Tag: suicide ideation

issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

The new year started and I think I can finally come out of the closet as being a “girl” and tell my family I’m a guy. Then my menses started and I was really on edge. I told one of my sisters the week after new years and had a meltdown the whole weekend. It was crying from relief, frustration, anger, etc you name it. She was concerned about telling my mother and my other sister so I have decided to put that off for now.

Unfortunately this year has not started right. Week before, the dreaded menses started and have not stopped for the past 6 fucking weeks. I missed a pill because I was sick and that is how this whole thing started. I am so mad at myself because that is the one pill I take above all the others. I have had a mixture of break through bleeding and I just want it to stop so I can go back to being a man and wear my boxers again. I have to wear female underwear and I don’t like it at all. It is messing with my head. Here I was ready to come out as a guy and I am bleeding like a girl. Talk about head spinner. I feel humiliated beyond belief and I want to cut so bad. I’m fantasizing about how it will make me feel but I know that if I start I won’t be able to stop. It’s like a drug. The release is intense. Right now I’m feeling so numb that it might just help me feel something.

I hate not being able to control my menstrual cycle. I have to go back to the reproductive endocrine doc and I know she most likely will want to do the female exam I have been dreading. I feel so demoralized by this, so humiliated because I was a true man, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m so tired of not being a guy on the outside. I’m just about ready to end it all. I have time to write letters, to say I am sorry that I tried but my damn cycle fucked everything up for me. And I have to end it. I tried telling my psychiatrist this but I don’t think I got through.
My therapist has my suicide notes I wrote back in 2009. I just gave them to her to hold for me. They were written right before I was involuntarily hospitalized.

I figure if I cut it might let go some of the suicidal thoughts. I know that sounds stupid but I really think it might help. I can’t stand the pain of living this, this two lives bullshit anymore. I feel I have taken two steps back in this arena when I wanted to move forward. I hear the constant voice that says I will always be a little girl no matter what and I want it to shut up once and for all. I won’t be graphic about what I will do but I just think a little cut is all I need to get the stuff out of my head. Maybe then the pain will stop and I can feel normal again.

Ramblings 27

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, medical, mood disorders, psychache, suicide attempt, writing

I was waiting at the bus stop today and four police cruisers stopped and pulled over in from of Citizen’s back. The supervisor went inside and then one of the employees locked the door. I recently got a funny text saying that every 15 mins a bank gets robbed. Maybe that was one of the banks. I don’t know. No swat team or other special police arrived while I was waiting for the bus. All the time though I was praying a stray bullet would hit me and kill me. Bad thoughts I know but I just couldn’t help but think it.

Met with my psychiatrist today. No med changes. Just keep doing what I have been doing. It’s like the Mary Chapin song, “Simple Life”. Shrink says see you next week. That is how I feel. I know she gets what I keep telling her every two weeks but sometimes I wish there was some thing more she could do. But there really isn’t and that is the frustrating part. These docs just expect you to live with your illness and if you can’t well then there is always the hospital to help you try. I really can’t stand it sometimes. I get angry with her though there is no reason to. We have exhausted all medications. The rest is up to day to day management and making sure I keep my end of the bargain which is actually taking my meds.

I’m still trying to work on this comparison paper that I hope to post soon. Thing is I am so stuck on it that I just can’t move forward on it and then I read some new study that has a new measurement so I am conflicted as to whether or not to include it. This paper is good but I just don’t know where to go with it anymore. It’s so frustrating.

The urges for cutting have been strong today. I am trying not to think about it because it would be very easy to give in. I have been playing the radio as a distraction and so far it has been working. I would rather plan my death but all I want to do is cut. Right now I am saving up money for a hotel room so I can get away one of these nights and be away for a while. I just need to get out of my house and into something else so I can think and maybe write a bit. I don’t know where I will go but maybe the Best Western or someplace like that. Just a place I can be truly alone without being hounded by the loud TV. Maybe stepping out of my environment will let me get out more and get my coffee and work on things in my head about what I need to do. I don’t know this is just an idea. The last time I tried this I came home everyday because I forgot one thing or another.

inhuman being

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I have been sleeping most of the day. My heart is still filled with a deep sadness that never goes away. And the pain that I feel is tremendous. I can barely move. I have no appetite. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just do. I know I should make some coffee and some breakfast, maybe having the slice of pizza I saved last night but I just can’t think about food. I just want to sleep. I feel fine physically. But I don’t feel fine mentally. Mentally I feel like someone is squishing my heart like a sponge. I can barely breathe because there is a weight on my chest. I think about killing myself but the question is where? Where do I take my life? I don’t have a car and I don’t have a place that I can jump off. I’m stuck being in this world living like an inhuman being.

unbearable psychache

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Been having a hard time the last few hours. I really want to do some self-harm. I just am disgusted with myself for some reason and want to cut. I feel like I should be doing something but what I should be doing I have no idea.

I have been also feeling a lot of psychache. Every time I feel it I feel like I have to do something self-destructive. I don’t know why I get this way. It’s not like anything happened. I have been listening to Gary Allan and playing my games. I had breakfast and wanted to get back to sleep. My back is bothering me because it’s thirteen degrees out. I thought I would go out but it’s too cold. I hate getting all bundled up just to mail a letter.

My breasts have been bothering me so maybe that is the problem. They are extremely itchy because of dry skin and the cold. I hate it. I hate my chest things with a despicable passion. I just can’t stand how my body is and there is no way I can like it until the things are chopped off. I am starting to save my money so I can get the operation. I figure by the time I get that much money saved, I might be on hormone replacement therapy. I am trying but it’s not easy. I really know I should meet with the special docs that deal with this stuff and maybe my menses would really stop. It’s been a month and a half that I have been dealing with this and I am not liking it!!! I have to wear female underwear because the pads don’t fit well in my boxers. It is so depressing and demoralizing. Just another way for my stupid body to remind me that I am not who I am. I just want to cry.

I haven’t told any other family members about me wanted to be who I am. I just can’t seem to bring myself to tell my mother or my other sister. I am just afraid that I will become suicidal as the sister I told had some reservations about this. It’s making me suicidal anyway. I just am so tired of fighting who I am not. The struggle is unbearable. If I could I would just stab myself right now. That is how bad I feel but the stupid breast would probably get in the way and I would just cause tissue damage than any organ damage. My life just sucks…