Tag: disability

got my flu shot

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Got my flu shot

I finally got my flu shot today. I hope that I don’t get sick from it. I didn’t last year when I got it but my arm was sore as hell for a few days. I wanted to get it yesterday but I wasn’t feeling well. My stomach was going insane. I had to stay near a bathroom so didn’t want to take a chance of leaving the house. I am tired now from the short walk. I didn’t think I was going to make it home. I got really winded and my legs were aching. I had to stop midway from my house. I hate that I am still not 100% from surgery. I am only six weeks post op.

I am listening to Hamilton again. I know I usually listen on Saturdays but it was on my playlist so I just played it. I love the soundtrack. It is so good.

Today I learned that my youngest sister has Covid. She is asymptomatic right now. My middle sister and mother will be tested tomorrow. I am nervous because both sisters went to Vegas and just came back. I hope that she won’t be positive too but you never know with this damn virus. If she is positive, I will get tested.

I am a nervous wreck with not knowing right now. I haven’t been sleeping. The trip to the pharmacy to get my flu shot really made me tired. I am fighting sleep right now. It is late and I don’t want to sleep because I know I will be up at like 2 am. I texted my therapist to let her know. She said she gets it. She wants me to get tested but I will if the sister I live with (middle sister) tests positive. I haven’t been around my youngest sister that much so I think I am safe. I just worry if my mother has it. It will kill her as she has a lot of health issues. I hope she doesn’t freak out when she is tested. It isn’t a pleasant test.

I am sad to hear about Eddie Van Halen. I loved him back in the 80’s when they were at their peak. His guitar playing was unheard of. He was so damn good. I am also sad to hear about Johnny Nash. I loved his music too. My mother has a vinyl record of his. I should play it, if I can find it.

My back has started to cramp up again. Damn thing cramps up on me every day. I take stuff for it but it doesn’t matter, I still get the cramps. They are so debilitating. I am definitely going to bring this up when I see my surgeon in a couple weeks. Maybe he can prescribe me something to take them away or maybe increase the dose of what I am taking. I should email my neuro and let her know. She might be able to do something for me. She wants to be posted about my progress and stuff. The only thing that sucks is that I don’t have bowel control like I used to. I have crapped my pants one too many times since my second surgery. I had a bowel accident yesterday morning that just turned into a shit day, not really colon blow but I had diarrhea and it was hard to control my movements. I hate that I have nerve damage to my bowel. It really sucks.

Frustrating Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Frustrating Sunday

I woke up in a funk. I didn’t feel really well but still wanted to go food shopping. I had some coffee and then rested a little bit before getting dressed. I went to the store and within twenty minutes, my back started cramping up. I just gathered things that were on the top of my head rather than look at my list. There was stuff I forgot but I will be going back sometime this week with my cousin. I came home from shopping exhausted and in pain. I can’t believe the fatigue I felt. I got a headache and it is really bad. It turned into a migraine. I took some meds for it but it still hasn’t helped yet. I am so tired that I can’t rest. It is like I am too over tired to rest. I hate when I get this way.

My mother will be making hamburgers for supper with the meat I bought. I am glad because I don’t think I can manage making dinner. I bought frozen dinners. But I forgot ice cream. I hate that I did. I have been in some kind of brain fog the past few days. I don’t know if it is because of the Latuda or not. I just feel spacy and forget things. I feel like I am dissociated but I really haven’t lost track of time or anything. I just forgot what I have been doing. Like yesterday morning I wrote a blog after I had breakfast. I cannot tell you what the blog was about because I forgot I wrote it. I just remember that I finished it around noon time and then I took a nap. I am so frustrated that I am so spacy.

I am also frustrated that I have no stamina to do food shopping. I am totally wiped out from the little shopping I did. My back hates me right now and there is nothing I can do about it. I have a killer headache. I feel so low it isn’t funny. I don’t think I am ever going to have the stamina I had before surgery back in March. It is driving me crazy and I don’t know if things will get better. I hope that when I start PT that somethings do get better but I know it will be a while before I see any progress.

I have such tension in my neck and shoulders today. It really hurts when I turn my neck. My shoulders feel so heavy. It is creating so much tension in my neck that it is making my headache worse. I woke up like this so maybe it was the way I slept. I just know that it is annoying the fuck out of me. Today is just not a good day. Tomorrow I plan on going to the pharmacy to get my flu shot. Once I get it, I need to let my pcp know so they can update my records. I just hope I don’t get sick after I get it. That will really suck.

Saturday Blog 03102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 03102020

I woke up early so I ordered breakfast because my foot is hurting me so much I can’t stand that long. I didn’t have coffee, though I should make it. Yesterday’s cup wasn’t fulfilling to me. Maybe I will have tea instead. I don’t know. I am so indecisive. I am listening to Hamilton again. I think it is becoming my Saturday thing.

I had to order another micro USB cable because it took forever for my Kindle to charge on the one I have and it kept on disconnecting while plugged in. The beeping was driving me crazy! I finally bought the new shaver. I don’t like it. It doesn’t give me a close shave like I was hoping it would. It works though so I don’t want to return it. There are days when I don’t want to shave but growing a beard while I still have breasts looks ridiculous to me. So I try to shave every other day or three. I really like shaving with a razor but sometimes it just isn’t feasible because of pain so I will use a shaver.

My foot is killing me today. It feels like my metatarsals are being crushed. I hate bone pain. It is so difficult to treat. I am so tired of being in pain. It really is in itself tiring. I wish I could sleep but I am too wired. I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I didn’t go to sleep till after 0200. Pain was keeping me up. I had taken a shower and set my foot off. The water hit my foot/ankle and it felt weird before it flared up. I have been in pain since.

I talked with my cousin who has bipolar disorder last night. He told me he will take me shopping some day next week when he feels up for it. I said ok as there isn’t anything urgent that I need right now. I do need to go shopping though. I need to get some food and snacks. My mother also needs juice. I know when I do go, I will be tired. I still don’t have the stamina I once I had before surgery. Fricken sucks that it has been almost seven months now and I still am not back to being even 90% better energy wise. I need to go to Walgreens for my flu shot. I think I will do that today.

feeling overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling overwhelmed

PT just called to schedule appointments for me. The PT that I have been seeing and really like is leaving the organization so I had to go to another location. I am a bit overwhelmed because the third week in Oct I have appointments nearly every day, and therapy hasn’t been scheduled yet so I am nervous that I won’t have therapy that week.

Since last night my back has been making cracking sounds or feels like it is. I don’t know what is going on. I know I don’t have the bony spine on my vertebraes anymore. They all have been removed except for L1-L2. This was because of all the surgeries I have had this year and in the past. I am nervous that I did something to my back yesterday when my groceries came. I just hope it is just muscles that I am hearing and not bone on bone, though it wouldn’t surprise me if there is bone on bone. My discs have deteriorated so there isn’t much cushioning like there used to be. I see the surgeon in three weeks. I will let him know before then if this continues. My headaches have come back and I don’t like it. I am hoping today’s headache was because of the storms that were passing through. I thought I was going to get a migraine but I didn’t. Tylenol seems to have gotten rid of the headache (and eating something too).

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be going over this overwhelm with her. I hate when I have so many appointments back to back. I hope I like this new PT. I don’t know if it is the one my PT recommended I see or not. She is supposed to send me an email tomorrow about it. I am just glad I don’t have to call the ride to get to the place. I can just take the bus as it is down the street from me. I just need to make sure I have enough money on my T pass. I will make sure I do have enough when I get my haircut tomorrow. The Train station is right there near my barber’s shop. I just hope I remember.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but my cousin bailed on me. He said that he wasn’t feeling good. It’s ok because I need to rest my back anyway after dealing with groceries on Monday. My legs are still hurting me from going up and down the stairs.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to change medications. I will be starting Latuda tonight and decreasing the Invega. I forgot how he wanted me to decrease the Invega so I sent him a message. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I am just halving the dose tonight and then stopping it come the weekend. Hopefully I won’t have too many side effects. I really hope that it works for me and doesn’t cause weight gain.

This weekend I will be posting transition pics as Saturday marks my second anniversary of being on T. Will be interesting to see the changes. I know there have been a lot. I am more hairy for one. My facial hair has come in nicely. I love that my mustache is more pronounced than it had been. It is darker and thicker. What bothers me is that I have hair on my chest but it is on my stupid breasts. I hate that. I feel like a hairy woman sometimes rather than a man. I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look. I still feel ugly. I can’t help but hate the way my face is. Sometimes I can look at myself and see the changes and other times I can’t stand to see myself.