Tag: cutting

exhausted from all these appointments

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I was extremely exhausted yesterday. I went to my dentist appointment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The dentist was really good and didn’t hurt me while he scraped. I have no cavities, which I was thrilled to hear about. I still have my two baby teeth. They don’t have “adult ones” so I really need to start taking better care of my teeth. Because if they get injured or fall out, there is no replacement other than false teeth.

I came home and tried to sleep but I had therapy so I didn’t sleep too hard. I would sleep for forty-five minutes and then wake up. It was terrible. Then after therapy I figured I would have the afternoon to snooze. Nope. My sister called saying that my niece was sick and I had to pick her up. UGH. So now I had this sick kid that just wanted to cuddle with her germiness. Just great. Hope I didn’t catch anything. I washed my hands and I plan on taking a ton of vitamin D so I don’t get sick. No that is not a typo. Vitamin D actually helps the immune system because it helps a cytokine in the blood that is part of the immune system. Cytokines are like helper cells in the immune system, if memory serves correctly. I could have it wrong. But the bottom line is, Vitamin D is what you should take if you get a cold. I have not been really sick since taking it.

I am still exhausted. I still have an early appointment tomorrow that I am just dreading. I know it is just going to go like this, he sees me, examines me, and then says I have tendonitis. End of story. If he offers any other type of treatment, like a boot or a shot of cortisone, I will decline. I will be wearing my AFO just to show him that I have been treated for this before and I am sorry to waste his time and my sleep but my cranky PCP wanted to make sure that this was a foot problem and just a foot problem because God forbid it should be what I think it is, nerve damage that has messed up my foot! I am still nervous about this appointment because it is so early in the morning. I am afraid I will just go along with whatever he says because I am not awake enough to argue. Or that I will miss the appointment because the bus is late. As it is, I have to have my checking account on hold because I am not sure what the copayment will be. It will either be $15 or $40 (USD). It’s hard to say because I don’t know if this guy is in network or out of network. I won’t know until they run my insurance. I am still nervous about what he will do. I will die if I have to have x-rays done. Though he might just want to put me in a boot and see what that does but I am in an AFO so what good will that do me?? UGH, I am so frustrated and I haven’t even set foot in his office yet! (no pun intended!)

I talked with my therapist about self harming today. I told her my mother looked at the scars the other day. I felt mad because she touched me on my wrist and I hate being touched there without my permission. I actually hate being touched anywhere without consent, even if it is my mother. I have some pretty deep scars. We were talking about how I wish I could cut again to release my urges but she said that will open up a can of worms. What worms? Only thing it will do is want to make me cut more. And more. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need one cut to make me feel better. And then the idiot therapist brought up my book as if that is the source of all evil. UGH. My frustration has something to do with my book, yes I am not going to lie about it. But it’s not the only thing frustrating me. Today my group called me by my birth name and I got wicked pissed off. Granted this person doesn’t know me so I had to quickly diffuse the situation. An old time member called me by my real name and that is what caused everyone to call me by my real name. I am so frustrated with my transgender stuff it’s not funny. So throw that on the table as well for reasons to cut. Plus it has been more than ten years since I last cut. I want to feel the release again. But I know the last time that I did cut, I didn’t feel anything and wanted to go all nuts on my wrist. It took quite a bit of self control not to give in to that type of harming.

I am trying not to give in to it today. But damn it is so hard not to think of it helping me when all else has failed me. I keep thinking of the way it will feel. But at the same time I know what will happen when that feeling is gone. I will want more. And more. It won’t stop. Just writing about it is making me want to do it. I think I should stop here for now.

drinking and cutting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

***warning might be triggering***

Just finished my writing of four pages today. I talked about the benefits of hospitalization and such. I have good experience with that as I have been hospitalized over 30 times in my life. I had at least twenty by the time I was 25 years old. My depressions were brutal and all I could think about was killing myself. And back then, if you had any thoughts of suicide and were thinking about acting on it, it landed you in the hospital. Now you need a specific plan, time, and date before they admit you.

I have been having big self-harm urges today. It started last night and has not let up any today. I am able to distract myself with music and playing with my phone, usually by going on twitter. I rarely talk to anyone by my therapist about this, though today she wanted to know more about it and I blew her off. I don’t know why I blew her off. I don’t really know why I have the urges. But I just didn’t want to talk about it. I felt like if I did, the urges would come back stronger and I wouldn’t be able to keep them at bay. I deal with these urges for so long on my own that I still can’t let anyone in on them. They are too private for me to talk about. I know that the paper I wrote last night about my TG issues is a cause of it. I don’t understand the link between me being a male and me wanting to cut. And I don’t think I want to know. I also have been wanting to drink to get seriously drunk. Been staring at a bottle of crown royale the past few weeks. I could empty the bottle. It has about a fourth left if I let myself. I am just afraid of what I might do if I start drinking. I could get into the fuck it modes and take more meds than I should. I could accidently try and kill myself while under the influence. That is why I don’t drink. I am too afraid of what might happen. I have never drank and used my meds inappropriately. In fact, if I do have any alcoholic beverages, I usually don’t end up taking my narcotic medication because I am afraid of the side effects. I won’t even take an Ativan for fear of it slipping me into a coma, though I don’t take that much.

Ever since I had that mini suicide attempt last October I have been fearful of mind altering drugs and cutting. Cutting might seem harmless, but it really isn’t. Not to a former cutter. It is like a drug. Once you start, you can’t stop. You want to feel that “high” again and again with each blood drop. I can’t explain it beyond that. It’s like a thrill you can’t get otherwise. It lets go of the pain with each slash. I am just afraid of going too deep and needing stitches where I most likely will be hospitalized for my actions. They rarely let you go if you need stitches. And it’s terrible to have to sit and wait and wait and wait like you are some kind of leper. Even though you didn’t mean on doing yourself harm, they (psychiatrists and such) think you could be at risk for more harm. All it takes to get started is that one cut. And one cut is usually never enough. Just like with me, one sip of whiskey is never enough. I need more and more to get drunk. I am a binge drinker. I binge drink and then I am fine for months. But sometimes, I find that I can’t stop drinking. I am not an alcoholic. I just like to drink. And sometimes just one will do it. Sometimes five will do it. Other times it is the rest of the bottle.

I have never cut while drunk and I never drink while cutting. The hazards for going too deep and wild is too great, greater than overdosing on medication. I once wanted to cut my jugular while in a drunken rage so I decided to never mix the two. It takes some deep restraint not to give into impulses for either. And despite the impulse, I some how avoid doing serious harm to myself while under the influence of either substance. No, cutting is not an abused substance but it should be.

Dreaming about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, writing

Dreaming about being in pain

Today I woke up at 05:30 after having a dream that my foot exploded into pain. I woke up to find that I was indeed in pain. I had somehow rolled onto my back (I am usually a side sleeper) and crossed my feet, which my bad foot didn’t like. I took a couple of pain pills and then tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. The pain just wouldn’t ease up until the meds kicked. By then I became fully awake and have been up the past several hours. I am starting to get cranky to the point of yelling at my deaf mother for having the TV too loud. I just took some more pain meds and some Ativan to try and take a nap.

I had therapy again today. This time I just bitched about my horrible day yesterday and we talked a little about yesterday being the anniversary of why I got into therapy to begin with: my father. I don’t like him anymore today than I did 22 years ago. He is the source of my problems and last night even though I was struggling, I really wanted to cut like I did when this whole thing started. I won’t go into detail about it because I am just too tired to stir up memories of that night. Actually today is the day I first started therapy 22 yrs ago. But it was the events on the 5th and 6th that lead up to it and me wanting to kill myself. Funny how chronic pain changes you. 22 years ago I wanted to die because my father was and still is an asshole and today I want to die because I am in chronic pain, physically and mentally. I know that I never will have a dad though I still call him that. To me he is just a sperm donor. The love I once had for him has been long gone and it isn’t coming back.

The weather certainly has got me still in pain. My spine is still aching and my thigh is just in nerve pain hell for some reason. I don’t know why. I haven’t had this type of nerve pain for at least a year or two. I hope that it doesn’t indicate that my scar tissue has grown more on my nerve root. I am always fearful of that but then the docs will just chock it up to me being overweight and the weight is compressing my nerves. I had a conversation with a doc that said that even if I was normal weight or sub-normal weight I still would have the same back problems. Being normal weight or less than what I am now is not going to really change the fact that I have had four surgeries at two different levels and that I have a deteriorating spine.

Despite being up early, I was not so productive today. I had to cancel my eye appointment because there was no way I was walking on icy sidewalks and risk spraining an ankle in this weather. I had breakfast and lunch and my coffee. I just got my tribute blend coffee from Starbucks in the K-cups for the Keurig. I love this coffee. It is such a very full bodied coffee that just tastes so good. I just wish it would keep me from being foggy brained but I think the meds are kicking in…

On another note before I take a nap, I finally found my missing journal. When I changed the sheets the other night I placed it somewhere and forgot where I put it. I knew it was somewhere in my room because why would I take it out. But it got buried in a hamper so I didn’t see it right away. I haven’t written in three days. That is a long stretch for me as I usually write every night before going to bed. It helps to relax me. Which is probably why I have been so worked up the past few days. I started writing this morning and probably will write another entry before bed. I am so glad I found it because I really like writing on paper more than on the computer. Just an FYI, there was an article I read a few days ago that said that people read slower on electronic devices than a hard copy paper. I found that interesting that the brain has to slow down to catch up with electronics than it does with say a book. But then, that is how most of us grew up with, a book and paper. I find that I have to print out PDF’s because 1) I can’t highlight the information I am reading on a computer screen and 2) I like to keep the hard copy just in case the computer malfunctions or key drive gets lost.

Problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, physical pain

Problems

I have problems. Quite a few. I have mental illness and chronic physical pain. Both make me want to take my life. I know that you might think that the depression is causing me to think about it but it really isn’t. I am not depressed. I am in pain and when pain levels get beyond a certain point for me, I think about killing myself.

It’s after midnight. My therapist texted me back about how sorry she is that I am in pain. I asked her if I should take my heavy dose of pain meds as the moderate pain meds have not touched my pain and it is too soon to take another dose. Now my toes have been on fire and feel like they are in a vise. I hate feeling this way.

Pain is the main reason most people want to kill themselves. There has been multiple studies about how people in chronic pain want to end their life because it is not a malignant type of pain. Meaning that it is not terminal, you are not going to die from whatever it is causing you this pain. I have what is called complex regional pain syndrome that was caused by cauda equina syndrome. I have been suffering with this CRPS the past year and a half. I was diagnosed finally sometime in November in 2011. Once I was diagnosed, my life began to fall apart. I quit one of my two jobs and then four months later I was out of my second job because they could not accommodate my medical restrictions. I basically can’t walk correctly. I tried to correct it with an AFO but the pain still persists. Like tonight. My leg is swollen and I really want to fillet it open to get the shit out of it. But it will be against medical advice to do so. I don’t know why. My theory is that if the shit was drained it might get better. I don’t have the equipment to really drain it but I can cut it open and squeeze the until the shit comes out. Or maybe I just want to see the blood and see what color it is. You see when the pain gets this bad, I don’t think my leg is mine anymore. I think it belongs to an alien so why not cut it. I might not have a scalpel but I have sharp razors. I have bandages. I have tape. Cutting is something that I am familiar with but I am used to cutting my wrist up. I have the scars to prove it. The only thing that is really stopping me is the sound. A few years ago I cut my leg to see if it would stop the pain. And I didn’t like the sound. It was like cardboard getting cut. My leg was cardboard and there was even little blood. It was like I didn’t cut at all no matter how deep I was cutting.

So what am I to do except to write about how sucky my life is because of these conditions. So I have problems that no one has any answers for. That no one can help me with. It is very frustrating and makes you feel alone. You want to reach out but who do you reach out to at midnight or time after that? It was a fluke that my therapist answered me. She usually doesn’t answer my texts. I could page my psychiatrist but there is nothing she can do except tell me to go to the emergency room. I don’t want to stay there all night for a psych consult that will just end up sending me home anyway. I’m self-injurious but I am not suicidal at the moment. I’ll be able to get out of the hospital admission by saying that I promise not to do it. Which I won’t because I really don’t want to hear that sound.

Music is awesome. On my MP3 player Love Story is playing, it is my favorite time of all time. A song that I can listen to over and over again without getting sick of it. And it relaxes me. So maybe between the two pain killers, and the rest of my meds I can finally go to sleep…