Tag: physical pain

Throbbing pain and suicidal thinking

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Throbbing pains and suicidal thinking

I knew I was going to be in severe pain tonight. What I wasn’t expecting was the stupid pain to change course on me. I usually have three metatarsals (bones in the foot) that hurt me every night. Now there are six of them. If I didn’t just have foot X-rays, I would probably get them again. Of course, there is nothing wrong with my bones. They just throb and throb every single night. Then I have my ankle deciding to join in the fun and it keeps me awake when I want to sleep.

I knew I should have tried to take a nap earlier this evening. Around 1730 or so, I was really tired from the migraine I had and everything was bothering me, lights and sounds mostly. Then my face went numb so I took my migraine meds. I should have taken a nap but it was too early to sleep and I knew I would be up if I did. Now I am shooting myself in the foot, so to speak.

I have my phone on vibrate because I can’t stand noises, even though the migraine has gone away now. I need to change the ringtone for my text messages. But there really isn’t any good ringtones on my phone that I like. I would love to get the Star Trek Next Gen communicator ringtone but I haven’t been able to find an app that has it. I think by now they have come out with the real comm badge that is a Bluetooth communicator. I would get one but it’s $80. Way out of my budget. If I strike it rich on my birthday, I will consider getting it. That is if I don’t go through with my plan.

I know I have been talking a lot about my plan and yet I am still here. Honestly don’t know why I am still here, but I am. Guilt is one reason. My fucking idiotic therapist is another. And of course my psychiatrist, who I value her trust in me more than anything. I can’t whole heartedly go ahead with my plan knowing that a) it might not work the way I want it to (meaning I will survive) and b) if I do die, the pain I will cause those left behind. It’s a burden on me knowing that I will cause suffering to those I love more than anything.

I was reading a blog today from a friend I know in Ireland. She has DID and was in emotional turmoil. She needed to hear from her therapist to calm her down. I remember the days when I needed the same thing from my therapist or psychiatrist. But since the psychosis that has happened this year and the medication I take for it, I no longer feel that connection. I feel disconnected from my feelings, all together and it worries me because other than feeling really suicidal or depressed, I really don’t feel much else. Maybe anger occasionally and grief, but no sense of connection to the people I care about. There used to this connection but I no longer feel it. I have been cut off from it. I guess it started when I realized my father wasn’t going to make it earlier this year. I remember being in the hospital room with the PA while she was telling us the oncologist was not going to pursue anymore treatment options for my father and that it was only a matter of time that he was going to die. My father was wrapped up in the blankets in his hospital bed, trying to sleep. I have no idea if he was hearing the conversation or not. That is when we started looking for nursing homes for him. It was a hard decision and it was difficult to bear. I don’t think the month of April is ever going to be the same for us again.

While my father was dying from his disease, my depression was out of control. Then I became psychotic after his death, even while taking the meds for it. The voices told me to stop taking it so I did. I got worse. Then I went on another medication because I had to take something for it. The voices were commanding me to take bottles of my pills and telling me everyone was going to kill me, including my lovely psychiatrist. Now that I am back in control again, I feel different. I feel shielded, like I have emotion but I don’t. They are useless to me. My doc wants me to take a lower dose of this medication but I have tried to and it just doesn’t help me to be on a low dose. I need to take two doses a day to feel stable. It might be causing me to feel like a robot at times but it’s keeping the delusions, paranoia, and voices under control. It’s been five months now that I have been feeling disconnected but I really don’t want to be plugged in. It’s better this way. The only time I feel out of sorts is when my pain is out of control and the anxiety takes over. That is when I feel most dysregulated and suicidal. It is at these times that I come up with plans to kill myself because I want to end it all. Sadly, the way I feel right now, I could just toss a coin and see if I should die or live. Heads I live, tails I die. I don’t care anymore. If my favorite holiday wasn’t coming in the next few days, I might toss that coin. Until then, I will wait till next week and then toss that coin.

bewitching hour has hit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bewitching hour has hit

It’s now 0200. I can usually fall asleep within the next half hour or I will be up all night. It’s an either or battle that I face. As I am not really tired, I say that I am going to be up most of the night. I just took some Neurontin as my foot is starting to burn. I was having a conversation with a Canadian friend of mine about this drug. She take 1800 mg/day and still has nerve pain in her foot. That is an adequate dose. I take any where between 600-1200 mg or more a night. I find that taking the dose all at once is helpful for me and keeps the nerve pain away for at least 24-48 hours. Of course, if I am in a bad pain flare, that can be less coverage and I will need to take it on a regular basis for a while.

The drag races have started in my area. I don’t know why cars must have their tires screech in the midnight hours. It’s so stupid. I just hope no accidents occur or people get hurt. If I knew exactly where they were racing, I would report them. I don’t know what the police would do because by the time they would show up, the cars could be gone. So annoying.

I had fun watching my niece tonight. We didn’t watch a movie like she said we were going to. She just played on her tablet and I napped. I was in a pizza coma so slept for about an hour. Probably why I am still up. I played on my phone or on my laptop. There was some funny shit going on about Pence and his experience at the theater for the musical “Hamilton”. People are so creative in creating memes and stuff that I am just in awe. There was also some stuff going on about the president-elect and his business that is still going on. I am really afraid for this country and what is going to happen in the next four years. No wonder I am so suicidal. I honestly don’t want to be around should this country go down the toilet after all the stuff Obama did to get us back on track.

My psychiatrist didn’t ask me what my plans were for ending my life and I didn’t tell her. I just told her flatly that I was suicidal. She made me tell her that I would page her should that change to acting on my feelings. I told her that only time it really becomes a problem is when my pain levels are through the roof and I can see no way out of it in sight. Sure I have a date set and will have the pills I plan on using but I have a feeling my dorky therapist is going to be watching me like a hawk. There is no longer going to be any wiggle room about this is in therapy. It just depresses me because it just makes me feel defeated. And I don’t want to let my psychiatrist down by attempting. She is trusting me a heck of a lot. I have never lied to her. That is why our relationship has always been a good match. I have always been straight with her and she knows this. I am wicked torn. Part of me just wants to say fuck you and end it and then part of me doesn’t because I know I will lose the trust of my two professionals that care an awful lot about me. That trust is what is keeping me from being inpatient right now.

My psychiatrist and I did go over going in the hospital but I told her there was no “treatment” there anymore. I would just be babysat and that is not what I need. Besides, with the holiday coming up, I really don’t want to be in the hospital. Maybe afterwards. I don’t know if it would help. The biggest thing is the admitting doc always asks “what set you off” and honestly, I don’t know. Why am I choosing now to be inpatient rather than last week? I don’t know. I hate being inpatient only because I hate being on their schedule for meds and stuff. I rather be on my schedule but that isn’t how it works.

My pillow is calling me. I hope I am able to sleep through the night without waking up in pain. It’s late enough so I hope to be awake enough by the time the football game starts. But who knows, I might be sleeping all day because I have been up half the night.

Run around day for nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Run around day for nothing

I thought I had an appointment at 0900 this morning. I set my alarm at good time to get dressed and brush my teeth. I unfortunately, didn’t get up right away and when I checked my watch, I was late. I left the house hurriedly to catch the bus or I would have been screwed. I had to get coffee or I was going to be a bitch. I was fifteen late only for the secretary to tell me my appointment was canceled and rescheduled! I was so damn pissed. The appointment was reschedule on Halloween so I never got notified. Then I thought maybe an email was sent and I just never read it. My ankle was smarting so I decided to go home before my next appointment, which I thought was at 11 but it was at 1. I was all screwed up today.

I got home and took my meds. I checked for an email and there wasn’t. Now I was really mad. I woke up for nothing and rushed out of the house for nothing. I shouldn’t have come home though. I was getting lazy and comfy so I didn’t want to go out again, but I had to see my psychiatrist. So I brushed my teeth and then left to go to the bus stop. I left really early and so waited. There was a homeless guy at the stop and we made conversation. I felt really bad that I didn’t have any money on me to give him. I knew they were going to give him grief on the bus. I tried to use my pass twice for him but it wouldn’t work. He had to use whatever change he had. I felt really awful.

I got to my appointment okay. I was feeling really tired and hungry as I didn’t eat anything and all this running around was making me tired. I was glad my psychiatrist’s office is the building closest to the train station so I didn’t have to walk too much. I flatly told her I was suicidal. I didn’t say that I had plans but we came to an agreement. I told her that during my pain episodes I am likely to kill myself but am getting worried that not being able to walk might override my walk three feet to the bureau to get the meds I need to kill myself. She wants me to page her, at whatever hour, to talk about it. We briefly discussed the hospital but I told her I wanted my mother’s turkey and I didn’t want to be inpatient as that just sucks during the holidays. I also told her I would go in but they mess up my meds so much that I would be at the med counter forever taking pills. Plus, the way my pain meds are written, I wouldn’t be taking them the way I take them at home. I would be screwed and that might send me over the edge when I got out.

She reiterated that she wants me to page her when I feel suicidal or just need to talk about things. She wants me to be in contact with her more frequently and wants to know how my Thanksgiving went. I told her I would send her a blog. I apologized for not sending her blogs because they have been shitty lately and I know they would worry her.

Despite drinking a lot of caffeine today, I feel really tired. I had four shots of espresso this morning and another two this afternoon when I had my lunch. You would think that would keep me up and not feel drowsy. Yeah, right. I guess I needed the caffeine to help offset all the running around I did today. I just hope it doesn’t back fire on me and then I am up most of the night due to restlessness. Being in pain is going to be a given because my ankle is already sore. There were no seats on the train ride home so I had to stand a few stops before one became available. Then the next stop, a large woman sat next to me, invading my personal space. I was not happy. The worse part was that she was on her damn phone so I couldn’t move. I hate people like that. I know I am not a thin person but at least have respect for the person sitting next to you.

I told my psych about how my therapist’s anxiety is interfering with our sessions. I just feel like all she does is talk and I listen, not speaking what I want to say, which leaves me feeling frustrated and useless. I didn’t tell her that my therapist forced a session on me yesterday. That might not have gone too well. My therapist is nuts though. Sadly, she admits it freely so there is no hope.

Editing nightmare, writing, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

Editing nightmare, writing, and other things

Earlier this week when I was editing, I noticed that one story had given each paragraph its own page. I fixed it and thought that would be it. Tonight, I went to the next story and there was a similar error. I went to the next and found the same error. I panicked. I knew what I had to do to fix it but it was a lengthy process and would take some time and effort to sort through. It was more than 50 pages of work to sort. I had nothing better to do so cut and pasted I did. I fixed the book and in doing so, “lost” 20 pages. I am up to 125, without edits as I still haven’t inputted them but at least there are no formatting errors, least none that I can see right now.

Because I thought I was up to at least 150 pages of work after putting in some dedication and acknowledgement pages, I figured I could publish the book. Now I can’t because it’s too short for my taste. I really would like to get it up to 200 pages, minimum. It’s probably going to take me another six months or so to get another 75 pages written. I am so disappointed. So close yet no cigar.

My mother annoyed me tonight. I told her I was in pain and she said “well you are going up and down the stairs alright”. WTF She doesn’t fucking get it. The other day when my sister was here she was telling her that I go down the stairs “carefully”. But she said it in a mocking voice. I just can’t win with her. Tomorrow she wants me to clean the stairs, both flights. I will clean the bottom stairs first as those haven’t been done in quite a while. Then we’ll see about the other flight.

I just took a strong pain pill because I couldn’t stand the throbbing in my ankle anymore and the regular pain pills aren’t working. I hope I am not up every fricken two hours. I am really tired. It’s funny, when I want to sleep I can’t and when I need sleep, I do. There is no medium. I know part of it is my fault because I am on my bed most of the time so when I feel the need to lie down, I do and usually sleep, no matter what time of day it is. A sleep doc would have a complete fit if he knew my sleeping habits or lack there of.

It’s extremely windy and it is shaking the house. It kind of scares me because I fear the house will fall in. I know it won’t, sort of, but it still scares me when the house shakes. I hope the wind dies down by the end of the night. I don’t need anxiety on top of pain to keep me up. That just isn’t a good combination.

I talked with my aunt tonight. It didn’t go well. She didn’t know who I was and then started crying. It broke my heart. She wanted me to visit her. I wish I had a car to see her but I don’t. I would have to go by public transportation and it’s a pain because I would have to take two trains and a bus to get to her house. It would be worth it to see her though. I miss her terribly. She is the last surviving sibling in the US on my father’s side. I have one uncle in France but he has dementia and is not doing too well. I don’t talk to him because of the language barrier. He doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak French or Italian.