Tag: disability

It’s late and I’m still up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s late and I’m still up

I had to go back downstairs because that is where the bathroom is. I am in so much pain that I decided to take the strong pain meds to see if that calms things down. I fricken wish my therapist wasn’t on vacation. I could really use a session right now as my sister still has me all torn up. I just feel that they are crowding into my space and that I don’t feel valued. It’s bad enough where I place my bags my sister wants to put a cabinet so I need to move my stuff out of there. My bro in law need to get his stuff out of there first. I just feel like I am being kicked out of my own home even though I pay my dues every fucking month. Half my SSD check is put towards the mortgage, and I do own, technically, a third of the house. I will inherit this place when my mother passes, which I hope is not any time soon.

Being in pain isn’t helping my mood. I am listening to music to try and calm down but it’s not working. I don’t feel like reading as I read quite a bit today. Tomorrow I need to answer the questions of the chapter and then turn it in. I did find one typo that needs mentioning as the sentence doesn’t make sense otherwise.

I feel like my previous blog was a bitch rant and I don’t care. It is how I felt at the time. I am not sorry for how I feel but it was pretty harsh words. Pain will do that to you. All I keep hearing my psych would say is “calm down”. But how can I when my things are going to be potentially moved? All my books are in my office. All the hard work that I used for my research is in my office. Granted I have moved some of the stuff to my room, but most of it is still in my office. I might not use it every day and it’s mostly a holding area for stuff, but I do use the room. I really don’t want my sister living with me again. It will be too much. And what will become of my niece and nephew? They are just going to live in the streets while my sister has a roof over her head? That is what is really burning me up. She calls them selfish but I think she is if she doesn’t provide for her kids, no matter that they are over 18. Just really pisses me off.

It’s not like my sister doesn’t have her own apartment. She does. She has lived there for a long time. It’s her home. I don’t understand why she would want to give it up to live in a shitty small room that can barely fit a twin size mattress. I just don’t get it.

One thing is for certain, I always make do with my thinking. Some time in September I will go through with my plan to end my life. Then I don’t care what the hell happens to my things. They can have a bonfire in the backyard with it. But I seriously need to write a will and testament before I do. It will be tough but it will happen. I got less than four weeks to do this. Some deadline…literally.

taking a friend’s advice and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Taking a friend’s advice and other things

A dear friend of mine said to let the AC rest for four hours and then turn it back on. So I turned it off and I am sweating my ass off while it’s resting. It’s after midnight and I can’t sleep despite putting on the white noise thingy that I use for sleep. I have been dependent on the AC noise for so long that I had no idea it was part of my sleep routine. I can’t sleep in dead silence. It’s too creepy.

My foot pain acted up an hour or so ago. I have been really bad on drinking today despite the heat so I had some almond milk that had the necessary salts that I needed. I still have a headache but I think that is because I am in a very warm, humid room. I hope I am not up for the next four hours but I might be. There is no point in leaving my room as it’s hotter in my house than my room, unfortunately. I still plan on getting a new AC unit next week because I think it will help my electricity bill. The unit I have now just sucks electricity really bad. It’s at least 5-6 years old. Only trouble I have will be getting the new sucker to my room. It’s 50 lbs so there is no way I can carry it up two flights of stairs. I will have to have my brother in law install it for me.

I have thought about watching a movie. Sadly, what I want to watch ends on a teary note so I don’t want to cry at the end. I could watch Titanic as I have seen it a million times but it’s so damn long and I am afraid I don’t have the patience to watch it, not while I am hot and cranky.

Yesterday would have been the perfect day to end my life if I had any brains. The temp was nice and cool. I have been thinking a lot about how to do this. I think I will leave a letter in my wallet that says what to do if I am found. I don’t want heroic measures. But I feel that I should at least leave a contact information with whoever finds me so they know who to call.

If Depression Kills and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

If Depression Kills…

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/robin-williams-death-remembered-in-poignant-note-on-mistakes-people-make-about-mental-health_uk_57ac765ee4b08ab70dc173d1

I came across this article on Twitter as it’s the anniversary death of Robin Williams. There is also another article that is written by a friend of mine, also in the HuffPost, but I am unable to retrieve it at this time.

I posed the question that if depression kills, and I have depression and it kills me, would anyone care? I was expecting a response on Twitter but didn’t get any. On my Facebook page, I got lots of responses. One of them was from a dear friend of mine and he said that he would be devastated. I wanted to write to him and tell him that I was sorry and that eventually it will kill me. It’s only a matter of time.

I wrote to my psychiatrist. I wanted to tell her that the voices were telling me to off myself again but I didn’t want to worry her so I didn’t say that. I just needed a refill on my meds as I am running low and will be out if it’s not refilled soon. It would be dangerous for me to be without my meds, particularly my antipsychotic. I hope she calls it in soon. I had to take another trilafon because the voices are just so out of control tonight. I don’t know if that makes 2 or 3 doses that I have taken tonight. I usually put it in my app when I take the pill but I didn’t do that today. I am not a good paperwork keeper.

I was getting ready to sleep when a thunderstorm passed through. My spine immediately seized up on me. It felt like someone was twisting my lumbar vertebraes. I had to sit up because it was so uncomfortable. Now my ankle is screaming at me but I just took my pain meds so it’s just a waiting game to see when it will quiet down the screaming. I think my ankle is upset because I took a shower. It wasn’t a long shower. I timed it by listening to music and it was less than three songs, though I did end up having to clean the shower afterwards because my dirty feet made the shower floor dirty. It was driving my mother crazy. I cleaned it as best I could but couldn’t get all the dirt off the floor, even with the cleaner. Oh well.

I got hungry around 2030 so I made a tuna sandwich. Now my stomach is angry with me. I can’t win tonight. I just hope I don’t throw up. I really want to have something sweet, like Oreos, but am thinking it isn’t a good idea with my stomach being upset right now. I really want to go to sleep but I am overtired. I hate when I get like this.

Wicked Humid Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked Humid Friday

The heat index is somewhere around a 100 today, I am sure of it, if not more. Despite a thunderstorm that passed through and dropped the temp to a mere 82 degrees, the humidity is still high. I had soda on my back porch and when I got them to refrigerate them, they were so damn warm. I moved them to my cooler office so they don’t explode.

I went to my appointment this morning, which was a challenge as I didn’t sleep very well. I went to bed or tried to go to bed around 0100 but woke up two hours later. I took an Ativan and tried to go back to sleep. An hour later, I fell asleep only to be woken up three hours later by my alarm clock. I made the 0822 bus, but just barely. I almost got on the wrong bus I was so tired. That would not have been good.

My appointment went okay, though for some reason my medication that I needed to be refilled was no longer on my medication list so had to be added again. Every month I get the same script and there have been no problems. Now it’s a problem because of the lovely new system. Some system this is. No wonder doctors are leaving left and right.

I went and filled my prescription. I wanted to get hamburgers for my lunch and dinner but the bus was coming soon and I didn’t want to wait an hour for the next one. As I was leaving Walgreens, I was looking at what they had for food and saw they had my Ball Park hot dogs! It made my day as now I didn’t have to go to the grocery store to get them.

I got home and I was soaking wet with sweat. If the outside heat index was a 100, my house was 200. YUCK. I quickly changed out of my wet clothing and dried off in my AC’d room. I didn’t feel like cooking and I was kind of wicked tired so I just took a nap.

While I was at my appointment, I told her of the pain I was in and that I wasn’t going to do PT. She didn’t argue with me and I told her I found some exercises on the internet that seem to help me, when I do them. I told her my pain was too great and there was no way I was going to be traveling in this heat. It’s just too much for me. I didn’t tell her about my mood and she didn’t ask. I told her my psych team was basically on vacation, least until Monday when my psychiatrist comes back. I might page her because I was really agitated when I came home for some reason. I had to take a trilafon. Whether or not that contributed to me taking a nap, I don’t really care.

I really wanted to read but I had no time. I barely had time for a sandwich at Starbucks before I had to take a train to my appointment. I had 5 shots espresso and I was still tired. I have no idea when I am going to read Adler. It’s the weekend and I hate going to the Square because there is hardly any seats unless you go early and my early tends to be later than everyone else’s. I still have coffee for home, though I am running low on half and half. I just hope it lasts me until my next grocery order in a couple weeks.

I am kind of in a reading mood right now so maybe I will give Adler a shot. The nap kind of gave me energy so that is good. I might have a cup of coffee as it’s still early enough to have one and if it keeps me up, so be it. I have nothing important to do tomorrow, except blog writing.