Tag: suicidality

it sucks when the bipolar part of me comes out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It sucks when the Bipolar part of me comes out

Past few hours, I have been keyed up. My thoughts are racing. I am thinking of a million things to do at once. Around 2300, I decided to make burritos so I could have them in the morning. I made four and ate one. One burrito was pathetic as I didn’t put enough egg in it. I had fun making them. I thought it was a good distraction for my pain but I was wrong. Soon as I tried to settle down, my pain got bad. I listened to a podcast and that helped some.

I took some more pain meds and was going to turn in. I had to move my stupid pillow that likes to make a break for my nightstand. Somehow moving it caused my fricken ankle and foot to go berserk on me. Now I am in pain again. Glad I took my pain meds. If I could walk, I would probably go for one right now because I just need to burn off this energy influx that I have. I hate when my Bipolar part of me gets activated. I probably will be feeling up for a day or so and then crash like I always do. I know not sleeping the past few nights caused this to happen. Also this time of year.

It’s so weird because it’s like my mood took a complete 180. The other night I was swimming in despair and now I feel on cloud nine. I am in pain but it isn’t quite affecting my mood so much. I can handle it a little bit better. Yet I still want to end my life. I am just trying not to dwell on it so much right now because things have shifted. I know it is temporary. I will probably feel like shit tomorrow and not want to get out of bed. I need to go into town though. I have to get my meds squared away. Fricken hate this sometimes but it is a necessary evil.

I feel like having another cup of tea but I know if I do, I probably won’t sleep at all. I really am on a tea kick. I don’t know why. I should make coffee tomorrow and see if I can drink it. I have been wanting to see if I could drink it but I am not sure. I think the new French press might have changed the way the coffee tastes. It has a new filter so the right amount of coffee is being filtered. I am just wondering if it is taking the flavor away as well. Or maybe I am not using the right amount of water. I don’t know. I had it down pat the water to coffee ratio. Now I think I have to adjust because it is a new press. Maybe I am off by an ounce or something. I hate playing with it. I wish the beaker had markings on it saying how much water you are putting in. I have just been going by the wordings on the container. Not a good measure, I know. But on my old one, that was how I knew I put just the right amount of water to coffee.

I just emailed my psych telling her I am hypomanic. I told her I don’t expect it to last. Thank fucking god I don’t get paid this week. God only knows what shit I would buy from Amazon. One of the Twitter people I follow had an Amazon suggestion for a pine coffin. HOLY SHIT! That is all I need to know. I can build my own coffin! I want a pine coffin anyway. I don’t need the fancy shit. Just put me in the box and then in the furnace. It said it was good for cremations. It was $600 though. I don’t have that much dough left over after I pay all my bills. If I skim, I usually have around $200 or so. I am trying to lower my grocery order to less than $150. I want to make cauliflower buffalo bites so need the ingredients for it. I think my mother and I will like it. I am just worried the stuff is not going to stick to it because according to the directions, all it needs is water on the cauliflower and then you dip it in flour and then flax seed. I don’t know if there is more to it than that. I had the recipe up but I had to restart my laptop because it was being a fink. I will be so damn happy when my other laptop gets fixed. Then I can shove this POS in the toilet. Actually, probably not as I don’t want to wreck the plumbing.

My ankle and foot are really fucking hurting me. Making those burritos was not a good idea, even though my belly is happy. I need more picante sauce. I had to order it. I just hope I have enough until next week. If not, I know Walgreens has it. I can pick it up later today when I go out, which might be in twelve hours from now. Fucking fuck. IF I get to sleep. I bet my mother is going to fucking call at 8 asking me to put on her socks. I hate doing it only because you have to wear these thick gloves that have special contacts on them to make putting on the socks easier. They do help so the sock doesn’t slip so easily. But they are so damn tight and hard to take off. Putting them on is hard too.

The podcast I heard tonight was Terri Clark and Sara Evans, two country music artists. They were talking about how females were basically being shut out of commercial country and they are. All you hear on the radio are male artist and that bitch Miranda Lambert, who got all the fricken female awards at the ACMs. Carrie Underwood is big but Miranda is a slimeball. In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t like her much. She just looks like a bitch. I miss the radio days where you did hear Terri, Sara, Martina McBride, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and others from the 90s. Maybe I am just an oldie. But their music was good and made you get into a groove. I like the male artists but like Terri and Sara was saying, they all sound the same. And they do. They don’t have a distinctive voice like Chris Stapleton or George Jones. Tim McGraw has come a long way but he is moving toward pop like the rest of them. Taylor I can’t say. I will love her always, even though her videos are like WTF. She has moved to pop, too though she is trying to go back to country, so they say. I think she will have some competition with bitch face Lambert. I heard she is doing something with Sugarland. That will be interesting because Jennifer Nettles and Kristain Bush are wonderful songwriters. I really can’t wait for their album but I think it will come out after I am gone. Even country radio has changed. I started listening to WKLB in 1993 when they first aired. They had many personalities and the only one that has remained throughout the years has been Carolyn Kruse. She is a sweetheart. I was sad to see Lori Grande, Keith Stephens, JW, and Steve Kelly leave. I don’t know if they were fired or left voluntarily because their contracts were up. We’ll probably never know. I know a lot of their fans were hurt. I know that if Kruser leaves, I won’t listen to the station anymore, which will kind of stink because I won’t know new music coming out from new artists. I follow a lot of my favorite artists so I keep a float with their new stuff. But the others, like Cam, I would probably miss if it weren’t for the radio. I found out Cam came out a couple of years ago. She had a Grammy for her song Burning House. I never knew that.

feeling off and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia

Feeling off and other things

I woke up in the middle of the night, again. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so stayed up for a couple of hours. I went back to sleep some time around 5. My med alarm went off around 0730. I shut it off but didn’t take my meds. I just laid there and fell back to sleep. Then my mother called to put on her socks. I took my meds and went to her room. It was a little easier to put on the socks today than it was yesterday. I used the bathroom and then went back to my room to snooze for a bit. I was really tired.

I wanted to make pancakes and burritos. I started with the pancakes. They were good. I only made two of the four I made. I’ll probably have them tomorrow morning. I never made the burritos as I got really tired and dizzy like I was going to pass out. I told my mother not to call me for dinner as I wasn’t feeling well. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was dizzy and just out of it. Probably because I’ve had no sleep.

It was cold in my room and it took forever to get comfortable. I kept having to adjust my blankets. Then when I got comfortable, my pain spiked. For some reason, I got intense pain near my malleolus that made me cry out. I had such intense suicidal feelings. I felt like another 2 months was too long. I wanted to do it now! I don’t care. I can’t take this stupidity anymore. I had just taken a strong pain pill so after a while, the pain went away and I was able to sleep. I didn’t sleep long. My bladder was threatening to explode so I got up. I was still feeling awful.

I had dinner and watched the rest of the Sox game. We won 3-1. We still have the best record of 13-2 so far. I think it is quite amazing. I still want to go to a game before I die. I want to sit in the seats in the bleachers, section 37. I think those are the best seats because you can see the entire field and scoreboards. I want to be in the first few rows though, not up in the stands, only because of my mobility issues. I know the tickets will be expensive. I think when I last looked they were like $60 or more, depending where you sat. And that was just for one ticket! I remember when they used to be $8 for the same seats!

After I had dinner I was still feeling crappy so went up to my room. I did my med box for the week. I tried to settle down but pain once again shot up. I am so damn tired. I really want to sleep at least 6 hours straight with no interruptions. This sleeping every few hours shit has to stop. I don’t know why I am sleeping so lousy. Yes, I am in pain and that has been the main reason. I think being up most of the day yesterday really messed me up. I don’t like being up in the middle of the night either. I thought for sure I was going to sleep through the night because I was up all day. HA, that was a joke. Maybe I will take some mirtazapine tonight so it will knock me out. The Neurontin I think hasn’t been too effective in putting me to sleep. I also think it might be causing the dizziness because I am not sleeping it off. I won’t be taking it tonight. If I feel better tomorrow, then I can probably say the Neurontin is causing the dizziness for some reason. I don’t know why as I have been taking it for years at relatively the same dose. I only took 600 mg last night instead of 900 mg so not sure why I am so fricken crappy.

Other than seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, I have no other appts this week. Tuesday I need to go to my PCP’s office to get my scripts for my meds. I was thinking of getting my haircut but I am still on the fence about it. Depends on how I feel. I want to take a shower tonight. I think I will after I take my night meds. Maybe that will help me feel a little better.

My Story of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My story of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome

I have had complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS) for almost eight years. I don’t remember exactly when it occurred. I would have to go back to the first podiatrist I saw in 2010 as he told me I had a sprain. The sprain occurred after I had a bad few days of really awful spasms in my foot. The spasms were so bad that it caused my foot to turn outward and even though I manually turned it in to stop the spasm, it turned right back. I was in agony afterwards. The meds, quinine and Zanaflex that I was taking did nothing to help these spasms. I had a nerve injury in my leg nine years prior and the same nerve injury four years before. I won’t go into that because it is another complicated syndrome.

I don’t have the typical presentation of CRPS. I don’t have the discoloration, temperature changes, swelling, etc. I just have pain and a little bit of swelling that causes my veins to pop out on my foot when I am in a flare. It makes the half of my ankle that is affected look bluish. I went to many doctors in the Boston area as well as in Boston. I must have seen specialists of all kinds, orthopedics, ankle surgeons, podiatrists, neurologists, physiatrists, etc. No one could really tell me what was going on. My neurologist that I was seeing for migraines and my nerve injury thought I had CRPS and so did at least two physiatrists that I saw. My former PCP was not convinced as he thought it was some mechanical thing going wrong with my foot/ankle so he sent me to more doctors that didn’t have a clue what was wrong with me.

During this time, I was working two different but the same type of jobs. I was working as a lab assistant in research and in the clinical labs. I worked anywhere from 40-50 hours a week. When my foot and ankle were bothering me, that kind of hindered my work. When one of the physiatrists sent me to a physical therapist to be evaluated for an AFO, I chose one job as moving around the two labs was difficult. I chose the clinical lab as I have been there the longest. But that was short lived as I couldn’t stand the pain when I came home. It was so bad and nothing was working except the opiate meds that I was taking, which I couldn’t take while working because it affected my cognition. Eventually, I had to put in restrictions as just walking around the lab was getting harder and harder to do. Because of my nerve injury, I couldn’t do certain things and then with my foot/ankle being impaired it made things harder. I ended up on forced medical leave and had to apply for long term disability and social security disability. Fortunately with all my medical records, I got both.

The pains that I had at first had changed. The pain is always changing during a flare. If my foot got cold due to the weather or even from the AC in my room, I had to wear thermal socks even if it was 90+ outside. Then the burning would happen once I got warmed up. It was terrible. I had to take one pain med for the physical pain and then another med for the burning pain. As recently as last night, I had several different pains at once. I had the feeling like a wire was around half my ankle, strangling it; a coring feeling that something round was trying to scoop out my last two metatarsals (foot bones) in my foot; there was stabbing along the tendons from my ankle down my foot in an L pattern; and the last three metatarsals were being played like a xylophone. There are other pains too. I sometimes feel like my foot is being crushed, the “glob”, which is an area of my ankle that has muscles, tendons, and ligaments are just throbbing. My bones ache terrible. My malleolus (ankle bone) was also being hammered severely last night. That is the worst pain that I have ever felt. I do not like bone pain because I have to take a strong pain pill for it and that pill can give me a lot of side effects, mostly constipation.

For some reason, only half of my ankle and foot are affected from the middle part outward. The inner part doesn’t hurt at all, though sometimes my big toe will hurt. No one has a reason for this. One doctor has said that it is a nerve injury and now my current PCP thinks that is the case despite my bone scan saying I have CRPS. It is very frustrating to deal with pain like this that just keeps you up at night or wakes you up in the middle of the night because your pain meds have worn off. All this week I have not had good sleep and have gone to bed between 4 and 6 in the morning. I tend to sleep all day, or most of it. It’s hard planning stuff because of my pain. I don’t have much of a social life. I don’t go to family gatherings or parties because I don’t know how my pain is going to be. Just taking half a step is enough to set off a flare. Or any type of movement can set it off. There have been many times I have been sitting in my bed, playing on my laptop and moved a little to get comfortable and wham, I am hit with pain. Another things that CRPS likes to do is after fifteen minutes of lying down or so, my foot or ankle will “explode” with pain. All I did was lay down. That was my crime. This is a terrible condition. I have thought about suicide many times during a flare. Fortunately, while in a flare, I am unable to walk so going through with something deadly is not going to happen. I tend to put it off till the pain goes down, but usually the morning comes and I no longer feel suicidal. I live another day.

I take small doses of short acting opioids throughout the day to manage my pain. My PCP wanted me to see a pain doctor so after four months, I did. He didn’t think I should be treated with pain medication. According to his notes, which I requested, he says I just need physical therapy. I was in physical therapy for three months. My flares were worse and the stress of going to the appointment and trying to keep up with home exercises was causing me more pain. I decided to quit PT until I had adequate pain control. I am still waiting. A month ago I last saw my pain doctor. He said he need to collaborate with my PCP and my psychiatrist then get back to me. I am still waiting. I honestly don’t think I will be treated with pain medication. In his notes, he has stated that he does not think pain meds are for me, though doesn’t state the reason. I am too exhausted to care. I pretty much decided to continue with what I am currently taking. I have made the decision to end my life at a specific time. No doctor wants to help me because the opioid epidemic is all based on lies and deceit. More chronic pain patients will end their lives or die a sudden death like Dr. Forrest Tennant has written about. The suffering will continue as long as the DEA continues to threaten doctors and keep them from being doctors.

swear post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Swear post

**********Warning offensive language in the blog post *************

I am in deep fucking pain and I can’t fucking stand it anymore. They say that swearing can decrease pain. What bullshit! If that was the case, I would be pain free by now! I wouldn’t need medication, just throw a couple of fucking fucks and boom, pain gone. Maybe it only works on stubbed toes. I don’t know.

I have been trying to sleep since I ended my blog about 4 or so hours ago. I took my meds a little after 1900. But when my mother came upstairs I had to check on her because she was breathing heavy. Then I had to pee. I then decided to have an ice cream sandwich and when I sat down, my fucking malleolus exploded. It felt like a burning hot rod was being driven into the bone. I looked down and there was a black dot on it. I foolishly fucking touched it and holy fuck I saw stars. I limped back up to my room. I dreaded going up the fucking stairs.

I got into bed and within a few minutes, the top of my foot felt like it was being grated with a cheese grater. It was so painful. I was ready to lose my fucking mind. It was just a little after 2200 so I took some Neurontin for the nerve pain. There is nothing else I can take. I took my pain meds at 2145. I don’t remember when I took the strong pain pill. Probably around 2000. For those that are new to my blog, I write in military time because I like it better than regular time. I think it is cool. Plus working in the hospital for so many years where I had to use it kind of stuck with me.

I might take another strong pain pill. I need something. I think I only took one pill today so I can take another one. I have been listening to my country radio station. On songs that I like, I have been tweeting the night time person saying I love the song. She is great as she quickly responds. One of these days I will get the nerve to call and request a song. I did that once and it was a disaster. I must have been on the phone with the person for at least five minutes and after the song I wanted he didn’t have, I was stuck to think of any other song. So embarrassing. I completely blanked out.

My favorite new artist Cam just did a cover song that she co-wrote with Sam Smith called Palace. It was okay. They didn’t show her face during the video. She is one hot woman! I love her. But she is younger than I am so I can’t really like her too much. But she does have an awesome voice.

I keep having waves of exhaustion and feelings like I am just going to fucking drop into sleep. I have been having these stupid waves all damn day. I was really hoping to be asleep by 2000. But for whatever reason, I am still fricken awake. I am kind of suicidal. The paper that I had to call for my pension is NOT for my pension. I am so frustrated. I probably am going to have to call my benefits office and see if I can cash out. Then I can seriously plan my death in three months. I hope the process is not too complicated. I just want to fucking die but I don’t want my family to be stuck paying for my funeral. I need to find my will that I wrote a few years ago. I want to update it. Got a few other details to get done then I can feel somewhat at ease about my planning.

I’m just fucking done with trying to go on. I can’t stand the pain anymore. The unpredictability of it is fucking distressing and waiting for meds to work all the time, wondering if they will. The losing sleep, the up all night, sleeping all day, just having no life. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t I’ve tried the last few months to get help, but my docs are being cowards or just passing me off saying this one will take care of it when the no one really does. No sense in being hospitalized because they won’t do anything to help either. Just fuck it. Game over. Three strikes, you’re out!