I am featured today on the PTSD and Beyond Podcast for PTSD awareness month. Here is the link
https://ptsdandbeyond.podbean.com/e/episode-69-share-my-story-with-g/
Tag: depression
CRPS doesn’t care about hot temps
CRPS doesn’t care about hot temps
It has been muggy in the house the past few days as a warm front is passing through. Temps have been above 70 degrees and I have had the AC going. You would think that would be a cause of my foot being cold but I shut off the AC a few hours ago and then my foot got cold then exploded in pain. I have been miserable since. All I have had to eat today is two donuts and coffee. I don’t really feel like eating. I’ve slept most of the day. I am just so tired. I dealt with bad emotions last night. My anxiety was at its worst. Sometimes it is hard to know it is anxiety and I need an Ativan to calm down. Once the medication works, I can think clearer and not so dark sometimes.
I had therapy. I asked for an extra session as the dysphoria was really getting to me. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even want to shower because I don’t want to see myself naked. I wish there were no mirrors in the bathroom. I hate looking at myself. Sometimes I look at myself and think damn I look good and other times I hate myself so damn much I can’t stand looking at me. I have been meaning to trim my beard all week but that hasn’t happened. I just don’t have the energy for self-care. I was able to brush my teeth this morning before taking my meds. I find that if I brush after having my morning void is easier than trying to do it after I have had my coffee.
My day started late because after I took my morning meds I went back to sleep and didn’t get up till around 1300. I had coffee because it has become a routine to have coffee when I wake up. I tried to take a nap after coffee because I was feeling tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was too anxious I would sleep through my appointment.
I realized today that I had a really nuts therapist who really thought she had possession of me. In a way I am glad I am no longer in that relationship but I miss her sometimes. She provided me care when no one else did and was my biggest supporter in my efforts to be me. She went to the poster session with me at my first conference. My psych was to show up but never did. My psych is someone who I miss terribly. It is coming on two years now that she has been gone. It still hurts like the day we said goodbye. We still keep in touch and have had a few zoom calls since then. I never thought this psychiatrist would be on zoom but she did.
I have to plan my grocery delivery. I got to remove some stuff from my cart so I don’t go over my limit. I am going to the store on Monday with my cousin. I will get the stuff I am removing then. I need to have the heavy stuff delivered so it is easier to bring upstairs. The ice cream and steak I can get at the store.
waking up in the morning sucks
Waking up in the morning sucks
I woke up at 7 because I had to pee and I have been up since. I took my shot and my morning meds. I had difficulty drawing the syringe today. The plunger on the needle didn’t want to move so it was hard to draw. I hate when that happens. After taking my meds, I went downstairs to shut the fucking kettle off as my mother just let the thing whistle. I am so damn annoyed. I hate sounds and I just glared at my mother when I saw her. She had nothing to say. I got my coffee cup and made coffee. I had ordered donuts last night so I had that for breakfast. I left them in the box and they were kind of hard this morning. They were still good though.
Today I am going to try and take my recycling out of my room and put it in the bins. I also need to take my trash out. I need to shower today and I might trim my beard. Depends on my energy level. It doesn’t take too long to do but there is always a few hairs that I miss that I need to do the next day. LOL
I bought a new book called “When it is darkest” by Rory O’Connor. He is a suicide researcher that I have been following for years now. The book is about suicide and prevention. I can’t wait to start it but I already have three books that I started and none that are close to being finished. I really need to “schedule” reading time otherwise I just don’t read. I had to do this the last time I read a book and it worked out. I would make note of the time I started and read a chapter. If I finished less than an hour, I would read another chapter. I find this helps me keep track of my time and reading. I have a kindle book that I started but I don’t think I am going to finish it. There are too many words I don’t know because the book is written about the Middle East area and uses words to describe things that I just don’t understand. Thing is, I don’t know if the word is really a word or a made up one and I really don’t want to be spending time looking up words in the dictionary because it just distracts me. If a movie comes out about it, I will see the movie. The book is too hard to read.
The books I am currently reading is Dune, a baseball history book, and Sooley, John Grisham’s new book. I like the baseball history book and will read more than a chapter at a time with it. But sometimes it gets my mind going and thinking and I have to pause to reflect on it and where I want to go with it. With Dune, I am trying to remember what it is about as I have not seen it since I was a kid and kind of found it scary with the sandworms. I know Patrick Stewart played in it and I loved the movie but it has been so damn long, I forgot what it was about. I never read the book before so this should be interesting. Sooley has been interesting, like all John Grisham novels. It is about my 2nd favorite sport, basketball so I am all for it.
My allergies have been off the wall today. Started with my eyes watering like crazy. I had to use the allergy drops to calm them down. Now my nose is stuffy so I might have to take Benadryl to clear it up, which will end up putting me to sleep by the afternoon. I still need to brush my teeth. I’ll do that either before or after I shower.
3500th Blog post
3500 blog post
This is my 3500th blog post. I have been blogging since 2012, the year I got disabled. It was a tough year and I was depressed and suicidal most of the time. I had a lot of time on my hands and so I think writing about how I was feeling helped to get stuff out of my head. This blog has been a lifesaver for me. I don’t know what I would do without it.
Yesterday was a really challenging day. I had therapy in the morning. It was stressful. We talked about things that were hard to talk about. She is good at keeping me on point rather than going off on a tangent. I told her I would work on self-care and brushing my teeth/showering. I have been bad at doing these things. I don’t like brushing my teeth but I know it has to happen. I have been showering at least once a week but sometimes I can go 10 days without a shower. I need to work on clearing my bed for the week as I have nothing scheduled the rest of the week. It would be good to change my sheets.
After therapy, I had an hour before I had to leave to get my 2nd vaccine shot. I took public transportation to the hospital and back. I was seen really quickly at the vaccine clinic. I was in and out in twenty minutes. I then went to the square and got a caramel macchiato. I had a half hour before the bus was to come so I just sat on a bench and drank it. It was peaceful at the station. Not too many people were there. I was already feeling pretty tired. I brought a Powerade bottle with me to drink so I would stay hydrated. PT was torture. She had me do one of the machine and within a minute or two, my CRPS ankle flared up. I went as slow as I could possibly go. I didn’t care. I was exhausted and just wanted my bed. Afterwards she worked on my legs to get the knots out. She accidently put too much pressure on my nerve injured thigh and I screamed in pain. She avoided the area the rest of the session. My legs felt better but I got up too quick and got dizzy. She had me drink some water and rest. I then realized I had not eaten all day. I ordered Kung Pao chicken on the way home from PT. It was so good. I really love this dish.
Today I have been tired because I was up in the middle of the night again. I woke up at 1 to pee and had trouble getting back to sleep. It could be a side effect of the vaccine as well but I am going for my long day yesterday and being up in the middle of the night as a reason why I am so exhausted today.
I don’t know if I will listen to the entire game but I am going to listen to the first couple of innings. They are facing the Braves, which has been on a hot streak. We have been on a losing streak so will be fun to see what happens. I love baseball so much. I am keeping track of games lost/won again on Twitter. Right now their record is 29-19 and we are in first place.
I got a craving for donuts so I ordered them. Now I am happy because I haven’t had donuts in more than a year since the pandemic started. I am going to try and take my night meds around 7 but it might be earlier. I am just so damn tired but if I go to bed now, I most certainly will wake up before midnight and be up all night.
midnightdemons7 
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