Today I finally learned my diagnosis because my pdoc ordered some blood work to make sure I didn’t mess up my kidneys or liver with the OD the other night. I am bipolar I, currently depressed, severe, without no mention of psychotic behavior. That is a mouthful.

My pdoc wanted very badly to hospitalize me today. She wanted me to “push” her to do it and it wouldn’t have taken much to do. But I told her I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I fought her on it and I am to keep in contact with her the next few days. She is on vacation next week and I don’t see her until the 22nd of Aug. My therapist is on vacation starting Aug 11th. I would most likely be admitted for the whole month of August and I don’t like that. I might go in after I get my narcs for the month from my PCP. I can’t miss that appointment or it screws up the schedule. And the last time I was admitted, he took it as I was going to overdose on my narcs and it just was a mess. I had to pay extra because he only gave me a two week supply. I don’t have the money to be paying double.

I half want to email my doc and tell her I still want to smash my head in with a 20lb hammer. But that might section me as I am already walking a fine line right now. She didn’t kill me like I thought she would but she is very concerned about my welfare. The most she could do was force me to get blood work and an EKG. I hated having both done. But it was better getting them done as an outpatient than as an ER visitor.

Right now I am so conflicted. I want to go in the hospital but I am fearful that the demons will come out like they did in this crazy dream I was having about the hospital. I kept telling them I was going to kill myself when I got out, just watch and because I didn’t have follow up care, they kept me. This went on for weeks, least it did in the dream. I know that if I let myself go, I will hold nothing back. It will actually be interesting to see if they discharge me when I tell them I am going to kill myself. But I don’t think I want to find out. I do know that if I don’t have follow up within a week of being out, they might not discharge me.

But the 20lb hammer thing, it is starting to become obsessive thoughts. I still haven’t figured out how to swing the rope so that it hit me just right. But I keep thinking about it. Or maybe get it square in the forehead and hope it does enough damage. Thing is, I don’t know if I will defend against it. My reflexes are good, I think, so if something is coming at me, I will duck out of the way, which will defeat the whole purpose.

My therapist doesn’t know about this idea either. We haven’t had time to talk about it because she keep doing the SSF (Suicide Status Form) on me to assess how I am doing. That was the other thing my pdoc was asking about, how to keep me safe and what plans are in place so that I don’t do what I did on Saturday again. She knows it will take very little for me to harm myself with the meds that I am on. But both my pdoc and therapist knows I am both careful and smart with my meds. But with my therapist tracking my suicidality, my pdoc felt a little better. Otherwise, I think I would be sitting in the ER waiting for a bed someplace.

I feel really shitty. My bowels are fucked up and I don’t think there is enough senna in the world right now to set them straight. I still feel sleepy most of the time. Exhaustion will just wash over me. I think I am still under the meds hangover. So I think I will skip tonight’s dose too. I will just take an Ativan plus my other meds to sleep. Hopefully, the stupid abilify doesn’t send me into hyper mode. It didn’t last night, I think because I was still harboring some of the mood stabilizer in my system. I slept pretty good, got at least six hours straight, which was better than the night I OD’d. I think my pain meds helped because I was really having zaps and exploding pain going through my foot last night. It literally felt like someone was trying to rip off my big toe and smash it with a hammer. Not a pleasant type of feeling.

I still haven’t gotten around to changing my sheets. I keep saying tomorrow and it never happens. I need to wash my comforter, too. I wish I had the energy to do it.

I fired my therapist today, several times

It is really hot today and the humidity is killing me, making me really irritable. I only left my room for the usual items: coffee, food, and bathroom. I did manage to go to the bank to make a withdrawal. I am going to ask my Brother in law for some cash because I need my meds. And this month I am short. It’s my own fault because I thought I wouldn’t need groceries. I can never keep it to the minimum of what I need.

Sallie Mae keeps calling me every three hours now. I am going to answer the next time they call and make them look like a fool. If they ask what can I pay them, I will say $10/month. Screw them. I can barely buy groceries and they want $132+ dollars a month? Fuck them.

I talked to my therapist even though I fired her. I wasn’t in a talking mood. She did the SSF to see where I was. I was so out of it I don’t remembered what I answered. Doesn’t matter now. My sister is home so I can’t kill myself even if I really wanted to. There is no way I am killing myself with the potential of my little niece finding me. So I am stuck here, again. And I am not happy about it.

The only good news to report is that my pain levels have shifted downward. I am not in as much pain as I was. I hope this stays this way for the next week because I am out of my pain meds, again. I don’t know what possessed me to have my doc reduce my number of pills. Course, there was a time when I was hardly taking them. I would have pain flares at least twice a month. Now it’s like almost every week. I know it is just to adjust to the temperature. I get that but why does it have to be so painful?

I started a letter, in a word doc, that I thought I would post as a blog. It was for my therapist and her foolish ways about me wanting to live. Anyways, it got a little more personal than I would like and never published it. I might read it to her tomorrow or might password it so she can open it but she isn’t too tech savvy so I am not sure it is worth doing. I might get more aggravated than helped.

Issues around my body came about today. I told her I was ugly and there is no fixing that. She was trying to tell me otherwise but it was falling on deaf ears. I can tell I really want to talk about this because I keep checking the internet and twitter for the past 1/2 hour. So I will just leave it as I am ugly and my therapist is fired because she thinks otherwise.

sleep problems again

Sleep problems again

I lost track of how many hours I have been up, slept, snoozed, or dozed in the past 48 hours. I just know that today I have been up since 0730 after falling asleep somewhere around 0330. It was really hot in my room last night. But I now have the AC in my window so I hope that I can sleep in 50 degree temps again.

I was starting to sleep but decided to take a shower. Big mistake as it woke me up. Dammit. So I decided to blog until the meds kick in.

I had therapy today and will have it tomorrow, too. She did pull out the SSF, after 10 mins of not being able to find it. I am supposed to do something with the responses but I was so tired while I was on the phone with her that I could barely keep up with her. I know one of the things was how I view myself. But I really don’t have much to say about that other than I am a buffoon. I really don’t like myself. I really just hate myself and I don’t think that is going to change. Sure it has to do mostly with the TG stuff but even my face I can’t stand. I really think I am the most ugliest person on the planet. If there was an award for ugliest, I would win in a heartbeat.

The other thing that she wanted me to work on is finding reasons to live. I told her my nieces and nephew followed by a crazy person in Framingham (meaning her), but that still left two more slots on the sheet. Now I am supposed to come up with something by tomorrow night. HA. I will be lucky to remember my name by tomorrow night. I am so overtired it is not funny. I really should be sleeping rather than writing this blog.

I also told her today that I am a sucky writer. I re-read my Darkness story and it sucks. I have no clue if it makes sense and if it doesn’t make sense to me, how is it supposed to make sense to someone else?? Not like my first book was successful. But then I know that if I reach the right audience, it could be.

There was some other stuff that I was supposed to work on but I don’t remember as I was in such a deprived state. I will look over the sheet tomorrow and see if anything jogs my memory. I hate being this overtired. Least there isn’t a game on tonight. They played in the afternoon and won in the 10th inning. I hope things are finally starting to turn around for my boys.

my book


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