Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Foot and ankle hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Foot and ankle hurting

I really wanted to get out of the house today, but my ankle and foot were really hurting me today. I woke up in pain, took some meds and fell back to sleep. My back was also hurting, which it never does so I hope I didn’t over do it on Monday going for that long walk. So I just decided after therapy I was going to stay in and go back to sleep. Trouble was, I couldn’t friggin sleep. Brain was on high power and I couldn’t shut it down. Didn’t help that voices were ramped up. They were curious on what I was talking about with my therapist.

I talked to my therapist about my diagnosis. She said that I could be either Bipolar II or III. Great. More confusion of what my diagnosis is. But she doesn’t have the latest DSM and neither do I. I usually buy one just to keep abreast of the diagnostic criteria for certain disorders but this time I am not going to buy one because, I can’t afford it. It’s like 80 bucks or more. I haven’t even looked at the price on amazon. Nor do I want to.

I am glad I didn’t go out today as it is hot out. I didn’t have coffee today. I just didn’t feel like making it. Besides, I thought I would be going to Starbucks later in the afternoon. I suppose I could have left the house and gone to the post office. That wouldn’t have been too strenuous. I need to send my book to my editor as a thank you. I will try and do it tomorrow when I go out and meet my friend for coffee. I haven’t seen my friend in a couple of years now, though we usually just keep in touch via email. I am really looking forward to meeting her.

I have been feeling frustrated lately. I can’t seem to get it out of my head just how suicidal I was a month ago. I was reading my journal and there was no indication in what I was writing that I was suicidal until the 21st of July. Then things went from bad to worse. I still feel out of it at times. And the fact that I stayed so long in the hospital was a bit frustrating because nothing got done while I was there. I still felt like my needs weren’t attended to. No wonder people often attempt after a hospitalization. They feel hopeless when they get admitted and still continue to feel that way after they get discharged. My therapist has a packet of letters of my admission. She is going through them slowly but surely. It documents my stay and the treatment or lack there of, that I received. Even when I told them I was experiencing PTSD symptoms, all they told me to do was to take deep breaths. Not helpful.

I still don’t know how I am alive today. I am beyond amazed. But yet most people don’t realize just how suicidal I can be. And it doesn’t take much to get pushed in that direction. I don’t know if I am suicidal now but I know that it wouldn’t take much for me to do something. Today my niece called me a woman and I wanted to say something but I held back. No need to confuse her. I don’t ever think I will be called a man.

I slept pretty good last night, even though I still had some weird dreams. But I feel so tired right now I could fall right asleep. My brain is shutting down for some reason. Maybe the pain meds are finally hitting me. I am in a lot of pain and I have noticed that when I am, I can’t think straight. It’s like I go into another dimension or something. Maybe I just dissociate because I am hurting too much. I have done that more than a few times. Sometimes, when the pain is this bad, I will think my ankle is someone else’s, that it doesn’t belong to me. Pain changes you and no one knows it because they don’t see it. Sure, expensive tests will reveal the damage (fMRI’s can detect these changes) but not everyone can afford them. Doctors won’t order the tests because these changes that are seen, are seen through research only and don’t really have clinical value, meaning even if revealed, won’t change a clinical course for the patient. It is just so frustrating to live in chronic pain all the time. But I just take what works for me and hope that tomorrow I can go out to meet my friend. It is going to be an early day for me but that is ok. I have no plans for the afternoon, aside from writing my blog.

Saturday Blog 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, sports, writing

I watched college football for the first time this season. I didn’t think I was going to wake up early enough for it because I usually forget. Luckily, the game was on the cable network so I got to see it on my living room TV instead of the small kitchen one. It was OSU vs Navy. I had a hard time rooting for either team because both are my favorites. But in the end, I went for my most favorite team, OSU.

I forgot to take my morning meds again. It is way too late now to take them as I will be taking my night time meds in a few hours. This sucks. I also have not taken my blood pressure at all today and I am afraid to because I know it is going to be high. So I will skip that too.

After the game, I was very tired for some reason. So I took a nap before my bladder woke me up, angrily. I forgot that I drank 32 ounces of fluid before taking my nap so I was FULL. Not a good thing when you have CES. I am still wearing a pad because of my menses so if I leaked, I didn’t care.

I have to take a shower today. I am all icky and stuff. It looks like my menses are finally going away, which is a good thing because then I can restart my hormone pills. I just have to remember when I stopped the pills. This sucks that I have to stop the pill every three packs. What good is it if I do that?? Three months off is not enough time to forget the awfulness of being in the wrong body. And then have to deal with it again, three months later, just sucks.

Since I woke up this morning (around 11 or so), I have been eating constantly. I finally stopped around the time the game ended. I am now bloated. I don’t think I am going to have anything else to eat today. If I do get hungry, I will just have a bowl of cereal.

Ruby De La Rosa is pitching tonight for the Red Sox. I don’t want to even watch or hear the game. Ever since the Sox traded away three good pitchers, I stopped watching or listening to the game. I would, however, keep track on Twitter. Or if I really cared, I would go the website and check out the score. But usually they would have a lead and then blow it. Such is the story of the season. This year’s sox just cannot hold on to a lead for nothing. The only team that we seem to be able to beat are the Blue Jays. Tonight is a much more competitive team, the Tampa Bay Rays. I hate that team. So if I happen to sleep through the game, so be it.

The agitation that I was feeling yesterday is gone, thank goodness. I guess, all I needed was sleep, even if it took a few Ativan to get there. Right now I am just feeling sleepy. But it’s not even eight o’clock yet so I can’t take my meds. I mean I could, it’s not like I am on a schedule or anything like I was when I was in the hospital, but if I take them too early, the chances of me waking up in the wee hours of the morning is greater. I have done that before and I woke up at midnight or 1 am. Not good because then I have the energy of three people and I don’t know what to do with it.

I didn’t work on any writing today. I didn’t even have a cup of coffee today. I have a feeling the coffee is what is causing the jitters that I get. So as my writing award for next month, and seeing as I can’t afford Starbucks, I will try to make a Starbucks award for my writing next month. That is, if I can afford it. I am going to try and promote my book this month so I have a few dollars on the side. I sold 3 books this month. I want to try and sell 5 next month. That is going to be a huge task. It would be easier if I had a printer but I don’t. My sister does but she doesn’t have ink for it. I am screwed. But I can still hashtag away at Twitter every day a couple of times to try and sell my book. If I had the money, I would take an ad in a professional psychology journal promoting my book. I still have to mail my editor her copy of the book, which I will do on Tuesday. Monday is Labor Day so post office is closed. I am still debating if I should send my book to be reviewed by the American Association of Suicidology. I want to so bad but I don’t want to be criticized either. I have a lot of personal information. But they didn’t give me a lot of information to put in the book. “Just send two copies to this address” is all I have to go on. And I have the package all sealed up and ready to go. So if they needed me to sign the book or include my address in the book, too late for that. I just hope that I don’t have to be a current member because I let my membership expire. Dammit, the things I think of now.

My foot is killing me. The pain meds that I took earlier have had no effect on it. I am so tired of being in pain all the stinking time. I just want to chop my foot off right now. Sure it will be bloody and messy but I don’t be in pain, well not the type of pain I am experiencing right now. I think I will feel another type of pain but I am hoping that will go away with time. And if I happen to bleed out, so be it.

I am starting to get worried over a blogger friend of mine. She is having difficulty with her illness. I tried reaching out to her but got no response. She has been blogging saying that she what she is doing and I don’t like it. Even though she doesn’t know it, I think it is a form of self-harm. I just want to help her but if she doesn’t respond to me, that is kind of hard to do. I just hope she is sleeping off what she took and no harm comes to her. I will really miss her if she should die.

agitated ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I didn’t have therapy today. I was hoping a spot would open up but it never happened. Now I have to wait till Tuesday to talk to my therapist again. This sucks. I had a very busy day and need to talk about it.

I took my father to his appointment and surprisingly, he didn’t cause my already high blood pressure to skyrocket. I went to my appointment and just as I thought, my PCP increased the new blood pressure medication that I am on. Luckily, I was spared the weight issue/reprimand.

I have been feeling anxious all day. I have been up since 0530 and I can’t seem to calm down. I took an Ativan when I took my morning meds, hoping that would calm me down some but it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am such a friggen wreck. I am wicked tired, actually, I am beyond tired. I know that I won’t be able to rest as I am too restless to stay still long enough to sleep. I just have been going all day. I had a bad dream that caused me to wake up at 0530. I don’t remember what it was about now. I know it had to do with my mother. I just hope the dream doesn’t come true.

I think most of it has to do with the transgender piece I wrote yesterday, not the public version but the password protected one. I don’t think my therapist has read it yet and I am nervous about it.

I got an email from my pdoc asking if I can come in earlier tomorrow and I am like whoa, our appointment isn’t until next week. I really don’t want to do ANYTHING tomorrow because my leg is acting up. I got the nerve pain zaps last night and my foot has been on fire since it happened. I haven’t been able to calm it down because there is nothing I can take for it. I need a day to rest after I spent most of the day in my AFO brace (ankle/foot orthotic). My leg is also angry at me because my PCP had to press on my leg to see if it hurt. Fucker. Now I have to take my pain meds to quiet that down too. I am just going to have a party tonight with my meds and see what works and what doesn’t. I got to get rid of this anxiety first though. I think I will take an Ativan and hope for the best. Then I can take the nerve pain med and hope it puts the fire out in my foot. It sucks to have your foot constantly burning and knowing there is nothing you can take for it. I was driving today so I was limited in what I could take. It is just driving me crazy and I know that is probably one of the reasons why my anxiety is up and why I am so restless. I just can’t sit still. But writing has given me something to focus on, least for the time being.

I don’t really feel like I am hypomanic as I do not have a good mood. I am still really depressed. This agitation is killing me though. I think I am going to take some of my nerve pain meds and see if that calms me down. If it doesn’t, I will take an anti-psychotic. I just cannot stand being like this. And I really want to take a nap, though it is getting close to bed time so I probably shouldn’t. UGH!!! So frustrated.

I am happy that my PCP didn’t restrict the number of pills I got for my pain meds due to my psych hospitalization. He asked if I did something and I told him no. He doesn’t need to know what lead to the hospitalization, just that I was there because my blood pressure was crazy! This is the second time that my blood pressure was out of control during an inpatient psych visit. I don’t know if it was because of the stress that I was under or what. But I do know that I need to lose some weight to keep it under control with ONE medication rather than two. My biggest fear is that I will become hypotensive (low blood pressure). But I have been monitoring my bp at home so I don’t think that will be a problem. I take my blood pressure twice a day and the pressure seems to be worse at night. Happened while in the hospital too so no change there. Though I did want to slap one of the mental health workers when she asked me if I was drinking enough. Stupid dumbass. My pressure would be low if I was dehydrated. And I drank lots while I was in the hospital. Mostly ginger ale and juice cocktail (OJ and cranberry juice). I wish I could have had some vodka with the juice sometimes. I swore I was going to have a shot of gin when I got out but I still haven’t had it. I lost the feeling for drinking. Plus, it doesn’t mix with my pain meds.

I took my nerve pain meds. It better knock out the stupid burning pain that I am experiencing. I don’t usually have this type of pain. I usually have a physical type of pain that is helped with pain meds (narcotic kind). The nerve pain meds are not narcotic. And it doesn’t make sense since I have increased my mood stabilizer as that also can knock out nerve pain. Man, things are really messed up. I am on too many meds. I got to find a way to get off them.

pain and sleep ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got things done today

Last night I started the process of changing the bedding and sheets on my bed. See, half of my bed I use as my “office”. It has books, journals, my laptop and a couple of other items. So clearing it off was the real problem to changing the linen. Once I did that, I got the comforter off the bed and washed it. I knew it would take a couple cycles to dry in the dryer. I already had a set of clean sheets. Trouble was that today after I took my shower, I didn’t want to do anything. I had a rough night sleeping and thought a shower would wake me up. It had the opposite affect. But once the comforter was drying, I knew I had to change the sheets. I forced myself to do it and it went quicker than I thought it would. Usually I only have one clean set of sheets because I always put the clean sheets somewhere and forget where I put them. But the last time I washed my sheets I put them in my bureau where it wouldn’t get lost and hopefully the clean smell would stay on it. Score for me.

This is hard because it always hurts my back when I do change the sheets. It would be easy if I didn’t keep my bed as an “office” but it is easier to work from my bed than from a desk. I know sleep docs would have a fit if they knew. But I won’t see them as I know my problem with sleeping comes from my mood disorder than any other cause. Last night, I slept a few hours and was up at 0230. I wrote a nice blog, something about demons and that is all that I remember of it. I was in a lot of pain when I wrote it and also was a little drugged up with my pain meds. But I had to write. It was the only way I would get back to sleep. Around 7ish, I was finally ready to call it a night. I wish my sleep schedule would be normal but when I am in pain, all bets are off. And I was in so much pain last night it woke me up. Then I started getting cramps in my neck that just wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep. It was a really bad night. Probably the worse since being home from the hospital. And I was so angry at my treaters. Angry that they had kept me alive. Angry that I was in so much pain and couldn’t sleep. Angry that I couldn’t vent with someone because it was 3 in the morning. I was so WTF at everything.

I am to have a lunch date with my aunt this week. But I don’t think it is going to happen because I have my appointment with my PCP this week. It’s an appointment I am not looking forward to. My blood pressure is still borderline high to high at times. It seems to be worse in the evening. I don’t know why. I will mention that to him as well. He isn’t going to be happy with me because I gained a few pounds while in the hospital. I have been trying to work it off but it’s been so difficult as all I want to do lately is sleep because my nighttime sleep schedule is so fucked up. Maybe I will go for a walk tonight. It can’t hurt. Well, I suppose it can. I just never know what will jack my pain up. Sometimes it is over activities. Sometimes its doing NOTHING but resting. I just don’t get it. I know that if I go up and down the stairs more than a few times, I will hurt. My ankle just doesn’t like the normal flexion it is supposed to have. But I really have no idea why I woke up in excruciating pain last night. I am so baffled. I know part of it is because I was sleeping on my left side (I usually sleep on my right). But I was in a deep sleep and for me to be woken up in severe pain, I just don’t get it. I wish I could talk to some doctor about it to help me figure it out. My PCP is useless when it comes to trying to figure out my pain. But then, he is not a pain specialist. And the pain specialists don’t have any answers for me either. So I am stuck with figuring it out on my own. I need to become a pain expert and study pain but the brain is so damn complicated. I am lucky if I remember the structures of the brain. I can’t even remember the amygdala from the gyrus. It has been too long since I looked at it and its pathways. My memory is not the same as it once was. I used to have photogenic memory. Now, I am lucky to remember things such as when I had lunch or breakfast.