Tag: psychache

Early Morning Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I finally got some decent sleep but I wish I slept a little later. I am going to have breakfast and then maybe go back to sleep. I need to drink a lot of fluid today because I am getting my blood drawn tomorrow and I don’t want there to be any problems finding my veins. I hate getting my blood drawn but hopefully they will draw the right amount of tubes and I won’t have to correct them. I know what needs to be drawn because I used to work in the lab. I should just have three tubes drawn. Any more than that and I will make a fuss. I got to find out when the lab opens tomorrow. I really don’t want to be fasting all day because I know I will forget and eat something.

Last night I got to thinking about my sessions with my therapist. She is the only therapist I know that offered me multiple sessions during the week. I normally see her twice a week but sometimes, because of my suicidality, we will meet three times. She wants to keep an eye on me at all costs. I can’t even go without texting her for periods. It’s become such a habit to text her when I am in the deepest of despair. As I thought about this, I also thought, what if she didn’t see me so much? I wonder if I would be here. I have been fortunate that my insurance hasn’t interfered with my therapy. I don’t have any limit on sessions. I think if I did, things would be so hard. I know not everyone can have multiple sessions with their therapist for various reasons. I guess someone really wants me to be here even if I don’t want to be.

Game is on early today. I don’t like day games because it makes the night time seem longer. I guess I will just be doing more reading as there will be nothing to listen to except music. I have to have a little music playing while I read. It keeps away the voices from asking me questions.

I was struggling last night. My psychiatrist emailed me back and asked how I was doing. I started writing back and then I felt immensely suicidal. It was weird because I wasn’t feeling depressed when I was writing to her. I didn’t tell her I was feeling this way. I knew it would only worry her more. I have tried not to think about suicide the past few days because I didn’t want to feel it. Now it’s coming in waves. I don’t know why this is. I am not feeling horribly depressed. I still am feeling somewhat good, though not at the level I was earlier this past week. I don’t know if I am cycling and that worries me because it usually brings with it mixed states. I hate mixed states. They always make things worse.

I think I have the thoughts of killing myself because I really think it is my destiny to die that way. They have been apart of me for so long that I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like an addiction, except you don’t get high. You just are constantly surrounded by your thoughts and planning. Planning gives me an escape. It forces me to compartmentalize the suicidal stuff so I can go about doing other things and make it appear that I am “okay”.

I don’t know when planning became my escape route. It has always been there for as long as I can remember. It didn’t solidify until one day I snapped. Even then, I had planned a date well in advanced so that I could have time to think things through. The hard part was keeping this from my therapist because I was so determined to end my life. I still try to do it but I fail miserably. I cannot lie to save my life, literally. So when she asked me what is going on, really, really what is going on, I had to think about what I wanted to say to her. I gave myself a good 24 hours to think about this, then I called her and asked for an extra session. I think that is when we started talking more often at that point.

An Oxymoron

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

I had an interesting conversation with my psychiatrist tonight. She confirmed I am on the right meds and that comforted me. I told her I was a little hypo and she said to let her know how things go. She wasn’t going to make any changes and I wasn’t asking for one. These things need to ride themselves out, as I have learned over the years. Medication isn’t always the answer to every problem that you face.

My mood was all over the place today. I got really irritable and angry over someone’s comment that they left on my blog today. I don’t know why it bothered me so. I had a long conversation with the voices over this. It helped to air it out and once I did, I wasn’t as agitated. Then I got a stupid migraine and that made me scared. My face went numb within minutes and my eye felt like it was going to pop. I took my migraine pill and waited anxiously for the pain to subside. I had just started to read a research article when my eyes went blurry and the migraine started. I guess I will read that article tomorrow. I am not in the same mood I was in before the migraine hit. After the migraine subsided and I was feeling better, I read some more of Harry Potter. Hogwarts got me the escape I was looking for. Reading has been suggested by a doctor who does man therapy. If you look it up, it is pretty dumb. But men need something stupid to be able to laugh at themselves and break up their manliness. I know I do at times. I don’t know if his particular therapy has helped men but I took his suggestion of reading a book to escape to relax.

I also told my pdoc about my sleeping habits as of late. Three to four hours a night I have been getting, which doesn’t help someone with Bipolar illness. I am lucky I can sleep during the day to try and catch up but I don’t always. Sometimes napping causes more trouble. I never feel rested unless I have a six hour nap. I usually am able to get one over the weekends usually. I don’t know why that is. I tend to sleep better during day time hours than at night anyways. I am a night owl. The funny thing is, I was never really able to work a night shift. By 4 or 5, I was so tired that I needed sleep. And if I got it on my break, I usually slept for an hour, which was against the rules. One time I think I slept for two hours and my supervisor wasn’t happy. But I no longer work so I can stay up till whatever time and sleep all day if I want to.

Today is my therapist’s birthday so I will be texting her a lot. I will stop once she texts back a “thank you”. I can be a pain in the ass, too! She always makes a big deal out of my birthday so it’s payback.

My ankle is really hurting me for all the walking I did today. I have a bum ankle due to nerve damage that I got when a disc exploded in my back. The disc compressed the nerve that controls the muscles in my ankle and foot. I never was able to regain the strength in my foot after surgery. That was 14 years ago. If I didn’t get strength back in the first two years, I am certainly not going to now. What I am left with is pain due to a pain syndrome no one can identify. Some have called it complex regional pain syndrome, others have just called it tendonitis. But if it was tendonitis, rest and ice should have cured it by now and I have been resting it for three years. The pain has gotten a little better but on days like today where I was walking too much, it flares up and is hard to settle down without pain medication. I don’t know why they call it pain medication when the meds are supposed to relieve your pain, not cause it. Just an oxymoron, I suppose.

The article I was going to read before my migraine made it impossible was on the language of suicide. I am a suicidologist from the inside out. I love studying about suicide and read everything I can about the subject. I have the experience to go with it as I have attempted more than a few times. That is why I write this blog. It helps to write out my suicidal thoughts and feelings I am having in the moment. I know that if I don’t write about them, I am as good as dead. After I write my morose feelings, I usually send them to my pdoc and therapist, well sometimes just my therapist as I am afraid of sending them to my psychiatrist. I sent her a goodbye email once and that ended poorly. She sectioned me and I spent the next three weeks in the hospital. It wasn’t fun. The police came and when they couldn’t find me because the ambulance had already taken me to the hospital, they broke into my house by smashing a window. I was very upset. So I am hesitant to send my pdoc my suicidal writings.

It has been at least a month since my last writings. I haven’t really felt suicidal since I gave up the day I was going to kill myself. My therapist and psychiatrist were against the idea of me dying. Go figure. I still am angry with them for keeping me here. I had everything planned out, sort of. I knew how I was going to die, but I just didn’t know where. I didn’t want a family member to find me so that sort of kept me here. But the writing that I was doing before I gave up my date were my one outlet. Now they are gone and I don’t know if I will be that productive ever again.

Waking up Depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Waking up Depressed

There was no weird dream, or any dream, really, that made me feel depressed when I woke up this morning. I don’t know why I feel depressed at this hour. The day hasn’t even started. I was reading about a friend of mine that killed himself a little over six months ago. A friend had written the most beautiful story about him. It was found out that my friend that died, actually did suffer from depression, something I didn’t know. I was never close to him. Just an acquaintance from long ago when our lives were just starting out. We never hung out while we were adults. I never really hung out with him as a young one either. But he was special. I had suffered my depression, in silence and alone. No one knew the depths of my depression. I always tried to keep it hidden from people. It just was not talked about.

My therapist and psychiatrist are probably the only two people on the planet that have seen my horrible, suicidal depressions. I can’t say that I am suicidal right now as I still am trying to wake up. I need breakfast and coffee. Maybe then my depression that I feel right now will lift some. I just feel really down and like the walls are closing in around me. I haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks because she has been on vacation. I see her Tuesday but that day seems so far away from now. I’m starting to feel hopeless that I will ever get “better”. I don’t even know what that means. People always talk about recovery with mental illness, but I have yet to experience it. My mood always seems to go from one extreme to back to my low level depression and stay there. I don’t experience job or happiness. I don’t know what those are anymore. With my disability check this month, I decided to “spoil” myself and get the Harry Potter book collection. I felt I had earned that since I just came out of yet another suicidal depression. I was to kill myself on the 17th of this month. It got foiled because I told my therapist and my psychiatrist I was suicidal. If I didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here, writing this blog.

My depressions have gotten worse as I get older. They last longer and are deeper than they were when I was younger. I have been suffering from these depressions since I was 15, but probably longer than that. I didn’t receive the help that I need until I was in my teens. That was when I had enough and wanted to die. I still want to die. I can’t imagine living this life yet I just continue to exist. It is a painful existence. It feels like my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces and I don’t know why that is. I just feel really down. I have no interest in doing anything today, even though I have to go pick up my prescription. I am totally out of this medication that I need. I am also out of my vitamin D, but that should come in tomorrow. If I am able to borrow my sister’s car, I will try and go out today, but I can’t make any promises. It’s just a struggle to get dressed and ready to do things outside the house. It is tiring when you already feel like you have no energy or motivation. But I got to do it, even though I feel lousy. Maybe while I am at the pharmacy, I can go food shopping and get my favorite burgers. I haven’t had a burger in a few weeks. It is my favorite food, aside from pizza. BallPark came out with burger patties that are very good and easy to make. I like food that is easy to make as I can’t really cook. I need specific instructions/recipe to cook. I am not like my mother that just puts the oven on and cooks for a half hour and then say the meal is done. She did that the other night to the French fries and fish she was making. It was soggy. I would have cooked it a little more so it was crispy. But then she doesn’t have teeth so need soft things.

I made my coffee and had some left over Chinese food for “breakfast”. I didn’t feel like making eggs so I just had something that was already cooked. Even making the simplest things are hard when you are depressed. I used to love making an egg for breakfast, usually fried or scrabbled, with cheese on toast. But when you think of all that you have to do to make it, put the bread in the toaster, get the butter for the pan, crack the egg, season the egg, etc., it is tiring when you are feeling low. Even my coffee is hard when I am this depressed. I have to measure out the coffee, boil the water, get my favorite mug that I use, put two sugars in the cup. Pour the water after it boils. Wait 4 long minutes for the grounds to brew. I am ready for a nap and I haven’t even done anything strenuous. Lately, coffee hasn’t been doing its magic. It’s more like taking a sedative. I am up for a little while and then I crash and need a nap desperately. I don’t know why that is. And I am drinking quality coffee, Starbucks! It is the only coffee I will drink because it is the one that I can make using my French press.

I am looking forward to my therapist being back this week. I hope she can do her thing that gives me hope so it drives away the hopelessness away. Until then, I guess I will have to suffer through this horrible depression, again, alone.

Fall Apart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Fall Apart

I printed off some stuff for my therapist. It’s only been a few days that she has been gone, but I already miss her. I am really bored and can’t sleep. I keep thinking about how she will be devastated if I were to harm myself while she is gone. It’s holding me back but I don’t know for how long. Things are really tough for me right now.

I feel like I am falling apart. It’s killing me knowing that I can’t end my life this week, or possibly, ever. I am too much of a coward. I spent the night following the All Star Game on Twitter. It didn’t ease my ache. It’s after midnight now and I can’t help thinking about taking my life. I know that I should just go to bed but the thoughts keep swirling like a hurricane. I had a bad headache earlier this evening, but it seems to have dissipated. I took some Advil and it went away. I wish it took the heartache away, too. AL won so they will have home field advantage.

I had posted something about “stopping the use of committed suicide” on my blog yesterday. It was a successful reblog. My cousin read the article and she was grateful as her brother died by suicide in 1998. I didn’t know this. I feel bad for her. I see her soon, I hope. She invited me to a party in August.

I am emerged in suicide tonight. I can’t help thinking about it. But it’s getting late and I should be sleeping instead of falling apart. I hate my life and what it has become. I am tired of being in pain all the time. I am tired of fighting my deepest, darkest wishes. I just wish to be gone. There is no hope for me here. I am a useless SOB.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I am going nuts. All I can think about is death and dying. I really want to die. I wouldn’t mind it if a bus ran me over right now. Though it will be strange for a bus to run me over while I am in my room. Maybe tomorrow it can happen. Or should I say, later today. I just know I don’t want to be here anymore. I am too tired to go on living this way. It’s horrible to be in pain like this and not have a remedy to ease the heartache. I don’t even know what is causing me this pain. It just came on so suddenly and took my breath away. I hate when this happens and there is nothing I can do but listen to music and take an Ativan and hope for sleep. I am so exhausted and I didn’t do anything today to make me exhausted like I am. It’s like I pulled hard labor but I didn’t. Most I did was walk a few blocks to pick up my niece. It was like walking one big block from home to school and back. I usually don’t walk that far because it hurts my ankle. But the weather was really warm and it wore me out walking. I am not even 40 yet and I get so tired so easily. It’s pathetic. I wish my plan were on for Friday. I would end my life then and it would finally be over with. I wouldn’t wake up anymore. I just pass out and die. I won’t say how I will die. I just hope that I do die soon. I pray for death just like those slaves on the plantations that were treated cruelly. But I doubt it. I have a long genes in my family. Hell, my father is 83 and his sister is 91. I don’t want to live that long. I think 39 is a ripe old age.