Tag: suicidality

An Hour of Energy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An Hour of Energy

I woke up and was feeling good. I made breakfast and coffee and then had some really good energy so I decided to run the errand I wanted to do. That proved harder than I thought because half way to the store, my back acted up, making it hard to walk. It wiped out my energy levels pretty fast. By the time I finished what I had to do in the store, I was wiped out. All of this took less than hour to do. I feel so rotten.

I came home and put my stuff away. I then made it to my bedroom and got undressed. My back and ankle started acting up. Pain med time! I was hoping, as foolishly as that may be, that I would have the energy to bake after my errand. No can do. I will do it on Sunday like I planned. I just hope there is room in the refrigerator for the pan.

I got the letter from the CBT place saying where to go and what floor they were on. I was thinking about this when I go a trial run and then it hit me that I could go to my favorite restaurant at Government Center. They have the Asgard burger that is wicked good. It’s an Irish place and I have been there a few times. I really like going there, when I am in the area. I also will be taking pics of the new station so I can show you. It’s really cool.

I just bought a book about managing chronic pain through CBT. I wanted to know what I was getting into before I go to this appointment. I flipped through the book, which isn’t that thick, and I am cringing on the exercises. One of them asks what increases/decreases your pain. That is a hard one because I sometimes don’t know what increases or decreases my pain because it is all over the place. What makes it hurt today, won’t make it hurt tomorrow and vice versa. It’s really challenging because even on days I don’t do anything but sleep, I will have severe pain at night. Or I could be walking all over the place, feeling good, no pain and have a good night of no pain. Then the next day I am in agony for the next few days. The worse is when I wake up in pain. That blows the day and it’s hard to get moving. Other times, I could be having no pain and all of a sudden my ankle decides not to work anymore and gives me severe pain if I do try and use it. So it’s not a clear cut answer. And even if I rest and take meds, that is mostly all I can do for my pain. Nothing else helps decrease it. But in the meantime, I am withering in agony until the pain meds kick in.

Then they had a section where you wrote down automatic thoughts. My automatic thoughts when I am withering in agony is to kill myself. Some of the thoughts they had in the book was “the pain will kill me”. I had to say yes, but I will help it do so. Just give it a nudge with some bottle of pills and hope it’s enough to do the job.

Seeing as I am cooped up for the rest of the day, I will start reading it today and see how it goes. I have never been a fan of CBT but I am willing to try and put aside my pessimism and sarcasm to see if this will help me. It is my last hope before I finally throw in the towel. I have exhausted other treatments and nothing has seemed to help. I know there are other pain meds I could try but I really don’t want to be playing with narcotics when there are opioid nuts fighting against ALL of them being “bad” for everyone, including chronic pain patients. Hell, with every script that I get with my pain meds, I get a handout of what to do if I am misusing my meds. It’s a joke. I know the addiction problem is real. But without these meds, you might as well sign my death certificate.

I am really depressed my little errand took out most of my energy and now I am cooped up. I was feeling really good while I was making breakfast. I don’t know what happened. Granted, I didn’t make anything extravagant. Just bacon, toast, and coffee. How hard is that?

Is it possible to be happy while being horribly suicidal?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Is it possible to be happy while being horribly suicidal?

Today while waiting for the bus, I was listening to my music. It wasn’t the normal playlist I usually listen to but I was playing all my songs in my music file. A few songs came on that I really love and I caught myself singing along and just feeling happy. It got me wondering what the hell was going on because the past few weeks I have been so suicidal. Hell, last Friday was my death date that I didn’t go through with and yet I still feel the urge to end my life. Yet here I was, singing along to the music like I didn’t have a care in the world.

I know people feel relieved once they make the decision to end their life. It’s like a burden is no longer on their shoulders. That the tasks that were impossible are now possible because things are going to end soon for them. I know this because I have felt it. I have gone through it. Yet somehow, some way, I have managed to survive the death dates and the horrible suicidal thoughts that have plagued me since I was young. My therapist calls me the exception to the rule. I some times call myself a coward for not going through with my plans. After all, I always keep my promises to other people but I never have been able to keep a promise to myself, and that include ending my life at some future date.

I wonder if I have finally lost my mind because I was happy this afternoon. How is it possible to feel joy and happiness after a suicidal episode? It didn’t last too long. Just for a few songs and then I started thinking about writing this blog because I think it’s important to talk about. Suicide claims over 40,000 lives each year in the US alone. Today happens to be “World Mental Health Day”. So I find it even more fitting to talk about suicide.

I’m not going to talk about statistics and data that I could bore you with about suicide. I have just my experience and knowledge that I have learned since studying about this epidemic the past 8 years. When I am not suicidal, I try to learn as much as I can about the treatments for it because it might help me through another episode. There is a lot of research out there. The top ones are CAMS, CBT, and DBT. I have given DBT a try and didn’t like it. That was more than 17 years ago and it has evolved just like CAMS has evolved over the last 25 years.

CAMS (Collaborating and Assessment of Managing Suicide) was developed by Dr. David Jobes and is by far, in my opinion, the best way to manage suicidal episodes. It is comprehensive, easy to administer and score, has a treatment plan, and doesn’t involve more paperwork than regular clinical administrative stuff. That is what I love about this tool. In it you use the forms called the Suicide Status Form to assess suicidal plans and also develop treatment strategies with the client instead of for the client. It’s a collaborative approach because everyone’s suicidal episode is not the same. What causes me to feel suicidal is not going to be the same for the next person.

Brief Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been shown to help those with suicidal thoughts and attempts. It can be used in conjunction with CAMS after assessment has been made. It’s important because this therapy helps with the cognition of suicide better than any other treatment. See the work of Craig Bryan for more information about this.

Despite my happiness lasting for a few moments in time today, I still feel a little content, which is better than I have felt the last few months. I don’t know why this has changed and I hope it’s not the bipolar in me shifting to mania. I always get worried when I am not depressed because it is what I am so used to. But I will take it. Tomorrow maybe totally different than today. Hell, tonight might be totally different than what I feel right now. But I don’t feel like taking my life today, and I think that is a good thing.

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

I really didn’t watch or listen to the Sox game but I was keeping tabs on it. I looked at the 2nd inning and it was 1-0. Then I don’t know what the hell happened, I blinked or something, and it was 4-0, Cleveland. I threw my hands in the air. I swore. I cussed out Price so bad. 30 fucking million dollars for nothing. 30 million!! And he can’t fucking pitch worth a damn! And the Sox bats were cold as fucking ice. We were shut out. Final score was 6-0. We have to win Sunday with Clay on the mound. It’s extremely unlikely but I have hope.

I have been eating like a pig since I have some home. I didn’t eat much today. I had a donut with my coffee and then I didn’t have anything else until dinner. After dinner, I had two boiled eggs and some cookie butter. Then I decided to make some pumpkin fluff which is going to be the death of me. It is so fucking awesome. I don’t think it is going to last until Tuesday when I see my therapist. I was going to share it but it might just be mine. My sweet tooth is in high gear and I think I am PMS’g, which isn’t a good thing. I just finished a pack of pills or rather just started a new pack, I forget. I just know I have gone through at least 4 packs and that is usually an indication that I am due for breakthrough bleeding. Oh Joy, just what my suicidality needs.

If the fluff doesn’t last, I will just make a pumpkin cake again. That will last a while. I just need to get more pumpkin. My back is feeling a lot better so I might be able to make it to the grocery store tomorrow to get some more. I hope they aren’t sold out. That will really suck. I just had a stroke of genius…place the fluff on top of the cake. It will be super yummy!! HA! Sweet tooth galore! That is if it survives the weekend…

I had wanted to print off my book tonight but I am not feeling up for it. I hate so much fluff that I am kind of full and sleepy. I just took my meds so I should probably wake up soon. Never fails that my meds wake me up rather than knock me out. I don’t get it because if I take them during the day, I am sleeping all day. Doesn’t make any sense.

I found out today that one of the world’s greatest suicidologists has died. Dr. Terry Maltsberger has passed away. I am glad to have met him at a conference in 2012 in Baltimore. I had him sign a chapter that he wrote in the Aeschi book. I read many things that he had wrote. He was brilliant and had great empathy for suicidal patients. He will be deeply missed.

somewhat good Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Somewhat good Friday

I did all that I had to do today. I went to my Starbucks to get my coffee and sat for a little while to write. Next thing I know, it’s time to leave for my appointment. I get there fifteen minutes early. It went well. The NP was really nice and set me up with a new PCP, which was about time. I see him in Dec. She said he is a good guy. I tend to be skeptical of this until I actually meet the person. My back was a little out of sync but I got to and fro okay. I went to the pharmacy to get my meds and there were no problems. I didn’t wait too long and they had vanilla pudding so I am plan on making my pumpkin fluff this weekend. I took out the cool whip that was in the freezer. I might also make the cake. We’ll see how the back goes.

My therapist called and she was bullshit I don’t see the CBT people until next month. She is still trying to see if I can see her on Monday. I was really appreciative that she called me on her day off to check in with me. I didn’t sleep too good last night and sent my psychiatrist an email, which she still hasn’t responded to. I might page her today, while it’s day light, to talk with her. I got so much going on and I don’t see her for another three weeks.

I kept thinking of wanting to kill myself today. I could have done it, if I had the bottle of pills with me. I don’t know if I would be able to walk to my destination but I would have tried. Now it’s just a guessing game as to when I will try. I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I am tired of being in pain every day and night. I am tired of losing sleep because of pain. I talked about that with the NP today and told her I sometimes had to take 6 pills a day to get relief. I am hoping when I see the doc in Dec he changes the order so I can have 2 more pills a day. Then I won’t be scrambling at the end of the month wondering what to do with my meds.

I’m very sleepy. I did a lot today on little sleep. I hope I don’t stay up all night again tonight. That will just be torture. Part of the reason I couldn’t go to sleep last night was because I was having PTSD symptoms. I had to keep reminding myself that the back pain I was experiencing wasn’t CES happening again. I had to take at least 2 ativans to calm down. It was really terrible.