Tag: suicidality

Ac in October, why not?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

AC in October, why not?

I just came home from my therapy appointment. It warmed up considerably as I made my way back home. I am sweating so I turned on the AC soon as I got in my room. It was supposed to be in the 80s but it’s 10 degrees cooler. I don’t care as long as I have AC.

I woke up five minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I waited it out before I got up to take a shower. Then I killed time before I trekked to the car. It wasn’t bad as it was last time. I guess because I wasn’t in as much pain. Surprisingly, I didn’t have to put gas in the car as it had more than a half tank. I set off and got to my appointment a half hour early. I waited in the car listening to the radio and checking Twitter.

Therapy went okay. She wasn’t able to read the password protected blog I sent her because she was putting in the wrong password. She didn’t read the text completely so didn’t see what the password was. She isn’t that technological. I told her what the password was and what the blog was about. I also told her that I emailed my psychiatrist bluntly about what is going on. We talked about my pain most of the time and how yesterday was a really bad day for me. I never cry because of pain but yesterday between the sleep deprivation and the loss of my father hitting me hard, I was more vulnerable.

We talked about my suicidality but I didn’t give her my new date and she didn’t ask. She understands why I go there and how things get so bad so quickly. What I don’t think she is getting is how fucking close I am to attempting. I am beyond snapped. I just got to get the courage to go through with it and I hope to do it sometime soon. My biggest fear stopping me is being found before I am dead and then I survive. That is the problem with taking pills, they take a while to work before they finally kill you.

We did talk about my “lovely” father as his six month anniversary is coming up next Tuesday. I really can’t believe it has been six months already. It still feels like yesterday. It’s weird yet relieving that I don’t have to deal with his abuse anymore. The hard part is that I miss his banter, his stupid, demanding phone calls. I had a voicemail message come through last week. I missed his voice so I replayed one of his old voicemails. When I played the message thinking it was the new message I was shocked for a little bit. Then I realized I didn’t get out of the message. I miss that fucker.

My therapist hasn’t texted me about liking the cake I sent her. I hope the sweetness didn’t kill her. That would be the first. Death by pumpkin cake. My mother is making lasagna for dinner. I am going to be loaded with carbs tonight. Lasagna is not my favorite dish but I will eat it if I am hungry enough. After therapy when I came back to Boston, I went to Kelly’s for roast beef sandwich and onion rings. I ate the sandwich but couldn’t finish the rings. It’s the only thing that I have had today other than a latte.

My mood is still kind of sour and my ankle is throbbing. I took some pain meds when I came home and the voices started on me. They want to know why I just don’t take the bottle. I didn’t take the afternoon dose of trilafon because I was on the road. I took it with my pain meds to shut the voices up. They have been really ornery lately, especially when I am vulnerable with pain overload. I told my therapist that my PTSD is up because the pain is so awful. I really don’t know what is going to get me out from under this. It just seems so pointless and I just want to die so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I told her I was just mentally and physically exhausted from dealing with it night after night. I am being conditioned to fall asleep around 0300 nearly every night. If I can’t break the cycle, I dread what will happen. I need two pain meds to get me through these horrible nights. I know part of it is the anxiety I have when the pain is peaking, making it hard to settle down. Then it’s pure exhaustion when I do finally sleep. It’s good that I don’t work because I would be sleep deprived nearly every work day.

a depressing blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A depressing blog

***Warning may contain suicidal ideation so if you feel like you are a fucking hero, do not read. I am writing to vent my feelings not ACT on them.***

This morning when I woke up, my hip was in awful pain. I figured it was because of the way I slept and took a pain pill. Then I went back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later to my med alarm beeping. I had to take my blood pressure medication, which I didn’t take yesterday because I woke up too late. I couldn’t miss two days in a row so I got up gingerly. My hip and ankle fought me in protest. Happy Monday to me.

I have been in a dark mood. My mood is low, only made lower because a couple of friends of mine hit the guilt button today. I made a cake and they wanted some. Problem is they are on the Cape and I am not. How I was to get them my cake was the problem. So it got eaten and they got mad. I greedily had the cake for breakfast as I made my coffee. There is one slice left, which I will have for dessert or lunch. I haven’t decided. I don’t even care if I eat real food today. I am in a rotten mood.

One of my bloggers, who I love, commented on a password protected blog. I know she means well and all but it got me angry. I wasn’t angry at her, but myself. I have failed myself, some how some way and the only way to rectify this is to end my life. Then I was going through Twitter as I am sorting through this anger I am feeling, and lo and behold a psych article is published saying placebo pills help pain when the person knowingly knows this. WTF. You mean to tell me I need to take a sugar pill for my pain? Hold the phone. I will take the last week of my birth control pills (those are sugar pills) and see if they help the intractable pain that I feel every fucking night. Fucking idiots. I wish it was that fucking simple.

This study enraged me to no end. It’s just the fuel that the idiotic DEA and senators need to stop manufacturing life saving opioid medication to those in need. Here just take a sugar pill and you will be fine. I really don’t want to be around when that shit hits the fan. This further exasperates the idea that the pain is all in your head mentality. Even as we speak my ankle is throbbing pretty darn good. It must be in my head that is making it that way after all this time. After all, there is nothing structurally wrong with my ankle. It’s picture perfect, minus a little swelling here or there. And I need to live for this bullshit? For what? Why must I endure more pain and agony every day/night? I will try the sugar pill experiment and let you know how it goes, though.

My mother called a little while ago. She wanted to know if I was going out. No, I am not going out. Why she asked. I didn’t have the time or patience to tell her that I am in a rotten mood and that my colon might explode after all the stuff I had to take to go to the bathroom. That I felt like killing myself and that I just want to be left alone. That my ankle and hip were competing in pain and they haven’t decided which one was going to win today. So I just said because I am not going out in my irritated voice. She got off the phone.

And now the tears have started for whatever reason. I just feel so damn rotten. I know the grief of my father is in there somewhere. I woke up with him on my mind this morning. I still find it strange that I haven’t heard from him and then I realize why and it hurts. Doesn’t help that I painfully went through my April blogs documenting his death as well as my horrible depression that I am still in. I might not have the physical symptoms of depression anymore but I still have the mental. I don’t think I am ever going to recover from this episode. It has gone on for far too long. Just another nail in my coffin.

I had texted my therapist at noon asking for a session if it was possible. I got no response so I just texted her saying forget it, I will just deal with her tomorrow. I get to see her in person and give her my cake that I made over the weekend. I will be getting a Zipcar to see her. This will make the third week in a row that I have seen her on a Tuesday. I just hope my hip is better by tomorrow and I can walk without pain. It will suck if I have to cancel the reservation. I have decided to have her fill out the paperwork for my LTD as one of my diagnoses for disability is depression. It says physician to be filled out but she is one of my attending clinicians so if they don’t like it too damn bad. My physician doesn’t know me from Adam and I can’t let her fuck this up. It’s too important.

I really wish you could just end your life by wishing for death. It would be so much easier than having to plan your death out, make suicide notes to try and comfort those left behind. To answer the “why” you leave behind. I wish I didn’t cause people pain when I leave but I must leave. I can’t go on suffering mentally and physically anymore. It’s too exhausting. It’s not today or tomorrow. It will be within a month or so, unless the sugar pills help me.

Post 2000

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Finally Tired

I am pretty tired after all the things I did today. I haven’t heard from my psychiatrist and if I don’t hear from her tomorrow, then I guess we are good and we will talk on Friday when I see her. I texted my therapist all the pics of the cake. It came out really sweet so I think next time I am going to use less caramel sauce. The cake was really soupy from the milk/caramel concoction but it was really good. My therapist and her sweet tooth are going to have a field day.

Nebraska won their game in the final quarter. It was sweet! Indiana made an interception and the game was over. It was great. They won 27-22. Right now OSU is losing 10-3. It’s a late game so I am not sure I am going to be up the whole game. I am really tired.

I didn’t realize when you buy a CD (the physical disc), Amazon gives it to you digitally as well. That is so sweet because it saves me from having to transfer to my laptop to my phone. I hate doing that because the tracks usually need to be modified in some form and this album that I bought has two discs so it’s like 22 songs. A lot of editing. But I don’t have to do that because Amazon is downloading it to my phone as we speak so I don’t have to.

I haven’t taken any pain meds since I woke this afternoon. I hope that I don’t have a night of pain like I did last night. Last night wasn’t horrible as nights in the past, but it brought out the suicidality intolerance that I have to the brink. I also told my psychiatrist in the email I sent her, that if it wasn’t for a family member finding me, I would have tried something by now. I find it odd that she hasn’t responded.

I had to wear a long sleeve shirt tonight. It’s cold in my room and I usually have the ceiling fan going. Not tonight. It’s almost 45 degrees out and my mother doesn’t have the heat on. I wanted to take a shower but my damn brother in law still hasn’t fixed the heater in the bathroom yet. He is supposed to fix it this weekend. I am not holding my breath.

At least several of my friends and news reporters have said that “red sox nation” has to root for the Cubs. Bullshit. Not this Sox fan. I am against their manager John Maddon so he can go fuck himself. I am sorry to say that to a team of talented players who probably deserve a win but their skipper doesn’t. I can’t stand him, even when he played with the Rays. I think he is a cheat, though I can’t prove it.

OSU just took the lead! I will be so happy if they are able to keep it. It’s now the 4th quarter. Maybe I will stay up a little longer.