Tag: psych hospital

still inpatient 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide attempt

It’s Sunday and I am still here. I probably will be here for a while as I found out last night that there is no set discharge date for me. This upsets me. I talked with my pdoc and told her that even though she is on vacation, I want to be discharged and that I will email her every day until I see her on the 22nd. I am still having suicidal thoughts and stuff but they are lessening. I think the new medication is helping me. I really want to be in my own bed again.

Since I have a bunch of time on my hands while I am in here, I have written a lot in my journal and written a few letters to my therapist. She is on vacation also. I really miss her and hope that when I get out of here I can borrow my sister’s car and see her. I haven’t seen her since June. She misses me as much as I miss her. I am trying my best to get out of here and still be safe.

I had an ankle flare up the other day and I can’t seem to calm it down. It is bugging the crap out of me. I had the doc change my medication orders so I take two pills instead of one. This has helped me tremendously. I feel like I can now be better now, least where my pain is concerned.

I wrote out a treatment plan for my case manager last night, I am hoping that it shows that I am trying to work on my issues. I know that this unit cannot work on ALL my issues but I just want to work at least on a little bit so that feel a little better. If I can work on the self-hate and “like” myself a little bit, I think that will decrease my suicidality enough that I can be okay. I will find out tomorrow if this plan is going to be acceptable to my treaters. It is the only think that I have going for me. If they tell me they cannot work with me on this a little bit than I have no other choice than to sign a 3 day and leave AMA [against medical advise]. Course, it might back fire on me and lead to a court commitment but I will worry about that later. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.

Last night was rough for me as I wanted to write out my will and testament and a good bye letter to my friend. Actually, it was more to write out what I want him to do in case of my demise. My contact person talked me out of doing this. She wanted me to work on a self-compassionate letter instead. I have yet to write this. I might work on that today, though it is going to be difficult.

I had a tough day with family. One of my cousins called and wanted me to visit him but when I told him I was in the hospital, it was like I did it on purpose and didn’t want to see him as he told me in advance he was coming up {he lives in Virginia}. I felt very upset by this. I then told him not to tell my aunt about my being in the hospital because I don’t want her to know. He then flipped out about that. It was like a no win situation with him that just left me feeling upset. Then my sister texted me wanting me to tell her what medication I was on. I just felt like I was being bombarded by family. I didn’t answer my sister’s text.

I talked with my contact person. It was the same one I had last night. She is good and I like talking with her. I told her I was feeling depressed and wasn’t sure if I could keep my safety outside the hospital, which is true. I still am having suicidal thoughts and plans. I don’t know if I would act on those plans but I know that they are still there. I really feel like I should do something. I am feeling agitated and perturbed. I told my contact person that my “normal” voices aren’t there. I am missing them very badly and I think that is what is making me feel perturbed. I hope they come back so that I have someone to talk to. I feel lonely without them.

I am thinking of a good friend tonight. I found out she has suffered a stroke and is in the ICU. Her left side is affected and so is her speech. She is a very religious person so I know that god will take good care of her. I just hope she doesn’t suffer. If you bloggers can send her good thoughts, I would most appreciate it.

another day in the psych unit

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Went to a couple groups today. It went well. The second group I went to had to do with writing so it came natural for me. I didn’t think I could write under pressure as I came into the group late but I was able to write something.

Mood is still bleak. I really hate myself today. I feel super conscious of the fact I am severely overweight and it is bugging me. I guess it because the other patients on the unit are thinner than I am, I feel self-conscious.

I met with the director of the unit today as my attending was off today. It went ok. She wanted me to write down stuff to talk to my regular case manager about on Monday. I will do that tomorrow. I am in too much pain right now to think straight. What I would give for two pain pills right now. It will really take the edge off and help with the PTSD symptoms I am having. But I need to jump through I don’t know how many hoops to get two pills so I rather just rest on my bed the rest of the night. Long as my foot is off the ground, I am ok. It still hurts just not as much.

I just tried to write my therapist letter. I got half a page done before my mind started wondering. I really am going to miss her the next two weeks. My pdoc is back the following week and I hope I can be discharged that week. She wrote me an encouraging email and that made me feel better. I don’t know what I would do without her support. Course she is the reason why I am here.

I had an okay contact person today. She is kind of aloof but can be serious when she needs to be. I hope I have a good contact person tonight. Otherwise, the night is just going to suck.

The suicidal feelings have eased a bit since my pain peaked. It’s like they like to trade off or something. But I am feeling safer on the unit. I still want to die but it is waning.

profoundly depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

Profoundly depressed

I met with my pdoc today. She didn’t talk me into the hospital. I argued against the reasons why I shouldn’t be in (no help basically and just being babysat). I told her about how horrible it was last night. Last night I had the thoughts of preparing and deciding how to kill myself. The thoughts were very intrusive and very hard to distract myself from. I told my pdoc that I thought of paging her but really what was she going to do beside tell me to go to the ER. I left the appointment a little better. I have to contact her on Monday or Tuesday to let her know how I am doing. She kept looking at me oddly when she said this. I don’t know if she was trying to detect my deceptiveness or if I wasn’t telling the truth but it was weird. I told her I had no plans for the weekend. I don’t think telling her “other than killing myself” would have flown very well. I told her I might get my coffee tomorrow to get out of the house and I was just planning on staying in on Sunday, like I usually do. If they had a bus going to my Starbucks, I might go out but they don’t. Sucks relying on public transportation on the weekends because the service is so different than during the week. She seemed ok with the answer but still gave me the odd look and kept saying she wants me to keep in touch with her.

I talked to one of my good friends last night and told him I was feeling like I might go into the hospital again because I just can’t stop thinking about killing myself. All week it has been like this but I have no energy, really, of going through with the thoughts. I just feel stuck. He was supportive and of course, doesn’t want me to die. The hard part is the family piece. I can’t just say bluntly either the hospital or a casket. My family just doesn’t understand when I have to go in the hospital, especially my mother. She thinks it is not an illness after my last hospitalization. She thinks that if I just talk to her, all my problems would be solved. Trouble is, she doesn’t understand any of my problems nor understand that this is a chronic illness I have nor that I don’t want to talk to her, at all. If I can come up with a creative response to why I am in the hospital, that might be good but I am not that creative. I can’t bullshit my way out of a paper bag.

The other problem I have is packing a bag for the hospital. I usually don’t know where I end up so I have to pack as if I am going to a maximum lock down unit. Nothing that I can use to kill myself, obviously, but would be considered a sharp. If I get admitted to the hospital I was at last time, I will be ok because I can have access to my phone and cords for charging. But there is no guarantee that I will end up there and it is a long process! Not only do you have to wait to be seen in the ER but waiting for admission is longer. Last time I was admitted, I was in the ER for almost 20 hours waiting for a bed. And then it was a 4 am admit. Not kidding.

I generally dislike going to the hospital because the beds suck. It more like a cot than a bed. And admission is not long like it was. You will be lucky if you stay more than a week. It really is just a containment and babysitting service. And I don’t think being babysat is not going to help with my self-destructive thoughts. It might help me feel safer because I don’t have access to all my stuff that I can possibly use to kill myself at home. If I do get admitted for possibly two weeks, I will be screwed on discharge because my therapist and psychiatrist are on vacation the following week. Which means I will not have follow up care for two weeks post discharge. Not a good thing when you get out of the hospital. And I don’t know if they will keep me longer because I won’t have follow up care post discharge. Some times, they will keep you longer because you don’t have a close enough follow up appointment. And seeing as I am chronically suicidal, they generally don’t like a far away follow up appointment.

I don’t know what to do. I think I should be in the hospital but the issues of getting there are always a pain in the ass. Maybe I will feel better by Monday and the depression will lift some. Doubt it but it could happen.

Midnight demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Midnight demons are out tonight

Since Midnight I have been in some serious pain. I got very distress and despondent. I thought about killing myself and was cursing my therapist for allowing me to still exist. A blogger friend was posting blogs so I asked her if she wanted to chat and we chatted for a few hours. She had to go because she had some stuff to do in the morning. Which is fine. I understand.

I still am in pain three hours later despite taking pain meds and using a pain gel. I don’t think I am going to sleep tonight and all I can think about is killing myself. I posted on FB that I wanted to use a chainsaw to chop my leg off. I seriously wonder if that is the better course of action. Just cut out the part that is hurting. I know there will be something called phantom pain afterwards but it can’t be worse than what I am going through right now. At least then, I will know WHY I am in pain. There is NO FUCKING REASON why I should be in pain. I didn’t do a damn thing today to warrant this pain. There is nothing wrong with my damn foot and ankle. Yet it hurts really bad. And it is burning me so bad. Pain is so bad I can’t even describe it. All I know is that I am hurting and want to kill myself. Just everything is dark and gray. I feel so hopeless. I know I am never going to get better.

I was talking with an ex-coworker tonight. I missed talking with her and she answered my text. We chatted for a bit and she asked when I was coming back to work. When I said I didn’t know if I could because of my pain, she chimed in that if I stop complaining maybe I would have my job back. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe she would say something so insensitive. My pain is real and I suffer greatly. I don’t know why I suffer the way I do but I do. I got really upset. But then I thought she is ignorant and doesn’t know what I go through every day. She doesn’t know how hard it is going down the stairs or that I have to limit my standing time or I will pay dearly for it. Sure I can suck it up and not complain. But then it will only fuel the demons. I kept quiet about my internal psychological pain for years and where did that get me? Nothing but psych hospitalizations after psych hospitalizations. Lead to cutting and drinking and more hospitalizations. So when I can finally express myself, why should I keep my physical pain inside? That is one of the reason why people kill themselves because people don’t know just how bad their pain hurts them. That is why people see their doctors only to get turned away because their pain doesn’t show up on any test. My x-rays and MRI shows there is nothing physically wrong with me. Yet my pain is real and it hurts really bad right now. So bad I am thinking of taking my life. So how can that be made up? How can it be held inside? The longer I keep it to myself the deeper it grows. They say that if you swear after stubbing a toe it lessens the pain. Well no matter much I swear, there is no lessening of this pain. I must rely on pain medication to help me deal with my pain. I wish it worked on my psychological pain but it doesn’t. Nothing helps my psychological pain. When both flares up (physical and psych) I am in the deepest waters struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. When I am not, someone comes by with a dinghy and I stay afloat.

I think my foot hurts just because it wants to. I think that I have been in pain for so long it doesn’t know what else to do but hurt me. And that causes my demons to worse and give me self doubt that this is all in my head. My therapist thinks that because of PTSD I have to be treated for my pain for my own safety. That if I am not treated, my PCP might as well just sign my death certificate. She is partially right. But I have a high pain tolerance and I haven’t been in this much pain in sometime. I know it is because the weather changes and having Hurricane Arthur pass by didn’t help me much. Plus this whole up 90 degrees and then down to 70 degrees really wrecks havoc on me. That’s a 20 degree difference. It hurts!

I keep looking at my pill bottle and wonder what will happen if I empty it. I have never OD’d on Tylenol before so I am kind of scared that it will cause me liver damage that I will regret. I think that is the only thing saving me from taking the rest of the bottle and hoping for the best. If I had a barbiturate or some other powerful sedating drug handy, I would take it. I just need/want some sleep. It’s 0330. I am glad I don’t have to get up early tomorrow. But I know I am only going to get a few hours of sleep and wake up. Probably wake up at 6 or 7. I might as well wait till 0400 to try and get some sleep. I took two pain pills to try and get me to calm down this pain. I just need it to be a 3 so I can sleep. It is a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I am sure that once I get nice and comfy, I will have to use the bathroom. Never fails. UGH how I hate that.