Tag: suicidality

no sleep again!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

No sleep again

I didn’t fall asleep until 0630 this morning. I was up all night. Every time I wanted to lie down, my foot or ankle or both, acted up in severe pain. I slept for about 7 hours before my damn mother called me wanting to know where I was. I didn’t pick up the phone. I took my pain meds. Then went downstairs to use the bathroom.

A friend had messaged me saying she was at work and I could swing by with my books whenever. I told her I would be by in about a half hour. I really didn’t want to go but I wanted to see my friend. I trudged up the hill to the office she was at and I was hurting. My ankle and toes acted up. I gave her the books and then left. I had an errand to do for my mother so I went to Walgreens. I wanted a drink or a snack so I got a Mountain Dew energy drink. It didn’t give me energy. My ankle is really acting up. I am in a lot of pain. I finished my zucchini bread and the rest of the energy drink. I told my mother I would be ordering Chinese food for dinner. She said ok. I think ordering Chinese is the only thing that she likes me to order. She never gives me a hard time about it but if I order a burger or any other type of food, she does. I don’t get it. It’s not like I am using her money. Whatever.

I’m pretty wiped out. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I really wanted to change my sheets today but I knew that I would feel shitty when I got up. Guess it will have to wait till tomorrow. I am hurting pretty bad. My ankle just kicked up a few notches so I had to take the strong pain pill. It was hurting so bad my thoughts immediately went to suicide. I’m starting to keep a record of the consecutive days that I think about suicide due to pain only. If I think about suicide because of my depression or psychache, it doesn’t count.

OSU plays their first football game of the season tomorrow. I can’t wait. I have been looking forward to their games all summer. I think the Huskers play on Saturday. I tried downloading the schedule but couldn’t get it. I’ll just have to look online. I used to have the college football app but couldn’t find it in Google Play. I loved that app.

Think I need to take another strong pain pill. Pain is not going down and now my ankle bone is hurting really bad. This makes day 4 of it hurting. Tomorrow I don’t have to do a damn thing, other than change my sheets if I am up to it. I am not going out or anything. It will be a rest day. I’ll shut my phone off so if my damn mother decided to call, it will go directly to voicemail. Maybe I will block her when I sleep. There is an idea. I wish she would leave a reason for her call but she never does. She just says “give me a call when you get a chance” and hangs up. Annoying!

in my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

I am totally addicted to “One Number Away”. It has been on repeat since yesterday afternoon. It touches me every time I hear it.

I am going through withdrawal symptoms from my pain meds because it has been 11 hours since my last dose. I have been sleeping all day so didn’t bother to take them when I woke up two hours ago. Sucks being dependent on a drug. And NO, being depended and addicted are two separate things. Being addicted means you need higher amounts of something to feel good. I don’t need a higher dose of my pain meds when I go through withdrawal. I just need to take the dose I take to get relief from the dizziness and lightheadedness that I feel. I almost fell backwards twice today. I thought it was because I am in Neurontin fog but now I think it’s because of the withdrawal. I have just taken my meds so I should be feeling better in about a half hour.

My mother is making dinner right now. Sausages and potatoes. I have a funny relationship with sausages. I like them but sometimes the taste makes me not like them. It’s weird. I’ll probably eat more potatoes than sausages anyway.

I made coffee but couldn’t drink it. It was making me more sleepy so I decided not to drink it all. I had wanted to change my sheets today but I’m not feeling up to it. I bought these clips to hold them in place. I just hope they work and don’t rip the sheets or slip off. I got them cheap on Amazon, just $8. A catalog that my mother gets had them for $14, but it was just 2 clips. I got 3 clips. I hope it keeps my sheet from coming undone after a few days. I hate having to fix it.

I got my suicide prevention shirt from the American Association of Suicidology. I hate not being a member anymore but the fees are too much for my budget, even as a fixed budget fee. I have Twitter to keep me updated on things as people are now posting on social media the slides and stuff at conferences. It makes you feel like you are there.

I’m starting to feel better now that I took my pain meds and ate a little bit. The sweet potatoes weren’t cooked but the zucchini she made was. It was a good dinner. I love zucchini with bread crumbs. She baked it in the oven so it was crispy. Very yummy! I hope I am able to stay awake for a little bit now that the withdrawal symptoms have passed. I try not to let it happen but I have no control over my sleeping pattern. I had woken up in the early morning and didn’t go back to sleep until 0700 then woke up at 1400. It was a good sleep. I hope that I will be able to sleep tonight. I think I will because I am still tired. I’ll change my sheets tomorrow. I really don’t feel like doing that task today. I need to clear my bed off and then take the sheets off. That is the easy part. Finding a place to put my “office” is always difficult. It’s not so bad as mostly it’s just clothes more than books and notebooks like last time. I’ll do it but I need energy and I just don’t have it today.

Dentist and other things 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dentist and other things 2

I woke up in pain so took some pain meds to settle it down. After a while, it didn’t seem to work so I used some lidocaine. Then I made some coffee and breakfast. By the time I finished my coffee, it was time to leave for the dentist appointment. He looked at my gum and said it was still swollen. He wants me to continue to use the rinse. He thinks that it will go away once the bone heals. He doesn’t think the cavity on the other side needs work. Just to use the special toothpaste and the rinse. I was happy about that. Now to get myself into a routine that I stick to about brushing my teeth. It’s really hard on some days because I just don’t feel like it. I have to be better about it to avoid further teeth damage.

I came home and wanted to bake something. But I didn’t know what to make, cookies or bread. I looked over the ingredients and found that they both needed things like butter at room temp. I didn’t take anything out and I didn’t feel like waiting. I’ll bake something over the weekend. I just hope it stays cool.

Tomorrow I need to go to the meat shop to buy ground beef so I can make Manwich. I’m the only one that likes it. My mother told me to buy a big package of beef. This way I can use half and freeze half. So I will. I can always use it to make another “dirty” gravy.

Taylor Swift just came out with a new single. I bought it today as it wasn’t available last night. It’s okay, lyrics are kind of weird but I am sure I’ll get used to them. I can’t wait for her new music to come out. I love her.

Pain just shot up. And I can’t take any more pain meds for at least another two hours. Just lovely. Maybe I’ll take some Ativan so I can go to sleep. It seems that is when I have the least amount of pain. Last night I was curious to see if I fit the proposed criteria of CRPS, complex regional pain syndrome. I asked my support group what the criteria was named as I forgot. It’s called the Budapest criteria. I fit some of it but not all the characteristics so I’m kind of nervous now whether or not when I see the new neuro in Oct I will definitely be diagnosed with it. I am going to print out the sheet that I found on the net and show it to my psychiatrist. Maybe she can help me with it. I still need to email my neuro and see what the hell she was talking about when she was telling me about small muscle fiber neuropathy. I don’t know if that is the same thing as CRPS or if I have that or what. My sleep deprived brain doesn’t remember much. I just know I was mad that she didn’t exam my ankle/foot because I had the AFO on.

My depression is in sync with my pain today. I really just want to fucking die. I am just so fed up with severe pain every single day. It’s draining the hell out of me. Every morning, afternoon, night. No sleep some nights. Intense pain increases my suicidality. I just don’t know how to manage anymore. I wish the hospitalization was more helpful for me but I got a crap shoot deal. I also wish my therapist was a little more helpful in helping me with my problems rather than just have me vent to him about my frustrations which just leads me to feel more frustrated. I want to give up so bad but my “kids” keep me here. I don’t think I can kill myself knowing how hurt they will be and the subsequent consequences of having to deal with my death.

in the pit of despair

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

In the pit of despair

I have been in severe pain since 1500, so basically the last 12 hours because it is now 0315. My foot and ankle have been playing the divide and conquer game, giving me different pain in different parts of my ankle and foot, all at once. I don’t like this game at all. I can’t keep up with the pain and I don’t know what medicine to use to alleviate it. It is very frustrating.

My jaw/face was swollen so I put ice on it. It brought down some of the swelling. It is still giving me a hard time though when I eat as it feels like food is stuck there but it’s not. It’s just inflamed gums. It is so annoying. Tomorrow I go back to using the yucky rinse that causes my tongue to tingle. Fun stuff. The dentist wanted me to use the toothpaste that he gave me but I told him that it hurts to brush just once, let alone twice. He said not to use it on the hurt area. I was like, that area is where you WANT me to use it, which is why you prescribed it to me, ya Schmuck. I am not using the special toothpaste until my mouth is healed. My mouth, my choice.

I am trying not to get depressed but that is easier said than done. I feel my heart imploding and there is nothing I can do about it. It hurts and no amount of pain meds can take it away, as if it were that easy. Matters of the heart are never solved by medication. What it is solved by remains a mystery. The internal hurt that never goes away.

I was thinking of my father today. I have been flooded with memories of how he treated me, not all good. For some reason, while trying to organize the pics on my phone, his pics from when I got them loaded on my phone, including the one of him in his casket, are first in the order rather than the most recent ones that I have taken. I never thought I would forgive my father for his wrongdoings because he would never admit that he did something wrong. We were the ones that “made him” do the things to hurt us. As time is going by, and he is no longer here, I am finding a sense of peace from him knowing he can’t hurt me anymore. No more calls, no more threats, no more vengeance to the people he hated. Most people would say that my father is in heaven but I know better. He is either in Hell or purgatory. He never apologized for his sins before he died and he never would because “he did no wrong”. Asshole. But the bastard is on my mind these past few days. I got to put the pics of him in some kind of folder so I don’t come across them so frequently or it is going to drive me mad, well, madder than I already am.

I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook and a depression support group. Both are very busy and take up a lot of my feed. I’m not sure if I am going to stay in the depression group. People there are really rock bottom depressed and it doesn’t make me feel hopeful that things will be better. The other group, I am not sure about either. There is a lot of talk about suicide and suicide attempts though the rules state you can’t be talking about it. I have posted my story and someone there thinks I have season affective disorder because for three months I am depressed and suicidal. Being suicidal is not part of the SAD criteria. I have no other symptoms of being depressed other than being in despair and wanting to end my life, and of course, psychache. Those three symptoms are no where near the SAD criteria so I do not have SAD. It is part of the bipolar cycle. Most people with bipolar disorder will have this downfall about now through the fall. Studies have confirmed it. I think it is in the book Night falls fast or maybe touched with fire both by Kay Redfield Jamison. I am always good at remembering shit like this but not the source. It is my downfall.

Even though I feel despair, I really just feel nothing. I am numb. My heart is so heavy I can’t feel anything. I just want to be done with this. Being in pain sucks every day. One of the groups thought being in physical pain would be better than psychache. I said I thought the same until I had chronic pain and now it just makes me want to end my life all the more. I wonder what keeps me here, from not acting on my feelings and thoughts of suicide. They are frequent but more tolerable. Sometimes it is a passing thought, but tonight it is on my mind a lot. I haven’t picked a date or anything. I haven’t done that in months. In some ways, I think not seeing my ex-therapist has helped me be calmer about my suicidality rather than keep it heightened.

My psychiatrist has been trying to get me into a pain support group for months now and every time we get in touch with the coordinator, we are met with red tape. I really don’t care for this group. It can go to hell. But my psych really wants me to go to it. She thinks it can help me. I rather just not exist anymore. I mean, what is the point? I stay in my room most days and only go out when I have an appointment or feel like getting an espresso. Some days when I don’t leave the house, I don’t even make coffee. It has been having the opposite effect on me lately, making me tired rather than awake. I sleep. I have no friends outside of social media to talk to or hang out with. I am alone. I kind of like it but being in severe pain lately has really spun me around. I have been thinking of the plan that I came up with while in the hospital. I am just too cowardly to do it, I think. I just want to be gone. Away, permanently. Why is that so hard to understand??