Tag: psychotherapist

TIVO AND THERAPY

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I started the arduous process of transferring my Tivo recordings to the computer. Because my new laptop is new, I have to use my old laptop to transfer the data. I had to download a patch to get it to work. It can be very frustrating.

I had therapy today and did not like it. I had to talk most of the time because my idiot therapist wanted clarification of some things that I wrote on the blog the other day. I had to read it so she could take notes so we could talk about it. I was annoyed because I hate reading what I write. I found that it sucked what I wrote and there were stuff in it that did not make sense so now I have to go over it and fix it. I sent her my suicide attempt blog because she never reads her email, which has my blogs sent to it.

I don’t know if therapy is helping so much as it is just keeping me alive. My therapist and I have a connection that formed in 2005 and since then it has strengthened. though I sometimes wonder if she is a little bit too possessive of me. She was having mini heart attacks when I was going through trying to find another therapist near me. I think she was glad that I never found one and the one that I did was too scared of me to work out. I don’t know what it is that drives me crazy about her. I know she loves me and i love her to some degree and I think that is the problem. We don’t have a sexual love just a very intimate one, least that is what I think we have. I have been burned by so many therapists that even though I have been with this one for 12 yrs I just feel that she will be moving on even though she has not one inclination towards that. We have questioned whether this is right for us, even had a consult about it several times. there is just something I am missing and maybe the help thing was one of it that she picked up on and i am hesitant to ask. I don’t ask for help when I need it. I tried to kill myself at 10 and my mother knew but never got me the help that I needed. I somehow figured that I was left on my own to seek help and then when I got it, i got burned many times. She does help sometimes and sometimes she aggravates the fuck out of me. I have the letters to prove it!!

I know what you mean about the pain. It is when it lingers that it causes problems. I got so much pain, physical and mental, that I just don’t know what to do anymore so have decided that was it but I am still hesitant. My niece is 8 and i dread how my sister is going to tell her I am no longer here and that kind of keeps me going to NOT want to end it but then I get the whole friggen burden thing and think she will be better off without me in her life.

Just wish I knew what my purpose was. Been thinking of what kind of ideas people have when they think of suicide prevention. Yea you can know the warning signs but not everyone will fit into them. What will you say other than you need help? Like if someone unknown to you asks the suicide question or hints around it and you help them out for that day does it really lead to prevention when another person is too guarded to ask for help or even tell someone about it? It drives me crazy thinking about it and then I want to ask these people, like the prez of AAS how can you prevent something you don’t have control of? Even Shniedman said that he would not want to live in a world that is free from suicide. I am rambling…

why should I live again?

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Bus saga continues

Today I get on the bus and of course it’s the same lady with the 3 wheeled stoller that was talking shit about disability. This time she was the rude was one as she was blocking the damn isle with the fucking stroller. People couldn’t get by without doing cartwheels. How fucking rude. Then a man who is slightly mentally disabled comes on and spills his coffee on the passenger next to him who was helping him trying to open it. I see this guy on the same bus. I am just going to wait for the next bus. I can’t stand this idiot. He is rude and belligerent. Always calls the bus driver an asshole. But he is never the problem. Everyone else is.

Talked with my therapist today. She got my letters and my CAMS paper. She gets it so I guess I have not lost my knack of telling things in simple terms. But I still feel like I have. We also talked about my upcoming plan to kill myself. She was trying to get me to see that I have something to live for but I told her, I just don’t care anymore. If I don’t try this time I will feel like the biggest loser in world. I have to do this. I am determined to do this. Nothing can really change my mind. She wants me to see her. She feels that maybe if we have a session face to face it will bring some connection back. Now I got to plan this out as I just can’t take my sister’s car whenever I want it. I mean I could if she is working and not using it but sometimes she takes her husband’s new truck and I just don’t feel comfortable driving it. I have yet to drive this vehicle. I don’t know why. I want to drive an F150 and if I can’t drive a Jeep, why bother with the F150 truck?

I feel that I am getting in the blinders and constriction of my suicidal thinking mode. It’s starting to become everything I thinking of. But I can’t kill myself now. I have to wait. I don’t know what I am truly waiting for but I know that I just can’t do it now. I don’t have true will power to do it. But it is starting to be on my mind more frequently than I like. I often wonder what the questions would be if I called the suicide hotline. I know they would assess my risk and then tell me to call back later if I felt I was in greater danger. I can’t stand that.

I just read some thing by my twitter friend @unsuicide. She just posted something about hopekits and such. I have been thinking about making one but I think why bother. It might help in the interim but I don’t think it will help in the long term. My suicidality is just too great.

I have been thinking about writing the paper about April and suicide risk but I would have to dig into the statistics and such. I actually forgot what the numbers were. I knew them at one point. My brain has just turned to mush. All it can think about is other stuff about suicide prevention but yet I can’t take it. I feel like such a hypocrite. Here I am saying what to do when someone is suicidal yet here I am suicidal and I don’t do any of that stuff. It’s not that I don’t do it because it is bullshit. I just don’t think it applies to me. I have been there many times. I have had too many hospitalizations that were worthless and made me more frustrated than before I entered. The whole system is backwards. I can’t stand it. And because I don’t have a degree I can’t change it or try to. And it’s my fault I don’t have a degree. I can’t blame anyone else. If I was smarter and less prone to mental breakdowns I would have had my degree by now, or at least closer to it. But no. I get the fuck its and my life is now over. There is no stopping me unless I win the lottery or something major shifts in my life, like they find a cure for CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I just tell my doc that the vicoden works for me but in reality it doesn’t really do much anymore. It takes some of the pain away but it comes back when it wears off. I had evidence of that last night. I took two vicoden with my night time meds and then got my second wind around midnight. By then, the pain meds wore off and I needed to take some more around two in the morning because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I can tolerate pain but when it becomes more than a 7 on a scale of 1-10, I have to take something before it gets out of control. Right now I am ok. But it’s day time. Pain won’t start until around 7 O’clock pm. And it is like this EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. So why should I live again?

a little bit about psych hospitalizations

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Had a frustrating session with my therapist today. She was all in my business on the transgender issues today for some reason. I don’t know why she brings it up and I just get really mad when she does because I feel like she is really getting into my personal business. I just feel like if I want to talk about it, I WILL bring it up, not her. She feels that I should be in a TG group, which I don’t want to be in. Right now I got so many different things going on in my head, the last thing on my mind is my TG. I am really struggling dealing with chronic pain all the time and wanting to escape from it but knowing there is no escape unless I am sleeping 24/7. Today I had a quick shower, less than fifteen minutes, and I still was in pain from standing that length of time. It sucks. I am supposed to have coffee with a friend of mine today. I am still waiting for his phone call to meet up.

The we talked a little about how yesterday fizzled me. I don’t know but I feel like I am going to explode soon with anger toward her. I know that part of the reason is that I brought up the roots of why I am suicidal, though it still isn’t quite clear. All I remember is that I wanted to die when I was eight years old. By the age of ten I was planning my death on my birthday because I didn’t want to make it to eleven. Greed spoiled that plan because I wanted to see what kind of gifts I got and I wasn’t going to kill myself on Christmas. That would be wrong as God would never have forgiven me (this was what I was thinking at the age of ten). I was depressed from then on but always kept it hidden from everyone. I tried to keep it hidden though some days I just didn’t want to be around anyone. I started moving away from my best friend in middle school. We were at different schools and different grade school levels. I didn’t want to burden him with my thoughts of death. He wanted me to see someone but I knew I wasn’t crazy so why talk to a counselor. I just thought that I would get in huge trouble if I spoke to some one outside of the family. Things that went on in the family, stayed in the family. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone what was going on. And it hurt because I was hurting. I don’t know why. My father was an asshole and still is. He cares more about himself than another person. He is part of the reason I turned out the way I did. My mother didn’t really do anything to stop my father from being abusive. She just let him have the run of the household like wives do. And my sisters dealt with it by turning to their friends. I didn’t have too many friends outside of school until high school. Then there was just this one friend but still I don’t think she knew just how great my suicidality was. We didn’t talk about it. We avoided feelings and just hung out and listened to music or do homework. We were the nerds in school. I didn’t mind it. Schoolwork kept my mind off things. Until everything fell apart during my freshman year. I can’t talk about the details because it will just trigger my PTSD. Even now I am getting anxious about it.

So with all this stuff that my therapist knows, why would my TG (transgender) stuff be at the highlight of my life right now? I know that she thinks that the reason why I planned a date is because if I don’t do something to change me, then I will die. But things have changed now. Yes I could move forward to my transition and be all good with that, but that still isn’t going to change the fact that I have chronic pain every day that isn’t helped with medication. Sometimes the medication does help. Sometimes the cream that my doctor prescribed helps. I didn’t plan or maybe I already knew that things are always going to be the same. I am always going to be in pain in some shape or another. And that is why I feel like I can’t go on anymore. It is my decision. No one has the right to stop me. They can try and prevent it by putting me in the hospital but that is no guarantee that when I get out, I won’t kill myself. More patient die on discharge than anything. And even the hospital knows this. They know that if you are chronically suicidal, they still let you out after a few days in. It’s like they are saying “well, we stopped the immediate threat of you killing yourself but we hope that by keeping you here we took that away. No, you are still suicidal? Well you can go home now”. I have had this happen to me time and time again. No I have not attempted while discharged but it left me feeling like no one cared or maybe they just didn’t believe that suicidality can lasts more than 3-14 days. And you know part of it is dictated by the insurance company that you have. It’s like the insurance company says when you are well and when you are not. Soon as you show some interest in groups and start participating in the hospital program, boom, ready for discharge, even if your life still sucks and you want to die. They don’t have time to deal with you wanting to die. Just want to know if today you are going to kill yourself. Because if you want to kill yourself next week or the day after that is fine. You can do that. And I love when they ask you will you come back if the suicidal feelings return. UM, hello, they never left!!

So in essence, you are better off not going in the hospital. The best course is to stay in outpatient treatment as long as possible. Because either way, you are still going to have the same therapist to deal with when you get out of the hospital unless you quit therapy. Then you truly are on your own.

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

May is National Mental Health Month by Presidential Proclamation. I know I should feel happy that steps are being made to make mental health issues more aware to people but at the same time, I can help but feel resentful that I cannot find a therapist within a five mile radius of my house because of the severity of my illness. When my therapist and I knew that I couldn’t see her anymore because distance was a factor, I tried finding another therapist. I didn’t try once or twice. I tried ten fricken times. The last therapist that I saw locally was at a mental health clinic I used to go to as a teen but he was too scared of me. He was too afraid I might kill myself so that made it difficult for me to trust him. How could I work with some one that was scared of me? I am sure my current therapist gets scared when I tell her I am suicidal. Her anxiety goes up because she like to talk stupid things. I get that me being suicidal is not easy for mental health clinicians. It’s a clinician’s worse nightmare to hear that their client is suicidal or thinking about ending their life. But I know there are going to be a lot of people who have had past attempted suicides that are going to be in the same boat I am. No one wants to deal with this population. It is a crying shame. And no wonder Suicide is a leading killer of the United States.

In addition to me having mental health issues, I also have physical issues that prevent me from walking long distances. It makes me crazy that I have this problem and my mental health team does so much to help me deal with it. I was once working two jobs, but that proved to be too much for me and now I am collecting social security benefits and wondering if I will ever be able to hold down a job again. I don’t know. I really want to go back to school but I cannot afford it financially. I have defaulted on my student loans so there is no hope of me ever going back to school on my income. I know it is my fault and it pains me so severely that I want to kill myself because I know I have wrecked whatever credit I ever had. It physically and emotionally hurts knowing that my credit is fucked. I can never own another credit card for as a long as I live and I cannot begin to think of what lies ahead. I always hear that some jobs require a credit history check. If that is the case for me, I know I will not be able to get back to work.
I hate the idea of not being able to support myself. I know that I have made mistakes in my life and if I could do it over again, I would not make the same one. I would be further along in my degree and I would be on my way of being the kind of therapist I want to be. I know that there will always be risks with working with suicidal clients. I know because I am one of them. But mental health awareness campaigns do help screen for depression. But it doesn’t help those that want to kill themselves. Very rarely do you see the question on questionnaires, do you or have you thought of killing yourself in the past week.

So I wonder now that May is mental health awareness month, will I be able to find a therapist within a five mile radius from my house?