day. I made an appointment with my therapist on that day. I find it amazing that I am still alive. I was so sure I was going to die last year. I had such a horrible depression that wasn’t helped by anything.

Today’s pain is mostly in my back and ankle. My ankle got so fricken cold that if felt like it was being cut with sheets of ice. I have thermal socks on now and my ankle still hurts. The ankle bone is throbbing up a storm and the area where it is being sliced is still being sliced. It is so painful. I would take a breakthrough med but I need to hold off on it. I wish I could freely take my meds but I can’t or I will be short by the end of the month and that will be a disaster.

I feel really depressed. I hope next week when I see my psychopharm she prescribes me the citalopram. I don’t want to wait another week because my mood is just awful right now. I didn’t nap this afternoon like I wanted to. I probably would have felt better if I did. I have my T shot tomorrow so I might feel a little bit better. My blood numbers were terrible after surgery. I hope the T can stabilize some of the levels. The novelty of taking shots has worn off. I think it is because of the depression I don’t like doing it anymore. But I am going to be on T the rest of my life. I have not had the mental benefits of T. In a way being on it is its own mental relief because I am taking what I should always have. I want to be on a higher dose so that my beard can come in greater but my doc doesn’t want to increase it due to side effects. I think the benefits outweighs the risks. I don’t see her again till April of next year. I can wait till then to talk to her about it. Hopefully I will meet in person with her by then.

Since coming home from the hospital, my right arm has been bothering me. The vein is inflamed from the IV and it hurts. I asked a doctor what to do about it and she said to put heat compresses on it. I will do that later tonight because it is really bothering me today for some reason. I had a hard time getting comfortable last night. I just couldn’t position my arm so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Hope tonight is better after a heat compress.

three days post op

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Three days post op

I am home from the hospital. I came home yesterday afternoon. I am glad because my roommate was a real prick and I couldn’t stand him abusing the nurses. He would call for every little thing and if they didn’t come in the second after the call ended he would call again. So demanding. And he would shout out in pain like every fifteen minutes. It was so unpleasant. I can’t say I felt bad for him because I have been through what he went through. I know how painful the surgery was because I have gone through it. But that doesn’t give you the right to abuse someone because you are in pain. That isn’t right.

I am glad I am in my own bed. I don’t have the pain medication that I need so I need to be careful that I don’t take too much of it. I am in a lot of pain but it is bearable. I told the resident that I didn’t need any pain scripts. I will make due with what I have at home. I got a nice bruise on my hand from an IV insertion. I am glad it doesn’t hurt but it sure looks ugly. I can’t take a shower till tomorrow. I might take it on Tuesday just to be safer. I smell and I can’t stand it. I might wash up today and try and rejoin the human race. I also need to shave but I don’t know if I will be able to stand long enough to do it. Back has been tender.

I got bad Sox news this afternoon. The Sox traded one of their first basemen that I really liked. Now he is with the Padres. We got a 3B and an outfielder in the trade, which to me doesn’t make sense. We don’t need a 3B. So stupid. My cousin said to watch the Three Stooges instead of the Sox. I wanted to listen to them today but I have yet to turn on the radio. They were leading 2-0 last I checked the score. Bogey scored a 2 run homerun. He has been awesome this season. Dalbec got his first hit with a homerun!! Sox are leading 8-2. I am listening to the Sox on the Radio.com app on my phone. It is pretty cool listening to the game this way. I am glad they have permission to broadcast the games now.

I am taking the week off of therapy. I feel like I need a break. I hope it will help me be more talkative during session. I want to see if I can go two weeks without therapy. It really is up to me when I want to go back. I don’t think she will mind me taking the time off. I still am recovering from surgery. I feel okay though. I don’t feel so depressed but I don’t have that little upbeat stuff I had my first surgery. I just feel okay.