Tag: mental pain

Random 850

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Every night, I take my night time meds between 2000-2100. Sometimes I take them earlier if I am feeling really tired. It seems no matter what time I take them, I am still up till midnight or later. I don’t understand this as I am very tired but I can’t seem to fall asleep as my brain just keep going round and round.

I know I wrote two other blogs today. Some days, I feel up to writing up to three blogs. I don’t think I have ever written four blogs in one day, unless it was a quote or something. Part of the reason I am having trouble sleeping tonight is because there is a skunk smell in my room and it makes me sick. I have to wait for it to pass before I can lie down. It went away and then another skunk smelled up my room so I sprayed my cologne to help get rid of the smell this time. I hate nocturnal animals.

I was listening to some music as I had music running through my head, as usual. Luckily it’s going now, for the moment. Sometimes music doesn’t help wind me down, especially if it’s music I really like. But it helped me write a letter to my friend in Texas. We are going to be Pen pals now as she wants a break from Facebook. I don’t mind letter writing as I love doing it.

My back seems to be fine now that I am not doing anything strenuous. I hope it stays that way because I have to see my therapist Tuesday. I want to give her my cake that I made. It’s really good. I should have put in more pumpkin spice seasoning but the directions doesn’t call for it so I just eyeballed it. It wasn’t enough. I will know for next time.

I tried reading Dostoevsky. I read two chapters and then I had to stop as it was just endless babble. Then I tried reading a new book and that was a bore. I am marking that off my list of books to read. It’s terrible. I will try a different book tomorrow. Maybe I will read more of the “Dark Tide”. It’s kind of hard to read because it has disaster written before it happened and I hate books like that. But I am a stickler for reading a book through once I am into it. The other book I am not into it at all so bye-bye.

I hope the CBT people call me tomorrow. Something tells me that my suicidality is going to be the hold up. I will cringe if it is. Seems I can’t get any new therapist with my suicidal history, which is so damn sad and frustrating. Doesn’t matter though, because if it doesn’t work out, I will just try to kill myself and see if that works out. Screw the system. I know my therapist will be pissed as all hell but oh well. I can’t keep living in this pain that I am in. It’s too much.

Thursday I am hoping to go to the MFA and check out the Frida Kahlo exhibit. I will be wearing my AFO so I shouldn’t have too much trouble walking around, especially if my ankle decides to be a fart. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. But it depends on my pain levels and how I do going out to see my therapist. Sometimes, going out the 30 miles and coming back just takes so much out of me that I need a day or two to rest. I haven’t been so good on resting after doing an activity but I got to be better at it or I am just going to be in more pain. Like tomorrow is going to be a rest day because I did a lot on my feet today with making a cake.

Today marks the 5th month passing of my father. I guess that is why he was on my mind a lot last night. I still don’t know why his last few hours were so much more on my mind than at any other time during my life. I guess it’s because there aren’t that many happy memories that I have of my father. But I will save the bitterness of his actions for another day. He is gone and no longer a control asshole in it so I am free on some level.

Today in BPD chat, there was talk about Marsha Linehan and her DBT stuff, like “life worth living”, “radical acceptance”, and so forth. I respect Marsha because she lived through a lot and then worked to make it so people would live despite the pain they were in. And her treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder works to give people much needed hope. Now it is applied to other areas of mental health and it’s working. My therapist, when she found out about my date, had said to me that we don’t have a life worth living anymore. We never did, least I never did. Maybe she thinks, falsely, that there was something of that semblance in our relationship. I don’t know. I had given up the beginning of September and I still have clung to the notion that my life is over because I can’t see myself going on and on in pain. Soon it will be over in the next few weeks, unless I get into a CBT program and it works. Then my plan will be off the table, least for now.

I have never understood the “life worth living”. It’s a hard concept for me to take in. I understand it. I am not a complete idiot. But I can’t find value of it in my life because of the pain that I am in physically and emotionally. There was a quote that someone had posted and I wish I had take it down or favorited or something. It held some significance to what I was going through and now I can’t remember what it was. I’ll have to go through the transcript of the chat.

A few weeks ago I had sent my psychiatrist my explanations of dying. She wrote back something and I replied that if I should die, she wouldn’t be responsible or to be blamed for my death. I never got a response back. I hope she knows that I meant it.

Sometimes good things happen at 2 AM

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sometimes good things happen at 2 A.M.

Last night I was having a hell of a time sleeping. I was in pain but it was bearable. I was more restless than in pain. Then I got overtired, which is never good for me because I tend to dissociate and write bad things. But this time, I wrote a blog that was well received by all involved, though I barely remember writing it. I just remember saying to myself, I have to get to at least 850 words. I did and a little more for a cushion. I then sent it off to every Tom, Dick, and Harry I could think of that would like it, including my therapist and psychiatrist.

When I had therapy today, that was all she wanted to talk about. The blog was amazing to her. She wants me to get it published somewhere. Where, I have no clue. She wanted to know how I could write that good. I told her it was 2 in the morning and that is typically when I do my best writing. I don’t know what it is about that hour, but things come together and click. I told her it was another dissociative writing because I was in and out of consciousness while writing it. I was so damn tired and just wanted to sleep but couldn’t because I needed 850 words. I read it this morning and it was pretty good. I feel proud of myself for writing it.

All we talked about in therapy was what I wrote about in the blog. If she had a psychache scale handy, she would have made me fill one out. I wasn’t up for that. I could barely feel psychache or perturbation or press. I was feeling sleepy and I just wanted to get espresso at Starbucks along with something pumpkin. Or maybe get a burrito. We did talk about my death date and she wanted to know what it was but I wouldn’t tell her. She is hopeful that I will take it off the table. I am still ambivalent about the date, myself. There are some things that I want to do before I die in the next few weeks.

I asked her if she liked pumpkin and she said she did. I told her I was planning on making pumpkin goodies. Now I can pawn on her half the cake I am planning to make so it won’t go to waste. I feel good about this. I can also hand off some cupcakes, too. That is if I find the recipe for them. If I don’t, I am sure I can get one off the internet. I just hope we have hot water by then. Apparently, my brother-in-law is waiting for a part to come in from his work in order to fix our heater. Why the hell he can’t get it from Home Depot is a mystery to me.

I felt therapy went a little better than yesterday’s session. I talked a little bit more than she did. She wishes that I could sleep before midnight so I wouldn’t have the overtired dissociative writing episodes but then, my good writing wouldn’t come of it. She half ordered me to go to bed before midnight. I laughed because I have tried many times to sleep before midnight and usually I don’t succeed. Sometimes I do, but it is rare. It all depends on my pain levels and lately, they haven’t been good to me.

bubbles, torments, and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bubble, Torments, and Suicide

I don’t think I am going to get to sleep tonight. I am in severe pain again. I wish I could fall asleep like my body wants me to but my head and pain are keeping that from happening. I am not only in physical pain, but I am also in emotional pain. I have that darkness in my chest again and it’s weighing on me severely. It’s making things hard to see clearly. Everything is dark. I am again thinking of taking my life because of this darkness. I can see no other way through it, this time.
I have been taking my pain meds around the clock the last several days in an effort to control the physical pain. It works but soon as it wears off, I need to take another dose. Such it is with short acting medicines. I rather be on short acting ones than longer dose ones, though. I have been on long acting ones and frankly they messed me up more psychologically than my mental illness. I vowed never to go through that bullshit again. I will continue to take the short acting medicine because it is what I am used to and doesn’t hold that many side effects like it once did. I am used to it now.
Because it’s so late at night, the midnight demons have come out. I am again thinking of ending my life because that is what I think about at this hour. I can’t sleep because of pain, pain that the medicine can’t touch. The pain is called psychache, or emotional, psychological pain. There is no remedy for this pain. And it sucks. So, suicide becomes the method of choice to alleviate this pain. It doesn’t mean that I will act on it tonight. Far from it. Just thinking about ending my life and imagining about going through with it is enough to soothe the demons. You might think that is a crazy notion, but it’s true, least for me it is. I find that imagining my death is soothing. I don’t know why. I guess it is because it helps to control something I can’t control, like this pain in my chest that won’t go away.
The pain is stubborn. It resists all measures of relief. Love doesn’t help it, neither does someone caring for me. It’s a funny thing to be in this type of constriction when you want to end your life. All you can see is the end point and that is your death. You block out the people that care and love you. It’s like you just enter a world that is just filled with pain and no matter how many times someone says they love you, it just bounces off and you can’t feel it. It torments you because you know you are hurting that person by not reciprocating that love and care. But it’s too much pain you feel and you are locked in this bubble that no one can really touch. You are alone in this world, though people have constantly told you that you are not. It’s all a fallacy.
Psychache has other features that make it so that suicide is constantly on your mind. Perturbation is one. The need to constantly feel something and the need to do something to ease the psychache. And then you have Press. Press is something that is felt deep inside. It’s the inner workings similar to stress but takes on a different meaning. It is what drives the perturbation to new heights and carries the pain to new levels. All three when at a significant standing means suicide is imminent. Dr. Shneidman calls this the suicidal model of suicide. It’s a complicated but simple meaning of these three Ps. But that is for another discussion. I just know right now that my levels of these three Ps are varying like the weather. It is most difficult when my physical pain is increased. Unfortunately, when my physical pain is at it’s worse, I am immobile to do anything to cause my life to end. I keep telling myself, I will do it the following day when my pain is not at its worse. Fortunately, in the morning, I no longer feel that pressing need to end my life so I live to see another day.
Right now I am at that point where the three Ps are pressing on my heart very eagerly. I can hardly breathe, the weight is so strong. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. That is why I am writing this stupid blog. I hope that my thoughts get heard and someone can relate to them. I am not in danger, let me make myself clear on that. As much as I wish to die at this very moment, I don’t have a clear plan in doing so. It is the frustrating part of being suicidal. You want to end your life but you do not have the means to do so. It is sad. All I can do is wait until the meds kick in to ease my physical pain and then I will sleep for a few hours until they wear off and I need another dose of meds again. Such is the cycle.

Memes and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

inspiration

My therapist friend sent me this meme today and it was what I really needed to help sort out my feelings for the day. It made me smile because he thinks of me in such a caring way. I hope you find it as uplifting as I did.

The temperature dropped severely and my back nearly went out on me. Because of this, I didn’t plan on going out. Then I found out today was National Guacamole Day and I needed a burrito, stat! I had planned on taking the 2 pm bus but I was able to finish my coffee in enough time to catch the one at 1 pm. Plus, my mother wasn’t home yet which possibly meant she was shopping and I didn’t want to be home to carry bags up the stairs. As it was fall like weather, I decided to wear jeans and was glad I did. After I had my burrito, I went to Starbucks for an iced tea. It was really cold there as they had the AC cranked. I had to put on my long sleeved T-shirt as I was cold. I felt like going outside to warm up.

I sat writing for an hour and a half. Today’s Daily Prompt word is Fragile. I kept thinking of something to write about it but I could only get one or two sentences going and that was it. I figure I would do better at home as the music at Starbucks was loud today and it was interfering with my music. Totally overloaded my brain trying to sort through the two different types of music playing. Once they started playing Spanish music, I decided to catch the bus home. I was out of there.

The bus was on time and the mentally disabled guy that I usually bump into on that bus ride wasn’t there today. He just makes me so damn nervous because his temper can go off at anything or he just wants a conversation where he just mumbles or asks you for money. I just find it unsettling.

On the walk home, I decided to go to Walgreens to get some Ben and Jerry’s chocolate brownie ice cream. They had every other flavor but that kind. I was tempted to get Haagan Daz Belgian chocolate as a substitute but I really wanted the Ben and Jerry’s kind. So I left the store, ice cream less.

Last night, much to my surprise, my therapist responded to a text I sent her about the pain I was in and how I was going to give up. She sent me a pic of her “hope drink” the snickers latte that I gave her the other day and a message of saying something like miracles do happen. I found it funny and responded back. I then watched the movie Liar Liar. I needed a comedy. Then I checked the Sox game and they were still losing by 3 runs. I took my meds and watched the final tweets as it was the bottom of the 9th inning and I didn’t think they would comeback but they were playing the Yanks so anything could happen. And they did! I was so fricken ecstatic! They won 7-5 with a walkoff homerun by Hanley Ramirez. It was the best comeback win of the season. That really made my night. Now we are in first place again.

Next week, I am going to try going to the MFA and see how I do. I am planning on going Tues afternoon after therapy. This is providing a whole slew of things going right for me, including my pain being in semi-control over the weekend and getting some decent sleep. I just hope that I don’t get lost in there again as I try and find my way out. That wouldn’t be good with my current mobility problems.

I kind of want to page my psychiatrist and let her know how I am doing. The last email I sent wasn’t terrific. I was really contemplating paging her last night when I was in dire straights. I kept on thinking to myself, what can I do differently because I had enough of just waiting for pain meds to kick in before I feel better. I was thinking of seeing a blasted CBT therapist for chronic pain but I have no idea if they exist in the Boston area. There is just one pain psychologist that I know of that works in the pain clinic at BWH. I don’t really have faith in him because according to his “assessments”, I am at risk for misusing my meds because I have a sexual trauma history. It’s a load of horseshit because if it was true, more than half of America would be hooked on drugs. Maybe I will email my psych and see if she knows someone that does CBT work in the area. There has to be someone in the greatest hospital that does some kind of CBT work.

As I was writing in Starbucks today, I realized it has been at least two weeks since I last read anything. I bought a copy of SE Hinton’s “That was then, This is now” book. I think I am going to read it over the weekend. It’s a short book and it will be fun as I enjoy her books. Eventually, I plan on getting the other two books that she has, Tex and Rumble Fish.