Tag: suicide attempt

ramblings 30

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Ramblings 30

I don’t know what to write tonight. I had a sucky day. First my LTD check didn’t come like it was supposed to so I am broke until Wed when my SSD check comes in. If my LTD doesn’t come through, I can’t go back to school because I will still owe the $900 and I can’t pay that off with my SSD alone. I use my SSD to live on, pay expenses such as my rent, cell phone bill, cable bill, and my medication/insurance. After all is said and done there isn’t too much left over to do much else, except for groceries.

Second thing that pissed me off was that my PCP wants me to be more active. I don’t see how as I have been avoiding being in pain for so long I don’t know how to be active. But he also wants me to have structure in my life. Well isn’t that dandy, so do I. I can’t work right now because I am just too overwhelmed with things to try and work. I can barely take care of myself and barely go out anymore. I am working slowly to do that but it’s tough when all you want to do is stay in your comfy bed all day. I give myself little assignments. Like going to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription or drop a letter off in the mail. Yes I still use snail mail for my technologically illiterate therapist who refuses to use email I set up for her. She rather waste trees by have me mail her my writing and blogs. It’s pathetic but it gets me out of the house. If I am so inclined I will go to Starbucks for my coffee. Today I had to go out of the house to see the PCP. Though I also wanted to get a haircut but that isn’t happening until Wednesday I hope, unless I can get my cousin to cut it. It’s been two weeks since my last cut and it’s already too long for me. I like my hair wicked short, almost down to the skin. That is a good cut. But then I love men haircuts, especially military crew cuts.

So my day started off bad then got worse because now I am supposed to lose weight. I wish I dropped a pound every time some one tells me this. I would be skinny in no time! But I hate myself for being this heavy and that just feeds into the low self-esteem issues I have. I have never been thin in my adult life but I have never been more than 200 pounds either. It just demoralizes me because I hate the way my body is. I just can’t stand it. It has sent me into a suicidal tailspin again. Though now without my LTD check I don’t think I will be able to get the hotel like I was planning. If anything it would be my get away plan, though not necessarily a suicide plan, though I still like to keep that option open.

what it’s like to be in physical pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Last night I was in wicked bad pain. I started to think about ending my life again. The pain was that bad. I don’t know what caused my pain to flair up. I didn’t do anything more than I usually do when I have a day to chill, which is most days. I took a walk to the post office and sub shop to get a sub, then went to the liquor store to get a drink and cash my scratch ticket. Then walked home. I guess I was walking out of sorts as I didn’t wear my AFO. It sucks to use it for short walks but I guess me not wearing it is causing some flare ups.

Today pain is not that bad. I did some reading on a big book that I am reading, Alexander Hamilton. I am making headway slow but sure. I have to read it when I am not too tired as my eyesight will become unfocused now. It really sucks but this week I am going to visual therapy to correct it. My eye muscles just need some adjusting. I should also be taking a multivitamin but it is a pain to remember everything I have to take. Last week I filled my weekly pill holder with everything I have to take with extras such as omega 3, vitamin d, senna, and iron. My night time meds looked like a meal. I normally take at least a half dozen pills a night, not including my pain or anxiety meds so with these pills added, there were a lot. Then I had to eat something to cover it so to coat my stomach. I tried not to eat too much, just a bowl of cereal or a slice of toast. But sometimes I will have a meal, like scrambled eggs and toast. My eating habits are not usual as I don’t eat regularly. I tend to eat every 6 or 7 hours, if that. And usually only have one or two meals a day, even though I am home and it isn’t good. I just don’t have an appetite most days.

I take a lot of meds for my various medical and psychiatric illnesses. I used to only take meds for my psych condition but since CES entered my life, I am on more meds than I can shake a stick at. And that is if I am having a good day. A bad day, I take more, especially to control the pain. Or if I just want to escape I will take some Neurontin. That drugs takes your to another planet for a couple of hours but lately it hasn’t been as effective as it once was. Which is disappointing. The only downside of this med is that it gives you the hungry horrors the next day. I have gained more weight on this med than any other but I try and eat better when I have the horrors because I know I will be eating more. It is the only time that my appetite will increase.

Anyways, last night was a bad night and now I am feeling fine and good, least for now. Pain doesn’t usually start until around 2100. If it is not too bad I will take pain meds and then be able to sleep in an hour or two. If I am up more than that, it’s going to be a night similar to last night where nothing can touch my pain and I am off to thinking bad thoughts again.

Sometimes weather can play a part in it. Right now it’s snowing so I know that the pain last night was more because there was precipitation on its way than anything. I am sensitive to this. I am just grateful it didn’t knock my back out. I have had rain storms do that and soon as it stops, I am fine. It is the weirdest thing to be in excruciating pain, not being able to move any back muscles one minute and then be fine the next.

struggles

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Been thinking really hard today about what my next move should be. I told my therapist goodbye but she didn’t accept it. She refused my cancelations so I have her on voicemail only on my phone. See how she likes that. Not like talking to her does much help anymore. Nothing seems to help. I am just a pitiful excuse for a human. I feel so awful I can’t even begin to describe it. I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth since Wednesday. I am going to brush after I send this blog out. I hate not being able to take care of myself at times. I just don’t think about that kind of stuff anymore since being out of work.

I am still thinking about my plan. I always have a plan. It is how I cope. Doesn’t mean that I will go through with it but I have it none the less.

I have a busy week next week. I have to see my PCP to get my pain pills refilled then see a friend on my way home to pick up my gift for my psychiatrist. It will be perfect because I see her on Wednesday. That is the other thing that is bothering me. How can I tell her happy 20th anniversary and then kill myself that weekend? I hate this tug of war with life. I really do. And don’t give me the crap that because I care means I am fighting to live. I can counter with I am fighting to die too. You people that think that way have no clue how frustrating it is to try and want to kill yourself and having all the responsibility to stay alive around you. You want so badly to die yet something keep holding you back. I call it hope at times that gives me another day. I really do because without it, I know I would not give myself a week to plan my death.

I also have group. Yes I will be going back if only to see if it is better than I think it is.

Struggle. That is all I do and I hate it. I just want the struggle to end. Is that too much to ask?

the end

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

I have not been feeling too hot the past day or so. I went to group yesterday and it was a disaster, though most of it was good…in other respects. I got call Mike and I could see a lot of heads and eyes turning. People were respectful but I could see that all they saw was a female and not a man. That killed me and so I plan on ending my life soon because I just can’t live like this anymore. It is obvious that I can never be seen as a male, just an overweight female. And that hurts way too much for me take.