Tag: psychotherapy

Another Tuesday, another therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Another Tuesday, another therapy session

I didn’t sleep too well last night. My neck was bothering me despite taking Ativan and pain meds for my ankle that didn’t want to settle down. I just could not get comfortable and when I did, I woke up with my neck hurting, which felt like every couple of hours. Around five, I had to go pee and did some shopping online, which somehow caused my bank to think there was fraudulent activity on my account. The purchases weren’t that big but all were made online, one right after the other. I had a list of things to buy when I got paid. And seeing as I was up, I figured I might as well purchase them. I took some more pain meds and went back to sleep for a few more hours.

My mother called me around 11 to tell me something. It’s a good thing she did otherwise I would have slept through my therapy appointment. That would not have been good. Though now looking back, I wish I had slept through the appointment. It was really boring and I was getting agitated because I really wanted to sleep and I obviously couldn’t. I didn’t feel like talking. She asked me so many questions about the psychosis and my appointment with my psychiatrist. I felt like I had to get away from her. She again asked me about negative symptoms. I feel them on and off. Lately I have been too depressed to feel it. I also been suicidal but I haven’t told anyone about those thoughts. I just don’t feel like talking about them.

She also asked about my pain levels and that is really when I got annoyed. We were talking about going out to see her and she basically said only if I am not in pain. HA, when am I not in pain?? I reserved the car anyways. Even though it’s going to be really humid tomorrow, I am going to go out to see her. I also want to get some new jean shorts. My current pair is getting worn out as I wear it all the time. It’s the only pair that I have that fit me. I had some camo pants but those, too, have been worn out. I haven’t bought summer clothes in a few years, since I have been out of work.

I’m not looking forward to the drive but at least it gets me out of the house. I went out today to get my coffee and an espresso drink. They didn’t have any seats at Starbucks so I got my coffee and left. I just caught the bus home. I am happy about that. Now I can have coffee whenever I want. I just hope that I can wake up early tomorrow and stay up. It will really suck to sleep really late tomorrow. I just have had no energy or desire to be up during the morning hours, or to be up in general. I am just so tired all the time. I thought it was because I was taking the benedryl but I haven’t taken that in the last few nights. My allergies haven’t been so bad the past two days. I think the heat is just making me tired, even though I am in an AC’d room. I just feel completely wiped out like I have done arduous labor.

I have been reading more of the book “the Cuckoo’s Calling”. Still nothing exciting happening and I don’t think anything is coming forth from the investigation. It’s really just a time killer if you ask me. I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. It’s just really dull. I wish I could stop reading it but I’m one of those people that once they start a book, they have to finish it.

therapy and not sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy again today. She again brought up negative symptoms. She is afraid of her losing me, whatever that means. I told her I just feel nothing, like everything is blunt. I also feel flat. Her fear is that the longer this goes on, the more I am going to feel this way. I don’t get why this is of concern. Maybe I am missing something that she just isn’t explaining well enough.

We also talked about the possibility of seeing someone while she is away for a couple of weeks in August. She brought up the question of whether I would see someone DBT like as an adjunct therapist. I have no intention of seeing someone other than my therapist and my psychiatrist. I don’t think I will see someone while she is away. I probably will just write letters like I usually do when she is gone. It’s going to be a long two weeks. I need to find out if my psychiatrist will be away the same time. That will suck but it is a possibility. I will find out Monday when I see my psych.

I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke up like every couple of hours. I wasn’t in pain or anything. I just slept for two hours here, three there and then woke up thinking it was time to wake up, but it wasn’t. I did finally get to sleep after the fourth time I was up. I slept for about five hours before my phone went off. Someone was calling me but I think it was the wrong number because they didn’t leave a message. And my mother called at her normal time to see if I was going out today. I don’t plan on it. I am just too tired. I am having coffee to try and wake up but it’s not doing much for me.

I might go to the grocery store to get some cream. I am almost out. I just don’t know if I am have the energy to do it. It’s much cooler today than it has been. I finally have the AC off as it’s really cold in my room. I like the cold but not freezing cold.

I need to call the PT place to set up an appointment. I do but don’t want to go to therapy. It’s down the street from me so it’s not like I will be going far. It’s just my fear that it’s going to cause more pain than what I am already in. And there is no guarantee that it’s really going to help me. I think docs like to send you when they don’t know what else to do for you.

Looks like today I am just going to sleep. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I don’t have anything that I really need to do today. I might get a Zipcar next week and see my therapist. All depends on if I get my funds.

psychosis, therapy, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had therapy today as usual. We talked more about the psychosis and how I have been dealing with it, or not really. I told her I thought I would email my psychiatrist today to inform her of an agenda for when we meet on Friday. I want to tell her that I think we need to get the psychosis under control. I sent her yesterday’s blog in the email so she has a better idea of what I am talking about.

We talked a little about my father. I told her I have been reading blogs about his treatment towards me and other stuff but I was very vague and don’t remember the incident I was describing. I had to look at the date I wrote it to know what I was talking about. He was a difficult man. Hard to believe it will be three months that he has been gone. I still haven’t cried much for him, if at all.

Then I get an email from writing friend today that thinks my psychosis is caused by the grief of my father. She doesn’t know what happened this weekend so I am dismissing most of what she was talking about. Plus she kept calling my father “dad” which just annoyed me. He isn’t a “dad” in any sense of the word. The guy only thought about himself. It was only in the last year that he started giving us money on the fly but even then we had to pay him back. I never wanted his money for this reason. There was always a catch to it.

In the email I sent to my pdoc, I also told her what I wanted to talk about that didn’t involve the hospital. I told her about what happened with my mother. She is stable for now but that can change in a week or two. Hell, it can change today or tomorrow. You just don’t know with diabetes, even if you constantly monitor your levels.

Today I am less psychotic because I took my meds yesterday. I spaced it out so I did take 8 mg of trilafon. Today I plan on doing the same. It seems to be working. I am not as paranoid or agitated. The AC isn’t speaking to me. I haven’t played music so I am not sure the lyrics have changed on me. Last night, I was listening to Bon Jovi. There were songs I had to skip because I didn’t care for them. Then the Sox game got hot last night so I listened for a while. The voices wanted me to read but there was no way I could listen to the game and read so I turned the game off. I was reading Patrick J. Kennedy’s book, A Common Struggle. I didn’t there would be similarities between us but there were, as far as our illnesses go in managing it on a daily basis. I don’t have the addiction issues he has but I know what it’s like trying to manage being bipolar and psychosis. Then I read the part of losing his dad just before my therapist called me.

I asked my therapist if she reads and she laughed, thinking I was calling her illiterate. She usually doesn’t read fun books, just professional stuff. I told her about A Common Struggle and how I was interested in it. I didn’t tell her the reason I had an interest in the primary author (PJK) but did tell her the background of the book. He pushed for mental health and addiction parity while in Congress, all while battling his addiction to drugs and alcohol and bipolar disorder. I really don’t know how he didn’t accidently kill himself but I think he was on that road had he not had treatment at the various places he went to. He was never really suicidal until his girlfriend said things were over between them. It was the first time he had such thoughts.

Anyways, we talked about the book in therapy and how it stirred up feelings about my father. Last night he was on my mind. I think he is always going to be on my mind even though he is gone. I am just glad I am not hearing his voice while being psychotic because that would be very dangerous.

I didn’t go out today, again. It’s too hot out and I am fearful it might spike another psychotic episode if I go. I don’t really want to be around people. Tomorrow I have to go out because I have an appointment with my neurologist. I haven’t seen her in two years, and not much has changed. I still have pain that is unexplained. The reason I made the appointment was because I was having nerve pain, but that seems to have resolved. I think all the standing I was doing the month of April and dealing with the impending death of my father just caused a flare up. Now that I am back to my regular routine, or rather no routine, things have calmed down.

I am missing my cold brewed iced coffee from Starbucks. I will have it on Friday when I see my psych. Feels like ages since I last saw her and it’s only been three weeks.

Therapy, Bags, and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

For the first time in four years, I almost slept through my therapy session. I woke up ten minutes late. My therapist called twice and I didn’t hear the phone. I was listening to music and I guess when her ringtone came on it didn’t disturb me enough to wake up. So I had a 40 minutes session, which is better than nothing. She read part of the short story that I sent her the other day. She didn’t finish it but she liked what she read so far.

We talked about my day’s activities and how I was doing. We did talk about the voices but I told her I had taken the trilafon in a text message. I took double because I didn’t want to hear the voices. I have like 6 pills left. When I get down to 2, I will notify my psychiatrist to see if she will refill some more for me.

I have been so tired because I woke up at 0300 and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. Then my mother called while I was dreaming and that always makes me exhausted when I wake up like that. It’s just disturbing and then I am tired the rest of the day.

I took my niece out for a bit and beat the rain. I got pizza and fries for us. We had a good time and then I went back up to my room because it was so hot in her apartment. They didn’t have AC. I think my room is the only room in the whole house that has AC so you know where I am hanging out most of the summer when I am not out.

I ordered another book. This book I found in the Facebook group, “history of Boston”. It’s called “White Trash” and is about the class system of America for the last 400 years. I find books like this interesting. I ordered it through a local bookstore so I don’t have to wait for delivery. I will pick it up tomorrow as I don’t feel like going back out today. I forgot to mail my letter for the birth certificate again. I am so mad at myself. So I will do this as well.

I placed another Amazon order because I am an addict. But seriously, I needed to get my allergy pills because I am running low. I also got the DVD “Liar Liar”. I love that movie. It’s one of my favorite Jim Carey movies. It will give me a laugh when I think about something from the movie, especially the pen is blue scene. He is a brilliant actor. I also bought another bag, another addiction I have. Pens and bags are my biggest things that I will spend money on. This one is similar to the Pearl Jam messenger bag I bought back in January. It’s a little smaller and fits my laptop. I hope that if I find a bag that I like that fits my laptop, I will take it with me more and maybe do some writing outside of my room. I found that I have gone away from backpacks and gone toward laptop/messenger bags. As long as it can hold a book or two as well is all I care about because I will need my journal wherever I go. My paranoia about someone stealing my bag or worse my laptop is sometimes so great that I leave the laptop at home. Or someone breaking into my laptop while I am on a network. I don’t store my personal information like my SS number on my laptop but I have visited websites that have that information because they needed it. This isn’t to say my network is secure but I hope that no one breaks through. Mostly what they will get are my blogs. I really don’t have anything else of value to a would be robber of my laptop, though it will suck to get a new one. Only one of the reasons why I leave my laptop at home.