Tag: depression

Saturday Blog 11042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 11042020

I haven’t been keeping track of the days. I knew my friend’s birthday was the 11th (today) and for some reason I thought it was the 12th so I sent him a belated birthday message. Then when the date popped up I realized it wasn’t a belated greeting after all. I felt dumb. My friend wasn’t mad as he has been having trouble with the days, too.

I have been sleeping most of the day. I just am so fricken tired. I wanted to go to the pharmacy to get my meds but there was no way. I am still waiting for the antibiotic to be ready and it isn’t. I might have my brother in law get it tomorrow for me if I don’t feel up to walking. I should be able to go tomorrow but this tiredness is so enveloping. It hurts to breath some times. I don’t think I have ever felt so exhausted when I woke up. I didn’t sleep good last night and kept on having weird dreams. I dreamt I was at some amusement park and got a whiskey and coke before seeing my psychiatrist. Then when I went to see my psychiatrist, she was not where I had last seen her but in a different room. It was so weird.

Ankle is really bothering me today. I can’t seem to block out the pain anymore today so gave in to take a pain med. I don’t know why I feel guilty taking them. That is what they are there for. I don’t take more than I need. I guess I am just judging myself with the meds for whatever reason. Maybe I will talk it over to my therapist on Monday. Might be some good talk if she can understand why I need to take my breakthrough meds. She doesn’t understand chronic pain because she hasn’t had experience with it.

Last night I was in a bad mood. I don’t really know what set it off. I tried writing about it but didn’t get very far with it. I got more upset that I couldn’t write than anything. My last blog talks a little about it but not much. I hate when I struggle to get my words out. It is so annoying.

The nurse practitioner gave me antibiotics for this UTI I have. She was reluctant to do so because there wasn’t much bacteria in my urine. I am just grateful because I hate peeing every fricken hour. I hope once I finish it, I don’t pee so frequently. If I do, I guess the surgery did something to make me go more. I just wish I could sleep through the night without having to wake up to pee. I think that is why I am so tired today because I woke up and it took me forever to get back to sleep. I didn’t drink too much today so I hope I don’t wake up in the middle of the night again.

long day for a Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long day for a Friday

I woke up with a headache around 0500. I took some Tylenol and then I stayed up. I used the bathroom and found it hard to get back to sleep afterwards. The headache continued throughout the day. I am not sure why I have it and hope it isn’t because of a leak. I am paranoid about it. I am also really tired. I didn’t do much of anything today. I didn’t shower or shave. I couldn’t really stand for too long without my back hurting me. Just brushing my teeth set off spasms.

I feel like shit right now. Ankle is killing me with the throbbing that won’t go away. In another spot on my ankle I am being stabbed. I have two different types of pain going on at the same time and I just want to fucking die. I had taken my date off the table because I wasn’t suicidal. I texted my therapist this and now I am again suicidal. I got it in my head to be dead by such and such a date. I don’t know if I will go through with it but at least I have a date. The plan is already there. I know how I will end my life and there really is no stopping me.

in a bad mood today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

In a bad mood today

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 5 to pee and had a hell of a time trying to get back to sleep. Then my med alarm went off and I was cursing everything and their mother. I forgot to take my meds which probably made my sour mood more sour. I waited for the PT to come. My mother had the new dryer delivered today and the PT came about twenty minutes later. I was exhausted after I did the exercises. She had me do laps around the house and that made me more tired. I wanted to shower and possibly shave today but I don’t think that is going to happen. I am too grumpy and in pain to do either of those things.

I know I got a UTI. All day I have been peeing every 1-2 hours and it hurts really bad to pee. Sometimes there is blood. I have to wait another 24 hours for culture to come back. I hope I get it by the afternoon so I can message the doc if I need to. I think I am in a bad mood because I don’t feel good. Everything is bothering me today. I was able to nap for about a half hour until my phone’s email alert sounded. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I should have put my phone on silent. I got up after I answered the email to make some lunch. My sister did buy me the steak I asked her to get for me even though she gave me a hard time about it. It was a huge piece that I had to cut in half. It was good but I didn’t cook it through enough. I need to get my radar gun to get the temp of the steak when I make it tomorrow. My mother wanted me to do the dishes afterwards. I told her I couldn’t stand to do it and then she was like just be a yoyo and sit and stand. Fuck that. That takes more energy and I don’t have it. She can wash my one dish and pan. I am still recovering from surgery and the only reason she said something was because the tyrant said something to her about it. I really can’t believe how much of a bitch my sister is. We got along better before she moved in. Here it is a year later and we still get on each other’s nerves. I just stay in my room, only leaving to eat or use the bathroom. I could see if I was more than a month out of surgery but I am not. It is only 3 weeks and I am not supposed to be standing for very long. I can’t be a yoyo and refuse to be. I am not going to strain myself over a stupid pan and dish after I cooked a meal. They can leave it if they don’t want to do it and maybe I will do it if I feel up to it.

I don’t have anyone coming tomorrow and I don’t have to do anything except possibly get my prescription of antibiotics. I really feel like crap and I hate it. I really hate being sick and run down. I need another nap. I am so exhausted from cooking and the PT. She had me go up and down stairs which added to the fatigue. My ankle flared up when I got in bed after I cooked. It didn’t like me pushing off to get into bed. I have been in agony since. I took my pain meds and some Tylenol because I have a headache. I woke up with a stupid headache this morning. It goes away then comes back. I hope it isn’t because I have a leak again. I don’t want to go back on steroids. I gained nearly 7 pounds since coming off them. I need to lose 25 pounds now for me to have top surgery. I don’t think it will be this year. The back surgery is enough for me. Plus I know I won’t get help while I recover so I am not going to rush into it.

I need to shave as my beard is all scraggly. Maybe I will trim it so that it is neat. I have the clippers to do it. I just don’t have the stamina to stand while shaving and then shower afterwards. Mornings seem to be better for me to do stuff so if I get up early, I can possibly do this task. That will be my goal for tomorrow.

tiring Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tiring Tuesday

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up to pee. I couldn’t get back to sleep after I peed. When I did, it was only for an hour or so. I had an appointment with my TG doc today. I was planning on going out but after my shower, the energy levels went south and I stayed home. The appointment was via the phone so I didn’t have to be anywhere. The appointment went well. She said my T level was low for a trough but because of my sweating and acne, she didn’t want to increase the dose. I am okay with that. She called in a new script for T and said I could see her in a year. I am to have blood work done before the appointment. I hope things are back to some kind of normal by then.

I did some journal writing this afternoon. I wanted to write about the appointment and some other stuff as it has been a while since I last wrote in it. I don’t think I wrote in it since the first week I came home from the hospital.

I took out my gravy for dinner. I didn’t know I would be the one making dinner. My mother didn’t want to make it because her back was hurting her. I nearly collapsed after the pasta was done. I am so tired right now that it is hard not to just shut off this laptop and go to sleep. I didn’t do the dishes. There was no way I was going to do that. My mother cleared the table after I finished. I was so wiped out. I used the bathroom and then went back to my room to rest. I hope I don’t have problems sleeping tonight. I also hope to stay asleep through the night. Waking up at 3 am is not fun. Just throws me off for the entire day.

Tomorrow I plan on going into Boston to give a urine specimen. I need to find out if I have an infection or not. I am glad the urge to pee has settled down some. I hope it is because of the bladder medication I have been taking. I know that this medication increases constipation and I didn’t want to take it but the uro said it could help so I am taking it. I just got to keep up with taking the other medication for the bowels. I now have to keep track of the time between voids/cathing. It is a pain in the ass. I also got to keep track of the last time I had a bowel movement. The B&Bs always needs to be in the back of my mind. I hate that I need to consciously keep track of them. Because the moment I don’t keep track, things get fucked up.

I got a get well card from a friend in the UK. She sent me a bag of Yorkshire tea so I will be having it tomorrow morning. I can’t wait to try it. I was very happy to get a card from my friend. It means so much to me. She is a very good friend. I have known her for years. If I ever get to the UK, it will be a long trip to see all of my friends that are scattered throughout the country.