Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Saturday Blog 64

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I woke up every few hours. When I got up, I made coffee but my half and half was sour so I couldn’t drink the coffee. I wanted to go to the grocery store so I went to get my pumpkin stuff and some bacon. I also bought celery so I can add it to my tuna sandwiches. I thought I would have enough energy to make the cupcakes but I don’t. I just want to go back to sleep.

OSU won 58-0 against Rutgers. And Nebraska is winning right now in the first quarter 7-0. I would watch the Nebraska game but I just can’t. I want to be on my bed resting my leg. I am in pain again from walking around the store and then going to Walgreens to pick up my prescription.

After I came home, I was starving because I didn’t have lunch. I had some Naan with some tuna my mother made. I ate all the tuna and most of the Naan. Then I had a nectarine. Now I am bloated and very sleepy.

I keep thinking of my date and what I am going to do about it. If I don’t go through with my plan, I will feel like a failure. If I try and don’t succeed, then at least I tried and that will be that. But I won’t know unless I try and I want to die very badly. I am feeling all sorts of feelings about this. Sadness is the chief one, guilt is another. I know I don’t have to do this but what choice do I have? The thought of living through this nightmare is astounding. I can’t take the pain day in and day out anymore, not when my daily living activities are involved. There are some days I can’t even stand long enough to brush my teeth. How is this living?

My therapist is working hard so that things don’t come to an end soon. In the end, it’s really just my battle and my battle alone. I have tried to prepare her for my death but she doesn’t want to hear one word of it. I have three sessions this week with her, one of which will be in person. I get to drive out there and see her. I am hoping to have my pumpkin cupcakes made tomorrow to take with me when I go. She’ll like that.

the need to write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The Need to Write

I watched the ballgame most of the way via Twitter. We won 5-3. I didn’t think I was going to last because I was really tired but I knew if they came back and I missed it I would be upset. I am glad I didn’t miss it.

So I lied down and of course pain coursed through my ankle and foot like they do, 10 times worse tonight. I had to take a strong pain pill and some Neurontin. I was taking all shots tonight. Fuck it. I don’t care. I need pain relief. My foot is on fire. My ankle is searing pain. And I have no fire extinguisher other than the Neurontin. My anxiety is up but I already took some Ativan because my right foot was doing this dance tonight that eventually got painful. It just kept on curling up on me, on it’s own. Annoying.

I was able to sleep for a few hours but then woke up because I had to go pee. Damn bladder. Now I am up and I don’t think I can go back to sleep, least not for the next hour or two. I am surprised that I just slept a few hours given the amount of medication that I took. I am still feeling a little paranoid and psychotic. The voices the last few days have not been pleasant. I can tolerate them but it is exhausting. It takes all that I have to ignore their constant bickering, their sarcastic remarks, their criticism, and their commands. If I am doing something one way, they want me to do it another. It’s tiring. I had to take 12 mg of trilafon yesterday to counteract them. I didn’t take it all at once, just every 4-6 hours I took a 4 mg pill. It was the only way to quiet them down.

Later today, I plan on printing out my book. It’s going to be a huge deal because I have 140 pages to go through. Granted the first few are just fluff, just the title page and then copyright page, stuff like that. I want to see if I can do this without an editor. My stories are short so if I take them one at a time, it should be a piece of cake. And unlike my first book, there is nothing to really trigger me because it’s mostly about my psychotic experiences, which I think are funny and amusing. Course, when they were happening they were scary as all hell. But now they are not that way anymore.

I texted my therapist that I was in pain and lazy because I might not be making the pumpkin cupcakes like I wanted to. I am still cursing the Peapod delivery for not delivering the right kind of pumpkin. Now I have to go to the store and get it. But I don’t want to go out later today. I know I am going to be tired as shit as it’s in the middle of the night and I am awake. Plus, it’s going to be raining most of the day. I should have gone to the store yesterday but I was too tired.

completely wiped out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Completely wiped out

I basically was on the go since I woke up this morning. I went to Starbucks. Had my drink and breakfast, wrote a little bit and then played with my phone. Afterwards, I went to CVS to get my mother some things and a binder for myself for my book. I plan on printing it out sometime this weekend to go over it and see if I repeated stories and also to edit it.

After this, I went into Boston to get my prescription. They didn’t have it ready so I had to wait. Finally one of the medical assistants came and got me and I left. By the time I reached the train station, I was wiped out. I think walking with the brace is slowing me down some and it’s tiring. I wanted to go to the grocery store to get pumpkin but I was too tired. I might go tomorrow.

I get to Walgreens to have my prescription filled and they tell me they need to call my doctor to verify it’s okay because I take the other medication. OMG. Seriously? Luckily I am not out so I can wait the weekend but still, it’s an annoyance. They said they will text me so we’ll see. I still haven’t received notification about the trilafon. I might have to hound my psychiatrist for that. This is why I hate when my refills aren’t in sync with appointment visits.

My foot/ankle is throbbing again. I just want to go to sleep but I need food. My mother offered to make soup but I am not in a soup mood. I am kind of in a tuna mood. But I think I need sleep more than food right now. I am getting cranky and I hate being cranky.

Pain Insomnia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Pain insomnia

I never wanted to believe in this phenomena called “Pain Insomnia” because I feared it would happen to me if I did. Well, it’s happened. It’s after midnight and I am not sleeping because of pain. I am still listening to music but my foot and ankle are having a war as to which is going to hurt me more. So far my ankle is winning.

I started writing in my journal. I figure that would help me sleep. But nope, it didn’t. I wrote out my “suicide note” in my journal so in case someone reads it should I die they know they aren’t to blame for my death. I have tried everything I could to keep going but the pain is just too much. I just keep on taking pills left and right and that is not the kind of life I want to live. It’s bad enough this pain took away my jobs, my walking ability, basically my dignity. And still no one knows why I am in pain. Some docs have given me the elusive diagnosis of “complex regional pain syndrome” but I don’t fully meet the criteria for that because I don’t have color changes. I just have pain. All the damn time. And it’s worse at night so no doc can see what it is when I am not in the office during the day because that is not when I have pain.

My psychosis is not helping. I skipped a couple of doses and it caused the symptoms to return. Part of it is because my doc wants me on 1 dose a day but I need 2 a day to get relief. So I have this battle with the voices about taking my meds and it isn’t pretty. Mostly the battle is just take the bottle rather than a couple of pills. They don’t understand that by doing so, I might die. But they don’t care. Since when do auditory hallucinations care what you do when they command you to do something? They just want you to obey them. It’s gotten better now that I am back at 2 a day. I still get paranoid though. There was a guy at Starbucks today that was really antsy. I thought he could read what I was writing in my journal. Honestly, anyone that can read my handwriting, I give credit to. It’s complete chicken scratch.

My strong pain pills is ready to be picked up. I will head into Boston tomorrow and get it. I hope there isn’t a problem in the pharmacy. All this talk about opioid awareness has me wicked paranoid about filling my prescriptions. I haven’t had a problem but I don’t want there to be. It’s bad enough I have problems with my antipsychotic getting filled because of the new fucking system my hospital has, and that isn’t a controlled substance!

So while I wait for pain meds to make me sleepy or exhausted, I write till I am completely out of words. Insomnia sucks but pain insomnia is worse. One of my new Twitter follows was talking about how CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) helps those with chronic pain but her insurance doesn’t cover it. I find that very discriminatory. I wish I could help her with it. But I don’t know where she is in the world. Hell, I am even trying to get into a CBT program yet I haven’t been called yet. I was hoping to hear from them by the end of last week and here it is a week later and still no word. I just hope my suicidality doesn’t hold them back. I am always fearful about this. I have had so many therapists deny me their services because of my suicidal history.

I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow to get pumpkin puree so I can make pumpkin cupcakes. I like to bake and I have this new recipe. It looks easy enough. I want to bring them to my therapist when I see her on Tuesday. I also have an appointment with her on Monday. I hope it goes well. She knows that I am suicidal. We have been talking about it for the past couple of weeks. Seems I am more suicidal this time of year than at any other time. She wants me to see me through the new year but I think she is wasting her time with me. I just feel so awful and not sleeping doesn’t help matters.

I had picked a date but I don’t think I will go through with it. There are a few things I haven’t done yet that I want to do before I end things. I was hoping to do it this week but pain stopped me yet again. Next week I will be really busy so the things I need to do will have to be the following week. And again, it all depends on my pain levels to do these things. I hate that I have to be dependent on pain to basically tell me what I can and can’t do. It really sucks.

I remember the last time I visited my cousin in Washington, DC. We went to the Smithsonian and saw a few museums. It was really fun even though my camera wasn’t too cooperative. My leg flared up the next day and I was laid up for most of the weekend. I felt really bad because I couldn’t do anything but put my leg up. Some vacation that was. I stood too long and it just flared up pain in my ankle, much like it’s doing tonight, except I didn’t stand too much today. I did go up and down the stairs a few too many times though.