Tag: FTM

Useless appt that wasn’t so useless after all!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Useless appointment wasn’t so useless after all!!!

I had a hard time sleeping. Pain was awful last night and had me really depressed. I woke up a few times before my alarm but didn’t do much. I was already maxed on stuff I could take and I didn’t want to take any Neurontin because it would give me a hangover. The alarm went off and although I didn’t want to get up, my bladder said I had to. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I wasn’t sure if I would need an allegra but I brought it with me just in case. It was really cold out. I wore sweatpants as I didn’t feel like wearing jeans.

At least three buses I didn’t need came and went. Then my bus finally came. I had my espresso and a sandwich. I didn’t have time for writing because the trains were running behind due to a malfunctioning train. I played with my phone for a bit and then left. I really didn’t want to go to this appointment but it was the only way to get my female hormones.

My doc was on time. Usually she is late so this was good. She brought me to her office and right away she asked about my chart and how I wanted to be called. I thought that was odd so I told and stuff and then she said she would be happy to prescribe testosterone for me and I nearly fell out of my chair! She said she and an ID doc was going to lead a transgender clinic that would open in January. We talked more about my gender dysphoria and stuff. Then next thing I know we were talking about the hormones and how I would take it. I would have to kind of finish my birth control and then start T. That would be next week. I also need to be shown how to inject the stuff as I opted for that. She asked if my PCP’s office would do the training and I said I would ask. And then it was see you in four months!

She made my fucking day!! I don’t have to go to another clinic. I would have all my care at the same place, which makes it easier to have everyone on the same page, so to speak. She called in the prescription but the damn computer system didn’t let it go through. I have to email her and let her know about it. I am kind of waiting on what my PCP’s nurse will say but she is not giving me an answer until Wednesday. My therapist says I should just tell the doc they said no so another nurse can do it. I might go that route. My PCP’s office has been nothing but trouble. Just to get my fricken ear drops for my eczema has been a bitch. Two phone calls later I get the script. I go through this every year when the bottle expires.

I had such a range of emotion today. My pain has been bad most of the day but as it got colder, it seemed to get better. Kind of weird but I will take it. I only needed one BT med today, so far. I got to take my meds soon after I write this. Seems I have a pattern of writing a bunch and then playing on my phone, which delays the end of the blog. UGH. My sisters are excited that I will be starting hormones. It is definitely going to be a change. I didn’t bother telling my mother. I didn’t want her negativity to spoil my day. I am just going to have a beard one day and then maybe she will start to understand. I don’t know. Telling her I am how I am doesn’t seem to be enough.

Swirl of Things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Swirl of things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

If you are a daily reader, I apologize for not writing for a few days. I’ve been in a lot of pain and yesterday I had my cousin’s wedding. It went well. My ankle is still swollen from last night and I have the concert to go to tonight. I am wicked worried. But I don’t want a ticket to go to waste. I had some difficulty going to sleep and slept pretty hard when I finally did. Least until my damn med alarm went off at 7. I had changed the time because I was up early one morning and never changed it back. Dumb move. I fell back to sleep okay and thought I was going to sleep the day away. I really wanted to. But my bladder wouldn’t have it.

I got up and had coffee. Then my mother made grilled cheese for lunch. My sister wants to go to some Mexican restaurant where the concert will be so that should be fun. I love Mexican food. I am always up to trying new stuff. I know the burritos and stuff is so much different than Taco Bell, lol. I hope I won’t be in too much pain. I managed okay at the wedding with taking BT meds. I mostly drank water the whole night. I didn’t want soda. I did have one coke but that was it. I didn’t want to go to the bar. I took some pictures and when I showed them to my mother, she said I didn’t take a picture of the dress. I thought the person IN the dress was more important! She was absolutely beautiful. All my cousins were and my aunt, the mother of the bride. I talked with my cousin, the oldest sister of the bride. She looked stunning. Her hair was done up and she hated it. I liked it. We laughed about it. I took a picture with her. I really don’t have any pictures with them. It is something I regretted when my uncle died earlier this year so I when I am together with them, I try to take a picture. I didn’t much talk with the lunatic and she didn’t talk to me. I didn’t care. We sat at different tables. I was grateful. I did feel bad for my cousin’s wife who sat next to her as it looked like she was talking her ear off.

The ride home was a lot faster than getting there. There was a bunch of fog so we took it slow until we got to the highway. We couldn’t see more than two feet in front of us. My ankle was so done. We had this incline to get to the parking lot and I knew if I tried it, I was going to hurt so went down some stairs and walked to the car. It was better to be on level ground. The place was so beautiful. It was a castle and just majestic. I didn’t take any pictures. I didn’t think of it. Oh well.

I canceled my therapy appointment for Monday. I might have to reschedule my appointment with PT, depends on how I do tonight. I know I am bringing my cane with me. I didn’t wear the air cast for my sprain. It seems okay though it is kind of sore right now. I haven’t decided if I will wear it tonight. We will be leaving in a couple of hours. I want to shower but I know it will take some energy I will need tonight. I still have no idea what I am going to wear for a T shirt. I am in a white shirt right now but I am not wearing that out. I just wear white as an undershirt or for around the house.

The dress shirt I wore was perfect but I hated the things on my chest. It would have fit better if I didn’t have those fucking things. God, do I hate them. Makes me want to get a sharp knife and cut them off. I am scared that if I ever did do it, the surgeon would reattach the things. That would piss me off! I just got to wait for top surgery, which is so fucking long!!

Humidity is going to be ugly today. I really, really, really cannot wait for a temp of 70 or so without fucking humidity!! But summer isn’t over yet and then we’ll probably have an Indian summer so AC stays in! It probably will stay until November. I think I took it out the beginning of Dec last year. I didn’t use it for a month but the colder weather started so I needed to out to keep my room warm. That is when I broke my screen. Oops. I have fixed it though. My brother in law will put it in when he takes it out. I tried putting the sucker in, but my arms are too short to really reach where it needs to go. I also don’t have the strength to do it. It is not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I am debating on having my brother in law take it out of my room or not. I really want a new AC for next year. I am saving up for it now. I have about 6 months to save and I think I can do it, if I don’t get impulsive or have my painsomnia spending sprees. That was kind of crazy. I am glad they have stopped since I am on the new meds.

I might write tomorrow but not sure. Depends on how I feel. Hopefully I won’t be in horrible pain the next few days. But I planned a few rest days so hopefully that will help.

Feeling tired after a long day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling tired after a long day

I woke up early, a few hours before my alarm because I had to move but it was not easy. I was in pain from the position I was in. I turned over carefully and slightly went to sleep, only to wake up because that position caused my elbow to hurt. I moved it to stop the hurt then my med alarm scared the shit out of me when it went off. I was not expecting it at that moment. I got up to take my meds and use the bathroom. I have no idea if I brushed my teeth or not. I was so groggy and just wanted to sleep but I had stuff to do.

I went back to my room and laid down for a bit. Then I remembered I had to do an errand for my mother and I cringed. I had to get up now if I wanted to shave my head and get ready to go out. I did and left the house around 11. I didn’t get home till around 1730, a good 6 hours or so later. I swear my ankle had gone out on me at least two times. When I got to my psych appointment, I had to take off my aircast.

The orthotist fixed my brace a little bit. He gave me some moleskins and some sticker things for the grummets so they wouldn’t cause me sores. He encouraged me to find a taller sock but I think I have a few old socks that I can just cut the foot off and use the tube part so the AFO rubs against that rather than my leg. It will add some worth in the winter months. Not so great in the heat though, should we have another heat wave burst. I had woken up with my back aching because the temp dropped like 20 points. My spine didn’t like that one bit. It is supposed to be in the 70’s the rest of the weekend and I hope I can bake.

After I saw the brace clinic, I went to get Thai food for lunch. I almost ate the whole thing. What I have left is just a snack. I thought I would eat it after my psych appointment but I was still full. My psych appointment went well, though our next appointment won’t be in a month. I am shocked. I said I can still contact you, right? She said yes. She refilled my scripts. She was worried about my weight as it was up a few pounds since last year. I am not worried because it goes up and down. I have been gaining and losing the same five pounds for years. Since the Invega I did gain a little but I seemed to have leveled off. I just haven’t been successful in losing weight, which is hard to do when you can’t walk. We talked about weight and she wanted me to get weighed the next time I see my PCP. I told her I would. I hate getting weighed. It always leads to uncomfortable conversations. I have no idea how to diet or “eat right”. A friend of mine said that I should cut carbs. I have no idea how as I eat a lot of bread. She said that instead of having two slices of toast, eat one. Being Italian, bread is like part of the 4 food groups. We have bread with almost every meal. I have been trying but it’s hard to break out of the habit, especially when my mother or sister buys bread that is fresh from the bakery. Last night I had crackers with cheese. Crackers are carbs. So see, I got a carb problem, but the human body needs carbs so…I am stuck with weight.

I asked my psych if I could go ahead with the transition now that my pain is somewhat controlled. It might not be what I want it to be but it is better. I just wish the flares and ankle give outs would stop. So Monday I will be calling the LGBT clinic and making an appointment with the doc I was seeing there. I just hope they have an appointment that isn’t in Nov. I don’t think I can wait that long, again.

hard decision but had to be done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Hard decision but had to be done

I had an upcoming appointment with the LGBT clinic for going forward with the transition. A month or so ago the doc had called me wanting to talk to me about making sure my pain was well controlled before starting testosterone. I wasn’t hopeful that things were going to move forward and I had already made plans for my demise. The following week I had the pain doc appt and was told of the med change. I am still fricken waiting for the med change so I figure why bother going forward with transition when a) my pain isn’t going to be relieved and b) I am just going to die anyway. I canceled the appointment. It was extremely hard and didn’t think it affected me until I wrote it out in a tweet. I started crying at the loss that I will continue to be someone I am not.

It hurts more than my CRPS pain to continue to live in this stupid effing body. I know testosterone wouldn’t change my bone structure and even with phallic surgery, I would still be a female. I just hate that I won’t have more facial hair and other stuff to make me a male.

I been having a rough day with pain. I am so tired, physically, from dealing with it. I forced myself to go to the grocery store for some pulled pork. It was well worth the pseudo asthma attack I got with the stinking pollen. I had to have my cousin take me home because I knew walking just wasn’t going to happen. I would hurt so bad and I knew my breathing would have gotten worse. Even while I was home, I showered and I was wheezing while drying off. I had to use my mother’s inhaler to clear my lungs. I’ve never had allergies this bad before. I know the pollen is bad, which doesn’t help. I do take an allergy med and a nasal spray, which I didn’t take this morning. I should have but I usually just take it at night. I honestly didn’t think nothing of it until I was having trouble breathing and I got so congested that I am nearly puking my iced coffee.

Pain was so severe while I was home. I’ve been taking my pain meds but not the strong pill. Mostly because I haven’t had a bowel movement since fricken Sunday. Never fails that I am regular for a few days and then everything stops. I am hurting so bad it is hard to breath. I am just so full and uncomfortable. I had two sandwiches of pulled pork and a chicken cutlet for dinner.

For some reason I was craving pineapple juice. I went downstairs to my sister’s to steal some. I also checked the mail. My correct postcards for my book promotion came in the mail. I posted a pic on Facebook. A dear friend was kind enough to say send her some and she will distribute them where she lives. She works in the mental health field and is so supportive of everything I do. We met ten years ago at a conference and became instant friends. It was funny, we were in a session panel and there was a speaker with a thick accent. I think she was Danish or some European country. I don’t know exactly. We both liked the accent, though it was hard to hear her. We made notes to each other on the notebook that the association had given to us. I still have that notebook with our notes! HAHA. We were just some weirdos that clicked really well.