nervous and overwhelmed

Nervous and overwhelmed

I got a call from the neurosurgeon’s secretary today. MRI is scheduled for Saturday with a follow up appointment with surgeon for Monday. I am fucking nervous. I wasn’t expecting it to be this fast. The MRI will be done not at the hospital I go to but another affiliate hospital which is further in the heart of Boston. I have to take two trains to get there and walk a little bit. My back is going to be so sore after I just hope I can walk. The MRI is going to take a minute of an hour and laying on my back hurts just after 15 minutes. I always have back pain afterwards. I hate it. But I guess it is better to know now rather than later.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and fell. Slipped on the ice and whacked my head off the cement sidewalk. I feel so wonderful. Head is killing me but is getting better. I took some Tylenol. I didn’t pass out but damn was I stunned. Hit my head so hard my glasses came off. I didn’t realize it until I was walking toward the pharmacy. When I took a walk back I didn’t see them right away. I found them a few feet from where I had fallen. Because of the snow, I didn’t see them right away as the frames blended in. I am glad they didn’t break.

I started this earlier in the day and realized I never finished writing this. It is now past midnight. I am exhausted but the pain in my ankle and foot has gone astronomically high. I don’t think it is on a scale. I can’t take anymore meds though I just took an Ativan because I am ready to lose my fucking mind with this pain. I am so damn suicidal right now but I won’t do anything. I can’t do anything because 1) I am home and 2) I can’t fucking stand/walk to get to where I want to fucking be to end my life. The therapist is back next week. She supposedly will text me to see if I will continue seeing her or not. I sent her the blog that talked about the ambivalence I have with therapy. Depending on how things go Monday, I may not need therapy at all because I will just end things next week. I am supposed to see the psychopharm and that behavioral psychologist but I sort of canceled the psychologist because of the neurosurgeon’s appointment is close to it. I can’t reschedule the appointment with the neurosurgeon because he is taking time off in December so his schedule is either Monday or January. I can’t bear to wait till January to go over the results. I will be a fucking wreck. I could still make the appointment with the psychologist but I might be late depending on what time I get out of the neurosurg office. Last time the appointment was over an hour as we were discussing things and he was looking at my films trying to find out what was wrong with me so I don’t think giving myself a half hour to get to the psychologist’s appointment is a good idea. I left him a message to reschedule or have me be late.

My head is hurting again. I am really, really tired but I cannot sleep because of this intense pain that I am in with CRPS ankle and foot. I even put lidocaine on and that caused more pain. I think the application of the medicine is what triggered more pain but how else am I supposed to put it on? I got to touch the skin. I hate when a flare is this bad. I really don’t know when the fuck this flare is going to go away because it’s been a week now with the same level of pain. I know I need to slow down. I might reschedule my appointment tomorrow with the occupational therapist because I am so damn nervous about Saturday’s MRIs that I think it is just going to make the flare worse. I don’t think the fall I took helped and there is a lot of walking involved with the OT appointment. She is understanding about my pain so she won’t yell at me. I will try and do it the following week when I don’t have so much going on. I sent her an email explaining things that I am not ditching her, I just have things going on.