Tag: physical pain

intense pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Intense pain

I got up from bed after I shut the AC off to place my overflowing recycle bin in a trash bag. As I climbed back to bed, my ankle seized up like the Dickens. I saw stars. It was intense pain and I am still feeling it. I just want to die and I am doing all I can to not get up and take the bottle of pills to end my life.

I waited about fifteen minutes for it to quiet down. It didn’t so I took yet another strong pain pill. I am losing track of the consecutive days I am having to take this medication. I belong to a CRPS group on Facebook. They talk about Kratom, ketamine infusions, and the like. I have posted a few times but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares.

I keep telling myself one more week or two and then I will end it. I don’t know if I will. I want to end it right now but I can’t walk over to my bureau to get the meds needed to do the job. It will hurt too much. I could say fuck it and hobble over there anyways, but I really don’t want my family to find me in the morning. It’s better to go to my spot.

I’m tempted to call my psychiatrist and just cry over the phone with her. The pain is getting worse. The flares are nearly every day, sometimes with some movement and other times with no movement. I can’t go on like this, I just can’t. Pain is just killing me. I have tolerated as much as I can. I can’t even say what number on scale it is anymore because I am always in pain. My normal is now a 5 when it used to be a 3. I just want to cut off the limb. I have a crazy idea on how to do it, too.

I guess I am not sleeping tonight. I am so tired and my meds are making me sleepy but the pain is keeping me up. Pretty soon I will be over tired and then god knows when I will sleep. I will hit the hyperdrive button and all hell will break loose. Time will go by and before I know it, it will be 0300.

I took my dose of Neurontin later than I usually do. I am starting to need it every night like the strong pain pill. I will be 300 pounds by the end of the year if this keeps up. Neurontin is just a weight gainer and you don’t even have to eat more to gain weight. I know in the morning the pain will be less. It always will be. But I want it to be gone NOW. I am tired of existing. I have no purpose. Just a will to die and I will act on it soon enough. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but one day soon.

Random 538

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 538

My pain levels were back to “normal” this morning when I woke up so I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I would be seeing her. It was too early to get ready so I went back to sleep, which was a mistake as when I woke up a couple hours later, I didn’t want to leave my bed. It took all I had to get up, wash up, brush my teeth, and fix my hair. It was really hot out so I didn’t want to wear a hat.

I looked for my keys yet again and still cannot find them. They have been missing for a week. I have been using a spare key that I have in my wallet to get into my house. I am glad we only use one door.

I went to Starbucks after I got my things together. The bus was on time and I was grateful as the sun was beating down at the bus stop. Then at one of the stops two ladies with huge strollers came on. They piss me off because they make passengers leave their seats so the strollers can be accommodated. This is not the first time they have done this. The bus driver doesn’t say anything to them and I just sit their while they talk loudly in their language, ignoring their children as they try to get their mother’s attention. I hate parents that do that!

I got off the bus before they did and went to Starbucks. I got a sandwich and my espresso. By the time I was done, there wasn’t much time for writing. I wrote for a few minutes and then left for my psych appointment. My psych was late, which is typical for her. I told her about the flare up I had last night was caused by taking a shower. She then told me about a neurologist that specializes in CRPS (Complex Region Pain Syndrome). She just found out about her yesterday. I called when I got home but had to leave a message because no one picked up. I also told her about how suicidal I have been and how tired I am of being in pain. She understands and doesn’t want me to kill myself, though I had a feeling if I did, she would understand. She wants me to join the pain group that she told me about months ago. I said I would call the coordinator. I really don’t want to go to this group. I have to think about it some more.

I didn’t tell my psych about my plans. I want to give this neurologist a try though I am doubtful that she will be helpful. I told her I would be in touch and I see her in two weeks.

I went back to the Square to go home but stopped at the butcher’s shop for burgers and rolls. I have been craving a burger. I think it’s because of the hot weather. But I love burgers, too. I made the bus home and then on a whim, I checked Walgreens to see if someone had turned in a set of keys. There was a set but it wasn’t mine. I am convinced my house ate them. I know I had them because I wouldn’t have been able to get into the house last Friday. Just bugs me!

My ankles started acting up on the walk home from Walgreens, my left more than my right. I still need to make my burger but I wanted to write my blog first. I want to cool off in the AC, too. I am hoping I don’t need a strong pain pill tonight. I haven’t moved my bowels all week, since Monday or Tuesday. I’m going to have to take some fiber pills to get things going. I’m not going out this weekend so I can be home for crapping. Fun times ahead!

in a very depressed mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a very depressed mood

Pain has been with me for most of the day. I tried to nap and then my ankle was like “no, you can’t.” I got tired from my night meds and tried to sleep and the same thing happened. I just took some Neurontin, hoping it knocks out some of the nerve pain that I am feeling. My teeth hurt, the whole top so I am not sure if I should see a dentist or a doctor. It could be sinuses as I have been stuffy the past few weeks due to allergies. I am so frustrated that I am having yet another pain in my body.

As I was lying there pondering if I should just lay in bed or take yet more medication, I started to think about ending my life in a couple of weeks. I have the plan. I have the meds. I just need a solid date to play it all out. I want out of this world. I don’t see the good in it and I don’t feel so great about it.

I was going through my blogs. I do this from time to time. I came across one that was very depressing as I was talking about my transgender issues and how people see me. It’s bothering me more and more. I don’t have the energy to correct people anymore. I just let it go.

Apparently sitting up decreases my pain but I can’t sleep sitting up so I am fucking screwed. I hate being in pain. It’s driving the suicidal buttons to a new level. I emailed my neurologist about a TENS unit to see if that would help. She wrote back this morning and said it could help. There is a 50% chance. I don’t like those odds, especially as the device is expensive. I’ll put it on my back burner though and see how it goes.

I just can’t get out of this pain cycle that I am in. Today is really hot. I am glad I have the AC cranking. I had to put a long sleeved shirt on because I got kind of cold. I am wearing a tank top. I just had my lunch and my mother will be making spaghetti soon. I am getting hungry, even though I just ate. I didn’t eat anything all day as I woke up late. I really want a damn burger so tomorrow after my psych appointment I am going to get some.

I am feeling really depressed, like I can’t cope anymore. Everything is either pissing me off or depressing me. I know it’s the pain. Always the pain. I just can’t get away from it. It’s will me all the time, in one form or another. I was thinking of increasing the Zoloft but why bother. I just had an increase a few months ago. It helped for a while and now I am back to being depressed. Seems I always need a higher dose and then I am maxed out. The meds stop working for me. I should just end my life and be done with it.

I heard another musician died by suicide. I don’t know him as I never heard the group Soundgarden. One of my friends went off about suicide not being the answer, ever. If she only knew of the pain that I deal with on a daily basis. This is worse than a cancer patient’s pain. Least they will have an end. I don’t have an end unless I make one.

My mother jibed at me again today, because I was wearing a long sleeved shirt. It’s 90 degrees or more in the house and she asked if I was cold in her condescending tone. I just walked away. I don’t even think I answered her. I was tired of taking it off when going downstairs. I don’t know why she always has to give me a hard time on the way I dress, like I am a little kid.

I feel like life is unbearable right now. I just am so underground. There is no daylight. My heart is heavy and my ankle is throbbing again. I get no relief whatsoever. Death is all I think about these days. It makes me happy knowing I have a way out of this damned misery. One day I will end my pain. One day. And soon.

Mother’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mother’s Day 2017

Last night I left my mother her card for Mother’s Day and she opened it. She came into my room when she came upstairs and said thank you. This morning I wished her Happy Mother’s Day and spent some time in the kitchen as I made my coffee. I should have gone upstairs after I made it but I didn’t. Big mistake. My mother started complaining about how I should go through my clothes and hang them up in my shitty closet. Then she was saying how she needs to clean this and that but she can’t do it because she doesn’t have the energy.

When I was finished with my coffee, I noticed two pans in the sink. I asked her if she had two different types of eggs and that is when she called me a lazy bastard because I didn’t clean the one of the pans from yesterday. I felt so hurt. I just wanted to die and wished I never been born.

My sister told us to come to her place around 1500 for dinner. I really didn’t want to go. I just wanted to stay in bed and watch a movie. I finally loaded my new software and wanted to see how the picture quality is. I couldn’t believe that once I loaded it, it said it needed to be upgraded. I clicked on the link, thinking it was some kind of update software, nope it was a different version for $50! Fuck that. Dell was selling the 16 version for $80. Rip off! I will stick with using this laptop for movies.

Dinner was good. My sister made a surf and turf. I had some shrimp but didn’t eat the lobster as I don’t like it. The steak was ok. I loved the mashed potatoes and the corn, even though my niece complained about the potatoes the whole time. It was really annoying. I love my niece but she can be extremely opinionated about things and there is no point in arguing with her because you are wrong. My foot/ankle started acting up so I left. I needed pain meds and my bed to relax.

I wanted to make pancakes this morning and had tweeted the person that gave me the recipe but I made the mistake of going back to sleep. That sapped my energy and I really didn’t want to do anything. I got hungry before dinner was ready and had some Doritos. If I was a lazy bastard, I would be a fat lazy bastard. My mother is always saying shit like this to me. She calls me lazy all the time. But yet, when she needs something at Walgreens or the store, it’s okay to ask me to get it for her. Pisses me off. And also depresses me because I don’t feel valued by her at all. I think she would just be better off without me.

I keep thinking of ending my life and today is no different. I also think about how it would effect my nieces and nephew. They are the ones that really keep me here, when the blinders are not on so heavily. I just feel like a piece of shit that needs to be disposed of. I will one of these days.