Tag: mental pain

So Close

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I was hoping to go to sleep before my foot or ankle decided to say hello to me tonight. Nope. Didn’t lie down quick enough. Actually, lying down is actually a kind of trigger. Seems my pain is worse when I lie down versus when I am sitting up. Now my foot is doing a curling thing so I had to take some Ativan to calm the fucker down.

I am tempted to text my therapist or email my psychiatrist to ask if I can have an amputation on my ankle if I can’t kill myself. It’s a long shot but I figure there is no harm asking. While I was lying down before the pain erupted, psychache hit me square in the chest. So now I have both types of pain going on and I am ready to jump off a bridge. It’s a good thing I don’t have a car to get to where I am going. There are no bridges in my area that are high enough to kill me, except the Tobin but it’s a bitch to get to and you do need a car.

I don’t know if I am going to get out of this episode that I am in. I feel like if I don’t go through with it, I am a loser. If I at least attempt it, that will be something. If I fail, at least I can say I tried and then deal with the consequences, horrible though they will be. If I succeed, well then this blog will be all that is left behind. None of this will happen in the next few days so if you are thinking of saving me, you are wasting your time. These are just my thoughts that are running through my head at this particular moment in time.

Pain is causing me so much grief. I feel like I am losing it, not that I actually had things to begin with. The black coat of depression is pressing on me very closely. I have been trying to master the lyrics to the song “Make you miss me” by Sam Hunt. I heard it twice today on the radio and messed up the lyrics. Pissed me off. I wanted to share the lyrics and song with my therapist but I was too afraid she would cry. I did share two songs with her today, Reckless by Martina McBride and Don’t think I don’t think about it by Darius Rucker. It helps me to share music with her. I have a knack for songs finding me when I am hurting or need to express myself.

My Sox lost and I think they are no longer in first place. I am upset. They should have had these games but their offense was dead. There are only 17 games left in the season or that count toward the pennant race. I am so nervous about these games. It’s not helping my mood any.

I seriously want to email my psychiatrist and ask her if she thinks I am going to escape this episode that I am in. I just don’t see a way out. I don’t want to go into the hospital. It won’t help me. I might be fine for a few days to a week but the suicidal stuff always comes back. It’s like a monkey on my back. And the longer I go without an attempt, the stronger it becomes. I haven’t made an attempt in years. I don’t know if I am hopeless. I don’t feel it. I feel nothing but blackness. I just don’t know what is going to keep me connected to this world. I hope the pain meds kick in soon so I can get at least my physical pain will be taken cared of.

The Emotional Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

The Emotional Therapist

I had therapy today. It didn’t go as I thought it would. Actually, I have no idea how it would go as our sessions are as varied as the day is long. She got my text about my plan and then proceeded to have a breakdown. She felt like I was leaving her, for good and she couldn’t bear the pain so I got to hear it in her voice. She struggled all session to keep composure. It was the most difficult session I have ever had. She kept saying that she wanted me to see her so I basically deposited money I was saving for the month in my account so I could get a zipcar for tomorrow.

So much went on in those fifty minutes today. I shut down as I didn’t know what to say or how to act to my therapist crying. She wanted to know what was really going on. But I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. The thought of me not being there anymore was too much for her to think about. At one point, I tried to steer the conversation but it backfired on me. I told her to get the baseball on her desk, which is our code word when she is anxious and she said she wanted me to throw it at her. Not the response I was looking for.

I realized today that we don’t have a therapeutic relationship governed by the “rules” of therapy anymore. It’s more of a relationship of some sort and I really don’t know how to process this. I feel like I again blundered my own death by telling my therapist I was suicidal again. I just didn’t know it was going to be such an emotional session today. I feel really bad that I am affecting her this way and I just want to run away from her very badly now more than ever. Just cut the cord and see you but she is too possessive of me to let go. We have been together approximately 16 years. That is a long time and I had no idea how much I affect her. I had a glimpse of it more than 10 years ago. I was suicidal at the time and I was dead serious, like I am today, about ending my life. She cried then as well and we worked through that episode. That was before I found out about CAMS and psychache and the American Association of Suicidology.

Suicide talk still freaks the fuck out of my therapist. She did most of the talking today and I just let her ramble on, even though it probably should have been the reverse. I am just not emotional anymore. It takes a lot for me to cry and to feel hurt. Other than that I am just a pile of deadwood, not feeling much of a damn thing. I just know that ending my life is what needs to happen to stop the relentless agony I am in day after day after day after day and night after night. All I see in my future is pain and that is not a good feeling to have. It’s dread and it sucks.

I hope tomorrow isn’t a continuation of today. I won’t be able to handle it, not in person anyway. I tweeted to a therapist friend and he gave me at least 5 reasons why therapists are afraid of suicide, which coincided with my theories on the matter.

Depressed Because Pain Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depressed because pain sucks

I thought I would escape the pain demons tonight but I was wrong. Zaps started a little while ago and now my foot is throbbing uncontrollably. I just took some pain meds, which I was hoping to avoid because most of my day has been pain free. I should have known that around 2300, my pain would increase.

I am deeply depressed. I am thinking of suicide again. It is the only thing that helps me to relax and gives me hope that my pain will end. I know that it will cause others pain by my death, but I just cannot go on living like this. I would say that I am too young to die, but there are kids dying every day because of cancer and other horrible diseases, or by stupid parents that leave them in hot cars.

No one knows what causes my pain. I am terrified of seeing another PCP because I am afraid he or she will not believe my pain because it very rarely happens during the day. I have most of my pain at night, when I don’t have an appointment with a doctor. Even then, I am sure they won’t be able to diagnose what is wrong. This has been going on for more than 4 years now. My quality of life sucks. I vacuumed the rug near my bed because I was tired of little shits of lint and other stuff getting on my bed because my feet track them there (I am barefoot most of the time). Most of it is lint or pebbles or paint chips from the stairs. Where the pebbles come from, I have yet to figure out. I found one on my near my “office”. How it got there is a mystery as I don’t have my feet anywhere near where I found it.

I am thinking of increasing the Zoloft but am afraid to ask my doc about increasing it, only because the stupid “wonderful” system that they have might screw up the dosage change again like it did before or totally delete it once it has been changed. It’s a very fucked up system. Even my pain meds have to be “added” though I have been taking it for years now when I go for a refill. So damn stupid. Yet the stupid system still has the abilify there even though it has been months now that I haven’t been taking it. Go figure that one out. Or rather don’t try. It will give you a brain cramp.

I have noticed the last few months how much my moods and suicidality have been surrounded by my pain. I think my therapist finally got it today after she read the letter that I wrote to her on Aug 24th. She saw how devastating my moods can be when my physical pain is at its highest level. I am in pain tonight but not at a suicidal level, thank goodness. The pain I feel now is just a mild, annoying throbbing due to the electric zaps that I had. These zaps are terrible and can go on forever or just a little while. I never really know but the longer they persist, the deeper the pain levels are once they stop. It’s worse than a severe cramp in my foot.

I should be sleeping now but pain is keeping me up. I have to get up in about 8 hours. I will be lucky to sleep at least 6. I am very tired. My head wants to rest. For the first time in weeks, I don’t have music drilling my head. It’s just playing softly, like background noise. I wonder if my neurologist can figure it out. It will make for an interesting story in my book. A nice short chapter. Most of my chapters in my book are short. I think the longest story is the first one and the rest are 1200 words or less. I am striving for at least 850 words per chapter. It is fun to write. I hope my readers will buy my book once it is published. If they don’t that is okay too. Most of the stories are on my blog anyways, with a few exceptions. So basically, the book is a blog production that is in paperback. It will also be on Kindle for those that have e-readers.

I didn’t think I would finish my book this year. I am getting closer to it. 80 pages shouldn’t take me long, if I keep at it for the rest of the month. Maybe the beginning of October I can start looking for an editor again. My last editor just flew the coop and I have no idea where she went. I have a Twitter buddy that has agreed to work with me. I have no idea how much she will ask but I will pay her around $300. My book isn’t that long (word wise) so it might work out. If she wants more than that, I will have to wait a while to raise the funds. Course that will mean no Amazon spending for the next few months. I miss shopping there and getting “presents” when the orders come in. But sacrifices need to be made. I do have to place one Amazon order my next paycheck as I need my senna and eye drops. Getting them at Walgreens or CVS is just way expensive.

Knockout

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Knockout

I went to Harvard Square today with the hopes of meeting my Twitter buddy. I did a lot of walking for an hour but it was worth it. I must have spent at least a half hour walking around the bookstore, just looking at books. I came across one called “Knockout: Mental in Massachusetts”. Its author is B.C. Scott and it is just as anonymous as the author wanted it. It was a fantastic little book, just under 120 pages. It was written in the style that my second book is, roughly 850 words or so per chapter. It was a quick read and I loved it. The person has an eating disorder, bipolar I, BPD, and PTSD. Her life was interesting as she was untreated for her manic episodes for most of her life. She was rarely down and when she was down, thoughts of suicide went through her mind. She thought of it and if she attempted, she doesn’t say. I know a lot of Bipolar I’s that think of killing themselves but never attempt. I hope she is one of those.

I didn’t get to meet my Twitter buddy because he had to see a patient at the hour he was free. He felt bad but I understand. I am literally two stops away from him so I am sure I will see him in the future. Plus, I love the bookstore that is a little ways from his office. That is where I found Knockout in the psychology section. It wasn’t supposed to be there but I guess fate had it there for me. I wasn’t going to buy it at first. There was no price tag on it or even a UPC code as it was made “on demand by Paige”. It’s their version of Amazon on demand books, self publishing. It cost $20 so I know I am going to sell my second book for $25 as it will be close to 200 pages. I love how the author writes about writing in her book and where she goes to do her writing. She doesn’t sound that much different than me, except she has the support of her family with her illness behind her, mostly her parents. That is something that I will never have, but I have learned to live without.

On the way home, it started to rain. I was going to stop in Starbucks for a coffee and something to eat but my leg started hurting and there was a long line. I couldn’t bear it so I left. I wait for the bus in my Square but it never came and I was really hungry. I just had a bagel at like 10 and then a pumpkin scone at Starbucks while I was waiting for time to go by to go to Harvard. I hardly ate anything and my stomach was getting angry with me. I really wanted steak tips but the line at the restaurant I went to was again long because it was dinner hour. So I went to Chipotle for a steak burrito. It was very good, even though I got sour cream and guacamole on my face while eating it. My sister sent me pics of quiche so when I went home (an hour later because the bus was late), I had some of that.

I emailed my psychiatrist early this morning because I didn’t have my trilafon. I now know it isn’t her fault so I told her stupid Epic was the reason and could she please call it in. I provided the pharmacy’s number and within an hour, my script was ready. I picked it up on the way home. My allergies were bad so I also got some Benadryl. It’s make me drowsy as I type this because it’s the gel cap kind. I only took 25 mg because I knew it would make me sleepy. The other Benadryl that I have is expired so I am not sure it has been doing anything. It has helped me sleep but nothing for my allergies.

I had therapy this morning. We talked a lot about the concerned asshole. She is the one that gave me the idea of writing the letter to this jerk off. She doesn’t want me to give up my blog either. I was talking to another blog reader who went through the same experience I went through. She doesn’t want me to give up my blog because of this asshole. I am sure the jerk is probably saying “better to be angry at me than be dead”. FUCCK YOU I say. You only prolonged my death. There will be other episodes, except you aren’t going to know about them. It just won’t be this weekend, you fucker.

I bought a new album today to help my mood. It’s called “Fighter” by David Nail and this guy is unreal. I love his songs and one of them is a Lady Antebellum song on their 747 album, I think. He sings it so good. I love Lady A and I wish they would stop giving away their songs to other artists. It wracks my brain because I am singing the song with Lady A but it’s not Lady A so it’s driving me nuts!! Like Martina McBride has their song “It Ain’t Pretty”. Every time I hear it, I am wondering when Hilary Scott is going to come in (Lady A’s singer). I still can’t decide who sings it better. I love Martina McBride but her vocals just sounds strange after you hear Hilary Scott’s voice.

I want to thank my readers for being there (except the one that called the cops, you can go to hell). Your support makes this blog worthwhile and doesn’t feel like I am wasting my time with it.