Tag: mood disorders

Another night of being up all night in pain and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I drank some wine before bed last night to try and relax a bit. All it did was give me heartburn. The meds were making me sleepy with the addition of alcohol, but the pain didn’t care. I wasn’t going to sleep. My damn foot and ankle kept me up till around 5 am, might have been after as I wrote an email around 5. Then about 3 hours later, my phone kept going off but I was too groggy to figure out why. It went off again around 10 and it was the med app alarm. I had to take my pain meds. I shut it off and promptly went back to sleep. I didn’t get up again until around 1400 to use the bathroom. I went back to bed for another hour or so. Then hunger took over. I got up, took my pain meds, and then made a graham cracker cereal. I knew my mother would be asking me what I wanted for dinner but as I made my way back up to my room, she was lying down, sleeping. Oh well.

I played on my phone and checked my messages. Zipcar responded to my request for name change by telling me what to do to do so. I just did it before writing this blog. I sent them a copy of my legal document and my license. That should be good enough. Monday I will go to the Sprint store to change my name. I think I will do it either before I head into Boston or after my therapist’s appt. I still need to go to the bank near me to change my name for my lousy retirement plan. There is less than $200 in it because I no longer work and have been bad about saving money to put into it. Then, I think I will be done with name changing things.

I’m going to try and watch the OSU game. I can’t believe it’s the last game of the season. There might be a game come New Year’s, based on this game but that is it. They had a good season, my Bucks. Beating Xichigan last week was awesome! I don’t know if I will be able to watch the whole game like I did last week. I am not hurting big time but I am tired. I also had to wash dishes after supper because my mother was hurting. She had made fried mushrooms and Rapi, it’s really bitter. It’s from the spinach family, I think. I don’t like either. I made an egg McMuffin. That seems to be my kick the last few days. Then I will move on to something else. I wanted to make bacon today but didn’t get up early enough to do so. Be nice to have bacon and egg Mcmuffin.

My psych just emailed me. I forgot I had emailed her some time during my sleepless night. She needed to change the appt time, which I had a feeling she would do. I don’t mind as I was dreading the back to back appts between seeing her and my therapist. Now I have a few hours to rest in between. Does suck though because that means I need to be up earlier. Hope the buses are on time.

another day of messing up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Another day of messing up

I woke up around 730 or so, I am not sure. I know I took my pain meds and then did my business in the bathroom. I think I recorded taking the pills in my Google drive excel sheet. I could have sworn I emailed the file to myself. Least I thought I did. I left the house around 0820 to go to Starbucks for breakfast. I had breakfast and then I went to work on the file. I had some difficulty connecting to Starbucks WiFi so I just used my hotspot. I check my email and there was no file attached. I checked my phone to see where it saved to and got nothing. I just figured I could work on the spreadsheet online. HUGE mistake. Either my computer was slow and couldn’t keep up or the internet connection was shit. Either way, whatever I did was saved, thus preventing me from undoing whatever I did. I lost ALL MY DATA FOR THE YEAR!!! I have no idea if there is a way to recover it or not. I was so annoyed I just fumed.

My cousin called me and told me my uncle was in the hospital. He didn’t tell me which one so I was like whatever. No one tells me anything anyway so I am not worried. I decided to go to my PCP’s office to get my scripts. As I was responding to some message, my sister called me telling me she was taking my mother to the doctors and that my uncle was at the place I was going to. After I picked up the scripts I went over to the building where my uncle was. A lot of walking. I stood the whole half hour or so while I visited. My ankle and back didn’t like that one bit. Around 1130, I left to go home and wished my uncle well and get better soon. He was thankful I visited.

I got home and wondered what time I had taken my pain meds. I figure around 1500 I would take them. I marked it in my med app to remind me of the next dose. I recorded it but didn’t take the meds. Then I got busy with my niece coming home from school and my mother coming home from the doctors. I had made a cup of coffee as my niece came home. I’ll probably be up all night but I think pain is going to be a major factor. My mother got settled and then I cooked dinner for my niece, my mother, and I. Nothing fancy just hot dogs and beans for my mother and I and mac and cheese for my niece. When we were finished and I was cleaning up, I didn’t feel right. I started feeling like I did the other day when I missed my pain meds. Uh oh. I went up to my room to take my meds but my damn bowels decided to act up. I had to run downstairs and I just made it to the bathroom. My ankle and foot didn’t like the run part at all. When I had finished, the liquid soap was out so I refilled it. That was the intention. I got the stupid soap every where because the hole in the bottle was small and caused an air bubble. I was ready to say fuck it when I figured out how to get it in. My back didn’t like standing while I emptied the small bottle of liquid soap and neither did my ankle. I was getting really dizzy and needed to get to my bed. Soon as went to my room, I took my meds. Now I got to fight off the withdrawal until they kick in.

Fare Thee Well

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fare thee well

My favorite country music artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter posted a video of this song with her dog Finn. He passed away today. Her dogs are her life as most dogs and cats are. I love this song and she always has an awesome song to go with whatever I am feeling. She is a very passionate person. I have seen her almost every time she comes to Boston. One time I traveled to another part of Massachusetts just to see her. It was an awesome concert and worth the visit. I feel bad for Mary losing her dog. She got a puppy a few months ago and I hope it gives her some comfort during her grief.

I slept for about 4 hours and when I woke up, I was hungry. It was 4 am so made a fried egg and cheese muffin sandwich. I took some Neurontin and then slept for about twelve hours. My mother called me like three times. I called her when I woke up. She said she was worried because she hadn’t seen me all day. I guess I got caught up for all the sleep I lost last week. I still feel groggy but I am okay.

My “baby” is giving me trouble. I thought a 32 GB hard drive would be big enough for all that I wanted to do. NOT. I need a bigger hard drive. I couldn’t install some software because there was no memory left. I tried to delete all the crap Dell installed but it wasn’t enough for the software. Oh well. I will have to wait. At least I have my software for DVDs so I can watch movies.

I tried looking for my M*A*S*H DVD set but it wasn’t where I thought it would be. I found some new journals and other stuff but not what I was looking for. It’s probably somewhere else. I had to move some shit when the phone company came to fix my modem. It’s probably in one of those piles. I got rid of some stuff. Unfortunately, I ended up causing an avalanche on my bookcase. The stuff that was on top all fell. I’ll fix it another time. I need to find my DVD case so I can take the DVDs that I have an store them there rather than my bookcase. I finally found my Titanic movie. Maybe I will watch that tomorrow. I do have to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my scripts. I’ll make that trip tomorrow.

I really need a shower as I think the last time I showered was Sunday. Maybe I will before bed. I’ll use my shower gel that I like. I do have to use lotion afterwards as my skin is really dry. It gets that way every time the cold weather hits. I hate it because my skin is so scaly and itchy. But that will depend on whether or not my foot is okay. It is feeling okay now but standing for 10-15 mins might flare it a little bit.

omg what a fucking day!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Omg what a fucking day!

Last night I finally figured out how to use Bixby, which is Samsung’s version of Siri. I set the alarm for 9 am. I wanted to make sure I took my blood pressure meds as I haven’t been so great in taking the morning dose. I woke up about a half hour before my alarm went off because of my bladder. I took my meds and then went to the bathroom.

I then tried to go back to sleep but my ankle said haha, nope. I missed the 945 bus so had to wait an hour for the next one. I needed my espresso fix. I also needed to mail my friend in Canada her birthday/Christmas gift. I hope she likes it. I can’t say what it is because she reads my blogs. I brought my baby with me to work on a story that has been cooking in my head the past few months. I became so overwhelmed when I started with just the title, I almost started bawling at Starbucks. I fought the tears back. Instead of writing the story, I wrote an outline of what I wanted to write instead. Then my friend called and we talked for about an hour. It was a good break. I went home and I was exhausted but I still needed to go to the brace clinic. I was supposed to get a ride from my cousin but he bailed on me.

I came hope and rested for a few minutes. My ankle was hurting so I figure I would wear sneakers rather than my AFO. I wanted them to see what my ankle was like when I was in a lot of pain. They evaluated me. I told the “history” of my ankle pain. And they didn’t have braces on site. Are you fucking kidding me?? I need to go back next week and bring every brace I was in for my ankle problem. Seriously! That is going to be fun bringing this stuff on the bus. After they did what they did, my ankle was really hurting me. I was an hour late with my pain meds but my sister called me so I called her back. I didn’t take my pain meds until I was on the bus. I started going through withdrawal. The dizzy spells came back really bad. I almost fell while going up the stairs. I waited on the couch until I felt better. I tried finding the boot I wore years ago in the cellar but had no idea where my brother in law put it. He brought it up for me.

I gave some time for the pain meds to work but I was still out of sorts. I had something to eat and it helped a little. Now I am hurting really bad and am waiting for my meds to work. I am so tired it’s not funny. I emailed my psychiatrist a rant. I have 3 days of appts, all in a row and I am not sure I will keep all 4 appts. I want to see my therapist but that is the most taxing one as I need to walk 0.3 miles to and from his office. I also see my psych before him. I have to keep the appt next week for the brace because otherwise it might be weeks till I can get back in. I also have PT. I will be in pain till Christmas, but that is okay. It’s not like I am disabled or anything. I am so fucking pissed. I felt like they just didn’t get it. They just want me to use the new brace during flares as they don’t want to limit my mobilization. But being immobile give me less pain. I am so annoyed!!

I have been fighting tears because I am so frustrated. But my meds are kicking in now so I need to lie down. Hope tomorrow isn’t a day filled with pain. Also hope when I lie down, my pain doesn’t increase more than it already is. Chronic pain sucks.