Tag: depression

school and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, writing

I’m at starbucks and I wish I brought my laptop. I thought I would see my coffee buddy but he isn’t here today.

I have stuff to read in my bad but I just don’t feel like reading it. But I do have my journal which occupies my time for now. I am listening to Linkin Park because I am just in that kind of mood.

It’s good that I got out of the house after being cooped up for two days because of my bowel situation. I think things have finally settled down some. Plus I really wanted to get a McDonald’s cheeseburger and Chicken Nuggets. But I had a delicious turkey sandwich instead with some BBQ chips. My coffee of the day is Blue Java and I am sad to learn that it is being phased out. I am going to miss this delight. My next trip will be the West Java (also from Indonesia) but iced. I tried it hot but it had an aftertaste I didn’t like. I wish they made these reserve coffees for the Keurig. But then I really would not leave the house.

I’m really disappointed that I can’t go to school because my LTD states that I can’t collect when I am collected SSD. No where was that stated to me. And SSD didn’t care that I was collecting. Now because I was collecting at the same time, I have to repay what I owe, which basically means nothing for me while I am in this loophole. I am so pissed and depressed. Now I have no extra money for school or for anything really. I just have to live on my SSD check. I hate being screwed. It’s like when I got the check from UMB. $3k and I spend it on bills and the following the semester they say oops sorry you weren’t supposed to get that money, just $800. UGH!!!! Next time I get big money I am not spending a dime from it. I’ll just keep it in my checking account until someone says that oops I over paid you and I will have it to hand back to them. I feel so fucked over its not funny. I still plan on taking that one class over the summer. NOTHING is going to stop me from taking this class. Even if it’s the last class I ever take at UMB, I want to take it. I just hope they let me register even though I am not a student there at this time. I might get readmitted but what would be the point. I can’t come up with a grand every semester. Unless I stop eating or stop taking my meds or something. I might have to look at another school that doesn’t cost so much. Right now I don’t want to think about losing my baccalaureate at UMB because I will just cry. I might just have to stand at a corner with a sign that says change for college. But then the state might have something to say about that and then I will be screwed for not declaring this “income”.

Austin and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today was a difficult day. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and then I had group therapy. I first stopped for coffee and had about a half hour to kill before leaving so had something to eat with my coffee. As I am sitting there checking twitter and eating, the guy in front of me sniffles. I then sniffle. We both started talking about sniffling. Well, that wasn’t the whole conversation but that is how it started. We talked a little bit about our lives and what we were up to. We became coffee buddies. I do hope I see him tomorrow, though he says that he gets there early and I am not an early riser. I was only there early because I had my appt with my psychiatrist. His name is Austin. He was telling me how people mess up spelling his name and I asked how. He said with a W. I thought, oh geez. As I left to go on my way, I asked him when he was there most days and he said that time (before 1000), which is way early for me. But who knows. Maybe he will be the reason I get up in the morning and get out of the house for my one cup of coffee.

My appt with my psych went well. This week was our twentieth anniversary. I can’t believe it. I met her when I was 17 yrs old. That was a long time ago. I never wanted to leave her and she never wanted to leave me. So the card I got her it says that we have a weird relationship. That is why we are together, or something like that. I didn’t write anything more profound. I just didn’t have the time but thought those words were enough. She was happy and said that I was the most thoughtful person she knew. I gave her 20 cake pops to represent our 20 years together. I didn’t think of anything else to get her that wasn’t too expensive and too much. I know I should have but sometimes giving gifts to a psychiatrist can be tricky.

I then went to group therapy and like last week, I had intense feelings of wanting to kill myself after the group. This time was because the walk was too much. I got within a block of the building when my foot decided it didn’t want to go any further. It was raining and cold. I pushed further to get to group. It was the same trouble getting back to the train station. I was within a block of the station when my foot got too tired so was doing whatever it walk. At one point I just stuck it out like a penguin’s foot and walk like that for a few steps. It didn’t help but it got me closer to the station. I know tomorrow I am going to be hurting. It is the price I pay for walking.

Group therapy went ok. But again I felt really bad afterwards and called my therapist because I was in crisis again. I promised myself I wouldn’t go ahead with my plans because of my psychiatrist. It is our twentieth anniversary and I just couldn’t give her a present and then kill myself that week. That would be awful of me to do to her. So again I put off death. But I didn’t put off my therapist. She wants to meet tomorrow. She is sick with a cold and I am secretly hoping she loses her voice so she can’t talk. But knowing her she will talk anyway or I will have to talk more. Either way I am stuck with this crazy person.

I wasn’t sure I would finish this paper today. I had a couple of bowel accidents thanks to what I hope to be overdoing it on fiber pills. I had the runs and crapped my pants. I just don’t have any control over loose stool because of my nerve condition CES. I lost control after my fourth surgery. It has been six years now and I don’t think I am going to regain those nerves. It really sucks. The worse part was that my mother had to clean it up. Talk about feeling like a baby. All she kept asking me was to take Imodium but that would cause more problems for me as then I would get too backed up. I hate talking about bowels on my blog but today there is no way around it. It is shitty talk but it brings out the worse suicidal rage in me. I had to email my psychiatrist and tell her I took an extra Ativan because I just couldn’t deal. It was either that or OD on Neurontin which would have just turned me into a Zombie tomorrow. But that is how I cope. I don’t really want to cut. I don’t have the urge but I do want to crawl under a rock and die. I am so embarrassed and humiliated. My dignity went out into the toilet. And I don’t think I can get it back.

What started off as a good day went to the crapper. All because I lost control of my sphincter. That is what it is like living with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome

ramblings 30

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Ramblings 30

I don’t know what to write tonight. I had a sucky day. First my LTD check didn’t come like it was supposed to so I am broke until Wed when my SSD check comes in. If my LTD doesn’t come through, I can’t go back to school because I will still owe the $900 and I can’t pay that off with my SSD alone. I use my SSD to live on, pay expenses such as my rent, cell phone bill, cable bill, and my medication/insurance. After all is said and done there isn’t too much left over to do much else, except for groceries.

Second thing that pissed me off was that my PCP wants me to be more active. I don’t see how as I have been avoiding being in pain for so long I don’t know how to be active. But he also wants me to have structure in my life. Well isn’t that dandy, so do I. I can’t work right now because I am just too overwhelmed with things to try and work. I can barely take care of myself and barely go out anymore. I am working slowly to do that but it’s tough when all you want to do is stay in your comfy bed all day. I give myself little assignments. Like going to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription or drop a letter off in the mail. Yes I still use snail mail for my technologically illiterate therapist who refuses to use email I set up for her. She rather waste trees by have me mail her my writing and blogs. It’s pathetic but it gets me out of the house. If I am so inclined I will go to Starbucks for my coffee. Today I had to go out of the house to see the PCP. Though I also wanted to get a haircut but that isn’t happening until Wednesday I hope, unless I can get my cousin to cut it. It’s been two weeks since my last cut and it’s already too long for me. I like my hair wicked short, almost down to the skin. That is a good cut. But then I love men haircuts, especially military crew cuts.

So my day started off bad then got worse because now I am supposed to lose weight. I wish I dropped a pound every time some one tells me this. I would be skinny in no time! But I hate myself for being this heavy and that just feeds into the low self-esteem issues I have. I have never been thin in my adult life but I have never been more than 200 pounds either. It just demoralizes me because I hate the way my body is. I just can’t stand it. It has sent me into a suicidal tailspin again. Though now without my LTD check I don’t think I will be able to get the hotel like I was planning. If anything it would be my get away plan, though not necessarily a suicide plan, though I still like to keep that option open.

what it’s like to be in physical pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Last night I was in wicked bad pain. I started to think about ending my life again. The pain was that bad. I don’t know what caused my pain to flair up. I didn’t do anything more than I usually do when I have a day to chill, which is most days. I took a walk to the post office and sub shop to get a sub, then went to the liquor store to get a drink and cash my scratch ticket. Then walked home. I guess I was walking out of sorts as I didn’t wear my AFO. It sucks to use it for short walks but I guess me not wearing it is causing some flare ups.

Today pain is not that bad. I did some reading on a big book that I am reading, Alexander Hamilton. I am making headway slow but sure. I have to read it when I am not too tired as my eyesight will become unfocused now. It really sucks but this week I am going to visual therapy to correct it. My eye muscles just need some adjusting. I should also be taking a multivitamin but it is a pain to remember everything I have to take. Last week I filled my weekly pill holder with everything I have to take with extras such as omega 3, vitamin d, senna, and iron. My night time meds looked like a meal. I normally take at least a half dozen pills a night, not including my pain or anxiety meds so with these pills added, there were a lot. Then I had to eat something to cover it so to coat my stomach. I tried not to eat too much, just a bowl of cereal or a slice of toast. But sometimes I will have a meal, like scrambled eggs and toast. My eating habits are not usual as I don’t eat regularly. I tend to eat every 6 or 7 hours, if that. And usually only have one or two meals a day, even though I am home and it isn’t good. I just don’t have an appetite most days.

I take a lot of meds for my various medical and psychiatric illnesses. I used to only take meds for my psych condition but since CES entered my life, I am on more meds than I can shake a stick at. And that is if I am having a good day. A bad day, I take more, especially to control the pain. Or if I just want to escape I will take some Neurontin. That drugs takes your to another planet for a couple of hours but lately it hasn’t been as effective as it once was. Which is disappointing. The only downside of this med is that it gives you the hungry horrors the next day. I have gained more weight on this med than any other but I try and eat better when I have the horrors because I know I will be eating more. It is the only time that my appetite will increase.

Anyways, last night was a bad night and now I am feeling fine and good, least for now. Pain doesn’t usually start until around 2100. If it is not too bad I will take pain meds and then be able to sleep in an hour or two. If I am up more than that, it’s going to be a night similar to last night where nothing can touch my pain and I am off to thinking bad thoughts again.

Sometimes weather can play a part in it. Right now it’s snowing so I know that the pain last night was more because there was precipitation on its way than anything. I am sensitive to this. I am just grateful it didn’t knock my back out. I have had rain storms do that and soon as it stops, I am fine. It is the weirdest thing to be in excruciating pain, not being able to move any back muscles one minute and then be fine the next.