Tag: physical pain

Pain from the Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain from the Midnight Demon

The last few hours have been excruciating. I have been troubled with the stubborn nerve pain that you can’t do anything about but pray the Neurontin kicks in before you take the entire bottle. I was contemplating that tonight. Just as I was about to take slumber, the nerve pain came out of no where and I was in agony. I played with the blankets. On and off. It made no difference. I hung the foot off the bed. No relief. Then I got nauseous. I had to take a Zofran. The other meds were making me sick because my body wanted to sleep but my damn foot was keeping me up.

Now it’s almost 3 in the morning and I show no signs of sleeping. I just took some pain meds to see if that quiets down the pain some. Maybe some physical pain is masking as nerve pain and that is keeping me up. I never know. My foot can’t talk but it can scream, like a baby in pain. It screams, I cry. There is no relieving this pain insight. Though the first dose of Neurontin seems to have kicked in. I had taken it hours ago. I swear it takes about four hours to relieve nerve pain. It never relieves it right away than say an aspirin relieves a headache.

I have taken all that I can take tonight, both medication wise and patience. Man how my patience runs low when I am in severe pain. I just know that later today I want a damn pizza and my cake. That is all that I want to eat. I am sure that if I fall asleep by 0400, I will wake up around 0900 or so. That always seems to be the case. Then I will have my cake for breakfast and then wait till noon for my pizza. Maybe I will order fries too. I don’t know. I got a good 12 hours before I order.

My computer was making some clicking sounds so I thought it was downloading some updates or running a virus scan. Turns out that for whatever reason, my virus protection software was uninstalled! I have no idea how this happened. Unless I uninstalled it with the intent or reinstalling but never did. But I am reloading it now as we speak. It should take a good half hour or so to download. It takes for ever. That is one thing I hate about McAfee. It a good program but it takes forever to scan and load.

Today my mother called me to find out if I was home. I haven’t left the house all day but she thought because I had an appointment, I would leave. It was a phone therapy appointment so I wasn’t going to leave. She drives me crazy because she knows I have this appointment every week and I keep having to remind her that. Anyways she called and asked what was wrong. I told her I was tired as I didn’t sleep good last night because of pain. She then wants me to go to a small hospital in Boston that specializes in bone. I am tired of seeing doctors and even if I decided to go, who would I see? What kind of doctor? Surgeon? Physiatrist? Ortho? Neuro? I can’t just walk in the place and say, “See me”! She doesn’t get it and it pisses me off to no end. I have been to this hospital before when I first had my back surgery and the doctor just wanted to do injections. I said see ya later. Never went back to him. But he did give me a good recommendation on a book called “Back Pain for Dummies”. Surprisingly, the book actually has the red flags of Cauda Equina Syndrome in it. Great book! It lists all the PT exercises that I have been doing up until that point and more. I shared it will my support group and number of people have bought it. I even bought several copies of it to give to friends and family. I don’t know where the extra copies are now but I know I still have a few.

I really want to make oatmeal pancakes. I have been craving them for a while. Maybe I will make them later today instead of eating cake for breakfast. I would make them now but I hate clean up. I am hungry though as it has been more than eight hours since I last ate. I can have cake now and then the pancakes later. Yes that is what I am going to do.

round the clock pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Round the clock pain

Since early this morning, I have been in pain. I have diligently been taking my pain meds around the clock. The only time I wasn’t in pain was a brief window between 1900 and 2030. Then I started feeling zaps and the pain returned.

I had a light supper, just a bowl of soup. It was more water than a broth. Then I had some cookies and felt satisfied. A couple hours later, I started to feel bloated. I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink so I didn’t know why this was. My niece called me and said she had some tiramisu for me so I went downstairs to have it. BIG mistake. The bloating got worse and my stomach has been off kilter the past few hours. I thought it might be gas so I took some Mylanta. It helped some but not all. Then my pain spiked. Now I don’t think I can get to sleep despite being tired. I took my fourth dose of pain pills for the day, which is unusual as I usually only need three. But the pain is bad.

While I was waiting for the Mylanta to work, I decided to do some reading. I didn’t want to read as I finished the Lincoln Boys and thought I was done. But I left off in the middle of the chapter and I hate that so I decided to finish just that chapter. I am now reading “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that happened in Boston in 1919. I find Boston’s history interesting.

I am very surprised that despite taking my pain meds, I didn’t nap once during the entire day. Usually, I sleep all day. Maybe my psychiatrist is right and I am getting more used to the meds than I thought I was. I didn’t think it was going to happen to me but it has, much to my dismay.

things accomplished today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Things accomplished today

I woke up in pain, again, so I took my pain meds. I fought off the drowsiness by making breakfast and coffee. I didn’t feel like going to the Square today as I wanted pizza for lunch. I made a deal with myself that if I went to the post office, I could get pizza for lunch. The pain had calmed down some by the time lunchtime rolled around so I made it to the post office and then got half a box of pizza. It was cheaper that way than getting two slices. My niece texted me saying that she needed a nip so I went to the liquor store after I picked up the pizza. I also checked my numbers. Yesterday, something was telling me to play my father’s numbers so I played. I won $3 so I played again for tonight’s drawing.

I came home and ate the pizza, all of it. It was good and I was hungry. I guess I won’t have supper tonight. I went back to my room and my mother called me. She left her insulin down my aunt’s house and wanted me to go get it. So I put my sneakers on and walked down the street, hoping my ankle didn’t fail on me because I didn’t carry my cane nor was I wearing the AFO. Now my ankle and foot really hate me. Before I rested, I emptied the barrels in my room into a trash bag. I had to empty them because they were almost overflowing. After I did that, I took two more pain pills and am now resting my damn foot. The same area that flared up last night is still hurting me today.

I didn’t change my sheets like I wanted to but at least I accomplished the other things. I will try and change them tomorrow if my pain isn’t too bad, and I get some sleep. The Neurontin really helped me sleep most of the night last night. But I had to take a huge dose of it. I think that is why I am so hungry today. Think I am going to have some golden Oreos soon. My sweet tooth is craving something sweet.

I was glad that the dentist office called in the afternoon and not in the morning like I thought they were going to. I have an appointment Monday for a cleaning. I have been better at brushing my teeth since my last visit so that is good. I hope I have no cavities. That will suck.

I might make my pumpkin cake this weekend. I know I will be the only one eating it but I don’t care. I like baking. I just hope I have some cool whip. Otherwise, I won’t be able to make it. That would be sad. I have been wanting to make this cake for a while now. I also need to have room in the fridge for it because it needs to be refrigerated.

burrito for lunch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Burrito for lunch

I woke up several times during the night. During one of the times, I tried reading but it made me tired so I could go back to sleep. I left off after reading a page and a half in the chapter. I am glad I didn’t try to finish it because it was a very long chapter. When I fully woke up around 0700, I began reading where I left off. I thought the chapter was never going to end.

I woke up in pain so I took some pain meds because I was in pain, again. As I read, I waited for my mother to leave the house before making my way to the kitchen to make breakfast. I do this because I like having the kitchen to myself without the noise of the damn TV. After I had breakfast I took a shower carefully. It exhausted me so I had to rest a bit. The pain meds helped my pain and I was able to catch the next bus to the Square. I got my espresso and started writing in my journal.

I fellow blogger friend PM’d me while I was writing because she was having a difficult time. We talked nonsense for a bit, like we always do when we have our troubles. I forgot about my writing for a while and when we finished talking, I lost interest in writing. I decided to write a few more sentences and then get a burrito for lunch. After I got it, I waited at the bus stop to head home to enjoy it, or try to. I didn’t want to eat it at the restaurant because it can get messy and I hate it when the stuff gets all over my face and hands. I rather eat it at home so I can wash up afterwards if need be.

I emailed my psychiatrist sometime last night about my pain levels and asked her about the bed situation as I haven’t heard from her in a couple of days. I still haven’t heard from her. It’s not a pressing issue so I will just wait until she has time to notify me on what is going on. I am feeling safer since I know I will be in the hospital and the suicidal urges haven’t been around for most of the week. Yesterday the feelings of wanting to die were there because the pain was all fucking day, but I didn’t have the urge to end my life right then and there. If I don’t hear from her by this evening, I will shoot off another email.

As I was drinking my espresso, I began reading my Twitter line and lo and behold, I read a tweet from the Mass governor that really pissed me off. He wants to initiate a program to get those on work injury off opioid medication and to use alternative stuff. What that stuff is, I have no clue. The tweet didn’t offer a link to click to find out what he was talking about, exactly. I fear that doctors, in the coming years, won’t be able to prescribe opioids unless it’s for terminal diseases in my state. I will be fucking screwed, all because of the damn opioid crisis. I posted my frustration to my support group and found out one of my friends had trouble in Florida getting her meds so she moved to another state to get it. I have no idea if doctors are in this program to help patients get off opioid medication because there will be withdrawals and that can be worse than being addicted to the meds.

I’m back in the land of pain. I just took my pain meds. I only took one pill because it’s too early to take two and the pain isn’t that bad. It’s driving me crazy though because of its unpredictability. I know I went out and that is usually a trigger for pain, but damn, there’s no sense in timing it anymore. Used to be that I would hurt anywhere from 1800-midnight. Now it’s in the afternoon or morning and it just sucks. I brought this up to the new PCP and he didn’t offer any suggestions on dealing with it, other than to keep doing what I am doing. Nice, thanks doc. I am at the end of my rope and you just want me to stick with status quo. Unreal. Course, I wasn’t expecting him to have answers or suggestions. It would be too much.