Tag: mental pain
Fucking Ankle
Fucking ankle
I left the house today so that I could give my AC a rest from working. I finished the Adler chapter and then decided to write for a bit before catching the next bus home. Before going to the bus stop, I stopped at the meat market to get hamburgers for dinner. Everything was fine until about three stores down from the meat market. My ankle seized up and I couldn’t move it and it hurt like hell. I pretty much dragged it to the bus stop and waited for the bus. I was in such agony. I don’t understand how this could have happened as I haven’t done anything in three fucking days. The meat market wasn’t that far out of my way. It was just maybe half block away from Starbucks.
I made it home, almost in tears. It took forever for me to get up the stairs. I immediately took my pain meds soon as I got in my room before undressing and changing into my PJs. The damn coffee I drank affected my bowels soon after I tried to settle in so I had to go back down the stairs to go to the bathroom. It was torture going back up to my room. I had to stop a few times because I just couldn’t bear any weight on my foot. This is the worst it has been in a while. I had woke up in pain but thought I could work my way through it. Next time I will just stay home.
My mother cooked the hamburgers and I found that my middle sister was over the house. She was making herself a grilled cheese. We were all talking and stuff while I was in pain. The burgers were good. It was the only thing I had to eat all day. Then my sister said that she wanted to move into my office. I got pissed off. The only way she is moving into MY OFFICE is over my dead body. She will be abandoning her two kids so she could live at home. Fuck that. I am not going to be around for that shitshow. And who the hell does she think she is thinking she can just move MY STUFF so she can have a place to sleep? The nerve.
The pain meds made me kind of nauseous but now I have a migraine. Guess the meds didn’t make me sick to my stomach more than my idiotic sister did. I have to get up and get some migraine pills but I can barely stand. FUCK. I texted my therapist and told her I give her my word that if my sister does clear off my office, I will kill myself. I have never been so damn serious in my life about this. Sure, in a few weeks it won’t really matter because I will kill myself anyways but until then I still have a chance of reconsidering. Not so with this bullshit. Just put a nail in my coffin why don’t ya.
Can I go to sleep now?
Can I go to sleep now?
Sox game just ended. I was pissed off because they lost to NY AFTER they had the lead. Ziegler sucks. This is the second game in a row they lost. So I was a bit steamed but I couldn’t go to sleep right away. So now I have writing on my mind and felt the need to blog about it.
I read the stone book. It talked about organizing ideas and after I finish my Adler chapter (which I didn’t read today), I will start with my book, reading the first chapter and seeing where I can organize it better. There is a part about cutting that I just threw in there and it’s graphic though not descriptive of cutting. I didn’t like it when I read it after I let it stew for a couple of months but my therapist said to keep it because she doesn’t like to throw things away. I can only imagine what her house must look like if she is a hoarder. So I kept this piece of shitty writing even though it has little to nothing to do with the rest of the piece. It only bothers me because I feel there should be a trigger warning on the chapter because of the cutting nature. And to avoid the warning, I feel I should just take out those shitty paragraphs.
After all the writing in this stone book, there are exercises. The last exercise I read was of cutting up sentences and sorting them differently. Sounded like something that the place I used to go to for writing used. Anyway, the writer said that if you cannot do this exercise, you might as well throw away your computer and go to another profession. I already think this writer is a quack so I am not holding him to what he says. I will just file it in the back of my memory banks and when I am working on my book, I will open these files up and see where it takes me.
I am VERY tired but I can’t sleep because I so want to open the file and do some work on my writing but I need to get up early in the morning for my pain management appointment. I need to leave the house by 0822. Yuck. It’s the first time I have had to get up early in a while.
My therapist is officially on vacation for the next two weeks. What is interesting is that a psychotherapist followed me on twitter about maybe three months ago. He is in his 70s and wants to share his work with like minded therapists because he feels it is important. I thought he was a cuck but there is some merit to what he is talking about. I haven’t engaged him on Twitter. I have no idea if he would be inclined to be in touch with the suicidology clinicians that I know on Twitter. Why he is following me, I have no fricken clue as I am far from being a therapist.
Okay thank you Blogworld. My brain is out of ideas on what else to write tonight so I will check back with you all tomorrow.
Baseball Blog
Baseball Blog
I know I talk more about my mental illness issues more than I do anything else on this blog but baseball holds something very special to me so I thought I would write something as two things, well three, happened today that has me happy, sad, and ecstatic.
The first is the Ichiro hit his 3000 career hit today. That is no small feat. I am happy for him though I am sad because he never won (least to my knowledge) a World Series ring. They are calling him the king of hits because he is in the 3000 club now that very few people have joined over their careers in baseball. I was looking at his spray chart and I was like, unreal. This guy could and did hit the ball anywhere. I have always respected him, even when he was on the bloody Yankees because the guy just demands respect.
The sadness is that the Sox lost and are now three games out of the playoffs. They could have won today but instead, in heartache, Taz gave up two homers that the Sox never recovered from. It didn’t help that they scored three errors and the overpaid starting pitcher was weary and couldn’t find the strike zone and when he did, the batter found a hit off him. He is and never will be my favorite pitcher. I think he is old news and we have him for the next three years paying him $30 million per year. I am disgusted.
The ecstatic news came this morning while I was sleeping. A-Roid (Alex Rodriquez) for those that don’t know the term, has announced his retirement. He cried, the baby. He has sucked all season because he isn’t on PEDs anymore. He is I think, 4 homeruns away from 700. But not that it matters because his steroid use tints his career stats. I never liked him before he became a long term Skankee. That was one of the most paid deals in baseball at the time. He will become an “advisor” to the Skanks, though I really don’t know what that means as he has lost all credibility with the club. I really have no idea who will “look up” to him now that his career is over. The team will be playing in Fenway on Tuesday so we’ll see if he will be playing. His retirement doesn’t start until Friday. I wish it started today!
midnightdemons7 
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