Tag: psychache

On being suicidal

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

Hate mixed states

I feel like I am in a mixed state right now. I feel hyper and manic and the next minute, I feel depressed and full of psychological pain. The oscillation is killing me. I just want to go to sleep but am unable to because of fucking baseball. I have to see if the Mets win this game after they fucking blew it. They had the lead and then they gave it up. Unreal. This is an elimination game. The Mets lose this game and the Royals win the series. I will be very upset if this happens.

I have been noticing my numbers (stats) have been up more than usual. Today the US has read my blog more than the UK. Yesterday it was the reverse. And still my “Knackered” blog is the most read for the day. It is my most popular blog.

I was reading more of the book “Dead Wake”. What I read really upset me because if the British acted, they could have avoided the tragedy of the Lusitania. They knew in advance that the Germans were tracking her. It’s just sad that things like this happened.

I took my nerve pain meds to try and ease this uneasiness that I am feeling and hopefully get some sleep. I am very tired but I am fighting it for some reason. I don’t like how I am feeling. I feel like I am walking a fine line of insanity vs sanity. I hate feeling keyed up one minute and feeling like I am going to fall flat on my face in another. I need sleep but I am too wound up.

Well, the Royals just fucking scored so I guess they win the series. I am very upset. The score is 7-2, I don’t think the Mets can score 5 runs to retie the game or win it. So fucking close and so damn sad.

I tried doing a psychache scale tonight. It was fine until the last four questions. Then I couldn’t distinguish between my physical pain from my psychological pain because my foot was acting up at the time. As I read the questions, my pain just screamed at me. The total score was 54, which is mediocre. I am on the cusp of a suicidal crisis. But because my therapist and I have basically called a damn “truce”, I can’t discuss this with her. It makes me angry that I have these suicidal feelings and I can’t talk about them openly with her because we are trying to work things out between us. But I can talk about my feelings here because that is what my blog is about. Being suicidal and talking about it. Because if I didn’t have this outlet, I think I would act on my feelings. Or be in dire straights at this hour. With this blog, I can tell people I am suicidal and it’s okay to talk about it. I am not going to get shunned for it. I just want to die because my feelings at the moment feel that way. I know this will pass and I will feel better in the morning. But right now it sucks like all hell and being hyper isn’t helping. I don’t want to reach out because I know I will fall asleep soon. I am already starting to feel sedated from the meds I took (nothing in extreme). I might send this blog to my therapist so she knows what kind of night I am having. Maybe I won’t because it might freak her out. I am tired of being in pain both psychologically and physically. Right now, it is not at the point where it is unbearable but I don’t want to feel either. I have resources to me when I feel this way but I don’t feel like using them. I am too tired to explain why I am in pain and want to take my life. They won’t understand psychache and constriction and perturbation. No one understands it except Shneidman. But he is dead and there is nothing I can do about it. He was the person that taught me about this stuff. Reduce the pain, reduce the suicidality. Question is how to reduce the pain when nothing works on it. The reality is that you need to uncover what the person’s needs are in this moment of crisis and try to alleviate them as best you can. If they need validation, validate them. If they need affiliation, affiliate them. If they need understanding, show it to them. Ask them where do they hurt and how can I help you? It doesn’t take rocket science to figure this out. My heart is breaking into a thousand pieces because I don’t feel validated or understood.
Meds are taking over now so I am going to go to sleep and hopefully not wake up to this nightmare of feelings.

Quote of the Day 2 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, Quotes, suicide

Suicide should not be misunderstood as hostility directed toward the introjected love object; but rather suicide is better understood as anguish over the plight of the writhing self. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

finally able to go out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I finally was able to go out today. I picked up my prescription and bought a couple of necessities, including Reese’s candy that was on sale. It was a debate between peanut butter cups and Kit Kats, but peanut butter always wins. I also got toothpaste because we were running low. Walgreens had the one that I wanted 2/$6 yet the same size in a two pack was for $6.99. I thought that was weird. So I saved a buck. I came home okay. I was hurting more walk to Walgreens than going home. I feel pretty good, though my ankle is acting up a little bit. But I got out of the house for the first time since Wednesday.

I got a surprised text from Twitter. Apparently, the blog that I sent to a Twitter buddy got picked up by a mental health advocate and she placed the blog in her blog/paper. It was cool to see my blog get circulated in this fashion.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping. Stupid McAfee wouldn’t reinstall itself and I had to get tech support to do their clean up sweep so it would be a “fresh” install. I had also read “Suicide as Psychache” and that got the gears turning toward how to have my therapist help me during a suicidal crisis, which prompted me to send out the blog to my Twitter buddies. The part I was reading was about needs. Frustrated needs lead to perturbation, which can lead to lethality if an individual’s level is high enough. That is Shneidman’s theory, anyway. I have found it to be true for me because if I am not feeling validated or understood, my suicidality can increase very quickly. So here it was after 0200 and I can’t sleep. I have all these ideas running through my head plus the frustration of not having McAfee installed. I was able to come down to a little blog called Modal needs. Everyone has them. It’s what drives us. But the vital needs, if thwarted or frustrated, causes perturbation and suicidality. There are only a certain number of the twenty that are vital to the individual. My needs may not be the same as someone else’s.

And then I got thinking, how to convey this to my goofy therapist in a way that she understands it and is able to lower the frustration so I don’t plan on killing myself. I never got around to this. I stayed up with McAfee’s tech support, shut the computer down and the Ativan finally let me sleep. Tomorrow if my back cooperates, I will go to Starbucks and work on this new frustrated needs blog. I also, while reading, got some more quotes for my “Quote for the Day” blogs. This book is loaded with them.

I still need to get a haircut. I am hoping the barber shop I usually go to is open tomorrow. I will try and get my hair cut before going to Starbucks to work on this blog. I’d work on it now but I don’t have the brain power to do it. I need coffee and an inviting atmosphere. I work better when I am at Starbucks than I do from my room.

I got an email from Kindle saying that one of the payments failed to go through so I should be getting a little bit of money from them tomorrow. I like when I get royalty payments.

Had BPD Chat. I don’t know why I bother trying to participate. No one really responds to my inquiries or statements. It’s just so frustrating. Today’s topic was “Emptiness”. I have been feeling empty since the depression has gotten worse the past few weeks. I feel it so bad it’s almost physical, like I have no organs inside, like I am an empty shell of a being. It’s awful to feel this way all the time. I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything. It just hurts and there is nothing you can do about it. I have tried telling my psychiatrist this but nothing gets said about it. I makes me feel worse when other people in the chat feel that way yet don’t respond back to my support or anything. I just don’t know why I bother. Maybe I should just stop attending.

Quote of the Day 1 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide

Wilhelm Stekel and the other early psychoanalysts  (1910 and after) overstated the case when they pro claimed that no one [dies by] suicide who has not wished the death of another; that suicide is basically hostility directed toward the image of a loved one incorporated within the psyche. Not only is this explanation often off the mark, but even more, the individual who [dies by] suicide usually does not even wish to kill himself.
Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache