Tag: nerve pain

Foggy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Both my games won today. Sox and Patriots won. I am glad. I am, however, sad that one of the announcers at NESN had his last game at Fenway. The stupid network fired him without just cause. He will finish out the remainder of the season and then be gone. I heard that San Diego is looking at him. I don’t want him to go because he made watching baseball fun. Now I am stuck listening to the radio for next season. Maybe I will watch the new guy but I really want to boycott the station in protest. I could be a real ass and just cancel the network, but that wouldn’t be fair as we would have just basic channels and my mother would probably kill me. She wouldn’t have her Hallmark channel or the other ones that she likes to watch anymore. What was really shitty was that the Red Sox had a tribute to the guy and the network didn’t air it. What assholes.

I was in a fog most of the day and then I watched my games. I totally forgot to call Walgreens to find out about my prescription. But I put in the order for it to be “refilled” so maybe things will be working okay by tomorrow. I am really surprised they didn’t call me and tell me there was a problem. If there is a problem, I am still going to tweet Walgreens and complain. There should be no good reason why they can’t fill my prescription as I have had it before. It’s not new. I am not allergic to it. There are no interactions (that I know of) with my other medications. I just find this so frustrating. Least call like they said they would. That is the other thing that pissed me off. Why bother telling someone they are going to call you and then don’t do it? I should just complain about that. Take that for being a dumbass. Or at least call and tell me the problem is a computer thing and won’t be fixed until such and such a date. I am so annoyed. If I didn’t need the medicine, I wouldn’t care. They could take their blessed time but I am close to running out and I hate not having my meds. It just creates anxiety for me.

I didn’t make coffee today. By the time I thought about it, it was too late in the afternoon. I made breakfast and then decided to make coffee after my nap but I overslept and then the games were on. I really need to shower tonight. I was going to this morning but I was just so sleepy. I didn’t go to bed till around 0300 and then I woke up around 0600 and been playing sleep catch up ever since. I took some Neurontin last night to help with the bloody pain and that was why I was so hung over today. Lack of sleep and Neurontin doesn’t mix well. It took me so long to make pancakes this morning. I kept having to go over the ingredients over and over to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Then after I mixed it, I had to lie down. I just let the mixture sit for about a half hour. I guess it was a good thing because the pancakes were nice and fluffy which they never were before. So now I have a secret way of making the pancakes fluffy.

My pain levels are minimal today. I think the Neurontin helped to shut things down. I will have to remember to keep this in mind when I have my next flare up next month around this time. It seems I have been having flare ups the same time every month. It can go on for weeks. Like I explained in my last blog, it’s sometimes difficult to ascertain whether I am experiencing nerve pain or physical pain. Usually my pain meds takes care of my pain and then I am fine. But when it doesn’t work, I have to find an alternative. I am glad I have the Neurontin as it can help tremendously. Only thing that sucks is the hangover part and the fog. I have to sleep off the medication otherwise, I am sleepy all day. And then I have to deal with incessant hunger cravings. Today wasn’t so bad. I had three meals today plus a snack so I think I am good. I had a big piece of steak for dinner so I am hoping I won’t have any other food cravings for the rest of the night.

I still don’t know what causes the flare ups. This time it seemed to have been caused by zaps. Zaps are electric shock type of pain that runs through my foot. I usually just get it on my big toe in my bad foot, but lately, the zaps have been all over my foot. I think it’s because I am still numb and the nerves are trying to fire to make connections again that I feel this type of pain. But they usually don’t last too long. This round, they lasted at least six hours. I was very sore the next day. I thought it was over but the soreness never left and neither did the pain left behind. I am just glad the pain is gone now because I don’t think I can stand another night of being in pain. I hope it doesn’t return tonight because it just makes me really depressed.

I don’t get nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t get nerve pain

Truly I don’t. My room got freezing cold because I had the a/c cranked because it’s hot outside. My foot gets freezing ice cold, even under the blankets and a pillow so I put a sock on it. Now it is warmed up and hurts like holy hell. I am so sick of this shit. I know I put off my suicidal plan but it is back on again. I am not going to live with this shit. No fucking way. I didn’t do anything to my foot though it feels like someone is stomping on it. I have it up on a pillow and it still hurts. I just don’t get nerve pain. I was doing good all day. I thought today might be a day that I won’t have to take my pain medication but NOOOOOOO. My foot had other plans.

But such is my life with CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). Thing is other than my foot getting really cold and then really hot, I don’t have any other symptoms other than pain. My foot doesn’t change color. It doesn’t swell up like it used to. I just have this exploding pain that comes for no reason. While I am at REST, when I want to go to SLEEP. And the pain isn’t the same. Sometimes it is exploding. Sometimes it is like it is in a vise. Other times it feels like some one is taking a hammer to each individual bone and trying to crush it. It is agonizing. Other times, if it’s not the bones in my foot, it is my ankle bone, the lateral malleolus. This is right where my peroneous tendons are. I have chronic tendonitis of these tendons. And they hurt big time. And when this pain starts it is like someone is driving an ice pick right through my ankle bone. It starts off the same way as my bones in my foot. They get really cold even though to the touch they are warm. Then it gets warm and it hurts like fucking hell. All I know is that I can’t sleep when I am in pain despite taking the meds because then my anxiety creeps in and it’s all over.

See, when my Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) started, way back when, it started in my left leg/ankle. So now I have a bad association with pain in my ankle flaring up and me thinking I am going to get CES again, which is worse than the pain in my foot! I could lose total function of my bowels and bladder, my back could go out, I could lose motor function of my legs and end up in a wheel chair. It’s not pretty. But it is what I fear because I have a disc in my back that can make this happen at any time. I have been living with this fear for the past few years and it especially troubles me that the disc touches the nerve roots that control all these things but the docs won’t do any type of surgery because there is no compression. So I live in fear instead. My anxiety goes up and it takes an Ativan to get me to calm the hell down and music to put me to sleep (sometimes). I usually have my anxiety in check but when I am in serious pain, like now, it takes forever to calm down from it. I have to constantly move my toes or realize they are there and not numb to make me feel better. But sometimes during these flare ups, I can’t move my toes and that just sends the anxiety up to panic mode. But as long as I can move my hip, leg and ankle, I know that I am ok. But living with this anxiety is no fun. It drains you like no tomorrow.

Meds are kicking in so I will stop here for now. For those that read this, know that you are not alone with your symptoms.

nerve pain is a bitch

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

I should be sleeping but instead my left foot is driving me up the fucking wall with it’s constant buzzing. My toes are even vibrating though if you touch them they will feel normal. I am very tired and all I want to do is sleep but this annoying foot keeps me awake. If I could chop it off I would.. now I am getting bone pain. My toes are cringing though they have nothing to cringe at except my wrath.
It hasn’t been this way for a couple of weeks. I actually had some reprieve for almost three weeks when I got a cold and was drinking cold medicine like it was going out of style. But now the pain has returned and I do not like it. There is nothing I can do about it till I pass out which might take a while. Right now it’s 02:45 in the morning. I tell time by military as I think it’s cool and more precise.
I got my book that I lost and had to reorder today. I forgot how dry the material is and down. I read up to chapter 1 because I didn’t want to overload myself with suicidal thoughts right now. I should probably take some pain medicine but I want to see if it will go away on its own first. That is part of my problem. I wait until I am in unbearable pain before I take my meds. What usually would be a 6 or 7 for someone would be a 10+ for me. I have a high pain tolerance. It really needs to be a 10+ in order for me to take medication. Otherwise I think I am wasting it. I know that is probably not right to do, to wait till the pain gets really bad, but like I said, sometimes it is just a passing phase and other times it is with me for days. I hate this type of pain. The pain meds just usually knock me out so I can get some sleep and calm down some of the pain. It can take days before I am pain free agin. I just wish My middle toe would stop doing what its doing. It’s like wiggling saying “hi I’m here” like some little kid that wants to play. Well I don’t want to play, I want to sleep damn it!! It also feels like someone with a vise is clamping down on the toe, making sure it doesn’t go anywhere. I hate this type of nerve pain. And it’s the result of Cauda Equina Syndrome. My bundle of nerve got crushed and now I am left with nerve pain that decides to come and play every night. It can’t come out during the day like normal pain, NOOOOOO, why would it do that? Then we might have simpler lives. We might be able to work and play with our kids. This damage costs us everything and there is nothing anyone can do to make it better once it happens. It’s all a joke until we kill ourselves from the pain. Everyone one of us has at one point or other thought about killing ourselves because the pain gets too much or we just can’t see ourselves living this hell anymore. Doctors are useless. They just like to spin us on merry-go-rounds having us go from this doctor to that doctor and so on. It took 9 doctors and two physical therapist to figure out that I was not walking correctly because all my scans and tests came back normal, they thought I was a head case or something. I was in pain 24/7 and nothing was helping me sleep except a little pain medication. It took months between this appt and that appt to figure it all out. Then I got out of work because I couldn’t walk around the lab anymore. My department of 14 yrs says sorry your restrictions are too strict and out the door I went on forced medical leave. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to kill myself right then and there if I had a chance. At 36 yrs old I was declared disabled after fighting this condition for eleven years. It was fun being out of work for a while. But then it got lonesome. I missed my coworkers. I missed going out. I became a hermit. I had nothing to do 24/7. I played my games and that was about all. But the pain didn’t stop, even with me resting it. If I went out and stood too long or walked too far, I paid the price. Like I am doing now. I must have walked too long though I hardly left my house at all except to go to my sister’s house around the corner. Now my foot is on fire and there is no extinguisher to put it out. Simple things I just can’t do anymore. I don’t shower because it hurts to stand too long. I don’t brush my teeth for the same reason. People take these things for granted. I can only take a 10 minute shower and in those ten minutes I wash and then if I remember I brush my teeth. I dry off quickly and hope I don’t fall while I put on my clothes because sometimes my balance is off.
I still can’t believe the difference between my left and right foot. It’s so weird. I have full feeling on my right but diminished feeling on my left. Sometimes but not often I have burning on my right foot. It’s the left over nerve damage from my initial injury 12 years ago. My anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. Maybe that is why I am thinking about it now. These memories don’t fade away like normal ones. My therapist calls it a trauma. I guess when you have emergency surgery, it is a trauma.

weather and nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, mood disorders, suicide

4 feb 2011

 

This week in Boston we got hit with heavy snow. Actually, we have gotten more snow in January than I can remember in my lifetime. So Saturday night after my shift at work, my left leg was really aching and sore. I was the person that was moving samples to be spun, taken over to heme, aliquoting, and running the electronic version of myself, the MPA. I thought it was sore and achy because of all the running around during the 8 hours plus I did a few more hours before my shift as I had to pull some specimens for a study that was to be shipped out on Monday.  However the pain stayed with me the next few days and when the snow started which was Tuesday, I was in really bad pain as I could hardly bear weight on my left leg. Ten years ago this week I was first diagnosed with CES and had similar pain and problem so I was freaking out big time. Wednesday I paged my pdoc because I was in major PTSD mode and my therapist was unavailable due to being snowed in.  She said go to the ER but by the time she returned my call, my leg was feeling a little better and when the snow stopped Wednesday evening, so did my pain.  I was shocked because usually my back goes out. I have never had leg pain due to the weather. It was the weirdest thing.

I told my neurologist about this and we increased my neurontin to help with the nerve pain. I love this drug more than any other drug out there. It’s not a narcotic and doesn’t have any “high” properties but it kind of just zones you out at high doses and leaves you feeling great the next day because you sleep so soundly. Least it does for me. Now I am NOT recommending anyone should take a high dose of this drug for this purpose. But my nerve pain seems to diminish for at least 24-48 hrs at a time, usually with one or two doses in a 24 hr period.  And that in and of itself is blissful.  No burning of the soles of the feet, no feeling like snapping turtle are nipping at your toes. No zapping feeling.

The only down side of this drug is that it makes you hungover. It’s so hard to wake up the next day and get moving. But even though I know this, I still feel something is wrong with me.  My fatigue level has increased in the last few weeks. I can only be up a few hours before I need a nap. I lose motivation for working and then need to come home and rest. I am just so exhausted.  Take yesterday for example. I got up around 11:30 am because I had an appt with my psychiatrist. She had cancelled because the weather was bad but I didn’t know this as she emailed me at 6:30 in the morning.  My car was buried in the snow and there was no way I was shoveling out so I hung out with my niece for a couple of hours watching her and her mother play on the Wii (video game) and had lunch with them. By 2 pm, I could have gone back to sleep I was completely exhausted. But I had to go to work because I thought there was a sample waiting for me.  I struggled past this exhaustion, get to work and find that the pt that was supposed to get drawn got discharged. I came to work for nothing. I was not happy! I might go to the doc next week to find out why I am so damn tired all the time.