Tag: nerve damage

doing whatever it takes to drown out the noise

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Doing whatever it takes to drown out the noise

My foot/ankle flared up about an hour and a half ago. I can’t sleep. I just am in pain for the second night in a row and I don’t like it. I’m not suicidal or even thinking about suicide but I don’t want to be here right now. If I could snap my fingers to die, I would do it.

I am listening to Luke Combs, “One Number Away”. I love this song. I found an acoustic version of it on YouTube and OMG it is so awesome. I need to see this guy in concert. He is phenomenal. I am listening to this song on repeat because it’s going through my head.

I opened my former therapist’s statement. I am no longer being charged $525/month. But the final balance is over $16K. No way I owe that much and I am not paying her anything until the balance is more reasonable. I was able to sort out the problem with my credit card not issuing me a new card in my new name. I should have it in a few days.

I wish I had some crown. I miss having some whiskey. I may get it my next pay period. I do have honey whiskey but it goes down so smooth that I could finish the bottle without intending to, and that would be a bad thing, especially because I am on pain meds. But a shot or two shouldn’t do anything for me. I just have to be careful to spread out the pain meds or not take them.

I started a new book when I came home. It’s by Neil Gaiman called Coraline. I was going to read his book, The Ocean at the end of the Lane but Coraline seemed to be a better choice. I like books that are young adult as they are easier for me to read. I still have SE Hinton’s Tex to read. I might read that after Coraline. I have 8 books to go for my challenge. I hope I can do it. Last year I had to finagle the bagel to get my books read. I read 23 books last year. I changed my challenge to 25 to see if I could beat that record.

I am so tired but my foot is killing me. Think I will take an Ativan and see if I can get some sleep. I didn’t have any by my bedside so I had to get up to get some more. My ankle did not like that. OMG, I am in MORE pain than I was. I could fricken cry. Hate this fucking shit!!

home and sleepy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Home and sleepy

I got discharged from the hospital today. My sister called me an Uber for a ride home. It was fine. I wasn’t in much pain. I checked my mail before heading up to my room to change. One of my credit cards had changed my name but didn’t issue me a new card. I thought that was weird. I got to call them to find out why. I received my medical records from my PCP’s office so Monday I will be calling the LGBT health center for an appt. Nothing else was of importance. So I headed up to my room. I changed then went back downstairs to put the new screen in my newer laptop. Sadly, I think the connection is bad. The screen lit up but that is all it did. I’ll have to take it to a computer place. I was bummed.

I went back to my room to open some PDFs on gender change forms and the renewal for my license. I tried to change my name on the form but it’s preprinted on there and I can’t change it. I will just bring it with me when I go. I have to have the gender form signed by my doc. I was hoping to copy and paste a letter so it would be easier for my doc to write but I wanted to do that on my other laptop. Now I will have to do it on this old one. I hope I don’t have to buy a new laptop. That will really suck. I wanted to print off the forms but I have no energy for it. I will do it tomorrow.

After surfing the web for a while, I got tired so laid down until my mother called me down for supper. I mashed the potatoes for my mother and then got the dishes ready while she rested as her back was hurting. After we ate, I put the stuff away. My foot started to act up. I still feel pretty tired. I am sure I will sleep good tonight in my own bed, without staff opening and closing my door every 15 minutes.

I am dying to make an egg burrito tomorrow morning. I really didn’t have eggs while I was in the hospital because they were watery. I like making my own eggs. I might have to buy new half and half because it’s a week old and possibly throw away the almond milk, too. Last time I used it after an admission it wasn’t good. Least I don’t have to worry about the ice cream going bad.

Tiring day on the unit

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up a few time during the night but I slept a solid 3 hours from 6 to around 940 am. I missed breakfast but it wasn’t anything good. I Had cereal. I met with my team and we discussed discharge. The attending is going to talk to my psych to see if it will be ok. I think it will be either Thurs or Fri if she okays it.

My pain was low this morning so I chanced to shower and it wiped me out. I tried staying awake after lunch but it was impossible. After the shower, I also got anxious so I took an Ativan and then inadvertently slept all afternoon. There wasn’t any groups I wanted to attend so it was probably best I slept.

It was very cold today so I had staff shut the window near my bed but kept the other window open. The rest of the unit is fricken hot so I am glad I didn’t shut it.

I got an email from my patient information thing. It said I had new test results. I haven’t had any blood work so I was curious to see what it was. Apparently the system just posted labs from the ED. You will be happy to learn (as well I) that I am not pregnant. I got to get my gender changed. 

I got an email from a researcher saying she wanted to use some excerpts of my blog for her dissertation. I responded but didn’t realize it was the “do not reply WordPress” address. I had to copy and paste a new email. I am such a dork. I am excited about this. I did ask what blogs she would be using so I can get an idea what she is working on.

The baseball world is sad today. One of the greatest pitchers for the Blue Jays died in a plane crash. He was 40. He was retired. I feel for him, his family, and his teammates.

Another frustrating day on the psych unit 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, disability, mood disorders

The crummy SW came back. We met for less than 15 mins. No plan on helping me, just go with the flow. Met with psychiatrist who spoke about the anxiety suicidal ideation brings to clinicians. He wants a way to basically stop me from going there but acknowledged that it was basically my go to escape plan. No other plans for getting me out sooner were discussed. I am frustrated. I don’t want to be here but I need a safety net before I can fucking go. Told him I needed to work with my therapist on that, which I cannot do while I am here. I don’t think he got it. No plans for discharge were talked about. Bastard.

Contact person got me a shower chair. I just took some pain meds so in about an hour, I’ll take off my boot, see how my ankle and foot are, then try to shower. Hate that all these steps need to be in place for this activity but that is what it is like living with chronic pain.

I am getting really annoyed every single time I need a pain med the nurse asks me what my pain is. Then asks what will this bring it down to. Um, I don’t know? It could help, stay the same. Get worse because I move it, the pain could change to something else? Fuck. There is so much stigma around the damn pain and pain meds yet if I ask for an Ativan, they don’t ask me what level of anxiety or agitation I’m feeling. What the fuck is the difference? Just shut up and give me my meds!

As you can probably tell, I am very disgruntled, to say the least. I am a bit aggravated and annoyed. I only went to the group therapy group today. It was the only appealing group. I have read some more Harry potter this morning but now I am too discouraged to go back to it. It is the only book I brought with me so I am trying to stretch it out as I don’t know how long I’ll be here. 

I have no idea with the SW asked if I was dating. She always asks weird questions when every admission. Dumbfuck. Like dating would help me when I want to end my pain. Pfffttt. Last time I was here we spent a good amount of time going over my transition, which was not the reason for my admission. So annoying because when it was the reason I went into the hospital, they didn’t want to talk about it at all.

I’ve been having the same contact person nearly every day, which is good because then there is some continuity. I don’t have to go over my story every shift. I might take a nap before I take a shower just to see how my foot/ankle responds to no boot. If it doesn’t explode, that will be good. I could use a low pain day today. It is raining out and the week is going to be cold. But least no snow is in the forecast.