Tag: coffee

might be storms so back is hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Might be storms so back is hurting

I can’t seem to get away from pain the last few weeks. The weather is wrecking havoc on me. There might be thunderstorms this afternoon so my back is in a tizzy. I am hurting so much it is difficult to move. And my damn ankle/foot is going berserk on me. I am so damn tired, physically and mentally of being in pain all the time. I just want to sleep but I can’t get comfortable.

I’m also getting hungry. I think I might have some granola cereal. Monday when I went to the store, I wanted to get another box but they were all out. None of the other kinds of granola looked good to me as it had raisins or blueberries. I just like oats and honey. I will order two boxes when I do my grocery shopping at the end of the month.

I had some bad dreams today. One had very bad music in my head about dying. My brain has been making up lyrics and melodies. This was the first time it was bad stuff. I don’t remember it now but it was very upsetting. I hope it goes away. I texted my ex-therapist. I really miss her. She responded saying she misses me too and that she thinks of me often. I wish we could have a coffee or something but I don’t think that would be appropriate. It really sucks that we ended. Her birthday is this coming Monday. I will text her a Happy Birthday message. I’ve been doing it for a long time.

The Red Sox had a walk off Home run by my new favorite catcher, Christian Vazquez. He is so adorable and quick to throw out base stealers. I really like him. I am glad he won the game with his homer. Otherwise, they probably would still be playing in extra innings. We are back in first because the Skankees lost. It’s only by half a game but I’ll take it. There is only two more months of regular season baseball so every win counts.

It’s supposed to be really humid today. I’m not going to like it so I’m not sure I will go out for my espresso and steak and egg wrap. That is my new favorite breakfast sandwich at Starbucks. It is so good. I like it better than the bacon sandwiches I usually get. The rewards for this week is to get a double smoke bacon sandwich, a mocha, and then a mocha frappachino. I don’t like frappuchinos. I have had this type of reward before. I just don’t feel like participating in it this week. I just like my espresso with soy milk. I still like a mocha but I have gotten used to just espresso. Less calories.

If I stay home, I will make my egg and cheese wrap with the last lavash bread that I have. I can’t believe the package only has 4 wraps. Oh well. Maybe I will order it on my next grocery list. It is pretty good. I will also make my Hawaiian coffee. It is much better than Pike. I love the hazelnut notes in it. It is as strong as Pike but with a different taste.

I ordered another book called, Fire on the Mountain. It’s a historical fiction book based on what if Harper had succeeded in the South during the American Civil War. I like reading those kind of things. I really want to re-read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is the last book in the series. It’s be on Twitter the past week or so because last week was the anniversary of its release. I have read it many times. It’s probably one of my favorites of the series. The book I have is hardcover and paperback. The hardcover has been on my rug for some time now. It’s kind of buried with stuff on top of it. If I dig it out, I hope it doesn’t cause an avalanche. That would suck.

I’m going to eat something and then try and sleep. Later my readers.

telling a turtle to run fast

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Telling a turtle to run fast

I woke up in the middle of the night due to pain. I took some meds and then had something to eat. I couldn’t go back to sleep so decided to set up my new phone. I had charged it while I was sleeping. There were plenty of updates like the phone I was giving my niece. It took a while for every thing to download. I think I finally went back to sleep around 0600. I woke up around 1415. I had a bad dream that I was diagnosed with lymphoma and was telling my father’s side of the family. In the dream, my cousin was my doctor (which is weird because in real life, he’s an architect). I woke up after we hugged one another. It was very strange.

I went down to go to the bathroom and then make coffee. I asked my mother if she wanted a cup and she did. I made it and gave it to her. I then went upstairs with my coffee. As I was drinking it, I was updating my apps to my new phone. Some had transferred over and some didn’t. I didn’t realize I had a 64GB internal memory. That is neat. After I played with my phone and my coffee was half done, my sister wanted to see me so I went downstairs. I got to the bottom and my ankle gave out on me. Lovely. My mother makes some funny comment and I’m like whatever. Then she says I sleep too much. That pissed me off. I told her I am not sleeping at night and so I need to sleep during the day. I must tell her this nearly every day. I think the next time I wake up at 0300, I am going to wake her up so she knows I’m up and see how she likes it. I am so mad that she gives me no fucking support. I said so to my sister, and she said it’s like telling a turtle to run fast. It is still annoying.

I had some eggplant and some soup that was left over from the other night. I’m still kind of hungry so I might order a sub. I had to shut the AC off because it’s quite cool today. Luckily, my back isn’t hurting from the drop in temps. I don’t get how it can be this cool in July, but I will take it over scorching hot. It’s cloudy today, least it is now. I hope it doesn’t rain because I want to try and listen to the ball game.

My Hawaiian coffee came today. I will have it grounded on Monday and then have it Tuesday. I love this coffee. I am going to use it sparingly because it costs a lot but it’s worth it. Monday I see my dipshit therapist. I have no idea what to talk to him about other than how the hospital stay didn’t help me at all but keep me safe. It did annoy me to the point of giving in to my suicidal urges/tendencies. I haven’t acted on it while I have been out but I am still planning. The other therapy place hasn’t called me and because I slept most of the day yesterday, I didn’t call them like I wanted to. I will call Monday before I leave to see dipshit.

Before I went to bed last night, I called Sprint to see if the return kit was on its way. I wanted to make sure the idiot I was talking to did the right thing and that I don’t have three phones I am paying for. He said the kit will arrive on Monday as it takes 3-5 business days. As long as it’s on its way, that is all I need to know.

I put the otterbox and screen protector on my new phone while I was up around 5. It is much thinner than my other one. I tried not to get bubbles with the screen protector but I did. I am not that great at putting on protectors. I am hoping that this new phone will allow the functions of my Bluetooth headset to work. It didn’t work with my old phone. I seemed to have thrown the pin used to take the extended storage card out. I don’t know what happened to it after I used it. Hopefully I don’t need it again. The only thing that sucks about this phone compared to the old one is charging takes forever. It takes at least two hours to fully charge. I do like it in every other way. I found how to make different screens while I was updating my niece’s phone. My ringtone transferred over so I don’t have to change that. I hope it did for my contacts as well, though I don’t know because the ringtones are different. I have to find annoying ones for my mother and her crazy sister so I know who it is that calls me.

Saturday Blog 87

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday blog 87

I haven’t done anything today. I woke up early in pain and it took a while to get back to sleep. I only woke up because my mother fricken called me. I didn’t answer the phone because I had to use the bathroom. She, of course, got mad that I didn’t answer the phone. Then she called me a liar because I told her I didn’t have a tank top. I just bought one and it’s the only one that I have. Whatever. This is what I deal with on a daily basis.

I made coffee and had some bacon that my mother made. There was a tuna salad in the fridge and I had that for my lunch. I am going to order pizza and fries for supper. It’s too hot to cook. My new method came today. I haven’t opened the box but I think I am going to keep it. I had told my psych that I was going to return it but I don’t want to.

I got a letter from the US Dept of Education regarding my student loans. They are monitoring me and sent me a letter that I need to send back saying that I haven’t received any earned income. They will be sending me these letters for the next two years. I have been declared permanently disabled so I am not worried about being forced to find work. I am on social security and collect benefits from my workplace which provides me with the additional insurance I need after medicare. It’s a lot of money between the two insurances but it’s worth it.

I’m still feeling kind of low and out. Pain is minimal right now but that can change with anything. I was talking with an old friend last night until midnight. Time always seems to stand still when we talk and the next thing we know, three hours have passed. I stayed up for a few more hours as I had coffee late and it kept me up. I just stayed up until the baseball game was over. We won and I posted about it. Then I went to bed. Game isn’t on until 2100 tonight because they are on the west coast. I hate west coast games.

Supper was good. I had some watermelon after I ate. I love watermelon. I can’t eat too much because it can cause the runs with me. My mother and I were chit chatting. She was upset that I had posted on Facebook that I was in the hospital. I guess word got to my aunt and she didn’t want her to know. Oh well. I am not going to not post on my social media so the Boston Globe of my town doesn’t know things. Just kind of pisses me off that she wants to continue to hide my mental illness.

I have been listening to Sam Hunt and Eric Church the past few hours. I am trying to drown out the Linkin Park songs that are running through my head. I kind of want to listen to their music at the same time I don’t because it just makes me sad. Today has been difficult as I am missing my ex-therapist. I miss having someone care for me as much as she did. My new therapist just isn’t working out for me. I am overwhelmed with having to yet again find someone. Monday I plan on calling the place where I submitted an online request. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard back. They have different kinds of therapies at this place so I can pick and choose which kind of therapist I want, least I hope to. I just don’t want a CBT therapist as I don’t think that will be beneficial to me. I never liked the paperwork that is involved with this therapy.

I have been keeping a spreadsheet on my phone to help me keep track of my pain meds, how many I take and the time I take it. I find that it’s helping me feel more in control rather than just take pills and then forget the time I last took them. I just formatted a cell for text for the time as I couldn’t do it on my phone. I put in military time so that I don’t have to use AM or PM for the time. It’s just easier for me. Right now I am hurting really bad. Ankle and foot are acting up. I just want to scream. I last took my pain meds two hours ago so the only med I can take is my strong pain pill. As bad as I hurt, it’s not that severe. It’s more annoying as it is just throbbing and I know that I can’t do anything but let it throb. I hate this condition so bad. October can’t come soon enough. I am seeing my regular neurologist next month so I will ask her what she thinks on my condition and if she agrees that I do have CRPS. I’d like to know what her thoughts are in the matter.

rough morning

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough morning

I had a decent sleep but I can’t seem to get going. I went to Walgreens to fill my scripts and that just sucked whatever energy I had. It was pouring when I left the store and I didn’t bring an umbrella. Oh well. The rain was cool and refreshing but I had to walk fast so I didn’t get soaked.

I came home and wanted to get started on the gravy but I just don’t feel up to it right now. My ankle is throbbing. Think I will wait till the pain meds work before I am on my feet getting things ready.

Some idiot is doing some kind of work with a high pitch drill or some other power tool. It is annoying me so bad. I can forget about trying to nap. I’m feeling so worn down. It’s really depressing me. Great. The noise has stopped but the damn birds are chirping.

I have told my groups and some friends that I will be going in the hospital tomorrow. I need to leave early, before my mother gets up, so that I can leave without too much trouble or questions. I have charged all of my electronics and placed my cords for them in my backpack. I also packed one of my favorite Starbucks mugs so that I can use that rather than the hospital cups. I mostly just use it for juice. I mix orange and cranberry to make a punch. I like it. I can’t carry my powerades because it’s too heavy. I am taking one bottle though.

I need to go through my coloring books because they are heavy for some reason and I don’t want my back to be hurting me while I am in there. I packed a suitcase for my clothes and a backpack for books and cords and stuff. It’s been packed for months now because I was supposed to go in Feb, then March but one thing or another prevented me from going. I just hope my foot isn’t in severe pain like it was a few weeks ago. I would have gone in then.

I usually have at least one hospitalization a year. It has been that way since I was a teenager. It gives me a respite and a break while also giving me some routine to the day. I sometimes follow the same routine when I get discharged. Only thing is, I take more naps while in because the meds make me sleepy or I am just bored. Weekends are horrible because there are no groups or anything. Just a bunch of free time. I don’t think I will have any visitors. I usually don’t. I don’t have my family visit because it just annoys me, especially when my mother comes. She asks a million questions and then tries to get answers from the staff. I don’t let her visit. This is why I usually pack everything I can so I don’t have to bother my sister with it.

I might be able to get one of my cousins to take me home when I get discharged. If not, I will just take the T (public transportation). I have done it before, even though it’s a pain in the ass. Getting to the ED won’t be a problem but getting home usually is because it’s farther west of Boston, which means more bus and train rides.

I really don’t want to do anything today. I am so tired and I just woke up. I hate it when I more tired than when I went to bed. I had slept good so I should be more awake. Maybe I will make some coffee and that will perk me up some. The rain has cooled off but it’s still muggy in the house. Going to be fun being in the kitchen making the sauce.