Tag: suicide ideation

Dreaming about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, writing

Dreaming about being in pain

Today I woke up at 05:30 after having a dream that my foot exploded into pain. I woke up to find that I was indeed in pain. I had somehow rolled onto my back (I am usually a side sleeper) and crossed my feet, which my bad foot didn’t like. I took a couple of pain pills and then tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. The pain just wouldn’t ease up until the meds kicked. By then I became fully awake and have been up the past several hours. I am starting to get cranky to the point of yelling at my deaf mother for having the TV too loud. I just took some more pain meds and some Ativan to try and take a nap.

I had therapy again today. This time I just bitched about my horrible day yesterday and we talked a little about yesterday being the anniversary of why I got into therapy to begin with: my father. I don’t like him anymore today than I did 22 years ago. He is the source of my problems and last night even though I was struggling, I really wanted to cut like I did when this whole thing started. I won’t go into detail about it because I am just too tired to stir up memories of that night. Actually today is the day I first started therapy 22 yrs ago. But it was the events on the 5th and 6th that lead up to it and me wanting to kill myself. Funny how chronic pain changes you. 22 years ago I wanted to die because my father was and still is an asshole and today I want to die because I am in chronic pain, physically and mentally. I know that I never will have a dad though I still call him that. To me he is just a sperm donor. The love I once had for him has been long gone and it isn’t coming back.

The weather certainly has got me still in pain. My spine is still aching and my thigh is just in nerve pain hell for some reason. I don’t know why. I haven’t had this type of nerve pain for at least a year or two. I hope that it doesn’t indicate that my scar tissue has grown more on my nerve root. I am always fearful of that but then the docs will just chock it up to me being overweight and the weight is compressing my nerves. I had a conversation with a doc that said that even if I was normal weight or sub-normal weight I still would have the same back problems. Being normal weight or less than what I am now is not going to really change the fact that I have had four surgeries at two different levels and that I have a deteriorating spine.

Despite being up early, I was not so productive today. I had to cancel my eye appointment because there was no way I was walking on icy sidewalks and risk spraining an ankle in this weather. I had breakfast and lunch and my coffee. I just got my tribute blend coffee from Starbucks in the K-cups for the Keurig. I love this coffee. It is such a very full bodied coffee that just tastes so good. I just wish it would keep me from being foggy brained but I think the meds are kicking in…

On another note before I take a nap, I finally found my missing journal. When I changed the sheets the other night I placed it somewhere and forgot where I put it. I knew it was somewhere in my room because why would I take it out. But it got buried in a hamper so I didn’t see it right away. I haven’t written in three days. That is a long stretch for me as I usually write every night before going to bed. It helps to relax me. Which is probably why I have been so worked up the past few days. I started writing this morning and probably will write another entry before bed. I am so glad I found it because I really like writing on paper more than on the computer. Just an FYI, there was an article I read a few days ago that said that people read slower on electronic devices than a hard copy paper. I found that interesting that the brain has to slow down to catch up with electronics than it does with say a book. But then, that is how most of us grew up with, a book and paper. I find that I have to print out PDF’s because 1) I can’t highlight the information I am reading on a computer screen and 2) I like to keep the hard copy just in case the computer malfunctions or key drive gets lost.

just a bad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, physical pain, suicide, writing

Today I had a bad day. I can’t describe more than that because I just am so overwhelmed I might start crying again.

I had my therapy session which didn’t go so well. We ended up talking about basically me getting out of therapy which she wasn’t keen on because she knew my result. I have another appointment with her tomorrow to go over weekend planning. I feel like I am in the hospital but on an outpatient basis. I also forgot I got visual therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go but its too late to cancel now. I have no idea what is involved and it kind of is scaring me a little. My eye doc says it just some exercises for my muscles as they don’t like to converge when I am reading, or something like that.

I would say today was kind of productive. I got my groceries delivered, vacuumed, and got my hair cut. I ordered some healthy stuff like steamed broccoli and apples to help cut down on my carbs. Least they will be the healthy carbs.

The weather has been awful today. It has been freezing rain to hail and my back has paid the price. I still can move but I don’t know how long that will last. I have tried all the exercises I know to move my hip extensors but they still feel locked. I know once it stops raining, the pain will go away but right now it sucks! My spine aches like no tomorrow and my scar hurts like a bitch. I used to love the rain. Now the rain hates me. Probably because I can no longer walk in it. I used to love walking around my neighborhood getting soaked to the bone. It was so refreshing. Course my mother thought I was going to die of pneumonia each time I went but I didn’t care. I learned the hard way of not staying in wet clothes though. I did one time and got very sick. I never did that again.

Ramblings 31

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I didn’t do anything today, again. I didn’t go out. But I wrestled with the bed to change the sheets and put clean ones on. For some reason my dryer didn’t pick all the lin off of them so I had to use a lint remover stick to do the job. Three sheets later my bed was free of lint. I don’t know how sheets can be so linty. I was going to vacuum my bedroom floor but that seems to tiring now. I might do it tomorrow as I wait for my grocery delivery. Tomorrow is a busy day. I have the grocery delivery, then therapy and then I got to go in town to meet with my father’s doctors about his cancer. It’s a follow up appointment so hopefully he is ok and that will be the end of it, though I know we will be waiting for at least an hour.

I emailed my last blog post to my therapist, who actually read it before session. We talked a little about it but she was starting to get annoying as she was interpreting things different than I was and I hate that. She doesn’t always LISTEN to me when I talk, which can make sessions very frustrating. She is the only therapist I EVER had that didn’t listen. But she will listen when I tell her I am suicidal but then she goes off and asks if I hear voices, out of the blue. Drives me crazy.

I still feel depressed. I still want to die. It’s a never ending battle. Today I was wicked nauseous for no reason so eating was difficult to say the least. I just sipped ginger ale. I wish I ate like this every day, I would be thin in no time but I know tomorrow I will be better and I will eat like I normally do. Trying to cut calories have been difficult. I have limited my soda intake. I have maybe one a week, minus today where I was drinking to keep from throwing up. I only had two cans.

I told my therapist that I wanted to call her last night because I was having a hard time. But I also said I didn’t because I didn’t want to bother her. She said she would rather know than not know. I guess next time I will page her, but it was silly because I talked to her that morning and then I would be talking with her today. To talk in between would have been stupid, or needy and I didn’t want to be that way. I rather tough it out. I ended up calling a friend of mine and he makes me laugh. We also talked about the Sox season and how the Yankees team is going to be different this year because their veteran staff are on the DL. HAHAHAHA. I was watching an exhibition game the other day and I hardly recognized anyone. Seems like Rivera is on his own. But I respect him, though he is nasty at time at the plate. Pitchers like that you come to respect. Just like I respect Jeter. He is a hard worker and respectful of the game. I think that has gone away in baseball. Very few players have it anymore. Varitek, Wakefield, and Lowell had it but now they are retired. I miss them very much. I do hope that Varitek finds his way back to the Sox organization. I also hope that Martinez doesn’t play the part of a clown now that he is back. Special Assistant to the GM. I don’t know, I can go on about my opinion about the Sox but I will just stop here for now.

Need for Affiliation

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt

Need for Affiliation

We all feel the need to affiliate, to have this connectedness to one another and to have our work validated and to be validated for who we are. When this doesn’t happen, we tend to feel alone and worthless. Over time this builds up and may lead to depression which then leads potentially to suicide.

In his lifetime work, Edwin Shniedman thinks that there are 20 needs that leads to suicide and affiliation is one of those, along with validation. I guess I have been feeling like lately my work has not had too much affiliation. I have not had too many comments like I have in the past and my readership has dwindled. I have tried to figure out why things have been bothering me so much and I think this is why. I no longer feel like I have affiliation with anyone in regards to my work. I haven’t gotten a good job or I have been through what you have been through in weeks. I know it sounds silly, but to me it means a lot. I am not saying that I am going to die because I don’t have this. It just is another reason for my unhappiness. Now that I know this I can bring it up with my therapist and come up with ways of dealing with it. Because we all have these needs, some more than others.