Tag: mood disorders

another blog about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another blog about Pain

I have been in serious pain the last few hours and it’s stressing me out. My cousin called me today. She said that she wasn’t able to get a ride for my father’s memorial mass on Sunday as she doesn’t drive on the highway. I told it was okay. Not many of my cousins were going. The talk helped to distract me from pain for a little while.

My foot and ankle can’t decide which is going to hurt more so both are causing me agony. I put some lidocaine on it because the pain was so severe. It knocked the pain down some but didn’t take it away completely. I had to take some more pain meds just now. I might take a strong pain pill in a few.

I don’t know if a cat got in the house or what, but the downstairs area smells of cat piss really bad. I hope it dissipates by morning. We have feral cats that hang around the house so not sure if a cat was marking its spot or what. The smell is giving me a headache.

My mother turned the heat on so my room is a sauna once again. I can’t really blame her because it was really cold today. I turned on the ceiling fan. It’s helping with the heat and the cat smell. I am so damn tired but my foot is just killing me. I was reading some old blogs from last summer and one of them was talking about my foot flaring after brushing my teeth. I got so upset, I wrote I was going to kill myself. I remember that day. I just had enough of pain and I snapped. With the good weather coming, I might end up going through with the plan I have been thinking about. I am not suicidal right now but I can go through with my plan at any time I feel like it. Pain is motivating me to end it.

I try not to think about it though. It’s tough not to when my level of pain is what it is right now. I had a little anxiety attack earlier so I took my night meds early. I didn’t want to have to take 2 mg of Ativan if I didn’t have to. I just become anxious because my body goes berserk with the level of pain. I fucking hate it. It drives me crazy.

My brother in law installed the new dishwasher so now our kitchen sink is useable again. I had to use the bathroom sink to wash my hair out after my haircut because I didn’t want to shower. It would have killed my ankle/foot. I am glad we have the sink back. Now my mother can fill it the new dishwasher to her heart’s content.

I read some of Huck Finn. The language was rough. Mark Twain was writing the way a Negro talked and it was hard to figure out what he was trying to say. Drives me crazy. I had the same problem with the Uncle Tom’s Cabin book. God I am hurting so damn bad. I know it’s most likely because I was standing most of the way home on the train because there were no seats for me to sit down and I feel funny asking people to give up their seats. I just waited till people got off the train. It’s the little things that flare it up. But then I can stand for the bus and it won’t bother me. Go figure that out.

Well, I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I can sleep through the night. I really don’t want to sleep and then wake up in the middle of the night due to pain. That will suck. Tomorrow is my youngest niece’s birthday. She will be 12. I haven’t decided if I am going to go to the party or not. Depends on how I feel. Lately I just want to stay in my room and sleep. I am looking forward to seeing my friends on Sunday. I think it will be fun.

cold and rainy and tiring day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold and rainy and tiring day

I woke up at 0600 to use the bathroom. I was contemplating going back to sleep or not. But my exhaustion took over. Just in case, I set my alarm for 0945 so that I wouldn’t oversleep. I need to catch the 1050 bus to do the things I needed to do today. I woke up with my phone going off and a lot of fricken messages. I had to take my blood pressure pill and there were a lot of T messages saying there were delays, mostly for the buses I take but not the one I needed to be on at 1050, thank goodness. I went downstairs to brush my teeth and wash up a little bit. I really just wanted to crawl back in my bed but I had to see my psych.

I caught the bus. It was drizzling out and fricken cold. I was glad I wore my heavy sweatshirt and jacket. I went to the post office to mail my friend the stuff that got lost in the mail last week. I had bought myself the same things so I just mailed her my supply, which I will reorder next week. I am still pissed the post office sent her a ripped envelope. But it’s my fault for not sending the stuff in a box. I got the box today. It was a little big for the contents but they wouldn’t get lost. It’s insured so if they do lose it, I can get my money back. I then went to Starbucks.

I ordered my drink and when I went to get a seat, Carrie Underwood’s song “something in the water” came on the radio. I love that song. Once it was over and I had my drink and my breakfast sandwich, I played it on my MP3 player. I was listening to my country songs and not really thinking about things, when all of a sudden I did. I thought of my ex-therapist and my father and that combination just saddened me to no end. I thought I was going to cry I hurt so bad. It really sucked and my mood just faltered. I really just wanted to go home and skip my psychiatrist’s appointment but I had already made it this far. I didn’t do any writing, just played on my phone. I didn’t even read Twitter as I was just so upset.

It had sort of stopped raining when I left for the train station. I got there in plenty of time. My psych was late, as usual. We talked about my new therapist and how he was. She wrote down his name. I didn’t tell her about my nephew’s problems. I told her I was nearly crushed by the grief I felt about my former therapist and my father hitting me today. I also told her I have no motivation and need to “force” myself to do things. It just wears me out and I need a nap for a couple of hours every day. We talked about what we were going to do about my father’s anniversary. I still can’t believe he has been gone a year. Seems like only yesterday.

After my appointment, I went to the Square and got my haircut. The barber and I talked the whole time he cut my hair about a whole range of shit. I really love him. I got an awesome cut. He does a real good job so I don’t mind him talking my ear off. I caught the next bus home and as I walked in the door, my cousin called me. I was taking off my AFO and nearly fell. I stepped on the damn thing to keep from falling over, which hurt my foot. I must have taken the damn thing off a million times and this is the first time I trip over it. I just can’t be doing something else when it comes to my feet. Other than my foot being sore, I was okay and I don’t think I damaged the AFO. I am wicked exhausted. I just want my leftover Chinese food for supper and call it a night. I know I am probably going to pay for it tomorrow or tonight but I got nothing that needs doing until Sunday.

pain blog and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain blog and other things

I tried to lie down to sleep and my foot promptly exploded in pain. I had to sit up and take some pain meds. I am very tired. I somehow managed to take a shower. It was really difficult because I really didn’t want to but my head was gross from not taking one all week. I hate it when my head is greasy looking. I am glad I took one because that means I can sleep a little later tomorrow. I need to leave the house by 1100 to catch the bus to the Square. My appt with my psych is at 1300 so that leaves me a couple hours to have my espresso and write in my journal for a little bit. If I get up earlier, I will try and get a haircut.

One of my good friends sent me a picture of a mother giraffe kissing its baby. The photo is captioned April and the baby but I have seen the picture before so I know it’s not recent. I love the picture though.

I really would like to get some sleep but pain is keeping me up. I have to wait at least an hour for the strong pain pill to work. I fucking hate waiting! I want it to work now! I might put on the lidocaine gel but the pain is in my bones so I am not sure it will be effective. It’s so frustrating to be in different types of pain every single night. I wish I had a one treatment fits all but I don’t. It is so annoying to take this pill for this pain and that pill for that pain. The hardest part is that I don’t know if it is really going to work. I just take it and cross my fingers.

I emailed a friend of mine that I haven’t heard from in a while. We exchanged Easter greetings but that was it. So I started with my story about my pain and stuff and I hope she tells me about what is going on in her life. I miss our conversations.

Next week when I get paid, I am thinking of spending $100 on scratch tickets and see if I win anything. I haven’t done anything like this before but I want to do something wild. I have a favorite scratch ticket but I don’t know if they sell it anymore as I haven’t seen it in a while. I will have to check it out. I even forgot the name of it because I haven’t bought it in so long. If they don’t have the ticket I am looking for, I won’t buy it.

Meds are finally kicking in so I hope I sleep through the night. I really don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night again. I hope it doesn’t happen.

blah day with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blah day with pain

I am having a difficult day. It’s hard to be moving. I woke up around noon. Ordered Chinese food and mostly ate the appetizers than my entrée. I will have some later, if I feel like it. I needed to go to Walgreens for my meds. I forced myself to go and regretted it when I came home. My ankle is really hurting me. I hope it’s better by tomorrow because I need to see my psych.

I need to change my sheets this weekend. The foam topper is sliding off my bed and I need to adjust it. I don’t know why this happened and hope it’s not a frequent occurrence. I don’t plan on doing anything today. Sox are playing early so there will be no game tonight. There is no score right now.

While I was out, I contemplated going to the Square to get some Starbucks. But I missed the bus and I would have had to wait a half hour for the next one. I didn’t feel like waiting. I also bumped into my uncle who read some of my book. He asked me when my third book was coming out. Ha, funny man. I am taking a break from book writing, least for now. I need to promote my second book a little bit. I have only two sales, so far and about 12 on the side that I either gave away or sold as autograph copies. I need a sales pitch and that is not my thing.

It’s 56 degrees out but it’s chilly with the wind. The house is cold but it’s always cold. My ankle is not liking it. Tomorrow is supposed to rain. I am not sure if I will be working on my blog project. Depends on my mood. I was really hoping to have it done this week but I’m dragging my tail. I seem to work best on Monday and then the rest of the week slides out of my control. I got a lot done. I just need to work a little more and it will be finished. Maybe this coming Monday I will work on it before I see my therapist.

I was going to shower today but I feel blah. I honestly don’t feel like doing anything. My ankle and foot are competing. I didn’t get the lidocaine that my PCP prescribed me because it’s oil based and would have stained my sheets. I will stick with the OTC stuff. It dries and doesn’t leave a residue. I have no motivation to do anything. My mother just called asking me what I want for supper and I don’t even know. The Chinese food I had is making me feel bloated so I don’t want anything. I should have gone to the basement to pick up some frozen dinners while I was out. Guess I will get them tomorrow.

Sunday is going to be a long day. I have to go to the 0800 mass for my father. I hope I can come home and nap before going out again. I told some friends I would meet them to feed some ducks and then go out to eat. I haven’t seen them since January and miss them. We might just go out to eat because there is rain in the forecast. It’s all dependent on the weather at this point. I hope my mood improves by then. I know I feel blah because my pain levels have been all over the place, making me miserable and tired all the time.

Sox won in the 10th inning 4-1. Sale didn’t earn his win despite playing really good. Kimbrel messed it up for him. I got some new Bluetooth headphones that were a deal on Amazon. I like the ones I have but I can’t use the remote function on them. I hope the new ones I can. It’d be nice to control the volume and skip songs rather than having to do so on the phone.

I need to get a haircut before Sunday. I hope I can shower tomorrow and then get the haircut after my psych appointment or before. Depends on my timing. I haven’t decided yet if I am going to get the same cut on top or if I want it short and spikey. I like having my hair long on top but it’s a pain to manage when I am not wearing a hat. I am trying to stay awake and not take a nap but it’s so damn hard. I am just so sleepy.