Tag: disability

Editing, therapy, and other bullshit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Editing, therapy, and other bullshit

I had a good therapy session. We talked about my father and the day he died as well as other stuff he loved to do to make my life miserable. We didn’t end the session on a good note so I was feeling perplexed. I walked to the station, thinking about the things we talked about and decided I was going to get a steak and cheese sub for dinner. I have to remember to bring my inhaler with me now that it is freaking cold. My lung passages doesn’t like the cold air and I have been wheezing and coughing. I came home feeling like shit. Both feet were hurting. I had to wash my jacket and I figured I might as well wash my scarf and hat, too. I don’t know when they were washed last. The jacket smelled so it has been a while.

I went up to my room and texted my middle sister. We talked for a bit. I didn’t tell her how awful I have been feeling. I kind of wanted to but held back. I told my mother I didn’t want a party and she was like what about cake. No one likes the fucking cake. It goes to fucking waste! So I told her to make cupcakes instead and then people can pick it if they wanted to. But I only want my sisters and nieces and nephew. No one else. I guess that was a compromise as I really don’t even want to. I hate my fucking birthday so much. I really wish I wasn’t born some days.

I played with my phone saying I was going to edit my book and as I reached for a long sleeved shirt because I was cold, my damn foot went berserk. Fucking great. I had just taken a breakthrough pill like 10 minutes prior. WTF. My feet were cold so I carefully put my throw on then got my heating pad and gently put that on. Foot is still hurting but heat sometimes helps so here is to crossing fingers. I got my book and my axing tools (highlighter and pencil). I read a few chapters and one chapter got me. I was like shit, I wrote this? Sometimes I am amazed at what I write and other times, I am like that is such shit. One story, I axed a paragraph. I am just barely over 32,000 words for this book. This will bring me under 32,000. Just wonderful. Short story book is short. It is only around 124 pages, which includes the copyright page and title. Maybe I can find a blog or two I can add. I have done a lot of writing since then. But I want this book out by this weekend. I don’t want it sitting around because writing is hard. I worked on this book for two years and after 6 months of not coming up with anything new, I just said fuck it, I am publishing it (after I briefly edited it).

I know I am going to flare tonight. I had to walk to my therapist’s office because I missed the bus and I didn’t feel like waiting 20-25 minutes for the next one. I could walk there faster than that. So I did. And then I walked back. My heel is killing me for some reason. I don’t think it is liking the gel thing I bought anymore. I might have to do without for a while and see how I feel. But right now my CRPS foot is yelling at me. I just stood up to get another Powerade and OMG it screamed. Actually both ankle bones and foot screamed. I was going to take my Neurontin at 9pm but I am taking them with my night meds at 8. Fuck it. I am hurting and I know it is going to be a rough night. It will be a miracle if I sleep before midnight. Just hope tonight isn’t a fucking Christmas tree lighting up night. That is when different parts of my ankle and foot hurt with different pains all over and kind of switch from one area to another and then back again. FUCKING SUCKS!!! I never know what kind of weird pain I am going to be in.

My med alarm updated. So because I have two alerts in the morning for the different meds I take, it cancels out the noise. It will go off and then shut off. I think I will have to take one of the meds off the alert as I take all three together.

An hour ago, I had an anxiety attack which was an hour and a half after I took my night meds which includes Ativan. I knew from last week, it was the beginning of a pain flare. Yup. Suicidal ankle pain has started. I just want to fucking die. I have no idea when I am going to sleep. I am not going to edit my book. I will try tomorrow if I have some clear headed time. Fuck and I wanted to bake cookies tomorrow. Fuck this sucks!!

New Blog Look and Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

New blog look and therapy

I had an unfortunately reaction today while at Starbucks. I bought their new Morning muffin and though, I can’t quite prove it, it has ginger it in. My throat started to get all scratchy about half way through eating it. I went to see the manager to see what the ingredients were. It just listed “spices”. I sent a message to Starbucks on Twitter to see if they could be more specific. The Benadryl I took earlier has worn off and now I am feeling my throat feel scratchy, sore, and I am all congested. This happened the last time I was exposed. Took two days of non-stop Benadryl to settle it. I hope it doesn’t get worse. I told my mother to check on me when she goes to bed and I asked my sister to hear out for a “thump”, in case my mother has a hypoglycemic episode because there will be nothing I can do. Benadryl makes me dopey.

Therapy was good. I told him of my writing and promoting problems. I told him I would like to talk to the independent bookstore that is down the street from him. I told him I can picture myself going in but not being able to speak or if I do speak, they look at me like I am crazy and kick me out of the store. I need a pitch of some sort and I don’t have one. I never done something like this. He said to put something on my blog so I changed the theme and a friend said it looks more professional. I didn’t want flashy pictures or anything. I wish I could link my books but I haven’t been able to figure that out. Plus with me editing my book right now, I don’t want to link the 2nd book yet. My book is published but a friend said there were errors and I had to find them, and found at least 10 in the first chapter. I am so disappointed in myself as I should have caught them. I found at least 2 in the second chapter. So I will have to reload the file once I am done. I am glad the stories are short, lol. Makes for easier reading and editing. I might change things as I go along or add something. I don’t know yet.

I spent most of my time in therapy talking about writing or reading or blogging. I still have the postcards I bought that are just sitting on my bureau. I had wanted to hand them out at train entrance ways but my biggest fear would be someone reading it and then trashing it. I spent a good amount of money on them and though they might end up in the trash, I rather not in front of me or on the ground. I would mail them but not sure where I can mail them to. It is not like I have a huge mailing list or anything. I just feel stuck. I am not a good self-promoter. That is what stinks when you are a self-publisher. I have been thinking of sending them to my DJs at the radio station I listen to. One of them have been looking for Christmas cards. I bought them today so I think I will slip in a postcard. Might not go anywhere but you never know, which only means I need to really work on the editing this book faster than I wanted to. UGH. It is one thing to have an error on my blog but a book? I just don’t think that is okay, especially as that is MY book! LOL I found the thumb drive that has the last edited copy of the book before I uploaded it to Amazon. Now just got to edit, edit, edit! LOL

I just called the pharmacist to make sure that Benadryl and my pain meds didn’t interact. Fucking stupid allergy! I was panicking. Only thing is that I will be more drowsy, which I am. I won’t be editing tonight as I am just too tired. I hope I can get some work in tomorrow. I am not doing anything. I got therapy again on Wed, off Thurs, and then seeing my psych Friday where I will be having my bloodwork checked again. I am not sure if I will have to go to the pedi blood draw place, which I hated, or the adult one. My psych is a child psychiatrist as I started seeing her when I was 17. If I can choose, I prefer the adult one. Much better phlebotomists! I am feeling better so I am sure the sodium is close to normal. I still get tired after I do things but it’s mostly when I go out then come home. Even a trip to the pharmacy up the street from me will tire me out. I am not sure if that is just my chronic pain fatigue or the low sodium tired or both.

I want to make cookies tomorrow but I am not sure I will be able to because I have the editing to be done. I might do it Wed. I bought the chips a while ago but haven’t had a chance to use them. I was going to make beet brownies but I suck at making brownies. I like cookies better! I am the cookie monstah!! Ha ha.

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

I had a big flare up Wed after I came home from therapy. My foot pain was really bad. I swear the pain was on a scale of infinity. I was taking my meds but it didn’t seem to work. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until my mother got up around 7 or so am. I slept all day with her calling me at least twice to “find out where I was”. Yesterday I was in a horrible mood. I came down in the morning and my mother was just being sarcastic. I didn’t even talk to her. I just used the bathroom and then went back to my bed. I stayed there all day. I thought today I would be able go to Starbucks and read but I was much to exhausted. That flare took a lot out of me. I barely had anything to eat. I am not hungry. I thought about ordering food but I really didn’t want to go all the way downstairs to get it.

My mood still sucks, though it should be good seeing as the dufus in office is getting close to being arrested or something. It will come out soon enough. I just hope we aren’t in a war by then.

I miss baseball. It was the one dependable distraction I could count on to help me deal with the pain. Now I got nothing. Facebook has a new thing about ads. OMG. I used to just have two taps to get rid of them, now I hide them, and I have to answer why I don’t like them before I can make them go away forever (for that particular ad). I am getting so sick of Facebook. Twitter just has nothing of interest. For every one dog or cat post, there are at least five about gun control and the NRA. I followed one doc and now she retweets everything. I get it is important but I don’t want to see the damn tweets every single day around the clock!! Fuck! I really don’t know what I want my social media to be about anymore. It isn’t entertaining like it used to be.

I don’t know, maybe it is me. My interest in things are low. I really wanted to finish the book NeverWhere and though I am half way done, I am still not close to finishing it. I tried this week but the damn pain flare threw me out of whack. I tried to read it tonight but my brain just couldn’t focus. Happens when I sleep all day for a couple of days. I end up in this stupor and don’t really know what day it is. I am still in pain but it is not as bad as it was before. Even typing this on my laptop, I am finding the letters to be a challenge. I guess I am just not with it.

My mother put my cake in the fridge. I don’t think it is supposed to be so it is probably hard as a rock. I’ll probably have to dump it and I am pissed about it. Fucking bitch thinks everything goes in the fridge or can be frozen forever. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with her the last few days because I was sleeping. She was really getting on my nerves. Someone in my support group mentioned finding a roommate and renting a place, but don’t tell my family. How the hell am I supposed to move out without them knowing?? Some people just don’t think before they let their ideas out. I hope me being up this late doesn’t cause me to be sleeping all day again. I got to get my pain meds tomorrow and I want a steak and cheese for supper. I took out burgers for lunch. I got to eat something more than cookies. I had coffee today but it didn’t help me stay awake. Maybe I should have some more now, LOL. I am drowsy but every time I lay down, my brain goes into a million things. I can’t shut it off. Drives me nuts. Pain is not helping because it is giving me anxiety, which just fuels the brain fire of thoughts. I am going to try one more time and if I can’t sleep, I am reading the Neil Gaiman book. I don’t know what else to do.

Sunday Blog 2 Dec 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 2 Dec 2018

It has been three days since I lowered my mood stabilizer dose by 300 mg and I am feeling better with each passing day. The first couple of days were rough, especially as Friday I had a flare that caused me to pretty much sleep all day yesterday. Today I was feeling better. I did some stuff, like empty my recycles. I went up and down stairs too many times as my foot is not yelling at me and the “glob” on my ankle is throbbing. I hope I didn’t cause another flare in the making. I also did my med boxes for the week. I have decided to keep my night med box at my bedside rather than on my bureau. It is just easier for me, especially when my ankle pain is exacerbated when I stand. The bones in my ankle just feel like they are being crushed when I bear weight. It goes away when I move about my room, usually by the time I reach my door, but I rather minimize pain when I can.

My mother made lasagna for supper. Not my favorite dish. I had a burger for lunch and then some watermelon rather than some cookies. I bought the watermelon last week so I had to eat it before it all went bad. I had it with my coffee. I bought Stevia in the raw as a sweetener so I can try to reduce my sugar. It tastes okay. I like that only need one packet but found that I need much less for a cup of tea. I think I will use regular sugar for tea as I am not sure how much to use. I just like it a little sweet. A friend of mine while I was working didn’t use sugar in her tea and sometimes I got the cups mixed up so was using less sugar and it stuck. I still need at least 2 teaspoons for coffee though. At Starbucks, I don’t use sugar in my espresso as the soy is sweet enough.

I am regretting canceling my appointment with my therapist for tomorrow as I am feeling better. Granted I have not been out of the house, though, since Friday. I need to go to the Square tomorrow to buy an ingredient for some cookies that my friend told me are made to help with constipation. I am not going to use brewer’s yeast like the recipe calls for but will use the flaxseed meal. I had some but gave the bag to my sister as I didn’t think I would use it again. Not sure if I will bake the cookies tomorrow or not. I still need to make the cranberry recipe as I don’t want them to go bad. I bought them the week before Thanksgiving hoping to make them for dessert but the fatigue stopped me. The baking dish has been in my kitchen since then and my mother yelled at me tonight to use it or put it away. (But it is okay for her stuff to stay as long as it wants.) I got to take my laptop downstairs when my foot calms down. She wants to get another freezer as the one we bought is not frost free and it is annoying her. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. I am not really feeling like being aggravated with her looking at specs and things (or her touching my screen!)

I read one chapter of NeverWhere before dinner. I am sort of hooked on it now as I want to see if the guy gets back to the real world. It is a really weird book. I will hold off on Neil Gaiman for a while after I finish this one. I wanted to read 25 books this year but cut it down to 22. I am up to 14. I don’t think I will meet my challenge. I think I read 20 books last year but pain really hindered my reading time as my concentration was lousy. I downloaded the History Channel app the other night when I was in a flare. I watched some show about Oak Island in Canada. There are a lot of seasons so I think they drag it out, like they always do. I am not a huge TV person and usually only watch an episode or two of something whenever. I still haven’t finished the Travelers season 1. I think I have 4 or 6 episodes left before reaching season 2. Season 3 is ready to drop in a couple of weeks. But each episode ends in like a cliff hanger so you have to watch the next episode! I usually watch when I can’t sleep and want to be up for a couple of hours. Usually by 3 or 4 am I call it quits. TV just keeps me up, which is why I don’t have one in my room. I would NEVER sleep! Or read!

I am almost done Christmas shopping. I just need to get my mother something, which is usually a gift card. I also need to get my kids something but no idea what. The only “kid” is 13, the other three are adults. I might get them gift cards too. The 13 year old likes snacks so maybe I will get some of her favorites. I am glad this year I have some cash left over for gifts. I usually don’t. I still worry that what I have left over now is going to dwindle some because my insurance is going up and I will have to pay for my prescriptions. And with the new insurance, I am not sure what I will be paying my therapist. If it is more than what my Medicare co-pay is then I will just stick with the Medicare and tell him to bill that and then just use the other insurance for the rest of my medical stuff as I think Medicare is getting in the way of my care. I don’t have proof, but just call it a gut feeling.