Tag: schizoaffective disorder

having a painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Having a painful day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0930 this morning. I had been up all night, minus about 1.5-2 hours of sleep, until pain woke me up from a sound slumber. I did sleep for about six hours, when my pain meds wore off and I needed more. I also needed food as I just had some toast with some coffee for breakfast. I ordered a cheeseburger with onion rings. It was good and now I don’t need anymore food for the day.

While I was waking up, I stretched my feet and that proved to be a disaster. My left ankle hated it so bad it caused me severe pain. I don’t know why I did that. Now I am trying to get the pain under control again. I feel like I should be making preparations for my death in a few weeks but I can’t stand so there goes that idea. I will have to make it some other time. I still haven’t worked on my will yet. It’s almost ready, I just need to add some closing remarks.

Last night I watched Schindler’s List. I forgot how gruesome the movie was and inhumane. I pray to all the gods and hope that this never happens again. I could only bear to watch Part 1. I’m too tired to watch the end of the movie tonight so I will probably do so tomorrow night. I didn’t want to give myself nightmares because I know the end of the movie is worse than the beginning.

My mood has been neither good nor bad today. I am just too tired to gauge it. Of course, the feelings of wanting to die are still present. I swear the level of pain dictates how bad the wanting to die urges are and today they are great. The pain is the highest it has been in a long time and with me having no sleep last night, at all, I am just vulnerable to my dark moods. I haven’t emailed my psychiatrist and don’t plan to. Why worry her. I see her Friday anyways and things might change. I doubt it, but there is always that sliver of hope that I cling to.

There were errands I wanted to do today that obviously never got done because I needed sleep and also pain relief. I had my sister pick up my meds at the pharmacy because I can’t walk, least not today. If I get enough rest today, maybe I can do the errands tomorrow.

My foot and ankle are throbbing up a storm right now. I don’t know which is more painful, my foot or ankle, and frankly I don’t care. I hope to sleep soon even though it’s only 5 pm. I just can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

In a Pissed off Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a pissed off mood

I didn’t go to sleep till well after 3 am. Then around 0500, my foot explodes and I was woken up from a sound sleep. You got to be fucking kidding me! I am still awake as I wait for the pain meds to knock me back out again. This doesn’t bode well as I had things to do today. I guess they will have to wait till tomorrow. I know I am going to be in a pissy mood most of the day and not wanting to leave my bed. I wanted to get at least three books out in the mail today but that isn’t going to happen. Fucking A, I am so mad!!

This hasn’t happened in a while, but I could have slept a little longer than about 2 hours or so. My foot still hurts so the pain meds still hasn’t kicked in yet, though I have take it an hour or so ago. I am not in a good mood at all. I want to make coffee but I don’t know if I can stand on my foot or it will become really angry if I put weight on it. So I am stuck on my bed until the pain meds kick in. Great life I lead, eh?

I am so sick of being in pain all the damn time and being woken up from a sound sleep. I am listening to my favorite music artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, to help calm me down. Her voice is so soothing. I am hoping it won’t lead me to my dark thoughts, even though I am in a pissy mood.

My mother will be getting up soon. I will be going to bed. Then we will have the conversation of me “sleeping like sleeping beauty”, which I blew up at her at because I was so pissed off of hearing her say that all the damn time. She thinks sleeping all day is a bad thing but when you are up all night, it’s a godsend sometimes. I can see if I was sleeping all day because I was depressed or something, but when you are up all fucking night due to pain, there is a difference.

I feel like paging my psychiatrist and telling her my plans are still on in full force because I haven’t slept all night but 2 bloody hours, maybe less as I really don’t know what time I passed out. It really sucks when you are in a sound sleep and get woken up by feeling like your foot is being torn apart. I thought at first I was dreaming of this pain but I woke up and it wasn’t a dream. Fucker. Maybe I will take another Ativan yet again to calm my ass down and get back to sleep as this pain medicine isn’t doing shit not after two hours. I am agitated as anything. That isn’t good when you are feeling suicidal. If I had hair, I’d probably pull it out. I am glad I have short hair. It makes it hard to pull on your hair. I might go to the barber when I am better and get buzzed again. My hair has grown back even though it’s only been two weeks since my last cut. My hair grows fast. I think it is because I always cut it. Or it could be my psych meds. I don’t know.

I am going to attempt to get three books from my box that is a foot away from my bed. Got them, I was very careful not to put pressure on where the pain was. But as I was getting back in bed, I accidently did so the pain acted up again. Fuck. It’s going to be a day in bed. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom. That will be torture. Oh, how I wish there was a half bath where the bedrooms were.

It feels like I am putting tremendous pressure on my toes when there is nothing there. I have taken my foot from out of the covers so the sheet isn’t on it. Still in pain. It didn’t do much. This is terrible. I hope the Ativan works quickly before I totally lose my mind! It’s the peroneous tendon that is flaring up. I just moved my toes to see what would happen and felt pain in my ankle immediately. Fuck. This isn’t good. In another hour, I can take my regular pain meds. I hate being on a fucking clock schedule for taking meds. But if it keeps the pain away, I got to be on it or else I pay for it. I had taken the strong pain pill when I woke up 2 hours ago because I couldn’t take my regular pain meds as I just took them before going to bed for my 1.5 -2 hours of sleep. I really just want to die. And that will happen soon, I swear, though I am thinking of changing my method of choice. It will be messy but I think I will go on the outside back porch so the clean up can be better than inside the house or in my room.

A Good Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A good Sunday

It was my niece’s birthday party. She turns 21 on Tuesday but we had the party today. It was fun and I finally got to see my little cousin who is nine months old. My cousin’s girlfriend kept posting pictures of her and I was afraid I wasn’t going to see her until she had turned one as I don’t visit too often because of my pain levels. My pain wasn’t too bad today but after sitting for an hour or so, I needed to taking something for my leg pain.

Last night I video chatted with a dear friend of mine. It was fun. We talked for about an hour or so before her daughter needed a shower. Her daughter has autism needed help with showering. I was sort of multitasking because another friend of mine was texting me at the same time we were chatting after the shower. It was weird texting on my phone and then having a chat on my laptop.

Just killed a damn fruit fly that was buzzing in my room. I don’t know where the hell they come from as I don’t have any food in my room. Just pisses me off. I hate bugs!

I’m going to watch Schindler’s List tonight. I haven’t watch this movie since high school. It’s a very moving movie. I hope to god nothing like it occurs again. There was a Twitter account on Holocaust Remembrance Day that listed the names of about 600 or 900 people that came to the US as refugees in 1939. They were turned away from the US and were killed by the Nazis in their various camps. This account also listed the photo of the person, if it was available. I just find it really sad that the US did that to those people and are now doing it to Muslims. Of course, the Middle East countries that Trump has business connections to are excluded. Just pathetic.

I told my psychiatrist about my fear about changing my name and using gender dysphoria as a reason for my name change. She said I was being paranoid. I told her I didn’t want to be on some list later on that “hunted” me down for my TG issues. That part she kind of understood better. If there were better people in the high government, I might have gone forward in my transition this year but I am too scared to now. But it doesn’t matter because in a few weeks, I shall hopefully not exist anymore.

I texted my therapist and told her our next meeting will be our last. There will be no need to have three or four sessions as termination sessions because I just can’t go through with it. It’s too hard as it is to have a session with her without breaking down. We have tried to make this work for the past year and we just can’t. She won’t change her ways and it’s detrimental to my progress. Plain and simple, though on my blog it’s easier said than how it feels. My psychiatrist and a good friend want me to see someone else but I refuse for right now. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what went wrong so I don’t make the same mistakes with the new therapist, if I can find one. And besides, this blog has been more therapeutic to me than therapy so there’s that bonus.

Pain O’clock our has struck. My toes feel like they are being pounded on like a xylophone. I wonder what time I will get to bed tonight. Just really sucks because I was having a good day up until now. Now my night is filled with pain and I hope that I can control it. Or we’re going to have problems.

Saturday Blog 73

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 73

I am having a rough day. I woke up in pain and the pain has continued throughout the day. I am not happy. I sent an email to my psychiatrist around midnight when I had been up for 20 hours and told her what was running through my mind. She just wants me to keep in touch, this is after I told her I would work on my will today. I still haven’t done it because I have been sleeping most of the day. I will sometime tomorrow. I can’t really think today anyways, and what I wanted to add to it, I forgot already.

I got a text from my niece asking me to babysit her. I responded and she texted me back that it was her mother that texted her not me. I wrote back FINK. Then my sister calls me asking if I want to babysit. I told her I couldn’t. My foot is just too painful. I need to eat something but I’m not really hungry. If I do make it downstairs, I am just going to have some microwave popcorn. That is all that I want to eat. I really would like to order a burrito but I can’t make it down the damn stairs. Guess I can order it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my niece’s birthday party. I don’t know if I am going to go or not. It all depends on my pain levels. She turns 21 on Tuesday. Next Sunday, I am taking the older nieces out for dinner. It’s their birthday present. My stupid cousin wants to join us but I told her no. I just want an outing with my nieces alone. I don’t need her craziness to ruin my day with them. Besides, I don’t like her very much. She just annoys the crap out of me with her idiotic talk. Nope, she isn’t coming or the whole thing is off. I don’t care.

I still can’t believe how much my ankle was hurting and swollen last night. The swelling has gone down and so has the pain. It was a weird swelling, like there was a band around my ankle it and it just puffed up. The intense pain that was driving me suicidal was at least an inch or so below the swelling. I don’t get it. Fucking pain syndrome. I tried using the Tommy Copper compression thing but it kept digging into my Achilles and it was more painful there. I had to take it off. I touched the area today to see if it was swollen and it wasn’t so the compression sock must have touch a nerve or something last night. Course my whole foot and ankle was so sensitive it wouldn’t take much to add pain to it.

I am feeling really worn down from pain today. I did make coffee and finished off the chicken parm that I ordered last night. That has been the only thing that I ate today. I am not that hungry but I need to eat I am waiting for my pain meds to calm down my toes and foot so I can go downstairs.

It sucks there isn’t a game on tomorrow. Next Sunday there is the big football game. I can’t wait. I hope the Pats win. It’s going to be a tight game is what I am thinking. I got to find out what time it is on. I think it’s going to be on at 8 but I could be wrong. I bought tortilla chips and my favorite salsa for the game. I am trying hard not to open it before then because I could eat the whole thing. It is so good. It’s a pineapple medium salsa from Newman’s Own. So yummy. I also got multigrain tortilla chips. I like them better than corn. They have more flavor.