Sunday Funday

Sunday Funday

I woke up in the afternoon after being up half the night due to pain. I had received a call from Walgreens about a prescription I refilled last week but didn’t pickup. I had to pick it up today. My mother called me because she was in pain and needed her walker. I got her that and then left for the store. After I was rung up, I talked to the pharmacist about CVS’s new opioid policy as I might be affected. He said that because I am long term, it shouldn’t affect me. I felt better about that and headed home.

I got home and the front door was open. I could have swore I closed it when I left the house. I climbed the stairs and there was commotion going on upstairs as my door was also open. I took off my brace and went up. Everyone was surrounding my mother and I was like what the fuck is going on. Apparently, after I left, my mother got cramps in her leg so bad that she couldn’t move. She was in agony. She had called my sister for help and she was still in a lot of pain even though the cramps had subsided.

Because the pain was in the back of her knee, I was worried about a blood clot or something so we finally convinced her to go to the hospital. We called an ambulance and took her. We spent four hours there. Thankfully there was no clot and the doc just thought it was inflammation. They gave her some pain medication and sent her home via ambulance as he didn’t want her going up the stairs. I rode in the ambulance home so the driver would know exactly what streets to go down. My sisters were waiting out front. I went to grab some food from next door as they were having a Patriots party. Everyone there was lit, including my neighbor. By the time I was done with my food and listening to the various conversations, my ankle was acting up. I told everyone I was going home and said my goodbyes.

I checked on my mother when I got home. My sister was still with her. She was still in pain but not as much. She has to sleep downstairs tonight. My sister made up the couch for her. I am not sure how much sleep she will have. I went up to my room to take my meds and cool off my room. It was stuffy as I had shut the door to keep the cool air in. It’s still hot but is cooling off slowly. My ankle is now hurting and I don’t remember or recorded the time I took my pain meds before heading to the hospital. Probably going to hurt all night because I had my leg in a sitting down or standing the whole time I was at the hospital with my mom. Fuck.

A frustrating day of pain

A frustrating day of pain

I woke up around 9. I decided to write the blog about zero suicide that I have been procrastinating/in too much pain to write. I got half way through it when hunger came over me, so I decided to make breakfast and coffee. I should have finished the blog before eating because I was ready to go back to sleep. I forced myself to drink more coffee and try to focus on what I was writing. My ankle pain was down so I wanted to take advantage of it. A friend wanted me to send it to him before I published it. I think I wrote about 800-900 words. I sent it off to him but haven’t heard back.

As I was so sleepy, I decided to take a shower. Worst decision of the day! Not even two minutes under the water, my back seized up and made it hard to wash up. I had to sit down so I shoved the things on the seat over so I could. I waited for the spasms to pass before I got up again. It didn’t matter as within seconds the spasms returned. I quickly dried off and went up to my room. I had wanted to vacuum my rug but that wasn’t happening. I also wanted to make cookies. Not happening either. The shower took so much out of me. I had to rest for most of the day.

I asked my mother what she wanted for supper. I suggested soup and she suggested I make it. Great. The ballgame was on at 4 so I made some pasta and heated up some soup. By that time, my ankle decided it wanted to hurt and my back was out of sorts again. I need to lie down as sitting is hurting me. Damn temp went up 20 degrees so my back can’t adjust that quickly. Heard it’s going to be nice the rest of the weekend so the temps should be stable, give or take 5 degrees. Least I hope so.

same shit different cold bleak day

Same shit different cold bleak day

I woke up around 6 and didn’t feel well. My back and ankle were hurting pretty bad. I took some meds and played with my phone. It was too early to go anywhere and I didn’t want to spend all day at Starbucks. My psych had moved the appt up to noon. It was raining out and windy. Jose was blearing. I went to lie down for a few hours before I had to catch the bus. That is when my back gave out and I just said fuck it, I’m not leaving the house. I emailed my psych and canceled the appt.

I’ve been sleeping on and off all day. My mother called around supper time but she made something I didn’t like and then got mad that I wasn’t going to eat it. Whatever. I didn’t want to move. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I really wasn’t hungry. My mood was in the abyss and I didn’t care if it stayed there or not. I thought about killing myself at least a hundred times. Thing was, I couldn’t move too good with my back hurting so trying to end it today just wasn’t going to happen. That just made me more depressed.

I must have chewed the inside of my cheek while sleeping because it’s really sore. I’m feeling kind of irritable. My mood just sucks. I feel like I am on a lethal path. I just want to sleep.

random 110

Random 110

I didn’t sleep again last night. I wrote my psychiatrist just how I was feeling and didn’t hold anything back. I didn’t say out right I was going to do anything but that I really wanted to. I was in such rough shape that I was seriously thinking of hacking my foot with a knife. Luckily, sleep overcame me before I did something.

Since I got up, I’ve been having cobwebs in my head. I just can’t think straight. Last night before I went off to sleep, I was thinking about writing something about zero suicide. I probably would have wrote something half assed. I kept on getting ideas of what I wanted to say but I just couldn’t get my notebook out to write it down. I knew if I turned on my laptop, I would be up for the night and I didn’t want that. I tweeted my friend about it and he would like to read it before I posted it. I thought that was reasonable.

I still haven’t written anything. I don’t think it is going to be today that I write it.

That’s all I got for today. My brain just can’t think anymore. Until tomorrow friends.