Individuals have different thresholds for enduring or tolerating pain; thus the individual’s decision not to bear the pain-the threshold for enduring it-is also directly relevant. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache
Tag: chronic physical pain
Sunday Ramblings
Been trying to fix the setting on my word doc for the past half hour to no avail. I think the latest update screwed the settings because things are different and it’s annoying the crap out of me. But when I view via print preview, things are normal. As long as my margins are ok on that view, I am happy. I just hope it doesn’t mess with my book settings. That would be awful.
I put a status up on Facebook that I thought was hysterical and no one thought it was. They just called my mother right. Not the response I was looking for. I had some cookies after breakfast because I was still hungry. My mother asked if they were still soft as she left them uncovered. I told her she should cover them and then she told me no as she doesn’t want them to get sweaty. I nearly choked on the cookie. It was the funniest thing I ever heard. I am still laughing about it.
My mother is cleaning the bathroom today. I feel bad I can’t help her because my back is hurting me and so is my ankle. My mother noticed I was hurting as I was hunched over as I prepared my breakfast. I couldn’t straighten out. The change in temperature always gets me. It went from the 50s to the 30s overnight. Not good. It has warmed up to about 50 degrees but the temp still is jumping and falling during the day and my back cannot take it. It just wrecks havoc on my pain levels.
Because my pain levels are bad today, there is no way that I could go to Stop and Shop to buy some Powerade. I am running low. I will try and go tomorrow. I have been slowly accumulating my shopping list for the big shopping. I couldn’t get groceries last month because my laptop needed to get fixed. I am hoping this month I can get what I need as I am low on stuff and I need to get some stuff for Turkey day. My mother didn’t buy my butternut squash. I love squash. I think we are having it over my middle sister’s house. I have no idea how we are going to carry the turkey and the chicken over there. She’s a half block away from our house. I have no idea who is doing what. I know I won’t be cooking because I don’t cook. Most I can do it pop a pie in the oven and go by the instructions. I hope my brother in law got the pumpkin pie and makes it correctly this time. Last time he made it, it came out like soup. I miss buying pies at the hospital I worked at. I always bought a pumpkin and apple pies. They were really good. Maybe I will have dinner with my friend one night just so I can have pie.
I have been in a depressed mood since I can’t do anything today. Even sitting typing this is hurting my back. I took an NSAID today but it hasn’t helped. I would take a pain pill but I really don’t want to sleep. I did some reading before I had lunch. I am not really liking this book. It’s just stuff that I already knew but the author’s take on it is very negative. I have never read a book that was written like this. Usually history books have an unbiased tone to it. Not this one. And the author focuses on the inaptitude of Lincoln while not focusing on the stupidity and laziness of McClellan, in my opinion. This is all in the first chapter I read. I am definitely going to do a review on this book because it is so terrible. No wonder the book was marked 50% off.
I made some room on my Tivo by deleting some programs that I already watched but was saving for some reason. One program was the 2013 World Series. It killed me to delete it but there was no way for me to transfer it to another media because the TiVo is just too old. I don’t have a DVD recorder. I had bought one but couldn’t figure out how to get it set up. I tried every combination of connecting the wires, buying converter things, and I still couldn’t get the fucker to work. So I gave it away to someone who could. A waste of money but a least it’s being used and not collecting dust in my house. I am just not good with stuff like that.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 0230 and went back to sleep around 0430, only to wake up again around 0745. I am so tired. I would nap but I am so afraid of making my sleeping pattern worse. Being in pain is not helping the napping cause because there is nothing more I rather do than take a couple of pain meds and sleep. I have such a messed up schedule I am surprised I can function. I think that is part of the reason I feel depressed is because my sleep is awful. I either stay up late, wake up really early and stay up all day and night, or I don’t sleep at all. I never have a day where I am sleeping all day. I am jealous of the people that can do this, or at least have a straight 6+ hours of sleep.
I have been listening to Taylor Swift today. I was listening to Lady Antebellum but I got tired of listening to them, only because my stupid shuffler would repeat the same three songs in a row, or play the same song twice in a row. I love their music but I also like variety. It would be one thing if I put it on repeat but I didn’t. One of their songs I found on YouTube. I started crying when I heard it because I think it was the last song they recorded as a group. Supposedly, the group broke up a few weeks ago. Their lead singer, Charles Kelley is performing solo now and so is the other singer Hillary Scott. I don’t know what Dave is going to do. I am so upset by this break up because they were my favorite group.
I did some editing this morning on the new story that I wrote. I didn’t write anything new because I didn’t feel inspired. I am glad I read through some of it because there were errors and words that were just wrong. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote it but it must have made sense at that time.
Another tiring day of Pain
Another tiring day of pain
I woke up late today because I went to bed after 0100. I am glad I didn’t stay up till 0200 because that usually means I am up all night. But I slept good and till 0830. I think it was the first time I slept so soundly. I did wake up wanting coffee. I was hoping it would keep me awake but soon after I finished it, I was so damn tired. My ankle was also hurting me so I decided to take some pain meds. I stayed up only long enough to watch the first half of the OSU game. Then it was beddy bye time. I put my phone on vibrate and fell asleep. It was a good nap but now I feel like I can go back to sleep. I might just do that. Being in pain just wears you out.
I had a dream that I went back to the hospital where I worked. I had to go to the bathroom really bad but the first bathroom that I entered was out of order. There were leaks everywhere. I called maintenance before I tried to find another bathroom on the floor. I did and then I went to have supper with my mother. There was a ton of barbequed food on the table, ribs, chicken, pork. Some in one kind of barbeque sauce or another. As I started filling my plate, I woke up. No food for me. I did have to go to the bathroom really bad when I woke up so I went. As I went downstairs my mother told me she made pasta with sauce. I didn’t feel like having that. My stomach is feeling full. I wish I had the BBQ’d stuff, but that was just a dream.
I read this morning, “American Gods”. There is a lot of sex in this book. It should have come with a warning that it was very adult material. I am moving along in the book. Out of 500 pages, I just passed 200. It’s an interesting story but you still don’t know where you are going to end up. There is some kind of god war going on and so these people that have lived for hundreds of years are getting killed. The part I just read was about a mortuary brothers. One of the brothers did a form of autopsy. As he was doing so, he would cut slices of the liver, heart and other organs and then eat them. I shuddered. Gaiman is a very compelling writer. You don’t know what to expect when you are reading this book. They will be making this book a movie. I just hope they don’t show the part I just described. It will be too weird.
I told my psych that my PCP is leaving. She is sorry about it. She asked who was taking over and I gave her the name I was given. Maybe she can email her and break the ice for me so I don’t have to. We’ll see. Monday I have to call my repro endo doc to get more of the hormone pill as I ran out of refills. It’s been more than a year since I saw her and I hope I don’t have to see her again. She makes me nervous because she is nervous. I hate having to see her but I can’t get the pill from my PCP because the pill is to stop my periods and he isn’t familiar with that. I realized the pill isn’t even on my list of medications. I don’t know if it ever was on my list. Seems like every time I see a doc the list gets shorter or longer without my knowledge.
Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday. She will be celebrating it at the casinos. She asked if I wanted to come and I told her no. Can’t play if you have no money. I haven’t been to the casinos in a very long time. I think the last time I went was when my therapist told me she was pregnant and that was more than ten years ago. I don’t stay long. I drive down the two hours it takes to get here and then have my fun. When the money runs out, I leave. One time I went there and I won a significant amount on my first try. I wasn’t there for more than twenty minutes. I turned around and went home. I didn’t want to lose what I had won.
I have lots to tell my therapist. I just hope I have enough time to tell her. I texted her the majority of what I want to talk about. The big thing is going to be losing my PCP. That was so unexpected. The only good news is that I don’t have to transfer my medical records as it is the same practice I am seeing the new doctor. I hope the new doctor has a schedule I can fit into. It will suck if every month I have to be squeezed in because I am being accommodated. These are just some of the worries that I have. And I won’t know more until I see my PCP next month to get more information on how my pain management is going to go. That is my biggest worry right now.
Doc’s Rant
Doc’s Rant
I received a letter today from my doctor’s office. Apparently, he is leaving the practice. I have worked with this guy for more than ten years. Now I got to work with someone I have never met. She is only interim until they find a replacement for my doc, but still, I have to work with someone new in dealing with my pain issues. I hope that she doesn’t give me a hard time about my pain meds and that I don’t have to have a three day supply because she is a “new” doc. My state just passed a law that all new patients on pain meds must have a three day supply of meds before becoming established. If that is the case, I am fucking screwed. I can’t survive a month on three days worth of pills. It’s not like I am technically a new patient as she is in the same practice as my doc but I will be new to her. I don’t know how this is going to work and it’s giving me tremendous anxiety. I feel like I should have killed myself last month so I didn’t have to deal with this bullshit.
I think I am going to have to make an appointment to see him anyways because my left eyelid is extremely itchy and dry. I feel like tearing it off, though I might just scratch it off. I don’t know if it’s dry because I have dry eyes or because I am chronically dehydrated. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is orange all the time. I just don’t drink a lot because I am afraid of peeing myself. I will usually have my 16 ounce coffee and then a 16 ounce drink, usually iced tea or lemonade with lunch/dinner and that will be all that I drink for the day. I might have more if I am thirsty but I never really get thirsty unless I am active. I will have sips of powerade when I take my meds. My night meds I tend to drink at least 4 ounces just to make sure I wash those suckers down. One of the pills I take is the size of a penny and I always have difficulty swallowing it so I always make sure to drink a lot to make sure it goes down. It’s usually the first pill I take so the others follow. I have a weird system of taking my meds but it works for me.
I don’t know what I am going to do with this new doctor. She doesn’t know me and I don’t know her. I tried looking her up on the practice’s website and of course, there is no information at all. I know she has been around the practice for a while because I have been at the hospital a long time before becoming disabled. I just never had her as a covering doc before, even if my doc wasn’t available. I usually got someone else in the practice. I like my doc because he is a good doc. He cares. Now I don’t know what I am going to do. If I don’t get my meds, they might as well sign my death certificate. I will die by suicide. The pain will just be too much like it has been tonight. I should be knocked out but the pain is still keeping me up. I can take another dose of meds in about an hour. I hated that I missed out on my sister’s party.
Someone gave my crazy cousin my number. She immediately asked if I had meds. That is one reason why I don’t keep in contact with her. She is looking for meds all the time, either to take or to sell. I can’t be associated with her. She is so pathological it’s not funny. I especially don’t like her because I told her about my voices and she made fun of me with her boyfriend one time. She is a jerk and always wanting attention. I hope she never calls me. I won’t answer the phone, now that I have her number. Just pisses me off because she used to be my favorite cousin and now she is scum. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with my father tonight. He is the last person I wanted to see today. I had enough of him yesterday.
My new favorite song is by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. It is so fitting because I always feel like I am misunderstood. I even changed my Twitter name to the name of the song. I just hope the new doc understands chronic pain and is understanding. Otherwise, we are going to have problems. I really don’t want to have problems. It will just send me into a tailspin of depression. I am so nervous about seeing this woman. I haven’t had a woman PCP in years, not that gender matters. But the thing is, I just told my doc that I am transgender and that took a lot for me to tell him because I have been keeping it from him for at least three years now. And then he leaves? How am I supposed to process this??
You must be logged in to post a comment.