Tag: psychosis

home, Finally

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Home, Finally

It has been a rough day. I woke up around 0430 in pain. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep after taking my pain meds. Despite feeling suicidal and having a crappy day yesterday, I was able to get discharged from the treatment team. To my surprise, they didn’t even ask if I was ready to go, they basically said I was going. I wanted to go home too.

I texted my cousin and she picked me up after lunch. It was really muggy out. We had to walk to the security building so I could get my wallet as I had it locked up when I got admitted. I didn’t want to risk someone stealing my money or credit cards. The floor gave me the wrong copy to retrieve it so they had to send someone with the right copy. We didn’t hit any traffic until we got to my main street. There was construction so there was backup. Taking the bus tomorrow is going to be fun.

I brought my mail and stuff up to my room and put the AC on soon as I settled down. It was quite hot in my room. I didn’t check the temp because I knew it was going to be high. I fiddled with Twitter and then I got some really sad news. The lead singer in my favorite band, Linkin Park, died by suicide. I was crushed. He was my age. The band just came out with a new album a few months ago and was set to start off a tour. It’s awful, so awful. I started tweeting out the suicide hotline and crisis text support number. One of my friends who I talked to this morning, messaged me to see if I heard. I told him I did and he came out with a meme. I asked him how he was doing as he liked the band as well. We were exchanging lyrics with the new album when it came out. I feel so devastated that there is not going to be anymore new music. Now I know how Nirvana fans felt when Kurt Cobain died.

I had a lot to eat today and my stomach is paying the price for it. I think the combination of the new med and Neurontin is sending my appetite into overdrive. All I want to do is eat. I hope now that I am home, I won’t be so hungry all the time as I will be back to my own routine, though having to make myself food every day is going to suck. But I rather make my own than be in the hospital.

I am so tired. Think I am going to go to bed early. Ankle is already starting to act up on me. Hope this isn’t going to be a long night. I see my psych tomorrow. I didn’t cancel the appt though I did want to. It’s going to be as hot tomorrow as it is today. Yuck.

Sleepy and painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychosis, transgender

I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. I had a flare up before I went to sleep which caused another psychotic episode. I was scared as the voices were so loud.

The staff woke me up around 815. I didn’t like that at all. Then my bladder said to get up so I did. I kind of missed breakfast so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I met with my social worker. She played voicemail tag with my therapist. Did I mention he is an idiot? He told her I was having conflicts at home that lead to my hospitalization. What those conflicts are, I have no idea. Guess he was paying more attention to his nails than telling him my pain was driving me nuts. I’m really pissed.

The covering doc saw me next and I told him I wanted a med change but was waiting for my doc to email me back. She was ok with it. I’ll be started on Invega tonight.

I went to group and during the group therapy I came out as trans. It felt good to have everyone’s support. Now hopefully they will use the right pronouns. 

I was really tired after lunch so I took a nap. I slept until some alarm went off. I thought it was the fire alarm so got up. By the time I put my sandals on, the sound stopped. I went back to sleep.

Pain had been up and down. Not too bad but it could get worse tonight. I’m still sleepy. I really don’t want to nap again so I made a cup of tea. I brought some with me as the hospital doesn’t have the kind I like. I kind of made it too sweet but oh well. I’ll know for next time to use two packets of sugar.

Long day at the hosp

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

I left my house at 600 and just got put in a room a little after 1930. I’m beat. Stupid people got my reasons why I was here all fucked up. They said I was hypomanic and agitated. Far from the truth. I’m more depressed than euphoric. Idiots.

I might have to see someone from medical for my ankle. Don’t know what they would do except ok my pain meds, which I haven’t had since 1330. I hope they gibe me them or its going to be a long night.

I have a lumpy bed. I already wish I was home. I honestly don’t think anything is going to get done while I’m here. But I’m hoping it resets my batteries.
Hey all, I’ve just taken my night meds and hopefully pain won’t keep me up. I’m settled in my room. I am in a single. Perks of being trans lol no one knows a damn thing about CRPS. I had to explain it to the admitting psychiatrist. Foot is swollen because it’s been down all day. I’m medicated so hopefully won’t wake up in the middle of the night. Damn pharmacy didn’t have my reg pain meds so I had to take my strong one. They were going to give me ibuprofen and I said no. Having a love/hate relationship right now being here

 try and post when I can.

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

My rough day continues. I made my coffee and then started preparing for the sauce/dirty gravy. I went to Walgreens for my scripts, leaving my coffee behind. It was still hot by the time I came back. I prepared the garlic, put oil in the pot, and then added the garlic. While that was going on, I tried opening the cans of tomatoes. I forgot the can opener was broken. I had to go back to Walgreens to buy a new one. By this time, the mugginess had gotten worse after the rain. I was a hot mess by the time I came back to the kitchen. I was out of spoons and I didn’t even start what I set out to do.

I sat down and rested for a few minutes, trying to drink my coffee. I had shut off the gas to the pan so I didn’t have to worry about burning the garlic. I still had my sneakers on as I didn’t want to go up to my room to take them off. After a while, my little toe on my good foot started hurting. Fucking A. I took them off, but left them by the stairs.

I opened the cans of tomatoes after the garlic browned a bit. Then I put them in the pan. Then I added a can and half of water. I also started putting in my spices and pepper. I added a half teaspoon of sugar and then stirred. I let it come to a boil. Next was to cook the beef. I didn’t want to wait an hour for the sauce to cook first. It would still taste the same. I cooked the beef, breaking it into little pieces as it cooked. Then the tomatoes came to a boil and I let it boil for about five minutes. In between, I was sitting down, resting my ankle. I had my music playing.

The beef was cooked and then I simmered the sauce on low heat. It was already starting to smell so good. I love the smell of gravy. Hint to anyone that makes candles, the scent would be awesome as a candle!! It just means home to me. I was letting the sauce cook as the beef was cooling. After about an hour, I put the beef into the sauce. I waited another 45 minutes or so and then it was done. Time to cook the pasta!

I made penne pasta and had two bowls. It was so good! Then I went up to my room to freeze my ass off. I was dead tired. A friend of mine started texting me so I talked with her for a bit. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore and took a nap. Now I am feeling MORE tired and weak. I absolutely have no energy left to put the gravy away in containers or clean up. My mother made a salad for suppah. Guess she didn’t want to cook. It’s so hot in the kitchen. Least with me going in the hosp, I will be surrounded by AC. I will bring my long sleeve shirt with me just in case I get cold but I love the cold anyway.

For some reason, my good foot is hurting me. It’s throbbing really bad. I thought sleeping would make it better but it didn’t. I took some Advil hoping that will calm whatever it is down. I might have slightly twisted it while walking in the rain this morning. I need to get new sneakers that are more supportive and comfortable. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow. I am sure cooking for a few hours didn’t help it.