Tag: suicidality

Saturday Blog 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 5

It’s another Saturday. I wanted to do nothing today but when I woke up, I really wanted a cup of coffee so I made a cup. I then decided to go to the grocery store to get my own cream so I don’t have to keep taking my sister’s. I also got some American cheese as it was on sale. I don’t know how, but the few things I bought came to about $20. And now I am hurting because I was standing too much while waiting at the deli counter.

I woke up at 0330 in pain. I am starting to think that my pain meds wear off and soon after, I wake up because the pain is so bad. This is the second night in a row that I woke up in the wee hours of the morning. My thoughts got really dark and I started planning my death. I think I even texted my therapist that I was going to do something and this time, she is not going to stop me. I just can’t stand being in pain anymore. It’s exhausting.

Last night I went out to see a friend of mine from Australia. My pain level was medium so I could actually see him without it bothering me too much. And if it did, at least I could rest today. We had a good chat and then he was off to his next destination, NJ (New Jersey for those not familiar with US abbreviations). He messaged me just as I was waking up this morning. I had to laugh out loud when I said who the hell would be wanted to chat at this hour. I am glad it was him telling me he arrived okay and not someone else. I really was not in the mood to talk to someone at 0330! I was in a lot of pain and in a really bad mood.

In baseball news, my boys still suck. They lost to the Skankees last night 6-0. I am glad I didn’t watch the game because I was out with my friend. Then today I find out they called up a rookie only to have him sit on the bench. I am shaking my head at that one. But I think he will play later in the game as Nava doesn’t play complete games. They usually pull him after the 5th inning. I hope they put in the rookie and not Gomes. Gomes has sucked as a pinch hitter and worse as an outfielder. He just doesn’t have the same interest in playing like he did last year. Least that what it looks like to me when I watch him play.

Just realized, I forgot to get cookies while I was at the grocery store. Dammit. Oreo just came out with Reese peanut butter Oreos. They are the BOMB. My niece and I ate the entire package in one day. They were that good! I don’t think I can go back to regular Oreos now. I wish they just sold the chocolate cookies. I can do without the plain crème. Now I want something sweet.

spoon shortage

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Spoon shortage

Earlier this week, my mother asked me where our big spoons were. I said I didn’t know, maybe the dishwasher ate them. She wasn’t amused.

It got me thinking about how much I need spoons lately. Just for me to shower and go to the store took more spoons than I realized. Spoons, for those that don’t know or are new to my blog, is a metaphor for energy based on a blog I read years ago. I have posted it here so you can try and understand what I am talking about.

I am in a lot of pain right now. I think I am done for the day and that is too bad because I wanted to see my Australian friend today. He said we would meet up sometime in the afternoon but I still haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out of spoons, too. He was in a car accident the other day and has whiplash. He was hurting pretty good. Whiplash sucks. I experienced it once and never want to again. Tonight is also my nephew’s birthday party. I don’t know if I will be making an appearance or not. Depends if I can get this pain that I am feeling under control or not.

It sucks being in chronic pain. I haven’t had a break all week. Today was going to be a rest day but I had to shower and then go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I also wanted chocolate. So after my shower, I got dressed and went to the pharmacy. I also did some shopping as my mother wanted pudding. My protein bars were on sale so I grabbed some of those as well. I got home and my mother flipped out on the “junk” I bought. I didn’t say anything to her. I swear sometimes she thinks I uses HER money to buy MY stuff. I don’t. If I want to use my money to buy “junk”, then so be it. Least I didn’t order food like I wanted to. I have been craving Pad Thai but I am doing good and not buying it. I still have to go to the meat market and get my burgers. I also need to learn how to cut up an avocado so I can have it on my burger. I love avocados.

I was feeling some more of the self hate again today. I saw a shadow of me and one of things on my chest and I got really sad. I so want to be flat chested. It’s very distressing to me and I can’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t think I can even talk to my therapist about it because then she wants to “fix” the problem and have me see the people at the gay clinic. I just can’t be bothered with it. I just rather die than deal with it. Even if I could grow facial hair, I still will have breasts. And I doubt testosterone fixes that. It’s really hard for me to talk about. It’s just another thing about self-image that I cannot tolerate. My therapist says I don’t see myself, that the image is not what it is. She is right. I don’t see myself as a man and never will as long as things are the way they are. She just doesn’t get how much it hurts me to the point of wanting to take my life. And if I ever have the opportunity to take it, you know that damn well I will take it.

blog views and self hate

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, transgender, writing

Blog views

Today I hit 25,000 views on this blog and I want to thank all that read it. Without your readership, it would not be successful as it is.

Last night, I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t go down the stairs and I wanted a burger so I literally bumshuffled down the stairs to get to my delivery. It was a long wait and just as I was going to call, they called me and said my burger took a “field” trip. I don’t want to know what that means but the guy said he would make a fresh one and it would be on him. It was so good. I need to learn how to peel an avocado. I love them and especially like them in my burger.

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up at 0430 in pain. And it took almost three hours to go back to sleep. I slept for a few hours and then I had to get up. I had to run some errands before my father’s doctor appointment. I finally faxed my forbearance for my student loan so they can stop hounding me. Apparently being on disability is not a “hardship”. UGH. I just am glad they will leave me alone now, least for the next few months.

I really felt suicidal today for the first time in months. I am having severe body image issues. I keep bumping into things with the honkers on my chest and I hate the gap between my little stubble on my face. I really want to get it even so that there is no gap but no matter how much I shave in between, there is no hair growth. I hate it. I just want to be ten feet under. I haven’t thought of a plan to kill myself. I just want to die. No one understands and it hurts so bad to be in the body I am not in. I think if I were male, things would have been different. But no, I am transgender so my life has to be harder. I hate my life. I hate ME, period. I hate living life the way that I am because it is not me and if I am ME no one will accept it. No one will love me, not like many people love me now but still. I have no worth, no purpose. I hate the things on my chest. I wish I could cut them off for good. But I can’t afford it. If I had any brains I would save up for the operation but that is hard to do with disability. Plus, I am not sure I can find a good surgeon in the area that won’t leave me with an infection of some sort. Hospitals are breeding grounds for bugs these days. I am tired of fighting with my mind over this matter. It is time to put the matter to rest and the only way I know to do that is to plan my death. It is what I do best.

Power is out

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Power is out

Our power has been out for the past half hour. I decided to write a blog as I won’t be getting distracted with the internet while I type.

I still can’t walk. I picked up my niece, relatively pain free, until I came home. Then my leg had a fit and I have been walking with a cane since. I can barely stand on my own. Any weight that I bear on my left leg sends it to spasms. I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t stay in my room all day. My older niece is watching the younger one right now.

My prescription at Walgreens is ready to be picked up. I guess I can try tomorrow and see if I can walk there. I could do that now but I barely made it up the stairs to my room and I really don’t feel like going down two flights of stairs and then walking a few blocks to Walgreens today. It will kill me. I need to rest as I am out of “spoons”.

My room is getting stuffy but it’s cooler than the rest of the house because I had the AC on. I am hoping it comes back soon. Today is the first really hot day in a long time so I bet a transformer or something blew as the neighborhood is out. I just hope it gets fixed soon. I can’t take the heat or humidity. It just sucks. I thought about going to Starbucks to get my coffee but again, I won’t be able to walk there, not with this amount of pain that I am in.

It really sucks not having the internet. Hopefully this blog gets posted today. I guess that is an advantage of having a battery operated laptop. You can still use Word to get stuff done. I could edit my short story but without light in my room, that is difficult. I have the window blocked for all light because it hurts my eyes and I hate sleeping with light in my room during the day. I never know how I am going to sleep so it’s good that my room is dark.

Just had therapy. We talked more about my PTSD symptoms and medicating myself than anything. I feel guilty taking my pain meds but if I am dissociating like she says I am, I am obviously in a lot more pain than I realize. She said that it was okay for me to take my pain meds and that helped a little. She also said that I should use my stronger pain med to try and break the pain cycle. She is just looking out for my psychological interests because she knows if I start feeling trapped because of my pain, I will have a suicidal episode that no amount of medication is going to help me. Unless I overdose or something. She is trying to keep me as sane as possible. But I still am having anxiety about getting CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, again. If I was still having the back pain I was having a few weeks ago, I would be in the ER so fast. But I am not. I just can’t bear any weight on my left leg and I don’t know why. I know it is because it is swollen and tender. But there is no apparent injury. I didn’t fall. No one hit me in the leg. I wasn’t in a car crash or other traumatic event. It just flared up on me and now I am paying the price because I socialized at my niece’s graduation party. I stood and walked too much around the room. Granted it was hurting me before the party. I had gone to a Sox game a few nights before. And this is why I am on disability. Because I can’t stand more than a few hours and I can’t walk more than say 300 feet in a certain amount of time. Monday I over did it with me walking around the world. Now I just have to rest my leg. But it is so hard being laid up. I can’t do anything. All I can do is non-mobile stuff like writing, reading, and watching movies. I hate being immobile. HATE it. But if I don’t stay off my feet I am in pain, severe, debilitating pain.

I would so order out tonight but that would mean having to go down stairs to the first floor and I just can’t do that. I wish you could order just a few things on Peapod (online grocery shopping) but you have to have a minimum of $60 to place an order. I don’t need $60 worth of groceries. But I am wondering if that will be a good idea so I don’t have to walk around the grocery store to get what I need. I am in such a pickle with money though. I like to have some cash around because some friends are coming up to see me and I would like to go out with them. But if I don’t get this pain under control, going out except for the house burning down is going to be my only option of leaving my room. Right now, I am trying to strategize how to get to the pharmacy to get my prescription that I need. I can’t do the little things so forget about the bigger things (going out with friends). Hopefully, I will have the car tomorrow so that will make my life a little easier. I still have to take my father to his doc appointment. Something I am not looking forward to because his doc is NEVER on time and I hate waiting!