Tag: FTM

Transition day 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Transition day 28

Today is my 28th day on testosterone. I forgot to change the time on my med alarm so I woke up at 4 am because that is what I set it two weeks ago. I didn’t like waking up at that time at ALL! But I was awake and I have nothing to do today other than to try and get my books and journals organized a little better.

It was again difficult to get the medicine in the syringe. I am supposed to get 0.25 mg/mL and I got around 0.2 mg/mL so I had to redo it until I got that 0.05. The medicine is tough because the needle is long and the vial is short. I had to keep an eye on the bevel of the needle and where the medicine was so I could withdraw it. I thought it would be easier as time went on but nope. I am going to have a harder time with the last dose as there is not much left in the vial. It is going to be tricky. But I will worry about that in two weeks.

I took my selfies and posted them. I didn’t notice any changes. It was so early in the morning, I don’t think my friends were awake as they haven’t commented on it. My sister texted me around 8 am. She sent me pics of herself dressed up in a Halloween costume. She likes this time of year. I don’t. I really hate it. I guess I started hating it when teenagers started banging on the windows looking for candy. Um, that is not nice and no you aren’t getting anything. Go away! It was scary so I didn’t open the door to shoo them away. I try to stay away and keep the lights off so they don’t think anyone is home. My brother in law loves it as he just stands in the door and gives out candy. He usually isn’t dressed up though. I have no idea if my niece will be in costume this year.

I sort of noticed my voice changing today. It sounded deeper. I got excited. I still haven’t told my mother I am on hormones. I thought about it a million times but she isn’t going to care and she isn’t going to be supportive so why bother. I called my friend up in Canada to see if my voice changed and she said she hardly recognized me. Whoohoo for voice change!! My barber said the same thing when I saw him (last paragraph). I think this is so cool. I am so excited about this. I am going to post it on my social media accounts!! My barber also noticed that my sideburns are thicker. Now if only I could grow a damn beard!!

I want to get my haircut today or Friday. I might do it today. I really need a cut as I haven’t had one since the middle of September. You can’t see the cut anymore. It is just a mop. I know I will feel better once I have a nice cut. I had coffee today. I made it good as it was nice and strong. I am loving the Guatemala blend. It is stronger than Pike. I love my coffees. Espresso is a different kind and that is wicked strong. I love it but sometimes my stomach doesn’t. I get at least 5 shots at a time so it is really strong. I always have it with soy milk but sometimes the barista puts too much ice so not much room for soy and that makes me mad. I am tempted to just have a side of ice and pour it in myself rather than have the barista do it. I hate wasting a plastic cup but I have to dilute the espresso!

I was going to vote today and if I go out, I will. I tried to get my nephew and niece to vote. My nephew is a definite no and my niece is a maybe. I tried. I hope my niece votes. I know my other niece won’t because, sadly, she is an airhead sometimes. I don’t think she is in to politics. I wasn’t until the Orange Buffoon became president. He wants me and people like me erased so I will have him voted out. I want Congress to change so that they aren’t lifers and not do what they are sworn to do. Okay, I am off my soapbox about that.

I wonder with my voice changing if that is why my throat is a little more irritated than normal. I have no idea if when the voice box changes if there is irritation. It could just be allergies though. Yesterday I was so congested when I left for my MRI appointment. It was awful. My sister Ubered me to and from. I am grateful because it really hurt to walk. My right side was so sore from the fall. It is a little better today, though getting up really hurts. Once I start moving about it is okay. I want to go out so that I don’t become stiff.

I just realized I never published this. I got on the net and well, forgot about this. I got my haircut and then something to eat. I wanted mango juice but the store in the Square didn’t have it. I was walking around and my leg didn’t like it. I missed the bus so had to go take another bus to catch the one home. Ugh. My leg is really, really sore. I am not doing anything today. I thought moving around would help and it didn’t. I am tempted to cancel my appointments tomorrow. It is my first appointment with the pain program. I hope that I can do it tomorrow. I just hurt so damn bad. I really didn’t think I would be this awful but I guess I fell harder than I thought. PT is going to be soooo much fun. NOT.

Long day with no nap

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long day with no nap

I didn’t sleep well. The gastritis continued most of the day until I moved my bowels and then I felt better. I think I was so backed up, stuff wasn’t moving until the other end did. I am feeling better now but I got the sharts and just had a false alarm so decided to take a shower anyway as I needed to. I meant to take one this morning but didn’t wake up early enough. I thought I would be able to see my doc today but there were no openings. I had gone to Starbucks and had something light for breakfast. I didn’t have my espresso as I knew that wouldn’t help my stomach. I had a caramel macchiato and I think the milk is what is making me feel all lousy in my bowels. I usually have soy and Starbucks milk just doesn’t agree with my bowels. I am fine with whole milk but not the 2% shit.

I wrote in my journal until it was time for the bus. I came home wanting to nap but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t hurting too much except for my right foot. The golf ball came back and every step hurts. I wish I was seeing a doctor tomorrow but I am seeing a nurse practitioner. I will be demanding an MRI as this has been going on too long. Three weeks is an awful long time, especially with PT and stuff.

I made the burgers I bought. I made all four of them as they were starting to go bad. I had one as they were 1/3 lb. The buns I bought were smaller than the burger! That kind of sucked. I just put mustard on. If I thought about it, I would have put pickles.

So the Dotard in Chief and his minions are trying to erase trangenders. Like seriously?? We are back to this bullshit?? It’s basically erasing everything President Obama decently did while he was in office and burns this administration so damn bad. I am so fucking sad and angry and I don’t know what. I don’t even know what to say. I knew it was a possibility and a lot of LGBTQ’s ended up killing themselves the day after the dotard was elected. That was almost two years ago. Tomorrow will be my 1 year anniversary of changing my name and having my sex changed on my license. I have no idea if that will still be the case with the “real ID”. I’ll find out in four years. I need to get my passport renewed and that I am not sure if I will get hassled.

Crap. I just farted again and it was a guess fart. I am ready to put on a damn diaper so if I do shit, at least I won’t be changing my underwear after every fart! I am so tired of nerve damage messing up my fucking life, or what is left of it. I will be damned if I am going to be called a her or miss. I will just slice my throat or something. Fuck. These elected idiots have say over whether I am a guy or not? Fuck you. It is bullshit. Plain and simple. I am so done with it. And they don’t care about anything but themselves. I am sure they are leaking shit to the press to stir shit. Hope Mueller is closer to doing something because I swear this can’t be going on for much longer. The lies, the bullshit. We are the laughing stock of the crowd. And the asshole thinks the world is laughing with him? Yea, keep dreaming dotard, keep dreaming.

Sox are ALDS Champs!!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sox are ALDS Champs!!!!

OMG last night was a nail biter of a game. The ninth inning, I was chatting with two friends about it and then it turned almost into a disaster. I didn’t want them text/messaging me. I just wanted to focus because I wasn’t watching, I was listening to the radio. Typing and listening can be difficult. Kimbrel was almost struck in the head as he came out of the bullpen by a fucking Yankee fan with a can of beer. I am sure that rattled his nerves some and it showed. He loaded the bases and couldn’t get an out. He got one out, then a run scored. Then he walked a run. The score was 4-3 at this point and he needed one more out. I was at the point where I wasn’t going to have nails anymore. Ready to get the clipper out and just hack away (I don’t bite my nails as that is gross). I do pick at my cuticles, which is probably worse, but hey, this is a playoff game. He finally got the final out with a ground ball, which was reviewed and the call standed. Game over! Red Sox win!! I went crazy! I was so damn happy. I changed my wallpaper to the Sox instead of just black.

I couldn’t sleep as the tension was too much. Pain was there but not so great as it was the other night. Between 12-1230 am I thought someone set off firecrackers. Found out today that it was gun shots. No one knows who did it or where or if someone was shot. It was at the end of my street. My sister told me the police was going to our yard to look for casings. Just wonderful!!

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0330, again! I didn’t put the do not disturb on as I didn’t have anything to do today. I canceled therapy. I was going to call some therapists but I haven’t brought myself up to actually do it. The alarm went off and I took my meds and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I hear my doorbell ring but I thought my mother was home, not that she could go down the stairs but if she needed me to, I was there. I didn’t hear her call me and she didn’t call my phone so I just lay there. Then my sister called me and told me what happened. She called again asking me to bring her packages inside. I opened the door and there were four boxes on the porch. WTF. Two were for her and two were for my mother. I didn’t carry my mother’s up. They were light but I was just lazy. I needed coffee and something to eat.

I ended up eating the last of the chocolate cake with my coffee. I showered afterwards. My mother must have gone to a doctor’s appointment because the showerhead was on top not in the holder on the side (we have the flexible showerhead). She doesn’t like it but tough shit. She said she got water everywhere. I asked if she had the curtain covering the sides of the shower and the curtain inside. She said no. Well, there you go. She had also turned it to the side so no wonder the water leaked out. I know the shower flex thing we have is not going to last. She is going to find another showerhead and use that. But it has to be $20 or less because that is what it should be (SMH). I just hope she doesn’t put the damn basket she has back in the shower seat because I like actually sitting down while I need to shower. She just doesn’t get it that I am disabled, too. Though she will never think of herself as disabled. Pisses me off. I will take the damn basket and throw it away. I don’t care some of it is my stuff. I don’t want it on the seat.

Today is day 4 that I have been off female hormones. I haven’t shown signs of bleeding and I hope that I don’t. I think it will be a few more days before I know I am out of the woods or maybe a week. I hope that with my shot next week will boost up the T and decrease my stupid female stuff. I really don’t want my menses. They suck.

Early wake up so feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Early wake up so feeling like shit

Yesterday I woke up early but I only slept for about 3-4 hours. I didn’t go to bed till around 4-430 am because pain was keeping me up. I kind of woke up okay. I had breakfast and coffee. Then I decided to make my mother her chocolate cake. I thought I would make my pumpkin cake after but never did. Once the chocolate cake came out of the oven, I was starting to get drowsy again despite having two cups of coffee. I took a nap and was done for the day.

I kind of woke up around 6pm. I had to eat something so decided to make a tuna sandwich. Pain was giving me grief. I am glad the Sox game wasn’t on. I wouldn’t have been able to stay up to watch it. I took my meds and then sort of waited for them to kick in. Around 9 or 10 I was getting more pain so took some Neurontin and an hour later, I was finally able to go back to sleep.

I woke up today around 5. I knew if I went back to sleep I would feel like shit afterwards but I was starting to feel tired an hour later. I took my morning meds and fixed it so the med alarm wouldn’t wake me up. I slept till around 10 or so. I still haven’t made my pumpkin cake. I had to go to the pharmacy to get my meds and because my mother distracted me, I refilled my meds for tomorrow rather than today. I was hoping they would fill it when I got there but they didn’t. One was out of stock. It takes a couple days to come in. Not sure if it will come in tomorrow or Wednesday. Last month it took three days to come in. So I will pick up the other meds when they are done and then go again to the store to pick up the out of stock one whenever it comes in.

It took a lot of energy to get to the store and back. I had to psyche myself up. I just had no energy and even now I feel like I need a nap. I am not making the cake. I just have no motivation for it. Maybe tomorrow. I also need to change my sheets as I got fricken chocolate cake on them. Have no idea how. They must have been on my pajamas and I didn’t know. I am so annoyed.

I bought some feminine products just in case I get my menses this week. I had a whole new package but slowly my sisters and niece used up my pads. I had to borrow money from my sister to get them. I haven’t decided if I am going to pay her back or not as she and her daughters used my pads! I got a little extra so I could get pizza later this week. That is all I care about. I hate being broke. Next month will be a little better as I won’t be playing catch up with my bills.

I am listening to the radio on the radio. I couldn’t be bothered with technology. The app I used kept on crashing. It was annoying me! Though the new updated FB app is worse than what it was before. New notifications don’t update, unless you click on an old notification. So damn stupid. I am almost done with the fucking thing. I wish I could say that Twitter was better but the political stuff is really upsetting me. On Friday, I muted accounts I was following for those kind of posts. I just can’t deal. I think I am going to continue to do that so I just have sports and cute animals showing, you know, how it was before the Orange Buffoon came into office.

Sox are tied with the Snakes. I am hoping to just listen to the game though they have an analyst that annoys me and when the broadcaster goes with him, I have no idea what the fuck is going on with the game. I had to shut the radio off when the snakes scored a grand slam, which I had no idea the bases were full. I have been having problems with the broadcaster all season. I finally realized that he tries to be an analyst and that is why I lose track in what is going on. I am not watching the game so it not like they can continue to talk about shit rather than the play by play. That is the whole fucking point of radio, a play by play. I might complain to the radio station because he is horrible. Hope I can tolerate tonight because my foot is bothering me so I won’t be able to watch and the TBS announcers are so far up Snakes butt it isn’t funny. Just horrible!