Tag: physical pain

Pain changes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain changes

I used to have pain that began anywhere between 1800-2300. Now it’s starting to happen around 1400 in the afternoon. WTF. It’s the same type of pain I experience at night, only earlier in the day now. And it lasts well into the evening. Because it’s day time, I can’t take a full dose of meds unless I know I am doing absolutely nothing the rest of the day because I am basically drugged up. It usually knocks me out and I sleep, which messes with my night time sleeping. Today I took one pain pill when I came home from Starbucks and then paged my psychiatrist because I felt uneasy.

I was supposed to kill myself today, so this pain isn’t helping that feeling of wanting to die. I told my therapist that I would use my crisis response plan if I was in trouble. I am not to the point of needing to go to the ER but I do need to talk to my psych because she can help calm me down. My therapist will just get excited and be no use to me then have to get off the phone with me, leaving me feeling in worse shape before she called. Least with my psychiatrist we can come up with some kind of plan until I meet with her tomorrow.

I took an Ativan because my anxiety was getting up. I feel mellow now. I also want to sleep but my psych hasn’t called back and I don’t want to miss her call. I guess it’s good that I am not anxious because I was going to ask her what the quickest way to amputate your limb would be, chainsaw or a sawzall.

I just had dinner so I shouldn’t have to go downstairs anymore unless I have to use the bathroom. Or want a snack. But I will only snack if my pain levels return to normal (which they won’t) or my doc calls and calms me down so I don’t do anything to harm myself in the mean time. I am so sick of this shit. The pain has taken a life of it’s own. I can understand hurting at night when I have done nothing all day. But to bother me in the day time hours, too? NO, I won’t stand for it. Something needs to be done. Though what that is, I have no fucking clue. I am sure my PCP that I see tomorrow is going to be just as clueless. Least my pain meds work on the pain so I don’t need to change meds.

Thing is, I didn’t do anything different today than I normally do. I didn’t stand for hours on the train or waiting for the bus. I didn’t walk more than I normally do. I was having an okay day until the damn pain hit. Then everything went out the fucking window and I wanted to fucking die. I still feel that way but it’s more manageable since I have taken the Ativan and pain meds to control some of the pain. I would love to take a nap but it’s too late for it. I will just take my meds early tonight and try and see if I can sleep at a decent hour. I got to leave the house early tomorrow. I just hope my pain doesn’t get worse as time goes on. Or the pain meds wear off in the middle of the night and I am in excruciating pain. That always is my worry.

Shepard’s Pie and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Shepard’s pie and other things

I’ve had a long day, and it started early this morning. The bus was late so I didn’t get to the station until after 0730. I got my espresso but wasn’t in the mood for eating anything. I then high tailed to the trains because there were delays. The station platform was crowded. Wonderful. I pretty much stood the whole way to my stop.

I got to my appointment a few minutes early. I was the only person in the waiting room for this doctor so I thought I would be in and out. Wrong. The doc was 40 minutes late because she got stuck in traffic. I wanted to leave but I needed a refill for my script. We talked and went over the history. She said she sent it to Walgreens and I still don’t see it, hours later. So I am hoping the stupid system didn’t fail me yet again. I am waiting to see if she sent it to another pharmacy before I panic. I have used up my last row of hormone pills and if I don’t get the pills by Saturday, I am screwed. But I will worry about that tomorrow. I will have to hound the office until it gets called in.

I came home and had to get some lip balm because my lips were so dry they were cracking. The weather was very cold, which didn’t help. I had twenty minutes until the next bus so I had time to run to CVS for the balm. They didn’t have the one I preferred but I got the brand at least. I put it in my jacket so I would have it. I thought of going to Starbucks for a sandwich but there wasn’t time. I figure I would have a cup of tea and my cranberry cake for breakfast.

For lunch, I figure I would make the Shepard’s pie. I was starting to feel lazy while relaxing, drinking my tea. I wasn’t in pain, which I thought was odd. The train was still having delays so there were still no seats on the ride home. I had to stand until the train emptied out two stops before mine. Even while walking home, I wasn’t in pain. I thought I could make the pie without trouble. Yeah right. As I was waiting for the potatoes to brown in the oven, my toes exploded. I was sitting when this happened. I cursed and figured enough time had elapsed for the potatoes. They were crispy but not brown. But I had the same problem last time I used instant potatoes.

I ate a little of it as I had been eating the left over potatoes as the pie was supposed to be browning. I was full with the little piece that I had, which was good enough for me as I needed to rest my godforsaken foot. I cleaned up best I could and then scurried to my room to take more pain meds and rest my stupid foot. I am done for the fucking day. I am tired and in pain. My mother said she would try the pie so she has dinner. She will just have to heat it up. My niece will also have dinner so I am not expecting there to be much leftover for tomorrow. I only had about a pound of ground beef, which wasn’t much. But the craving is out of my system now.

After considering what a friend has commented on my blog the other day, I don’t think I will try and end my life this week. That doesn’t mean that I am any less suicidal. I still am. It’s just that short of jumping in front of a train or getting hit by a bus, I don’t see an alternative to ending my life. Sure there are other ways I could end it, but unless I can secure a hotel room, I doubt it will happen this month. The way that my foot is killing me right now doesn’t make me feel better about my decision. I would go to the hospital but I can’t trust them with my pain medication schedule, or even being able to take my strong pill should I need it. I will go insane if I am in serious pain and not being able to control it because some hot shot doctor thinks better than I do about what is right for me.

I don’t have to go out again until Friday, unless my prescription shows up at Walgreens before then. I know they are cutting paper waste by faxing electronically but I still wish for paper scripts. It just will make life easier sometimes than relying on a stupid new computer system that likes to fuck with everyone, indiscriminately. Until then, I can rest my damn foot.

Painsomnia Begins

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia begins

I haven’t tried going to sleep yet but my ankle is already flaring up so I doubt I will sleep in the next few hours anyway. My groceries came. They didn’t have all my powerade that I ordered. That was fine. I have enough to carry me through till the next month. It’s not summer anymore so I shouldn’t be going through it like I was. I finagled the fridge to accommodate the juice and my mother finagled the freezer to fit my tater tots. I had to make a few trips up and down the stairs because the guy forgot to deliver the water and for some reason, wouldn’t shut the doors. That part annoys me because the least they can do is shut them on their way out.

This cold is really kicking my ass, so you would think that I would be sleeping. I had to use some Flonase to keep my nasal passages open and to possibly help the running nose. I also took some Vitamin D to help my immunity with this respiratory virus. I really don’t want it in my lungs. Bronchitis sucks when you have a bad back.

My sister made a turkey soup with the left over turkey meat. It was really good. It was the only sustenance I have had all day, other than pudding pie. Tomorrow, I am going to work on the custard pie and eat my cranberry cake with coffee. Who needs real food with all these yummy desserts? I forgot to delete the cranberries from my grocery list so now I need a recipe for muffins or cake or something to do with them. I love my Nantucket cake but there is only so much love and I am the only one that eats it so I need to find something else to do with the cranberries. I put the bag in the freezer for now. I still have half a bag left from the cake I made. Too much cranberries.

I’ve had a mild headache for most of the day. I took some ibuprofen to quiet it down but it’s still there. I hope it’s not a prelude to a fever coming on. I really hate being sick with a virus that I just have to wait till it passes its course. It’s just so annoying because there is nothing to ease it really.

The pain in my foot and ankle is just gnawing at me. My defenses are down because of this cold and this pain is just pushing me to the limit of my patience. Not what I need when I am in a suicidal state of mind. This week is going to be hard. It will be the only week that I have to really end my life before the holidays. I will feel like a wimp if I don’t try. I am tired of fighting this battle day in and day out. It’s more than just fatigue and exhaustion. It’s downright depletion of everything that I have in me. Just a few more days to try my experiment and see if I can leave this world.

Thanksgiving 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Thanksgiving 2016

I was having a nearly pain-free day until my mother needed a pan that was on the top shelf. While reaching for it and then climbing down off the chair, my ankle gave way and I have been in pain since. We had a relatively good dinner and were stuff at the first helpings. The turkey was fantastic as usual, though my sister complained that it was dry. I didn’t think so. As I had to take a pain pill before we ate, I couldn’t have any alcoholic beverages, which sucked. I would have loved the wine my sister brought up.

We brought out a table full of desserts after we ate. No one was in the mood for any, though I managed to have my Nantucket cranberry cake I made. It came out good. A couple people had coffee but I didn’t because it smelled terrible. It wasn’t Starbucks coffee. I already had it any way. I ate way too much and am glad I am in my PJs.

While we were sitting digesting our food, my loud mouth cousin came over. I can’t stand her because she always wants to be the center of attention. When she really started to get loud, I left to go upstairs to my room. It didn’t help the noise levels but at least it was a little quieter. I needed to put my ankle up anyways and take another pain pill. She just left and I am thankful for that. Maybe I can get a nap in.

I honestly don’t know what I did to my ankle when I was on the chair getting that stupid pan. I think I might have turn on it or something. Whatever I did, holy cow, does it hurt. It’s my normal pain so I don’t think I did something new to it. I probably just put pressure on it that it didn’t like. I’m getting sleepy so I think I am going to take that nap my head so desperately wants.