Tag: suicidality

Back pain and heating pads

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Back pain and heating pads

I have been in agony most of the day with my back. It doesn’t want to move it’s normal way so it’s hurting me. Any movement that I make, I am in severe pain. I just was able to get it under control using my strong pain pills and a heating pad. I didn’t think a heating pad was going to work but it did. Now that I have slept most of the afternoon and evening, I can’t go to sleep.

My mind is wondering in a million directions. I am thinking of dying because that is what I think of when I can’t sleep and I am in pain. I took some Aleve to help with the pain because I am almost out of my regular pain pills. I get to see a new NP on Friday to get a refill. Oh joy. I hope she isn’t a hard ass.

I have been thinking of making the pumpkin cake again. I would make the pumpkin fluff but I don’t have vanilla pudding. I rather have the cake anyway. I can only make one dessert because I have just one can of pumpkin. I finished off the pumpkin cupcakes today. I don’t think I will make them again unless I use a different liner. The paper one that I used stuck to the cupcake making it very difficult to remove. Didn’t help that the pumpkin became all watery like. It was still good but was gooey.

I texted my therapist that I wanted to die. I don’t see why I have to live. What is the point exactly? To be in pain all the time? I am tired of being in pain. If it’s not back pain, it’s ankle or foot pain. I can’t walk with either pain. Just standing is difficult. I feel like an old crooked man as I can’t stand straight anymore. It’s just something I shouldn’t have to go through. The depression is worse every day and so is the suicidal stuff. The pain is just the icing on the cake. All I have to do is put my plan into motion. And why can’t I? Why can’t I just end my life?

I really wanted to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the MFA in Boston. But if I can’t stand for more than a few seconds, I don’t see how that is going to be possible. I am so damn sad at this. I had bought membership to the museum so I can go a few times as I know it wouldn’t be possible to see everything in one go. Now that I am ill, I can’t go and her exhibit is only for another few weeks. Damn temperature changes causing my back to go out like a damn switch. Happens every fucking year. It’s below 50 degrees right now so I am going to be hurting tomorrow. I just seriously hope by some miracle, my back is okay enough to go into Boston to see the NP to get my prescription. I have tried doing some exercises but those just cause me more pain. I am fucked.

in Super Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In super pain

I took three of my regular pain meds for my back pain. Within 45 minutes, I began to feel sleepy but I didn’t finish my blog yet so I fought off the sleepiness for a little while. I had to do a couple things on my feet like put my finished powerade bottle in the recycle, shut off the big light and get another powerade bottle to put it by my bed. After all that, my ankle said thank you by exploding in pain. It was driving me to be suicidal so I took a strong pain pill. I have one left and that isn’t going to get me through the month. I wish Walgreens would hurry up with their asking my doc if it is okay that I take my regular pain meds and my strong one. It’s from the same damn office so I don’t know why there is a problem every time I try to get it filled. Drives me fucking nuts. I meant to call them today to hurry them up but I forgot. I will call tomorrow.

Being in this kind of pain just makes me wicked suicidal. If I could walk to where my stash of lethal pills are, I would probably take them. But I don’t want to kill myself in my house. I don’t want a family member finding me. So I have to hold off the suicidal feelings. I hate being in this much pain. It’s a 12 on a scale of 1-10. I really hope that the CBT works for me. I am kind of scared. There is a book that is made specifically for chronic pain and CBT so I am going to get it on my next pay check. This will be the 3rd book I will have purchased for cognitive therapy. I hope I can get something out of it.

I am writing as a means of distracting while I am waiting for the strong pain pill to work. I took it an hour ago so it should be kicking in soon. I thought I was having some relief until I moved my ankle. Bad move. I know if I lie down, I am going to be in more pain so I am just sitting up waiting for pain meds to work. Some life I lead. I can’t even enjoy going out to meet some friends anymore. My life is pathetic. It’s kind of my fault because today should have been a “rest” day because I baked yesterday. I keep pushing the envelope and it’s pushing back, harder than I can take. If I don’t take rest days, I am just messed up and in pain more than I would like and it’s harder to control. That’s why I sadly decided not to see my therapist later today. I hated cancelling but I need to start taking better care of myself. Being in pain all the time is tiring and is causing me to be wicked suicidal at times.

Times like this, I really want to put my date back on the table because I can’t imagine living life like this anymore. But I really want to give this CBT stuff a try and hope for the best. I also need to honestly give it a try even though it might be hard to give up the preconceptions that I have about it. Until then, I have to stick around, even though I am fighting an uphill battle. I feel like I am doing this alone but I know that I have my blog readers behind me and that is a huge comfort to me. Thank you for reading and encouraging me.

Some good news and not so good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Some good news and not so good

I went out with friends tonight. It was good but the bad news is my back went out on me even before I left Boston. I couldn’t stand up straight to save my life. Bad news for someone with back trouble. As the night went on, the pain got worse. I basically had to crawl home, which I didn’t not like at all. But it was good seeing my friends and the kids which continue to grow a few feet every time I see them. They already are taller than I am, which is nothing new.

The really good news came today in regards to the CBT counselor. The intake person called me today during therapy, which I will get to in a few. I called back after therapy and I will be meeting a resident for the sessions. The resident should call me sometime this week to set up an appointment, otherwise, I have to wait until December and there is no way I can wait that long. So my date is off the table, for now.

I haven’t told my therapist this, at all. I didn’t want to give her hopes up nor mine. I was really thinking that my suicidal past was going to keep me from going to see someone. Once they find out I have a therapist, I am not sure how it is going to fly. I know it will have to be on days that I am not having my therapy, otherwise my insurance won’t cover both services. I hope the type of CBT that I will have is centered on pain and not depression. I know what is involved with the CBT stuff and depression and that isn’t something I want to go through. I had one session over 20 years ago and it didn’t go too well. I believe that it does help some people, but I am not some people. I need something to help me manage my pain better. If not then there is not point in seeing someone and I will make that very clear to the resident.

My therapist was giving me a song and dance today about how I should still be around. She is the only therapist that I know that doesn’t talk about hospitalizations when suicide is present. She will if it comes to it but she kind of knows I won’t go for it unless I bring it up and then she is for it. But lately, I been finding the hospital to be more trouble than it’s worth. Even their discharge papers they have sent my therapist have shown they are confused about the kind of care that I need and how to address my transgender. One paragraph had “her”, then next had “him” or “he” in it. It was ridiculous. And this is the leader in the psychiatry field, not some shmuck hospital.

She really doesn’t want me to end my life, obviously. She keeps saying that if I die, I will be breaking “us” up. I don’t really know what that means. It has me wicked confused. I feel like I have been put in a relationship status of some kind and I had no idea about it. The more she says it, the more I want to run away from her, and fast.

After I found out about the CBT stuff, I planned out how I was going to tell my therapist as I would be seeing her in person tomorrow. However, those plans have changed as my back is at less than 50%. I am not going to stress walking to the car and then having to worry about an hour’s drive to and back. I’ll just be out the rest of the week and that won’t be good. But I set my clock for 0645 tomorrow. If I am not in any pain, I will keep the Zipcar reservation. If I am in pain, I will cancel it. I have until 0730 to cancel.

My therapist really wants to see me tomorrow. I really want to see her too, but it might not be possible. I really want to give her the cupcakes I made. If I don’t see her, that means they will be all mine and that isn’t a good thing. I might be able to pawn them off to my brother in law but I know he won’t have more than one or two. If I cancel the zipcar, I will just schedule it for another day next week. The cupcakes won’t be good but I can always whip up another cake for her. I really like the cake better than the cupcakes anyway. But then, I am a cake person.

Pain Insomnia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Pain insomnia

I never wanted to believe in this phenomena called “Pain Insomnia” because I feared it would happen to me if I did. Well, it’s happened. It’s after midnight and I am not sleeping because of pain. I am still listening to music but my foot and ankle are having a war as to which is going to hurt me more. So far my ankle is winning.

I started writing in my journal. I figure that would help me sleep. But nope, it didn’t. I wrote out my “suicide note” in my journal so in case someone reads it should I die they know they aren’t to blame for my death. I have tried everything I could to keep going but the pain is just too much. I just keep on taking pills left and right and that is not the kind of life I want to live. It’s bad enough this pain took away my jobs, my walking ability, basically my dignity. And still no one knows why I am in pain. Some docs have given me the elusive diagnosis of “complex regional pain syndrome” but I don’t fully meet the criteria for that because I don’t have color changes. I just have pain. All the damn time. And it’s worse at night so no doc can see what it is when I am not in the office during the day because that is not when I have pain.

My psychosis is not helping. I skipped a couple of doses and it caused the symptoms to return. Part of it is because my doc wants me on 1 dose a day but I need 2 a day to get relief. So I have this battle with the voices about taking my meds and it isn’t pretty. Mostly the battle is just take the bottle rather than a couple of pills. They don’t understand that by doing so, I might die. But they don’t care. Since when do auditory hallucinations care what you do when they command you to do something? They just want you to obey them. It’s gotten better now that I am back at 2 a day. I still get paranoid though. There was a guy at Starbucks today that was really antsy. I thought he could read what I was writing in my journal. Honestly, anyone that can read my handwriting, I give credit to. It’s complete chicken scratch.

My strong pain pills is ready to be picked up. I will head into Boston tomorrow and get it. I hope there isn’t a problem in the pharmacy. All this talk about opioid awareness has me wicked paranoid about filling my prescriptions. I haven’t had a problem but I don’t want there to be. It’s bad enough I have problems with my antipsychotic getting filled because of the new fucking system my hospital has, and that isn’t a controlled substance!

So while I wait for pain meds to make me sleepy or exhausted, I write till I am completely out of words. Insomnia sucks but pain insomnia is worse. One of my new Twitter follows was talking about how CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) helps those with chronic pain but her insurance doesn’t cover it. I find that very discriminatory. I wish I could help her with it. But I don’t know where she is in the world. Hell, I am even trying to get into a CBT program yet I haven’t been called yet. I was hoping to hear from them by the end of last week and here it is a week later and still no word. I just hope my suicidality doesn’t hold them back. I am always fearful about this. I have had so many therapists deny me their services because of my suicidal history.

I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow to get pumpkin puree so I can make pumpkin cupcakes. I like to bake and I have this new recipe. It looks easy enough. I want to bring them to my therapist when I see her on Tuesday. I also have an appointment with her on Monday. I hope it goes well. She knows that I am suicidal. We have been talking about it for the past couple of weeks. Seems I am more suicidal this time of year than at any other time. She wants me to see me through the new year but I think she is wasting her time with me. I just feel so awful and not sleeping doesn’t help matters.

I had picked a date but I don’t think I will go through with it. There are a few things I haven’t done yet that I want to do before I end things. I was hoping to do it this week but pain stopped me yet again. Next week I will be really busy so the things I need to do will have to be the following week. And again, it all depends on my pain levels to do these things. I hate that I have to be dependent on pain to basically tell me what I can and can’t do. It really sucks.

I remember the last time I visited my cousin in Washington, DC. We went to the Smithsonian and saw a few museums. It was really fun even though my camera wasn’t too cooperative. My leg flared up the next day and I was laid up for most of the weekend. I felt really bad because I couldn’t do anything but put my leg up. Some vacation that was. I stood too long and it just flared up pain in my ankle, much like it’s doing tonight, except I didn’t stand too much today. I did go up and down the stairs a few too many times though.