Tag: suicidality

Still hurting big time

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Still hurting big time

I tried to take it easy today, I really did. I only went out to pick up my niece from school and I stayed in. I iced my ankle and leg while I read with my foot up on a chair. My niece was good, entertained herself with TV or the computer. I made her read for a little bit after watching a TV show. Only time I got mad was when she wasn’t careful taking out something from the fridge and dropped dip on the floor, then walked away from it like she did nothing wrong. She didn’t even bother to attempt to clean it up. That got me really mad but I didn’t yell at her. Just grabbed some paper towels and cleaned it. It hurt to do it because I am not supposed to be on my feet but I couldn’t let the house stink of sour cream and onion dip!

I went up to my apartment after my niece decided she wanted my mother to show her how to operate a sewing machine. It was a little one. Well, that was it for me climbing stairs. My leg gave out after I made myself something to eat for dinner. I shuffled to the kitchen to make myself a glass of ice tea and then retired to my room, where I have been the last couple of hours. I still am hurting despite the rest. I just don’t know what I am going to do. I have a friend from Australia in town and I really want to meet up with him but I am not sure I can. He is only in my neck of the woods for a few days. I left him a message that tomorrow night might work but I don’t have a car like I used to. He came here a few years ago and I am hoping to meet him at the same place as it is more convenient for me. But he hasn’t answered my message.

I had therapy today and it was determined that I am dissociating from my pain. Makes sense because I can feel it but not feel it. Like this morning. I woke up at 0600 kicking my leg and moaning but I didn’t know why. After I woke up a little more I realized I was hurting so I took some pain meds. It was the oddest sensation. My left leg was really hurting but I couldn’t figure out why until I woke up. I just remember it being odd that it was hurting and me shaking the leg like as if a bug was on me or something. Usually, if I move my position, the pain goes away. But I was laying on my left side. I was on my right so I was confused why it was hurting me so much. Then it dawned on me that I have nerve damage and that it was acting up. I hate waking up in pain. But my brain couldn’t process it so only gave me a little hint that it was hurting. My therapist says that I should take my pain meds even though I am not feeling the pain. It just feels so far away from me, like my leg is another person’s or something yet I am feeling their suffering. What is driving me nuts, is that the pain is there but it’s not. I feel it for a few minutes and then it tones down. I still feel it but unless I concentrate, I really can’t feel the intensity. My brain is zoning out on it. I can’t handle the pain I guess and that is why I am dissociating from it. Either that or my leg/ankle/foot are all numb and I really can’t feel it. But I can wiggle my toes, as painful as it is. Any movement in my foot causes me leg pain. It is half way down the side of my leg just in the middle of my calf muscle and goes down into my toes. I know the perneous tendon runs that way and it is all inflamed. I took some Aleve today to try and calm it down but it hasn’t done shit. I still am all swollen and hurting like a SOB. I have to take my meds every few hours to keep from hurting or I am in trouble. But I was able to sleep most of the night. I am grateful for that. Just sucked that I have been up mostly since 0600. I only got about 2 hours of sleep before I had to get my niece. I made breakfast and thought today was going to be ok but I guess the pain meds wore off and now I can’t stand to save my life. My foot keep going asleep on me and when I move it to “wake” it, my leg pain starts up. I really am miserable. It’s awful not being able to walk. I wish I could cut my ankle off. Then if it hurt, there would be a reason. But right now, there is NO fucking reason why I should be in pain. I didn’t do anything but normal stuff like walking up and down stairs. I didn’t stand too long anywhere. I just rested. But I guess I did one too many flights of stairs and now I am paying for it.

My therapist wanted to continue with the SSF and she tried to assess my mental status. Frankly, I don’t know what my mental status is right now other than being really pissed off because I can’t walk. It really is killing me that I can’t do a damn thing without setting my leg pain off. And the swelling is hurting me more than anything and I can’t get it down. I tried elevating it and icing it. NOTHING. I really flared it up and I don’t know what I did. I could kill myself but why and with what? I am trying to just be comfortable being a suicide attempt survivor who is now an author. I don’t think it would be good if I killed myself two months after my book is out.

did too much

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Did way too much today. I woke up early to meet up with a friend but her commuter rail line had problems so she couldn’t come into town. I was sad as I really wanted to see her today. But we decided to reschedule so that was good. I then had a few hours to kill before my pdoc appointment so went back home and had my coffee. I also wrote a bit while making an appointment for my father and emailing a junk yard to see if they wanted my car.

My pdoc appointment went okay but I am frustrated that there is nothing new to try to get me out of this depression that I am in. I could go back to the Cymbalta but why? I will just get sick from it, eventually. So we go another two weeks without med changes and me suffering. I told her I was mostly depressed because of pain and she said I am doing too much. I know I am. I walked more today than I have all year and now I am paying the price. My ankle is so swollen I can’t move it and it hurts so bad when I do. I am in bed until 1145 tomorrow when I have to pick my niece up again. I still have not finagled how I am going to watch her while I have therapy at 1230. I hope I am home in time to get her settled while I talk on the phone for 50 minutes.

I really need to have a rest day but that isn’t going to happen until Friday of this week. I am picking up my niece from school MTW and then I have my father’s doc appointment Thursday. I have to be up at 0630 Thursday to get my sister’s car so I can take him. I will be finding out where my sister’s work in Cambridge is located. It will be good to know in case I have to go there one day. I know I am doing too much this week and obviously I am still not rested from my activities from Saturday. This totally sucks and no one gets it. I just am in disbelief about how I was able to work two jobs while in this much pain.

My cousin came over my sister’s while I was babysitting. I do not like this cousin as she is very dramatic and high strung. She is also a hypochondriac. She was telling me today that she thought she had breast cancer at age 15. I guess that is when it started for her. It turned out she just had fibrosis. She is about 8 years older than I am. And as bad as I didn’t feel good, she just kept on yapping and yapping. When she told me she was on Adderall, everything fit. Supposedly she is on it because she has ADHD. I think she is just bipolar and not diagnosed. She didn’t care that I was in pain, and kept asking me what was wrong. It was like talking to a brick wall. She just wasn’t getting it. I wish she would have just left but she just made herself at home, fixing herself something to eat and drink. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t wait for my sister to come home so I could leave. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than to get the hell away from her. Course, all I wanted to do at that point was to be in my bed with my foot up.

I am very tired as it has been a very long day and tomorrow is going to be longer as I got the munchkin all afternoon. I really am not looking forward to it but someone has to watch the munchkin after school. Last day of school is Wednesday. That is because my city calls snow days at the mention of the word snow in the forecast. Doesn’t even have to have a snowflake on the ground and school will be called off.

Ramblings 69

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I was so exhausted yesterday I didn’t write a blog. I was tired and tearful. Little things would make me cry and then I couldn’t stop. Very unusual for me.

I had a rough day today. My mother woke me up at around 0730 because the microwave was broken and she accused me of breaking it. We got into an argument so I couldn’t settle down and go to sleep. After 0830, I called the company to find out what “F3” meant and got no where. So I had to go on the website to find out the keypad was toast. F3 meant it shorted out. It probably happened the other day when the power went out and then something happened this morning to finally make it bust. So when I called my mother and explain she was all upset. Sorry, we need a new microwave.

After the finagling of phone calls and computer work, I took shaved and took a shower. Got dressed and went to the bus stop wicked early. About ten minutes while waiting my phone rings and it was a private number. Thinking it was my father, I picked up. It was my pdoc saying she had to cancel due to an emergency and could I reschedule for Monday. Fine. I left the bus stop, went home and had a cup of coffee.

After the coffee, I was trying to take a nap. HAHA yea right. My sister called and told me my father is not doing well and could I go over his house to bring him some Ensure as he hasn’t been eating. I then asked what to do with my niece as I was supposed to pick her up later in the afternoon. I called her sister and she was able to pick her up so I could see my father. He looked awful. He needs fluids but doesn’t want to go to the hospital because it is Friday. UGH!!!! So he rather stay feeling horrible than be treated. His choice. I can’t change his mind. But I do make sure he drinks an Ensure before I leave. At least he has some nutrition in him for the day.

I come home and I am starving. I had eggs this morning but no lunch and now it’s getting close to dinner time. Microwaving something is out so I get a half pizza for myself and mother as a whole one would be too much.

I get home, eat and check on my “kids”. My youngest niece is sleeping and the older one made cupcakes. On a hot day! My leg is now killing me from walking around the world today. It was really bad last night and almost had a PTSD panic attack. But I took some Ativan and went to sleep. This leg pain is really bringing me down. I know it’s just whatever is wrong with my leg/foot/ankle but when it acts up, I get freaked out thinking I am getting CES again because I can’t move my toes. I can’t move my toes because of pain and swelling. I am resting now so hopefully I don’t have to go down the stairs again tonight. I really just want to chill on my bed and read a book or something. The less I stay on my feet the better.

My stats for everything, book sales, blog, and Kindle all suck right now. No one is buying my book. No one is reading my blog. I got 10 people yesterday, today was 9. I am so depressed. I usually get at least 20 hits per day and I just am not getting it anymore. I know I haven’t been writing as much and my writing is not as dark. I should be happy with the few people that actually read my blog and I am. I just want to get to 25K before the end of the month and that is not going to happen if my numbers don’t start improving.

So that has been my day. And I still have not had a nap. My Sox aren’t on until after 2200. I hate west coast games. The Sox are playing the number one team in the AL right now. We lost last night. Probably going to lose again tonight but we’ll see.

my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome

BookCoverImage

If anyone wants to read and review my book, please comment. Book is available where ever books are sold, including amazon.com