Tag: psychotherapy

Random 955

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 955

I woke up twice in the middle of the night. The first time, I was able to get back to sleep fairly quickly. The second time I woke up around 0530 and was in severe pain so couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I still am in pain but it’s not as severe. I took a nap and then had lunch. I had time to catch the bus, even though I felt shitty. I went out anyways just to get out.

I got to Starbucks and had my espresso. I started writing and then after a few paragraphs, I was feeling sick. I had to go home. My mother needed a birthday card so I went to CVS before going to the bus terminal. I must have been out for maybe 45 minutes or so. It was cold and raining by the time I got off the bus. Luckily, there was no trouble walking home.

I still feel like I could sleep for a hundred years and still be tired. My room has cooled off considerably and I am glad. I couldn’t stand the heat. I finally shut off the ceiling fan but I still got the window open. The temp is dropping so I know the heat is going to kick on again. I should have bought a burrito before leaving the Square. I don’t know what I am going to make for supper. I might make some pasta with my sauce. I wanted to have it for lunch but I was too groggy to cook. I still am but the coffee helped to wake me up a little bit.

I was able to shower today. I took it while I had a break in pain. It didn’t last long but long enough to wash and rinse. Drying was tough as my foot started to act up. I thought at least twice I was going to lose my balance as I was getting dressed. Damn feet did not want to go through the holes to let my boxers on. It’s so frustrating that I have to shove them in on one foot and pray I don’t fall in the process or rip the material.

Hard to believe baseball starts next week and the temps haven’t been above 50. It’s going to be really cold at the start of the season. We start off playing the Pirates, which is interleague play. I don’t know why they are starting so early this year. Usually it’s a month or two after the season begins. But I rather get them out of the way now so we just have one league to deal with by the end of the season. Least I hope so as I haven’t looked at the schedule so I could be wrong. I should be excited but I am not. It’s great that I will have a game nearly every night to listen or watch but so far this spring, I really haven’t been paying close attention. Maybe that will change once the schedule/rotation is set up (player wise). During spring training games, the regular players don’t play so it’s like why bother watching/listening. You got some no name playing second base that isn’t going to be there come Opening day. Useless. And Mr. $30 Million/year is hurt so won’t be playing. I have a feeling he is going to milk his injury and be out most of the season. Some competitive guy he is, NOT. He was placed on the 10 day DL (disabled list) but it has been more than that so why hasn’t he been throwing?? Can’t stand him. Hated the deal he got and hated him more when he couldn’t produce in the post season.

I called the therapist that I called last week. I think the message didn’t go through so I tried again as I didn’t hear back from her. I hope she does call me back in a day or so. I was looking at her website and found she is trained in different modalities that are right up my alley. If the chemistry is right, we might just work out, if she is taking on new clients. I will be so sad if she doesn’t work out and I need to find someone else, again. She has two offices, one in Boston and one in Cambridge, which is close to where I live. Either is accessible by public transportation though the one in Boston might be a little trickier, only because I have to take the bus and train. Please readers, send me good vibes she works out and has the time to see me!

I think I am going to take another nap rather than make something to eat. Without trying, I lost five pounds, which I can only guess is because I haven’t been taking Neurontin in a few days. I swear just taking this meds adds weight on. My ankle is acting up again despite me taking some pain meds when I got home. I hope I don’t have to take the strong pain pill again. I had to take one this morning to quiet down the severe pain I was having.

My week is free again. Only appointment I have is with my psychiatrist on Friday. Kind of makes me lazy as I don’t have to get up and go places. It’s so easy to stay in bed or at home. I hope the weather is better tomorrow, least a little warmer. I should start reading the CBT book I have about suicide attempters. I have been carrying it around in my bag since I bought it. I think I might have read the introduction and that was it. It’s a clinical book so can be a little technical at times. But it’s not over my head, least I hope not. I have some clue about CBT, though it’s been ages since I read about it. I have another book that is about cognitive therapy that I want to get to some time this year. I am still reading Robert Lowell, so when I am done with that book, maybe I will go back to reading clinical material.

early rising and it’s snowing!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early rising and it’s snowing!

I woke up early from a weird dream. I was looking for something and trying my best to find it except I realized I was wasting my time because the thing I was looking for was in New York City. I felt defeated. I woke up and had to pee. My nephew kind of scared me because he was on the couch. I forgot he spent the night. I hope he slept well.

When I left my room to go downstairs, I noticed it was snowing. Wonderful, another day in the house. I don’t mind because I have to go out tomorrow so this gives me a day of rest as my ankle is being such a brat right now. I haven’t done anything for the past two hours except read Twitter and become disgusted with the state of Congress and the people that are supposed to uphold the law of the land, the US Constitution. It sickens me that they, for reasons not known yet, are not investigating the whole Russian influence. If it was the other party, you bet your ass there would be inquiries left and right. Just makes me sad and fearful. And then to learn there is a spy ship off the coast of New England (where I am) is more scary. Why the Navy hasn’t done anything, is a mystery.

I am in serious pain. I didn’t want to but I had to take a strong pain pill to ease it. I also took a Neurontin to help ease the burning pain that I feel. I think I am going to be sleeping most of the day. I am going to try and stay up till at least 1000 in case the therapist returns my call. I hope she does because this waiting is killing me. And I think it is rude for a professional not to return a phone call.

Well, I don’t think I am going to last staying up much longer. Meds have made me sleepy and I need to lie down. More of how my day goes later.

another day of chronicity

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day of Chronicity

I had to pick up my prescription, even though it was ordered wrong, I decided to get it. I also needed some other things at Walgreens and so did my mother. I should have taken the rolling bag that I usually use but I used a handbag instead. Huge mistake. By the time I got to the end of the block, my back was aching me. The stuff I had was not heavy. I mean how heavy could 4 boxes of tissues and a thing of juice really be? Plus I had to be careful of my steps because there were parts that weren’t shoveled. I ended up walking in the street most of the way home, being mindful to look up every so often so I didn’t get hit by a car. I had only worn a heavy sweatshirt and I was sweating big time by the time I came home. I had to change my shirt as it was wet. My back was killing me and I couldn’t wait to rest on my bed.

I think I got a cold sore on my lip and it hurts. I have tried several different lip balms but it won’t go away. Guess I am going to have to wait it out. My foot is thanking me kindly for going to Walgreens. I wasn’t going to go but I am almost out of Neurontin so I needed to get my prescription. I wanted to email my neuro and tell her she called it in wrong but I didn’t. I’ll just take lump sums of the 300 mg capsules when I need them rather than taking less pills with the 600 mg tabs. I really am disgusted that my neuro didn’t read my email to change the script.

I had to deal with a troll on Twitter today. I had sent an article about the EFFECT of crisis response plans vs safety contracts. NO where in the article did it say the effectiveness or effective nature of safety contracts. So this bozo, who I have dealt with before, says “should ‘effective’ and safety contract be used in the same sentence”? That wasn’t the scope of the article!! Then I pointed that out to him, after he caused memes and gifs, and other conversations. No response, as usual. I did get a like for pointing out the difference. But everyone else ignored me. Figures. I am having a friend get the article for me as I am not paying $35 for the article. He goes to psych grad school so can get it easily. I need it for my library.

I got an email from my psychiatrist. It was about a group dealing with chronic pain and she was wondering if I was interested in joining. I just sent an email to the interested party and I hope I get a response. I also left a message with a potential new therapist that my friend gave me. I was kind of nervous so it was terrible. I hate leaving messages. I haven’t received a call back yet. I hope I do. I might send her another email as she didn’t respond to the first one. I am really missing having someone to talk to every week. I like talking to my psych every week but we don’t focus on things and it’s not really therapy.

When I see my psych this Friday, I am going to ask her to see if going up on the Zoloft would help me. I have been in a low mood and wonder if increasing the med might help me feel better and not be so destructive when I have a flare up. I hate increasing it but if it will help, I will be for it. It’s been months since my last increase. I just hope I don’t get side effects of an increased dose. That wouldn’t be good. I know my psych is worried about me because I have been seeing her every week since January. Usually I see her every 2-3 weeks. But with the whole no therapy, she has been my sole support. I miss my therapist. I hope the therapist I called today has openings or I will be really sad.

going insane with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Going insane with pain

I have been trying to sleep for the last couple of hours. Every time I move my damn foot, it counters with pain. I tried without the covers, with the covers, hanging my foot off the bed. Nothing is working. Meds aren’t touching the pain because it’s nerve pain so I got to wait for the Neurontin to kick in, which is whenever it feels like it. I haven’t quite timed it right so I never know when it is going to work. I do feel sleepy from it and groggy but it’s not enough to knock me out entirely. I just took an Ativan so I hope that will help me sleep.

I sent my therapist the blog I wrote. I thought she should have the last blog I wrote about her. I am really going to miss her a lot. On a whim, I emailed the new therapist that my Twitter friend sent me. I hope she is taking new clients. It will really suck if she isn’t. I will feel really bummed out. I hate having another female therapist but I think there are more female ones in the area than males. In the 26 yrs that I have been in therapy, only 3 have been males. I have had 13 therapists.

I am in so much pain that I am thinking of ways to cut off my damn ankle. Fortunately, I don’t have the equipment handy to do the deed. I did have an idiot friend of mine willing to lend me her chainsaw. She catches one or two of my posts and doesn’t realize what I need it for. Drives me crazy. I don’t know if I would ever be able to really cut off my ankle but I do fantasize about it a lot. Then at least the pain that I felt would be justified. The pain that I feel right now isn’t because of some injury or anything. It just fucking hurts. There is swelling but that is it’s only symptom besides pain. I fucking hate this pain syndrome because there is different types of pain every single night. Sometimes it’s my ankle, or my toes, or my foot, or another part of my ankle. I can’t keep up with the changes and the different kind of pain that I feel. It is frustrating and then when you see the doc, they think you are just making it up. Least it feels that way to me.

I am really sad that I don’t have a therapist anymore. I miss having someone to talk to every week. It really kept me sane even if we talked about the same thing every week. But it was getting frustrating with my therapist because her anxiety just kept getting in the way of me talking about things. Then she would go on a talking binge and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. It was really bumming me out because I felt like it was MY time and it turned into HER time most of the session. I hope my next therapist isn’t like that. I hope the new therapist responds to the email I sent her. I really hope so. If she isn’t taking new clients then I will really be bummed. I also hope she can help me cope better with my chronic pain. That would be so neat. But we’ll see. I am really nervous about her response. She might want me to just call her office number, which I have but if she isn’t taking anyone, why would she do that? I am just nervous about it. It’s hard seeing someone new.