Random 145

Last night as I was reading Twitter, I came across a tweet by one of the psychologists I follow. He is big on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I read the article in his tweet, written by the Wall Street Journal, rather than a more reputable medical source. I was skeptical and sure enough I had reason to be. The article was on back pain and for a whopping $17,000 you can have this new form of therapy called “Functional restorative therapy”. It’s a combination of physical therapy and psychotherapy (CBT) to help you basically learn to live with the pain after other medical treatments have failed. I am not against CBT, but I am against the other stuff as someone with my condition, Cauda Equina Syndrome, might not be able to do their exercises and stretches because we no longer have the strength to do so. The article fails to mention this and when I said that this method needs more research, this psychologist went off on me, wanting to know why I said what I did. For fucks sake. I have been living with CES for the past 15 years almost. Been through almost every type of physical therapy out there. I don’t think it would be right for me and might actually harm me. The CBT might be helpful and after I said this, he settled down. That is all he wanted me to say. He is a real trouble maker as when you go against HIS views he starts an argument. I don’t know why I continue to follow him. I should mute him.

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up around 0230 and then went back to sleep around 0300. Then I woke up a few hours later. I thought I would sleep till at least 0900 but nope. My bladder put those dreams to rest. I am so tired and the day hasn’t even started yet. I really want a coffee. But I will be leaving in about an hour to have my Starbucks. Yesterday, I tried a vanilla soy latte and I really liked it. I am going to have another one today. I think I will have time to write in my journal and eat a pop tart. I like the cherry and smores. I forgot to buy the smores kind so all I have is cherry.

Last night I told my sister I will be going to the neurosurgeon next week. I hope she doesn’t tell my mother. I don’t need them to worry right before Christmas. This morning my back feels ok, but then I haven’t started to do anything that would aggravate it. It’s cold this morning and is not supposed to go beyond the 40s today. I might wear my Red Sox jacket but I am not sure if that will be too warm. It’s a lightweight jacket but really insulated. I like being warm but hate being too warm.

My therapist told me she finagled the bagel and will be working on my birthday. I am going to try and get a Zipcar that day to see her. It will be good to see her before she goes on vacation. I just realized that both my psychiatrist and therapist will be gone the week following Christmas. This sucks.

My Thoughts on the Language of Suicidology and the Tower of Babel

My Thoughts on the Language of Suicidology and the Tower of Babel

I finally read the “Language of Suicidology” by Morton Silverman (Silverman, 2006). Silverman has been in the suicide field for years. He has written countless books and articles on the subject of suicide. In this article, I found a few interesting things. One is there is no such thing as the language of suicide that encompasses the whole discipline or even the different disciplines that suicide falls into. Things like suicide attempt or suicide gesture mean completely different things to different people. There is no forward definition on the subject. In O’Carroll et al. work (O’Carroll et al., 1996), the Tower of Babel, state that “’attempted suicide’ is meaningless”. Does it mean someone intended to die with an act that put their life in danger, hurt themselves without the intent to die, or just thought about the intent to die? Everyone has their own opinion on what this term means. Dr. Silverman pointed out that there was a study with expert suicidologists and then general mental health clinicians to find out if they could identify among ten vignettes which were deemed an attempted suicide. There was no consensus among either the suicidologists or the clinicians!! How is this term used so frequently yet has no definitive markers or insights is beyond my thoughts. I am sure you, as a reader of my blog, has your own opinion as to what is deemed a suicide attempt. But is it what the next person will think? Even among self-reports, there are no guidelines as to what makes a suicide attempt. Is it a few extra pills of Tylenol? A deep slash on the wrist that required stitches and a hospital stay? Or an overdose that didn’t require medical attention at all?

The one thing that I can take away from this paper is that his idea of “died by suicide” is golden. It is gaining ground in the suicide community to replace “committed suicide” or completed suicide. Other than that, there is no other message in the paper to help the understanding of the terms of suicide or even suicidality, a term that he wanted to get rid of all together. I use suicidality a lot in my blog. It encompasses the whole suicidal thoughts, behaviors, cognition, and emotion that I feel when I want to end my life. It might not mean anything to anyone else, but it means something to me. But he states that this word is not going away anytime soon.

If the experts can’t figure out what is meant by attempted suicide, how can the rest of the world? It means so much to different people yet in the clinical world it hardly means anything if there isn’t a nomenclature about it. What I found interesting was the synonyms for suicide attempt (SA): cry for help, courting death, life threatening behavior, near fatal SA, suicidal manipulation, near lethal suicide, risk taking behavior. And what is meant by suicidality? There is no clear definition of it. To me, it encompasses the cognition, behavior, and emotion of suicide, but it might not be the same to someone else. Does it mean someone is suicidal? What is meant by that? There were fifteen different definitions of suicide. Fifteen! All were mostly similar. The shortest one was “self-initiated, intentional death”. There was a definition by the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, but I found that the definition to be confusing and wordy. The author of this article also had a definition, “suicide is, by definition, not a disease, but a death that is caused by self-inflicted intentional action or behavior”. If so many people define suicide differently than someone else, how can there be any consensus?

The one take away from this article was “committed suicide” should be taken away and “died by suicide” should be used. I was happy to see that. Also was glad to see possible terms to be removed: nonfatal suicide, committed suicide, completed suicide, failed attempt, failed completion, and fatal suicide attempt.

Part 1 and 2 of Revisiting the Tower of Babel

Since O’Carroll’s paper in 1996, there have been no definitive terms for suicide, suicide attempt, suicide gesture, self harm, or suicide threat. Efforts have been made but no two researchers have consistently used the same term. In the following, I will give the background of what has been used and what was “taken away”.

Silverman et al. (Silverman, Berman, Sanddal, O’Carroll, & Joiner, 2007a) have stated “’suicide’ refers not to a single action but more broadly to a great many varied behaviors” (p248). And as such, no single term defines the complex set of behaviors that suggests someone being suicidal. Here are my thoughts on this paper and the outcome of their process that was made to be simple in mind but proved difficult.

The background for this is as follows:

“Measures of suicide and nonfatal suicidal behavior continue to be hindered by the lack of 1) standard nomenclature; 2) clear operational definitions; 3) standardized lethality measures” (p249). While this is true, my feeling is that if a researcher/clinician defines what is meant by these terms in their measurement in their study, it will be defined as such so no confusion exists in that paper. Though I understand the complexity it will have among different studies, there are no set guidelines. In the many papers I have read in over the past 11 years since this paper has come into print, O’Carroll (1996) has been cited as the standard definition of the terms of suicide and suicide attempt. He distinguished suicidal behaviors by three characteristic features: intent to die, evidence of self-injury, and outcome (injury, no injury, death). A number of researchers have adopted this nomenclature in their studies (see article for the list). Even the American Psychiatric Association has acknowledged and adopted the definitions set by O’Carroll et al. in their implementation of practice guidelines for the assessment and treatment of patients with suicidal behaviors. The only reason why this hasn’t been formally adopted is because of the new terms they have proposed. It should stop here but let us continue with their insight into the definitions of suicidal behaviors.

One of the new terms proposed was “instrumental suicide-related behavior (ISRB)”. O’Carroll et al. thought this would be a better term than suicidality. However, as we will see, suicidality has been used more frequently to describe the whole of suicide, suicide attempts, behaviors relating to suicide, and self-harm (NSSI).

As stated above with Silverman’s paper, there is still confusion about the terms suicidal behavior, deliberate self-harm, suicide-related behavior, parasuicide, and suicidality. It is important to recognize that suicide and its subsequent behaviors are not a disorder or diagnosis. The motivation to die and prepare to die by self-jury do not necessarily place an individual at either acute or high risk for suicide. There has been much debate about what constitutes intent. It has been suggested that “intent implies an action to change the future while “motivation” implies an effort to affect interpersonal relations and a change in social milieu”(p254). Their position is that “intent refers to the aim, purpose, or goal of the behavior” (p254). I believe the latter to be the simpler definition of intent and “connote a conscious desire or wish to leave (or escape from) life as we know it” (p254). We also need to bear in mind that intent is fluid and changes from minute to minute.

The authors also explored the relationship between intent and lethality. They concluded “the presence of intent assumes 1) a desire or wish to die as a conscious experience; 2) knowledge of risk associated with a behavior; 3) some perception that means or methods are available to achieve the desired outcome (suicide attempt); 4) some knowledge about how to use means or method” (p255). Without knowing intent, it becomes impossible to know the different types of suicide related behaviors and self-injurious behaviors. The end result of this was to reorganize to three categories: no intent, uncertain intent, and intent. Regarding lethality, most clinicians think that high medical lethality suggests high intent even though high intent doesn’t always suggest high lethality.

Another term they deemed not to include in their nomenclature was “suicide gesture”. It’s ambiguity about it being a threat with low intent or behavior that is self-inflicted but not suicidal in nature makes it a precursor to suicide attempt but not with intention (p256). The common theory is ultimately that it simply means an action was taken with the intent to die not withstanding. It implies a suicidal act but because the intent was low, it doesn’t mean it. It can just be termed as self-harm behavior.

The term suicidality is used to encompass a wide range of thoughts, behaviors, and ideation of suicide and related behaviors. The authors chose not to avoid the term even though some authors use the term to describe the “totality of suicide-related ideation and behaviors” (P257). It has become a popular term even though it is not yet in the dictionary. Therefore the authors decided to stick with suicide-related ideations, suicide-related behaviors, and added the ridiculous term, suicide-related communication. Now that is simplifying things!

Even though the term “suicide attempt” was chosen to be extinguished from the vocabulary but still remains in the literature, it still does not have a clear definition though it has been suggested to mean “a high likelihood of death as a well as a true intent to kill oneself” (p258). As there can be varying degrees of attempts, part 2 of this article suggests typifying them into categories of type I and type II. Suicide Attempt, Type I is when no injury occurs. Type II is when injury occurs. Suicide is when death occurs.

Part 2 of (Silverman, Berman, Sanddal, O’Carroll, & Joiner, 2007b) is utter nonsense and had no meaning in defining anymore than what is already known. The term they tried to typify are the behavior, threat, plan, and ideation of suicide. For example, terms such as accidental suicide becomes self-inflicted unintentional death, completed suicide becomes suicide, intentional self harm or injury becomes self harm type I and II. And the term instrumental self-related behavior becomes suicide threat type I-III. (see the exhaustive list in the paper for definition).

A suicide plan is a proposed method of carrying out a method that leads to a self-injurious outcome (p268). That is something that I can agree on.

In closing, the authors quote Dr. Jamison (Jamison, 1999) as stating “all suicide classification and nomenclature systems are to a greater or lesser extent, flawed; and all or most all will have points that are well or uniquely taken” (p27;275). I take that to interpret that people will take what they will as it suits them and leave the rest as it lies.

Jamison, K. R. (1999). Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide: Alfred Knopf.

O’Carroll, P. W., Berman, A. L., Maris, R. W., Moscicki, E. K., Tanney, B. L., & Silverman, M. M. (1996). Beyond the Tower of Babel: A Nomenclature for Suicidology. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 26(3), 237-252.

Silverman, M. M. (2006). The Language of Suicidology. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 36(5), 519-532. doi: 10.1521/suli.2006.36.5.519

Silverman, M. M., Berman, A. L., Sanddal, N. D., O’Carroll, P. W., & Joiner, T. E. (2007a). Rebuilding the Tower of Babel: A Revised Nomenclature for the Study of Suicide and Suicidal Behaviors Part 1: Background, Rationale, and Methodology. Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior, 37(3), 248-276.

Silverman, M. M., Berman, A. L., Sanddal, N. D., O’Carroll, P. W., & Joiner, T. E. (2007b). Rebuilding the Tower of Babel: A Revised Nomenclature for the Study of Suicide and Suicidal Behaviors Part 2: Suicide-Related Ideations, Communications, and Behaviors. Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior, 37(3), 264-277.

Love/Hate Relationship with Therapy

Love/Hate Relationship with Therapy

There are times when I like my therapist. When she is supportive and understanding, it’s easy to like her. Sometimes the like turns to love because she means so much to me. It is at these times when I value our relationship the most. My therapist is very dear to me but then, like tonight, she will say something that makes me hate her. Mostly, this is around her not wanting me to kill myself. I feel trapped by this, and so the love I feel turns to hate. It is not a quick thing to happen. I don’t have oscillating feelings toward my therapist. It is only when I am suicidal and she wants me to live that I really hate her.

It wasn’t always this way. I never really knew how she felt about me till we were four years into our relationship. I call it a relationship for lack of a better word. In 2005, I was severely depressed and snapped. I wanted to die very badly and was planning on ending my life sometime that November. It was one of the lowest points in my life. When I finally confided in her what I was planning, which was not easy to do, she got really upset. I couldn’t bare to see her that upset. In fact, no one till that point in my life was ever upset with me for being suicidal. Her fear of losing me made her cry and I just could not tolerate it. I still cannot tolerate it. It messes with my head. Since then, the love/hate began. The love is just the kind that people have with one another. I told her I hated her tonight and she welcomed it. She said that I could hate her till eternity if it meant keeping me alive. But I don’t like hating someone that I really care for. It hurts me. It causes me mental anguish that drives me crazy. I can’t stay hateful for long. I’m not that type of person. And I do love her more than I hate her. She brings me joy and a little bit of hope every time we talk. I need these things or I will attempt to take my life.

I feel trapped by her love. To her, I can do no wrong. I am not a bad person in her eyes. I told her to read a blog that I wrote that I think is triggering to people. She doesn’t know where I came from, that I always think of others before myself. I write horribly dark, depressing things. But this piece of work is really troubling me. It’s extremely profound in darkness and depression. I want her to read it with a professional’s eye. I want her opinion from her psychologist’s mind, not her love for me. Yes, she loves me, too. It makes me uncomfortable at times. But it also makes me kind of feel unsafe. Because if I love her back and she loves me, that just opens a can of worms I don’t want to open. I don’t want to get hurt again by a therapist. I have been hurt ten times by former therapists and she is my last straw. I know that if we break up, it will kill me. After fourteen years together, it will be extremely hard to start over with someone new.

My suicidality has always been a gatekeeper. She feels that I should have more sessions because I am suicidal. More is sometimes not better. But she wants to know what is happening in my life all the time.

My psychiatrist I have known for more than twenty years. I feel closer to her than I do my therapist because of our long standing relationship. I sometimes think of my pdoc as a mother figure in my life. She is proud of me and my accomplishments, even though I never went to med school like we hoped. That is another story for another blog.

My pdoc is the best. She really gets me, sometimes better than my therapist. I don’t know if she loves me. I know she cares deeply about me. We have been through some tough times together. She is my rock. I know I do love her, but in a way a son love their mothers.

My therapist and I love each other as people do. We truly care for one another. I guess the same can be said about my pdoc, thought we have never discussed our feelings for one another. She is strictly professional in this regard, not to say my goofy therapist isn’t. There are boundaries. I respect both of my treaters. I don’t think I have ever hated my pdoc. The only time that I might have was when she sectioned me a few years ago after I sent her a dark email and she couldn’t get in touch with me. I knew it was out of concern for my safety but that doesn’t mean I had to like it.

My therapist has never sectioned me or made me go to the ER. My pdoc doc knows that I will usually take myself to the ER when I am in a dark place. My therapist will just tack on another session. My pdoc would do the same when I am at my worst points. Sometimes, I would see my pdoc weekly rather than biweekly because she was concerned about my safety. Both of these professionals know me pretty well. I have known them a long time and I am grateful they include me in their treatment plan rather than saying this is how it is going to be. That doesn’t work for me and they know it. I have to be in control of my treatment in order for it to work. And if this helps save a life, then so be it.

Twenty-Three Years

Twenty-three years

Today marks twenty-three years that I have sought help for my depression and self-destructiveness. I actually didn’t seek help straight out. My English teacher noticed I was upset and pulled me aside and saw the marks on my wrist that I had made the night before. She then told me to stay after class, something no teacher has ever told me to do before. She took me to the nurse’s office. We chatted. I told her about what happened at my house the last two nights and how much I just wanted to die. She called my mother, who then took me to the local counseling center. By then, I told them “nothing was wrong” and that I was “okay”. I declined treatment and went on with my day. Daily visits to the nurse’s office became more frequent. I just stopped in to check in and told her what was going on. She wanted me to see someone so the following week I agreed to see the school counselor. Thus started my official journey into psychotherapy.

It hasn’t been an easy road. For the first ten years, I had a different therapist nearly every year. I think the only time I had two years was with the psych resident that wanted to see me or I would still be in the hospital. I went through a lot with this psychiatrist in training. While in her care, I attempt suicide and ended up being in the hospital for two and half months. When she ended her residency, I went to another psych in training. He wasn’t as good as she was. In fact, he was terrible. I felt like he was more my brother than a therapist but when I told him I was procuring more medication to end my life, he asked me if I was suicidal. That is when I knew he was an idiot. I pretty much ended our relationship within a few weeks and saw someone else. She was good, had years experience. But after I had an argument with my sister and she wanted to know more about my sister’s social life than my anger, I ended things with her. I went about a month without seeing someone. I then decided to go back to my town’s local mental health center. I saw someone there for a year and again, she decided to move on after that year mark. We were finally connected and I felt so betrayed. I didn’t think I was going to see another person again. I don’t know what changed my mind. I knew I didn’t want to see someone else at the local mental health center. I wanted to see someone private. I figured they were less likely to leave their practice. And I luckily found my current therapist and we have been together for fourteen years. It is the longest relationship I have had, outside of my psychiatrist. I am lucky that I have had just one psychiatrist for my medication all these years. She does more than just prescribe my medication. She also does some therapy and is my sounding board for the various medical issues that I have. And I can’t wait to see her again in a week after not seeing her for four long months. It is going to be weird seeing her again.

I don’t know why I have stuck it out in therapy all these years, especially when things were at their worst. I have been beyond hopeless and yet my psych team (therapist and psychiatrist) always made me see another day, sometimes against my wishes.